Stupid things people say

Andrea - posted on 06/15/2009 ( 220 moms have responded )

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I just have to share what bothers me most after the death of one of my twins. If one more person says to me "Well at least you still have one" I'm going to haul off and punch them! I am well aware that I have one of the twins and feel very blessed for that, but that doesn't rid my heart of the pain I feel for the loss of his brother. I miss him everyday eventhough his brother is still alive...quit being so inconsiderate people! Let's remind people that if you don't know what to say, don't say anything at all...silence is ok. Any other stupid comments you would like to share to vent to the world?

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Tamara - posted on 06/25/2009

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My sister in law got knocked up by a third dead beat dad about a month after we miscarried at 18 weeks. She told me sooner than she needed to and then started to say how she thought for about a minute to abort the pregnancy, but didn't feel that she could do that. Then her brain really turned off when she said she was hoping that she would miscarry so she didn't have to worry about how she was going to raise another baby on her own. I was so mad I didn't say anything and just walked away. If you have these feelings whatever you are entitled to feel what ever way you do, but have some tiny bit of a brain and don't share with everyone.

Mandy - posted on 06/25/2009

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Propably all the worst things peple can say have been qouted here. If only they knew the pain their uninformed remarks cause...... They will never know the pain, guilt longing unless they have gone through the same loss. The best thing for me to hear was if you need a shoulder to cry on i'm here, I dont understand what you aregoing through but i'll be there as long as you need me

Marinda - posted on 06/25/2009

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O, Gosh there are so many, one that really, really take all of my restrain to not lash out was when some-one said to me, "she looked like an angel, she just didn`t belong here on earth" what in heavens name is up with that. I just can`t begin to understand how anyone can tell you to be thankful at least you`ve got his twin, don`t these people know that no 2 kids are the same person. My advice will be, if you don`t know what to say, do just that. My heart goes out to each of the above mothers for your loss

Jewel - posted on 06/24/2009

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My first miscarriage happened when I was 18 and my sister in law told me that " maybe it was god telling you that you weren't ready yet" then she announced that she and my husbands brother was pregnant just 3 weeks after I lost my baby, I felt like someone slapped me in the face.
I lost two more pregnancies and some people just said 'I'm sorry for your loss" and others would say what my sister i law said years before.

Julia - posted on 06/24/2009

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I gave birth at 25 weeks and my son lived for 24 hours, then passed away and I think the worst one I heard was "There must have been something wrong with him" And that came from my sister who is usually a very warm hearted person. I just wanted to look at her and say WHAT?! There was nothing wrong with him, he was PERFECT! I also got the usual, he's in a better place, or you can have another, or everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah. I think that if you don't know what to say, just say I'm sorry for your loss and I'm here if you need me.

[deleted account]

i did have alot of people tell me "at least you have your oldest." and "everything happens for a reason." What reason would be worth my little Samantha to suffer for the 3 and a half months she was alive. nothing! she never even got to come home, i only got to hold her a total of 4 times. nothing is worth putting a baby through all that suffering. NOTHING!!!!!!! most people told me "i have never lost a child and dont know how you are feeling, but i am here for you if you ever need to talk" in my opion that is the best thing you can say to grieving parents

Chanda - posted on 06/22/2009

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The most hurtful things that have been said to me has been by family on hubbys side.My father in law choses not to think of my child as his grandchild and took the sonogram picture that i gave him the day of the balloon cerimony down off his frig which has tore my already wounded heart to pieces.Then my brother in laws have a oh well its just a miscarriage ,woman have them all the time just accept it and move on with your life attitude about the whole thing.Then my aunt on hubbys side says to me you cant run away from your pain you have to face it and resolve it.OMG come on now.It was in responce to my post here on facebook saying i was angry,upset,frustrated,sad and wanting to get away for awhile=because of what pain family was causing me and then she causes me more.WTH

Luanne - posted on 06/20/2009

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The worst one i had was made by a person who was supposed to be my friend and has never had to go through the heartbreak of losing a child, she said "I know how you feel", how the hell can she possibly know how i feel well lets just say that she is no longer someone i think of as a friend!

Sabrina - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Brittanie:

"god works in mysteries ways"
"it just wasnt your time"
"maybe its better this way"
"you were to young to have a child anyway"
And the one i've been waiting to hit someone for saying after my daughter was born "Well you just had this child to try and replace the one you lost"


I heard all of these so much after I lost my daughter Lacie. Only to have to have an DNC after her, because I was in an abusive relationship with her father. When my father found out about my daughter, he had the balls to tell me "Come live with me in SC, Your little brother  can replace your daughter." WHAT?! Needless to say, I do not speak to him anymore.



I know there was a lot of things people said. Another one, was because I have pictures of her I still get this "How can you keep pictures of a dead baby. That is so weird. You really should just get rid of them." I hit somone for saying that to me recently. It pissed me off so bad. It is not like I keep her pictures out where they can be seen by many people. But my husband was talking about her chimes that I have with her ashes, and somehow her pictures got brought up. Husband does not mind them, but apperntly other people in his family do. Ugh. >

Karen - posted on 06/19/2009

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All of those remarks are very annoying to say the least. The one I hated the most was, you are still young and there wasn't anything wrong with your baby so you can have another one. Like my son was a stuffed animal that could be replaced.



Then 18months later when I had a set of twins, everyone kept saying that God gave me two this time to make up for my loss. OMG! Are you kidding me?! Nothing, but nothing could make up for the loss of a child! Even my doctor that delivered both pregnancies said that. I could not believe it.

Andrea - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Rachael:



As the minister at my son's funeral said, there isn't a word to describe us - like there is for orphan or widow when our parents or partner dies - but we are always mothers of children who have died. We might be nameless, but we are their mothers!





I never thought of it like that.  That is so true!



Hope:  That is an absolute low for someone to say that God must not have wanted you to be a mother.  What are people thinking?

Rachael - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Hope:

Thank you Andrea!!!!!
I had people tell me when I lost my son at 22 weeks that God must not wanted you to be a mother, or it was good he died now so you did get to know him...
and that is just the nice things folks said

I think when ppl talk like that...it contributes to the anger you already feel in the grieving process...

i say to myself..Lord please don't let me catch a case for slapping this idiot for saying the dumbest thing while I am hurting

I try to respond positive as if my son is standing right there next to me...because I would not want him to see me act up.



Somebody said to you god must not have wanted you to be a mother??? Someone actually said that to your face??? I am horrified on your behalf. You need to know, aside from the fact that person is the most ignorant person walking, that you ARE a mother to your son, and you always will be. As the minister at my son's funeral said, there isn't a word to describe us - like there is for orphan or widow when our parents or partner dies - but we are always mothers of children who have died. We might be nameless, but we are their mothers!

Erica - posted on 06/17/2009

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When i lost my daughter 5 years ago I was so sick of hearing "She's in a better place" or "Atleast you have your oldest" of course they have no idea, can't even come close to what your feeling you almost want to scream leave me alone. The best comforting response I got was from my mother who said " Sweetheart i can't imagine what your feeling because i never lost a child, so I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, I'll just say I'm here if you "

Hope - posted on 06/17/2009

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Thank you Andrea!!!!!
I had people tell me when I lost my son at 22 weeks that God must not wanted you to be a mother, or it was good he died now so you did get to know him...
and that is just the nice things folks said

I think when ppl talk like that...it contributes to the anger you already feel in the grieving process...

i say to myself..Lord please don't let me catch a case for slapping this idiot for saying the dumbest thing while I am hurting

I try to respond positive as if my son is standing right there next to me...because I would not want him to see me act up.

Rachael - posted on 06/17/2009

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My mother said "it wasn't meant to be" Found that bad enough until my 85 year old grandmother said this "Well love, if you knew anything about reincarnation you'd understand he did what he needed to do" What the, he was here for 2 hours trying to breathe, what did his spiritt (reincarnated or not) learn from that experience??

Brittanie - posted on 06/16/2009

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"god works in mysteries ways"

"it just wasnt your time"

"maybe its better this way"

"you were to young to have a child anyway"

And the one i've been waiting to hit someone for saying after my daughter was born "Well you just had this child to try and replace the one you lost"

[deleted account]

My absolute worst one yet was my DH's aunt who said to my MIL while my beautiful baby girl was fighting for her life in the NICU "maybe it would be better if she just died". Since then I've had "You wouldn't have wanted to have to deal with a disabled child" and "oh well, you have Michael now" yes, Mikey has made a big difference to my life and I am grateful for him but that doesn't make me miss Elizabeth any less.

For the record- we don't speak to my DH's aunt any more.

Andrea - posted on 06/16/2009

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Quoting Lisa:

"She's in a better place now"-No, a better place would be here with me growing up to be an adult!!


Oh Lisa, I hate that one too!  A better place other than with me?  That is impossible...there is no better place than in my arms.

Ruth - posted on 06/16/2009

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I found that also. I was 6months pregnant with my daughter when we lost our son. People came up to me, while I was sitting next to my son at home (in our culture, we take them home - or to a communal home - until the day of the actual funeral), and people would come up and rub my belly and say - "It's alright, you'll have another one soon" - AND WHAT? She will be her own person, and she most definatly won't be my beautiful son. I agree, either say "i'm so sorry for your loss" or don't say anything.

Lisa - posted on 06/16/2009

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There are too many to mention I'm sure, but here's a couple:

"She's in a better place now"-No, a better place would be here with me growing up to be an adult!!

"You're still young, you can have another"-Yes but it won't be my first beautiful daughter Gracie will it??

"Oh well, it wasn't meant to be"-What??



I agree people should just say nothing or a simple "I'm sorry for your loss"

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