Surviving twin

Alex - posted on 11/26/2009

My little girl is nearly 8 months and sadly her twin brother was stillborn. We have 3 year old boy and when she is upset sometimes it is only her elder brother who can settle her. I don't know what she will remember but I do think she feels like something is missing!

Elaine - posted on 11/25/2009

Dear Beriah, I am so very sorry for your loss. I have experienced something similar to your situation, (and the others that have replied (I am sorry for your losses too)). My 8 year old boy is a twin. I lost his sister at 32 weeks in-utero. After witnessing lots of movement and activity in the ultrasounds, I knew my boy would feel something missing. He's aware of our story, and does ask questions once in a while. He wonders, like we all do, what it would be like if she was here. He's very independent, until it's time for bed, and still wants to be with someone. I've tended to coddle him, maybe too much, but I truly believe he needs someone near him because he was used to it from the very beginning. He's felt the loss from the very beginning. In fact, when he was an infant, he was an awful sleeper....up every 30 minutes. He always slept better when he was on me.

My suggestion to you is to journal your story, if you haven't already done so, so that when your surviving twin grows, she can learn the story, and probably feel it from your heart. Another idea is to memorialize your baby girl...on her birthday, during the holidays, whatever way fits you and your family. You will NEVER forget her, and by memorializing her, she will actually feel even more a part of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I wish I could take the pain away. It does get better, even if you don't it will. Checkout this website: http://www.handonline.org/ Lots of good information there, and they were wonderful support to me when I was going through it.

Take good care, of your baby girl, and especially yourself. Your surviving baby needs you more than ever now.

Hugs,
Elaine
ealper@act1consulting.com

Sonja - posted on 11/24/2009

I delivered identical girls 11 years ago. My second born, LaSondra, passed away at 2 weeks. When the girls were placed beside each other, they would relax and cuddle closely to one another, I have the pictures. I wondered then would she remember or feel a loss? My question for myself has been answered. Natacha loves to look a the pictures of her sister and when in conversation about her, she always crys. I comfort her to the best of my ability. Natacha talks about her, constantly. Sometimes people want to know very personal questions when the subject is brought up but I can't tell her, please don't bring that up to everyone, it hurts to talk about it. For me, I think to an extent she feels a part of her is missing but not enough to be detrimental to her own well being. More like, she's the one carrying the lighted candle in memory of her sister and my baby.

Carrie - posted on 11/23/2009

Hi,



I also delivered healthy b/g twins 24/5/08. Jacob passed away at 13 days old - he had a rare lung disease for which there is no cure. Emma is a thriving 18 month old.



I know when Jacob was on life support in hospital that every time we placed Emma beside him to sleep, Jacob's SATs went up. The afternoon we took him off life support, Emma was very unsettled.



I was just thinking the other day how hard it's going to be when Emma is of an age where she will understand that she was a twin and her brother died. I don't feel that she feels anything at the moment though.



I myself lost two brothers when I was 8 yrs & 13 yrs old, so I hope that I may be able to pass some of my experience onto her. Being a twin though is something quite special and especially for your girls who were identical!



Would love to keep in touch if you ever need to talk.