Talking about it.

Jennifer - posted on 05/05/2011 ( no moms have responded yet )

Wow, I'm happy I found this group. I came across it accidently and I dont think I realized how good it feels to talk with and read stories of people that feel like I do. I lost my second daughter from plasental detachment at 34 weeks 2 and a half years ago and I have a 2 month old baby girl now. I have not spoken about it really since then or when it comes up I dont know how many times ive said "Im ok" or "It wasnt meant to be" . I never really was allowed to be "not ok" and couldnt really talk about how I was feeling. even my husband blocked it out and couldnt talk about it.
As soon as the doctors gave me the ok to start trying to get pregnant again we did. I wanted a baby before and still did since I didnt get to keep that one. It took us over a year before my body agreed and when we finally got pregnant again I didntknow what to feel. I spent the first three months waiting for the miscarriage since we had a few false hopes in the year of trying. I forced myself to try and be excited and did all the excited mommy to be things to not think about my fears but after the 6 month mark it was scary for me. when i thought about it I didnt want to let myself be excited about the baby at the end and as the weeks went by closer to the 34 week mark I was waiting for the pain in my belly.
at 35 weeks and 5 days while i was saying goodnight to my husband I suddenly felt something running down my leg and when i checked i was gushing blood. I dont remember breathing all the way to the hospital, I just held my belly and prayed that this cant happen twice to one person. My 6 year old in the back seat was very quiet and confused. The nurse couldnt have been slower in hooking up the fetal monitors to me but after seeing the doctor and everything she told us my plasenta was starting to detach and she was going to do a c-section to get the baby out. The first 2 days my baby was born I couldnt see her. She needed monitors and an oxygen bag over her head to breath and i was still in recovery from the c-section. It took us a week to get the ok to go home.
The last 2 months have gone by so quickly. I feel like im tryingto enjoy everything as if its all going to end soon. I dont want to leave her or have anyone else watch her or even hold her for too long. Im trying my best to relax but inside im a wreck. On top of that I constantly think of how I should have a 2 year old between my 6 yr old and 2 month old. I dont think ive really let it go and a part of me hopes she will just appear one day and ill have my 3 kids. I dont know really. like i said I havent spoken about it since it happened and when i do I sound like a doctor explaining cause I dont want people to be sad for me. I dont really have a question for people but just getting this out fells better. thanks for listening.