The pain never ends

Crystal - posted on 01/11/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I hate that I can't see her I hate that I can't know if she is safe. I hate that my faith is dieding and what if there is no god and 29 days of life is all there was for her. I hate the pain.

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Wanda - posted on 02/05/2010

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Oh my dear mothers we are all alike. Our tiny differences are in what stage we are in and how old our kids were when taken from us. Yet there is no list of the stages because they revolve and return, they hit with no warning and we have setbacks or triggers. All the posts and replys show us we belong as a support unit to each other and the children living and gone. The first stages are the hardest in shock,envy of others not in pain,and agony of making forward steps into a world others still see as sorta normal. I struggle still for answers and not finding them, I struggle to just read for comfort or renewal of faith & I struggle to give myself "self help" when other humans can not DO IT all for me. The unknowing offer phrases that do no good... but they don't know this. Maybe some of it is wise but it just zeros in on a sore spot where healing has not occured.
Who amongst us is able to contribute to a new conversation in which we all add the phrases given to us by those "unknowing" and those with undamaged faith. Perhaps our unit can discuss even verses of self help books,poetry.lyrics and religion. I also find that the words of youth and the words of elders are much different yet they all have value. It is my hopes that in true friendship and no judgement we can continue as if we have a goal (undefined as yet). Smart women are in our circle, smart enough to know that some of are issues are taboo to those untouched by sadness, Outside of here we may at times be called pityfull and downers by those who exist in rays of glee and sunshine (lucky them). Outside of here others attempt to CONTROL our words and thoughts, they seem to inflict and insult going for what is our very vulnerable core.
Spending time here I am learning from each mother there is much accomplished already & we don't need praise or thanks = just each other in efforts. ??? so let us continue to define and organize how life was "before". the "changes" and where do we go from here?
Myself I can spend weeks on s simple painful thought (time has little meaning ). Last week I read that my answers will arrive after my death !!!!!!!!!!! Ouch!
Week before it was... the door to forgiveness is waiting for us and outside were the people WE caused harm to by showing our abandonment of faith. DOUBLE OUCH!!!
Here is my closing & a bit of a taboo topic. ONE STAGE OF GRIEF IS FAITH... or loss of it. Some are at the bottom of a ladder and others are further up the rung holding down a helping hand. I look up and some of the people on top shouldn't be (my feelings). Until I am standing on solid ground in stability hold back the "tornado force words & quote" that are loftier than my grasp of vocabulary. Maybe it is .....that for me to exist in the present I have to endure what others can't hold back in saying??? I need skills ladies, do any of you feel that lack of skills to handle others?
My judgement is also questionable??? I do not know if I offend by being alive with a piece of me missing??? People can be cruel, do I bring it on myself by how they SAY I am percieved? We get told this.... like ..... loose a child and blah blah blah that is all you are forevermore. I get labels I disagree with ... it's unfair... whoopie= more on my plate to deal with.
So tell me moms... if this is logical >>>>> when verses and quotes are spewed at me like it will fill my void and the brilliant speaker gets to pat themselves on the back getting "something for themselves" ....(this is a topic ffor later if you remind me).. ???? Am I wrong ??? ( as kids would say BAMF) to softly say please write down and mail me what you are referring to so I can absorb it later. I mean WOW somebody either owns a book,went to a library in their lifetime, or picked up a magazine and they come at me like they have a degree on there wall in 10 subjects and I owe them for free healing $$$$. We could almost start our own dictionary.
Ladies I love you. Your behaviors are honest and honorable. This brings me a smile....see if someday it will help you. Within our circle nobody is trying poor actress /role of poor me, to "outgrieve" and have ?it? (heartache and void) worse than the rest. But I get that in the real world all the time............... the type who are so vain they will even sponge 15 seconds of fame off a grieving mother. THIS is one of the biggest things I did not EXPECT. I have seen grieving widows manipulated = = = silly me I thought a grieving mom would be off limits === wrong!

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Ann - posted on 07/25/2010

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Crystal,

I know what you feel. I lost my 16 yr old daughter last year on Valentine's day. She was my baby. She looked and acted just like me. I suffer all the time still. The pain is unbelievable...soul wrenching. I write. A lot. It doesn't take it away, but I hope that one day this agony will ease. Her father denounced God. I cannot. I want more than anything on earth to be with her, see her and hold her once again! Her twin brother and her older sister seem to be healing. But a Mother's love is an altogether different story. At least I believe my baby girl's safe and at peace. It just seems that we are the ones to suffer their loss. All I can say is hold on. Cling to those who love you and are there for you. There is a group called Compassionate Friends out there for parents who have lost children. It may be worth checking out. At least there you will be able to be around others like us, those who truly understand this devastating tragedy. Who you can share it all with in safety, with people who won't tell you to move on or minimize this pain. My best friend had a son who was 18 and was murdered 11 yrs ago. She tells me it does get easier in time. I truly don't know what I'd do if I didn't believe I will see her again...in time. Just know that there is hope and she still exists...just watching over you and waiting to see how you do...she loves you and wants you to have a good life...sharing that love with others. Peace be with you.

DANA - posted on 02/05/2010

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i wonder the same thing.. did i wrap him warm enough to get through the winters cold, is he to hot for the summer weather..i wonder if he thinks of me and i do him so often,,,it will be 5 years in Sept. and i still think of these things. My hope is that someday when we meet again...i will then be able to hold him......

Joanna - posted on 02/05/2010

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My faith in God and his love is what got me through not only the stillborn birth of my son (36 weeks), but also becoming unexpectedly pregnant just three month later with extremely high risk triplets! Faith is not something you just have or don't have. It is a daily acknowledgment of God and his love and mercy and then exercising faith by trusting Him. If doubts come into you head evaluate why you are doubting and how you can place faith in God.
Trials are what can make us stronger and better people. I believe I am a better mother because of the death of my son. One of my daughters looks very much like her brother did and that actually gives me comfort in knowing that. I still wonder what he might look like now at 3 1/2 years old, but my faith in God sustains me and helps me to believe that he is my angel baby and I will see him again.

Jacqueline - posted on 02/04/2010

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Hello Crystal my name is Jackie although my son passed away 16 years ago i'm still hurtting from my lost, and there's no end to the hurt that one have within from losing a loved one especially when it's your child" ..... there are times that my nights are sleepless thinking about my son me thinking and wishing that he was or could be here but i have to face the fact that he's gone, .... and i do in my heart' but there's also a part of me that thinks he is still here .... but in lifes reality i know he not coming back .... but what's a mother to do when she's missing her child like i misses mine" ... If i could go back and rewind the time my baby would still be here with us my Family

Eva - posted on 02/03/2010

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there is no "reason" that this has happened, people who tell you that you had twins for a reason are just trying to make themselves feel better. They don't understand and think that one child can replace another, they don't understand that you loved both your girls. When my son died someone said to me "look at it this way, you can have another one and maybe this time it will be the girl you always wanter", as if Adam life didn't count because I already had 2 boys. Don't listen when they say these things to you. You know what you feel in your heart and just because you have a baby that lived doesn't mean you don't miss and long for your daughter that died, they were 2 seperate children, not one! go ahead and grieve for her and do what you need to do for yourself but, hold your daughter close because she is what will be your saving grace and remember to tell her about her twin as she grows up.

Eva - posted on 02/02/2010

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Crystal, we all questions our faith and God when the tradgedy of losing a child happens. We don't want to believe that a loving God could allow this to happen to us, to our child. I actually had a "friend" say to me that maybe this was because of something I did or someone in my family did in the past, I thought why would he punish my children because of what some one else did? How could I believe in a God who would do that? I had always believed that if I was a good person and prayed that this wouldn't happen to me, how wrong I was. Not only did it happen to me, it happened twice in two years! A son who was 9 days old and 2 years later a daughter who was 2 1/2 months old. I became afraid to pray for other people for fear I was a jinx and they would suffer tradgedy too, I felt like an outsider at my church and a fraud because I couldn't have the faith that others did but, I kept going, trying to find something, anything. What I found was really good people who helped and stood by me until I could find my way again,. It took a very long time but, I came to believe that God didn't abandon me. I still don't understand why this happened to me twice, I don't believe my daughter is in a "better place" because what better place can there be but, a mothers arms? I have learned to accept it and find joy in my 2 living children and hope that some day I will see my children again. What you are feeling is so normal. You are hurt , angry and you don't understand it. I promise you this though, it does get easier, the pain isn't so overwhelming and consuming, time is a great healer. Your heart has been broken and needs to heal, some day it will, be patient with yourself it takes a long time. I wish I had the simple faith of a child, when my daughter died my 2nd son was 3 1/2 yrs and one day when I was crying he looked at me and said"don't worry Mommy she's with Jesus now, he's taking care of her" . I want to believe she is, I need to believe she is. I found comfort in that because it came from his heart and he believed it, maybe it would help if we all believed it. I am so sorry you are hurting like this.

Trish - posted on 02/02/2010

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I think anyone who losses a child goes through a period where their faith dips. I know mine certainly did. All the platitudes mean nothing to you at that stage. However, there are moments in life when you realize that there is a superior being out there and that he/she does know what they're doing.



My moment came after hearing a story about my neice. It was approaching her 3rd birthday and she was talking to her mom about the people she wanted to invite. She was asking my SIL about why Conor, my son who had passed away the previous year, couldn't come to her party and wouldn't God just let him come for a little while. While my SIL was trying to explain to her that God couldn't do that the sound of a recorder came drifting on the breeze from who knows where. My niece put her head on one side, looked at her mother and said "never mind he's just told me he will be there even if I can't see him". As quickly as the recorder started it stopped.



To me that was my sign that while I can't see him every day and while I still miss him terribly that I'm not alone and that he's always with me.



I hope you manage to work through your grief and find peace.

Nina - posted on 02/01/2010

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In all honesty, and I know that there is no comparison to your situation, I still analyze everything. I flash back to some of the evidence we found in my son's crib and I think, "Did they overlook it?" "That doesn't match up to what they say..." I ask myself every day if maybe the cold medicine he took the week before, or maybe he had a brain tumor, did he have a seizure, could I have done something else when we found him? Did I not do CPR right? ... the list goes on and on and on... I have one piece of advice for you... pick up that little girl you have left. Hold her, cradle her, hug her... snuggle her, cuddle her and close your eyes... and remember the days you had with both of them. Forget the tiredness. Forget the loneliness. Forget the negativity. You still have a piece of her... a BIG piece of her, in your arms. Brianna is her own being, will be her own person, have her own personality... but she will carry a big piece of her sister in her every day. Don't think of Brianna as a reminder of Cara's loss... think of her as a reminder that life must need go on, no matter your faith. Everyone will tell you "God has a plan." "God works in mysterious ways." "Life is a gift from God.".... take this unto yourself, we believe in god for a reason. That reason is this: When we are lost in our lives and need something to follow, we look to God. When we are stumbling down paths that are unfamiliar, weather brightly lit or dark and cold, we look to a shining light to guide us. When we feel cold and alone, we look to someone for love. God is the embodiment of all this, and more. People speak of miracles and God's graces, but hardly ever do we hear of God putting trial upon us. Remember always: God uses some people to teach lessons to others. He shows us the forbidden fruit and tells us not to eat it, but his love never dies for us just because we took a nibble. We think ourselves full of a great wealth of knowledge, but all the knowledge that we could learn in the world is worth nothing without the wisdom our faith lends us. Call him God, Allah, Buddah or whatever name you might give him.... he still leads us... you... and your daughter... with unwavering love. If you were not firm in your beliefs, you would never have the strength to question them. Love holds you in life. Don't let death and despair break you. Don't let other's guide you down a cold path of heartlessness... Brianna needs light... she needs love... and she needs to know that you can look upon her without remorse. She was strong enough to stay with you where Cara could not. Cara finished her life's work... maybe in death.... take a lesson from it... and hold Brianna and any other child you might bear.... with utmost love and regard... and do not let anything come between you and your child... even remorse. Raise Brianna to know of her sister... but do not lay guilt upon her... for innocence cannot thrive under guilt. You cannot either... I beseech you... to talk to someone...find the support and help you need to not lay the loss of Cara on Brianna's heart... for her little heart hurts enough from this loss, just as yours does... and she can only carry her own burden at this time...

Crystal - posted on 02/01/2010

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Some days go by and I can get through not crying. I still sit up at night and overanalyze everything. Cara was a twin so seeing Brianna everyday is a constant reminder of Cara. Its just so unreal.

Denise - posted on 01/12/2010

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My son was taken frm us at just 12 days! This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live threw!! It was 12 days of ups n downs. I am thankful that I at least got 12 days rather than born still. Neither is easy by any means! I did lose my faith I lost my way!! I didn't even want to breath anymore! My husband n his family did not want me to talk about my son. It was easier for them to just act as if his birth or death never even happened. 18 yrs has now passed. My pain is still there but not at the depth it was then. Time does make it easier but u never ever will forget! The pain lessons but doesn't go completely away. I have a whole in my heart where my son should be. We celebrate each birthday that passes nd I year for all the things in life that we do not get to share with him! I am just now starting to find my faith again! I do believe that he is in a better place I have to for my sanity!
I am soo very sorry for ur loss!!!! Take it one day at a time and u will get threw this sumhow!!! Find ways to keep ur babies memorie alive an celebrate her life just as u would if she was with u! My thoughts n love r with u nd ur family!! Plz take care of u!!!! xoxoxoxox

Crystal - posted on 01/12/2010

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Everyone tells me there is a reason. I had twin girls and at 4 weeks they both got sick and baby cara passed away. I just don't believe there is any good reason for that. I believe she is in a better place cause I don't want to believe anything else.I continue to go to church and restore my faith cause I just want to be with her again. It's just so hard.

April - posted on 01/11/2010

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I'm sorry for ur loss. I also questioned my faith and belief in God. My family and friends told me that "everything happens for a reason" "God has a plan". I always wondered what they meant. Is it God's plan to take my baby boy at 23 hours old??? I finally have found my faith again and even though I don't know exactly where my son is, I have to have faith that he is in a better place. I truley believe that ur daughter is also in a better place. I don't know for a fact but I have faith.

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