Venting

Maggie - posted on 11/20/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I lost my daughter June 8th of this year; I was 19 weeks 4 days. I have not gotten over what happened that day, nor have i pieced together the events. I wasnt in "labor" for too long, nor did it hurt physically, but the emotional pain is unbearable at times. My daughter, Amia, would be about a month of if she was born on her due date. I named her, obviously, and looked at her and touched her.
I feel somewhat guilty for her demise. Almost my whole pregnancy I didnt want her. In the begining I considered having an abortion, but just couldnt do it. I even considered adoption, but couldnt do that either.
I was very excited about being a first time momma. My mother was also excited, probably more excited than I was.
I feel like I not only let down my mom, but I let down my daughter as well. What was wrong? Why couldnt my body do its job and keep her safe and alive? What did I do to deserve this??

I dont know anyone personally that has gone through what I have, so I really dont have anyone to talk to. My mom says that I can talk to her, but everytime I bring Amia up she cries. I want to be able to tell her all the things she didnt know about Amia's birthday. I want to be able to talk to someone without them "grossing out" or crying!!

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Jessica - posted on 12/22/2009

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I found this poem a moment ago after replying to another mom. Just wanted to share.

When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.

For no heartache compares with,
the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world,
seem so wonderful and mild.

Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.

God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few.
To make the land of heaven
more beautiful to view.

Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be Good-bye.

So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children.
ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND!

[deleted account]

I understand your problem. I feel as though I let my mother down too. This would have been her first grandchild. She was so excited. I cry more for her just as much for my baby. I feel so bad. I feel I let them both down. I too had no one to talk to. My friends don't understand or say stupid stupid things. My mom of corse said I could come to her. When I do all I can express is anger mostly. And then I feel so bad. I just want her to be happy and I know I brought her misery.
I do see a therapist. It helps a lot. Maybe you should try. I am low income and found a therapist that helps people who don't have a lot of money to spend. Also...I have a journal I write my feelings in.

Nicole - posted on 12/16/2009

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I lost my Kennedi 9 years ago and it still hurts. It does help to talk about your little one with others and it's okay to cry. The first year I did a lot of crying and thinking that I would not be able to carry to term ever, but happy to say that I have 3 healthy boys and an angel that I will get to meet.

Melissa - posted on 12/16/2009

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Dear Maggie,

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my child sept 26/08 and the pain for me is still very real. The doc was unable to determine the sex (my baby was about 12 or 13 weeks old) and I went through ALOT of pain. Unfortunately the emergency hospital staff was not equipped to deal with my emergency. They allowed me to labour in the emergency hallway for about an hour ..seemed like hours for me.
I knew something was going on with our child before i miscarried. I opted to take the prental screening tests. My baby's nuchal translucency(the fluid behind the spine) was VERY high. It was most likely the baby had a neural tube defect or trisomy 21. I was taking some genetic counselling while i was pregnant but i did not think i would miscarry.

If you want to take a look..i posted a conversation on here on how to deal with grief.
Thinking of you.
melissa

Imani-Rashaunn - posted on 12/16/2009

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My first miscarriage was two years ago and I still cry to this day. If you feel like crying then cry there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone heals differently. My friend had a miscarriage a few years ago and she can talk about her son as if he was here. Write your baby girl a letter about how much you love her and miss her, it may make you feel better. You will always carry her in your heart and that means that you will always remember her. Because you remember her it is only natural to think about her from time to time and get a little down. You will be alright. I wish I could tell you that time heals all wounds but, it isn't always true. But, it does get better with time. You are not alone, this happens to a lot of women. Find a support group and eventually maybe your mom will go with you.

Maggie - posted on 12/16/2009

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Thank you guys so much! Even sitting here reading your comments is making me cry!

I have tried to talk to my mom, but everytime I try I cry and I feel worse! I just wish that she was here!

This would have been her first christmas; the first time she would have met her aunt!

Will I ever be able to think about her and NOT cry sad tears? When I saw baby pictures of her dad I realized that she looked just like him as a baby and I cried.

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 11/25/2009

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You are a lot stronger than I am. I delivered my first at 19 weeks exactly. She was beautiful but couldn't bare to look longer than a second and refused to hold her. I named her Brittannya Sherie. I still think about her and this was 10 years ago (December 9th, 1999). I don't know why I lost her and cried even harder when reading my discharge papers and it read, "spontaneous abortion" ... the guilt just wouldn't leave after that ... not for a long time. When her due date came and went I was very confused and very scared ... I was already pregnant again and terrified. I went on to have two healthy babies (now 9 and 7) but have lost six more since her. It is the hardest thing in the world to lose a child ... especially when you replay everything in your head and nothing makes sense why they are gone. I am here to listen and please don't hesitate to message me ... I can't be grossed out and I may cry but only because I feel for you not because of you!! I hope your pain is eased in time ... Amia still lives within every beat of your heart ... don't forget that ... try writing her letters ... I did that for a while ... everytime I'd think of Brittannya I'd put all my emotions in a letter to her ... I kept them in a locked box under my bed. Find something that helps you express your emotions - both good and bad - for her and about the situation. I agree that you should talk to your mom too ... perhaps crying together will help you more than you realize. It helped when I finally did it with my husband this last loss ... didn't expect the release I felt at all. I'm here if you need me. If you want to talk and not type I'll give you my number and you can call at ANY time ... wishing your love for your daughter to be the light that leads you safely home.

Lisa - posted on 11/25/2009

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I had a similar experience i fell pregnant but couldnt bring my self to have an abortion. (this was my 3rd pregnany in 3 yrs and was in a horrible relationship) i used to say i want god to take the decision (im not religeous at all) at about 16 wks pregnancy i got amessage from midwife we were told there was a raised risk of Downs and was given 24hrs to decide to keep or abort at that point I WANTED MY CHILD NO MATTER WHAT turned out doctor got my dates wrong a week later got another message raised risk of spinal defects was given detailed scan and came back fine so at 20wks i went to c midwife for routine check up. For 20 mins she tryed so hard to find a heart beat... nothing was sent to hospital where it was confermed my child had died 2 days later i gave birth to my sleeping angel.

My ex and his family werent to best support if i tried to talk i was told get over it cant change it now life goes on or your still young or everything happens for a reason. I fell pregnant nearly a year to the date i had conceived joe at that point i knew my relationship was done. When Kyle was born health i knew for defenet i nolonger was happy.
I met my now husband when kyle was couple months old he lets me talk when i want or cry i now have the support i needed 4 yrs later (17.11.05) and its still tough but i have Brian who wants to be there and listen so if your mum wants to be there 4 u let her if you cant do that we r here for u.
Someone is always willing to just listen and offer support.

xx

[deleted account]

sorry about your little girl, i lost mine at 26wks in july. its not your fault or your bodies. unfornately miscariages/ stillborns happen alot freq than people speak bout. doctor will not consider you high risk until u have had at least three. so please stop beating yourself up... something also could of been wrong with her also and its just natures way of not having her in pain, in life. she is an angel now, try to take comfort in having a part of you looking over you until you guys meet again. contact if u need an ear.
-take care-

Stacia - posted on 11/21/2009

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Talk away sweetie! I lost my lil girl on June 17th of this year and she was supposed to be born on November 25 (due date). I was 17 weeks pregnant. It is VERY hard to deall with. She would have been our 4th child and I like you was not trying to get pregnant and she was an "oops" for better lack of terms. I was finally getting excited about having another baby and then my excited emotions turned into terrilbe emotions that have still not gone away. The pain of delivering a baby that you know is already gone is VERY hard. If your mom says you can talk to her, talk to her even if you both cry maybe that is what you need. Good luck and this isn't any easy thing to go through!

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