visiting the gravesite after the death of your child

[deleted account] ( 121 moms have responded )

I have struggled with this for years now and wondering what other peoples response would be.I have not gone to the gravesite where my daughter was buried since the funeral because I didnt want that place to be my memories of her.For whatever reason over the last couple of years i have been almost feeling guilty that i havent.Is this strange she is always in my heart is it important for me to visit the gravesite?all responses are appreciated Thanks

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D - posted on 02/11/2014

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My daughter died in 2008 sudden and tragic. She had so much trauma to her body that we were not able to see her or say goodbye. She was a beautiful girl in her 20's and my best friend. My husband and I go to the cemetery at least once a week and we maintain her headstone and flowers and usually hang wind chimes. This has been 6 years and I have no intentions of not visiting her. It is the only place we have to let her and ourselves know we will never forget her. That pain never leaves us, this is just how we cope. No one is the same when it comes to cemeteries but I have even met other parents at the cemetery that are going through the same feelings. Sometimes I just take 1 fresh flower and lay it on her headstone just so I know she has not been forgotten. On her birthday we meet her friends at the gravesite and release balloons. It helps us all to reminisce about her. Either way you can only do what you feel helps you.

Terry - posted on 08/17/2012

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I go to the grave site alot ..I guess in my mind this is where he is at peace ...

Delilah - posted on 05/18/2012

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Hello
Everyone is different in how they feel about how often they visit a gravesite of a child. I lost twin boys last Feb 2011, I have gone a couple of times and on the year ann of their death. For me it helps. Yes I cry, but it sort of helps me too. i like to have a place where I know they are and I can visit them. i visit them in my mind often, but having a place for me really helps.

Go when you feel, as often as you feel. My husband has only been once! I have been probably 4-5 times. I think for him, it doesnt really care for it. It would of been his first sons! They are buried in my home state of PA, & we live in VA (military) so I go when we visit home.

Loosing a child is the worst pain any parent can feel. But having that time to say hello or I love you, may help you grieve. Just do what your heart tells you.

Margaret - posted on 05/11/2012

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It's not strange at all. You have the most important part--she's in your heart. Like some of the others have said, I went several times a year and now only go occasionally. Do what feels comfortable for you--I'm sure she knows you love her. I try to go at least a couple of times a year to make sure things are still OK and to leave flowers for my son's birthday--and he would be 26 years old now if he'd lived. This is your road and no one can walk it but you--but time will help you deal with the loss. It never goes away, but you learn to live with it.

Ellen - posted on 11/23/2014

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I lost my son just this past August and his foot stone won't be installed because of the cold weather. I did go once but it was hard to find my son because the small temporary plate is covered with grass. I feel I want to go but I can't even look at his pictures and go places that remind me of my son. I plan to go after winter.
No one can tell you what to do but I do feel not going at all is a bit strange. The wonderful memories of her will never leave you if you go at least once.

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CalistasMom - posted on 04/08/2014

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I find the gravesite frustrating. My husband was killed in a car crash when my daughters were very young. I often visit the gravesite but sometimes I turn right around and go home -- it seems like a total waste of time. He's not there anyway. During the first couple of years, I literally went every day and brought flowers etc. but I realized I was just wallowing in grief, in a totally unproductive way.

Sharon - posted on 03/14/2014

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It is 6 years today since my 17 year old daughter died and today this seems to be the hardest as it is back to the Saturday and it is like living it all over again. I have been looking on line for ideas to make my daughters grave stone bright and welcoming to all who visit her ......not much out there I live in Queensland Australia. One thing Im thinking of doing is putting some lovely small glass tiles to cover the white concrete that surrounds her stone, this is less likely to get broken than putting a vase or ornament beside her when the whipper snipper tidies up around that area. for so long her stone has been bear with just a few flowers .....I just couldn't seem to get to grip with the idea that she is no longer with us and that anything I did was hollow with no meaning just not enough for my beautiful daughter....don't know if anyone else has felt like that. my story is like DL who wrote a comment on 02/11/2014
it is now that I want to do something ...Im open to ideas :)

Michelle - posted on 02/12/2014

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I set up this business in my daughters names
www.giftsforangels.co.uk as I could never find anything nice to put down for her,
I wanted something that was as bright & beautiful as she was. Does any one have any other suggestions of places that sell lovely grave side ornaments?

Michelle - posted on 02/11/2014

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Everyone is different. My husband had to go every day for the first 6 months after my daughter died and I could not face it. Now, 8 years on I go more than him... He finds it too hard. I don't believe my Lola, is there anyway, I talk to her all the time and now she can here me.... You mustn't feel guilt, you have to do what feels right. With all that you are going through, anything that makes each day less of a struggle is a good thing. Xxxxx

Kotrneym - posted on 10/21/2013

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My baby boy passed away in August an I can not go a day without goin to his grave site an reading to him if I'm not there twice a day at least once like other people I feel very drawn to him an bein there is my comfort place I love talkin with him an I send him a letter in a balloon every month but I dnt think u should feel guilty ur baby nos ur love an it's harder for some moms to be at the cemetery ♥

Avril - posted on 02/27/2013

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I visit my Daughter s grave twice a year on her birthday where i meet my best friend who was with me for all the 39hrs labour. and i also go up on Christmas Eve myself but i also buy a new christmas ornament every year to keep in the house. you carry your memories always inside your heart but i find it helpful to visit her grave as i sometimes talk up there in the Baby s Rose Garden as i find it Peaceful. but every1 has their own way of dealing with the death of i child . my daughter was Stillborn 21/8/1992 so i dont have any memories beyond her being Alive inside me and her having died b4 she was born.

Julie - posted on 02/21/2013

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Maylea, The gravesite maybe a lonely cold spot. For me it comforts me. I feel closer to God and feel my loved ones nearby. I read the stone and sing the song on the back and leave with a tear of love. One day I will see those babys and my other loved ones that I miss so much. I now have a new life a life of promise and for those who don't want me thats okay. I have been forgiven and I love my Lord. I will go out and do more and see more and meet new friends and comfort anyone that needs comfort at the same time encourage them to do as I do, get out and meet people live the life your Lord has given to you. Turn your life around and open your eyes to new possibilties. Amen.

Marie - posted on 02/03/2013

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When my daughter Hope died I was afraid to go but I was drawn to her grave because I couldn't let go. A friend set me up with a friend who lost her daughter to a fire. She helped me with going on her birthday and I release balloons with messages from my friends and family. Then we come home and have a birthday cake and I donate toys in her honor. I also go alone and read the first book I ever bought for her. It helps me because now my kids who never got to know their sister also feel connected and I don't feel quiet so lonely. Also know it takes time !

Kimberly - posted on 02/02/2013

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I dont really have the answer you are looking for..it has to come within yourself...only you can answer that question...its in YOUR HEART...nobody elses...i had my daughter cremated because i couldnt bare to bury her..she is with me...in her room, which i changed around and made into a comfort room for anybody that loved my daughter HeatherAnn...

Ann - posted on 01/31/2013

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no its not a bad thing i no as i do the same but i have my kids in my heart and i no thy no i love them no mater what

Jennifer - posted on 01/31/2013

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If you love your kid that much think about this, she will forever be with you wherever you are. Give much attention and love for the 2 years old son. He is alive and he needs your physical care.

Sarah - posted on 01/28/2013

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My sons grave is a solice for me. I go sometimes alone some times w my 5 kids I always clean his headstone and puck.away the weeds. Hang a chime on the tree branch that hangs over head. Sometimes its been a year or 2 between sometimes its 3 times in a week. It's peaceful there and I can be alone w my thoughts or just talk to him or just cry... I was 17 when he was born/died. It was the hardest thing in my life. I've since had 5 healthy babies and they know that Zach is a huge part of my life and the mother I am today. I have 2 tatoos one a picture of him and one his initials... W ps I love you ... But I have some things at home also his hand and footprints and a photography, a picture framed w his name and.meaning.... Things I can hold on to or look at wherever I am.... You have to listen to what's in your heart. That's what's right....

Julie - posted on 01/22/2013

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I find comfort at the gravesite of my son and memories of the other baby listed and my husband on the stone. I took great pride in the design of the stone and the song I placed on the stone. When it moves me I go out and visit the stone talk to the love ones laying near the site. No not crazy I am a mother that loved. I remember the day I stood there with my mom, husband. So the hurt will alway be there. My mother had visited the grave site many many times before she had closer. So if I feel better by standing there and singing the song it's my closer to my past loves.

Nicole - posted on 11/09/2012

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My son passed way 5 1/2 years ago. But we had him cremated and When I start missing him, or feeling down I hold his urn and I feel so much closer to him for some reason. So I think It might be good if you did visit her. You don't have to think of her that way just try to remember the other time that you had with her.. Thats what I do..

BECKY - posted on 11/08/2012

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It's been 3 years since we buried my son, I can't go to the grave site. An older lady told me when I am ready I will know and I can o, but not to push myself. I have relied on her advice. I don't know that I will ever be able to go, and that is ok with me, for he's not there in the ground. Sometimes I almost feel his presence, or did for a couple of years. I'm still not at peace with it, but I am still surviving. I feel like it would be the last step, and I am not ready for that yet.

Avril - posted on 11/06/2012

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at first i visited every day as this was a peaceful place and i felt better for talking to her even though she couldnt hear me and then it was every couple of days then i found out i was pregnant again and due on the same day and that pregnancy took over with me up+down to the hospital if i didnt get 10 kicks in case some thing went wrong again as i didn't trust the professionals as id done that 1st time as i was a new mum and she died. i visit 2 times a year now every birthday i meet my best friend who was with me throughout my long labour and we celebrate her day at the graveside[weather permitting], every xmas i go up and she gets her own small tree and decorations and every year i buy 2 new ornaments 1 goes up to her grave and the other 1 gets displayed along with all the others at home, and Easter time i go and clear her grave for the spring/summer. She is in th Memorial Rose Garden in Mortonhall/Edinburgh and SANDS/lothian help clear up any rubbish alongside the staff there. but every 1 is different i still find it peaceful there and i still talk to her but thats my way!

Brandi - posted on 10/29/2012

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I think maybe you heart is saying it is time for you to go visit. To talk to her there.

Crystal - posted on 10/24/2012

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I am 33 years old...I had my first child at 17 years old she was stillborn...i suffer from clinical depression still, when my baby died no one could keep me from the cemetary I sat there everyday ..I dont know if it was where i felt closer to her..it was the thought of having to let her go ..i still have not ..i have 4 other kids and every year they turn older ...just makes me think of her even more what she would have been like and the things she would be doing now...I go to the cemetary as many times as i can ..not as often as i did i break down everytime...Its natural to grieve in this way for those of us that have lost children know that the pain never goes away the memories are so fresh as if they just happened. Dont ever feel guilty each person mourns thier child differently.

Lisa Msrie - posted on 08/27/2012

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Ehen my baby of 3 months died the bedt advice i ever got besides whst the lord done was....take it minute by minute or day at a time.seek help from a christian.

Lisa Msrie - posted on 08/27/2012

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The day i buried my baby i wanted to die right along with her.i did everything right i thought.sids is a mystery.but what helped me was the power of the holy spitit.i went to vhurch and the pastor knew my terrible grief n he called my name n layed hands on me n my hurting doul.n right then i felt the midt powerful feeling hit me.i felt love peace and sll the guilt n the "what ifs" was gone! God lifted that dark cloud if depression snd despair off of me.i left that day eanting to live again. 3 months later i was pregnant n now 13 yrs later i have 2 healthy boys.gid promises us as christians we will see our loved ones again. This is not the end. No i dont go to her grave alot cause i know shes eith jesus. Thankyou lord

Natasha - posted on 08/20/2012

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I believe the question should be why do you feel guilty? Each person mourns for their loss differently. I always talk about my daughter, Synnovea, with my other children. They knew that one day she was on the way and a couple of days we were burying her. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Go visit the gravesite, but your child's memory will always be of the time you had with her, either in the womb or in your arms whether you visit the grave. And visiting the grave for me doesn't replace the memories, but concentrates my thoughts on her and the memories to the forefront. Each person is different and I believe this advice just what I do, but it is here for some ideas that this subject helps me cope. Hope this helps, but if not, find your own groove!

Linda - posted on 07/13/2012

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My first child was stillborn. We visit the grave every year on her birthday. It was difficult and emotional at first, but time does help. Our other children are now 11 and 14, from the time they were born they have come with us and they know everything there is to know about their sister. Losing her had a large impact on our lives and made us, in part, who we are now. To me taking the time to go visit honors the part she had in our lives. For us this is the right thing to do. But it may not be right for others. You should do what you feel is best for you. I doubt that a single visit would fill your mind with memories of her in a cemetery (after all, you already know she is there), but it might enable you to gauge how you respond and whether visiting would be a good thing for you.

Katrina - posted on 07/07/2012

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My son died 4th November, 2007 at 10 and a half months. I've never been to his gravesite. I feel guilty like I've betrayed him,but I try to remind myself that it's just his body, not him. I also feel guilty because my daughter, who was almost 7 when he died, wants to go there, but I'm not sure I'm even ready to do that.

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2012

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Wanda... your reply to Lori and your post are so full of wisdom.... there are a few things I need to put out there first..

Your name is my Mothers name who died of breast cancer at the age of 44 and I was 15..
Your post was done on March 24... That is the day my husband was murdered and left me a widow at 24 with a 3 year old son.

How we honored his Daddy was to send messages to heaven with balloons, we would write something and attach it and off went his letter to Daddy... precious.. he is now 22 and WONDERFUL!!

"Some of the hardest steps must be taken alone,dealing the best we can." perfect! spot on! well said!

and the worry stone... I found my worry stone near Tim's grave and kept it with me for many years... I would sit at his grave and play my flute for hours, and fall asleep on the grass after letting my tears flow....

Thank you, Wanda, for your words of encouragement and inspiration... It was like hearing from my Mom for a second... really cool!

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2012

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ohhh Veronique, sweetie... she knows you didn't abandon her!!! Ohhh she knows, please don't feel that way... Your precious 4 month old is in the arms of one of your relatives and is happy, no more sickness, no more pain, nothing but peace.... Please don't feel guilty or have the sense of abandonment... I feel soooo sad for your pain.

I am a Respiratory Therapist and during my years of working, I saw many people pass, from the itty-bitty to the older ones with hundreds of stories... Sitting and getting to know the families in the NICU and Peds was part of the job.. I don't know if this is even close to your experience, I just want to let you know... MANY, MANY people feel the same way, and you will work through it and it will, I won't say get easier, but it will change and someday, life starts moving... You want it to stop, because it's not fair that your baby isn't here to do all those FIRSTS... but, it will be okay.. have FAITH... I do hope you see this... You can find me easier on facebook.. I am not quite Moms savvy to find peoples answers and things..

With support,
Melissa

Melissa - posted on 06/26/2012

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I think that going to the actual grave site is a personal decision.. like Marylea said, she doesn't want that to take over her memories... That is sooooo okay, Marylea!!

We take our loved ones with us, everyday, everywhere... I did not lose a child so I do not even remotely understand your pain. My husband was murdered when I was 24 and our son was just 3 years old... THAT is my reality.. I ended up moving around the corner from where he is buried and DIDN'T even KNOW that when I moved here sight unseen from 13 hrs away!!! My plan or his? BUT, now that I am here, about 1 mile away. I actually go less than I did when I lived far away...

It has been 19 years since he passed away, and I have not been to the grave site in many years... to me, he is not there... he lives in my heart and that is the way I like it!!

Melissa... sorry if I intruded.. I don't know how I would handle your pain...

TINA - posted on 06/22/2012

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marylea i have the same problem the i didnt go to the gravesite either but as years go on it does get eaiser and that feeling will leave you. i have came to terms with mine because i know that she is in a better place. once you come to terms with that it will be much eaiser to do.

User - posted on 06/19/2012

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Its only 10days since I put my 4months and 3weeks daughter to rest. I have visited her twice since then but I feel like I should go everyday. I don't want her to feel like I have abandon her, I still want to take care of her. A day doesn't go by without missing her, I feel like I am losing it but I guess we deal with grief differently.

Lee(ashlee) - posted on 06/11/2012

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I go to see my daughter a few times a year. I dont live in the same city she is buried anymore. But I feel guilty not going to her site when i am in town. I feel like i am leaving her alone when i dont go see her. It makes me cry everytime but i feel worse if i dont go. i always have to make sure it looks nice on her plot. I guess its the momma in me to make sure shes being taken care of by me in some way. Even now after having 2 rainbow babies i dont miss a trip to talk to her.

Jessica - posted on 05/24/2012

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I couldn't go to the grave site if my son was buried I don't think or I might be there all the time. My son was cremated and I have his ashes in an tiny urn around my neck my husband has the same thing. We call it our good luck charm. As far as Noah's bulk of his ashes those are going to his surviving twin to scatter in his favorite place when he is older.

[deleted account]

I don't believe there is anything wrong with not being able to go to her grave site. When you are ready you will go. Your daughter knows that she is still with you in your heart she will be with you everyday, you don't have to go to a grave site to prove it, she knows her mother loves her and still cares very much. My son past away Last Feb and I have only been there a hand full of times and only because my boyfriend wants to go, his grand father is right next to him, sodont feel guily whatso ever

Jenny - posted on 05/11/2012

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its something i didnt do for 6months after. when i did i brought . her flowers and a snow globe. i didnt know what to do. When i got there i just started talking to her and cried like a baby sometimes still do. I think its a good thing but do go allot if it makes you too sad. that what my theraphist suggested for me. i went 1x a week no i go on all holidays and 2x a month. i decorate her grave with trinkets of the season

Belinda - posted on 05/05/2012

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It has been a year and a half since my son was stillborn. I live a block away from where he is burried. At first I went down to see him everyday, but now I try to get down once a week. The last 3 weeks Ive been stuck working late or looking after my daughter who has been sick and unable to go anywhere. I feel as though he might think I have abandoned him. Silly ay. I guess what Im saying is one extreme to the other, no matter what we do we will always question whether we are making the right decisions. And the answer to that is the right decision is the one that leaves you with a clear concience. If you feel bad maybe you should try, dont force yourself though you dont want to end up feeling worse. Good Luck

Susanmoore10 - posted on 05/04/2012

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I too lost a child. His name is john francis corley jr. he was born and died january 1990, and their is not a day that goes by that i dont miss him, although he only lived 3 and a half hours, he is as precious to me as my other 5 children. I myself and my two sons at the time were 5 and 7 visited only 3 times a year at first and then only twice a year after that. and now i only go about every 2 years. I dont like to think of him there, like my priest said on the day of his funeral he is not there, he is in heaven, free of pain. And now i am relocating and am going to have to leave him here, that is going to be very difficult, but i will just have to remember he will always be in my heart, so he will always be with me.

Melissa - posted on 04/13/2009

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Marylea-When my daughter died 3 years ago, my husband and I went to the cemetary every day. Then it turned into every Sunday after church. Now we go on holidays and her birthday. For us, we feel like we know that it is just a place- it is just her body. We know that she is up in heaven with God and that is what brings us comfort. You need to do what makes you feel comfortable. Just b/c you don't go to the cemetary everyday does not mean that you don't think about your baby girl every single day!!! Good luck- I know it is hard

Jennifer - posted on 04/13/2009

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I too struggle with this. I sometimes go after church, as she is buried in the cemetary by our church. I may not always get out, sometimes I dont go at all. I dont think there is any reason to feel guilty, there is no right/wrong way to feel. Losing a child is so hard and everybody deals with it in their own way. My husband goes almost everyday, that works for him, but i cant bring myself to. Alot of times it just makes me more sad and having to face reality that she is gone. You can feel however you need to feel about it and dont worry about what anyone else thinks! She knows you care and love her, whether you go or not! God Bless you

Stephanie - posted on 04/10/2009

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I think the hardest thing for me was saying goodbye when the bells rang at the church.  Then came the headstone...someting we all dread because it isn't the thing you want to shop for.  I have gone to the gravesite alone, and with my son.  My son goes there and talks to her and he knows he can just talk to her anywhere.  I go to put flowers, plants, and even statues of angels.  My recent purchase was a butterfly that lights up at night.  I just want to make her resting place pretty.  I know that it's only her body, and I know she is with me everyday.  The day I went alone, I ended up crying my eyes out because of the guilty feeling i had to not make her better, and come home with us.  I appologized and then suddenly felt like I was lightened.  Some say, it washer taking the pain away, reassuring me that it was just ment to be for her to go.



But never feel guilty, you are not ready, but when you are...make sure you say what you have to say without holding back.  That cry really helps.



Remember, it was the hardest thing you have ever gone through, you will get through it all, with help of others. I am sending you lots of light and warmness!!!

Michelle - posted on 04/09/2009

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My daughter, Sarah, would have been 9 on March 31st.  Each year I have taken pink roses to her site- one for each year of her age.  I have 6 year old triplets and for the past three years we have had a "birthday party" with cupcakes and they each send a balloon to heaven for her.  I guess I just wanted them to always remember they have a big sister in heaven and it is just our way of keeping her memory alive even though they never knew her.  We also take flowers on Christmas day and when the cemetery has their homecoming.  I know this probably seems a bit weird to some but I have always tried celebrating her life (because she is always with me) and know I will see her again in heaven.

Kecia - posted on 04/09/2009

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My daughter died at 17 months old with a blood clot in the brain, I firstly visited every day for years and now after 11 years we go at least every 2 weeks sometimes more depending on how we are feeling, we have found that it helped us considerably as we felt that we are still doing something for her like tending the grave putting flowers etc. lots of people I know that have lost a child feel the same and they do not go but pardon the pun if you are feeling down and go to the grave it is like having a poo (sorry but it is the only way to describe it) we talk about our child as well as she did live and she was a big part of our lives for however small of time it was.

User - posted on 04/09/2009

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I think you should grieve the way your body tells you that you should be grieving. Different people grieve in different ways. I lost a daughter in March of this year. I keep her pictures around and we talk about her and all the wonderful memories we have of being with her. When I was growing up I lost a sister to death and my mother put all her pictures away and we weren't allowed to talk about her at all. That was my mother's way of grieving. She didn't want to be reminded of her death. I want to be reminded of our daughter's life. Don't let others make you feel guilty about handling your grief in your own way.

[deleted account]

I struggle to go as well and I lost my daughter 10 yrs ago I still feel guilty I do go on and off sometimes it helps me to talk to "her" on her birthday or some of the milestones of my 2 boys that have been a struggle for me. I think it is a very personal decision that everyone has to make on their own.

Bethany - posted on 04/07/2009

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My son passed 8 years ago this Aug.  He was a little over 2 years old.  I have visited his grave, I would say more so the 1st two year he was gone.  Even though I did not feel that I needed to go to remember him, I went to celabrate his life.  I would go in May and take balloons for his birthday because he loved balloons.  I would go in October and take a pumpkin.  I would go in Novermber and be thankful that I had him for at least 2 years and then Christmas to take a little car to set on the grave.  Once I had my daughter I found it to be harder to go.  And started to realize that I did not want to remember how he died anymore.  I just wanted to remember the time I spent with him while he was here.  Everyone deals with death different and losing a child is the wrost thing anyone can go through.  I guess what I am trying to say is no one should feel guilty for not going and I can see why people would not want remember there child in that way.  But visiting the grave can also help you cope over time. 

Sharon - posted on 04/07/2009

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my 1st baby died at the age of  9 mths she spent 9 mths in hospital i traveled 2 hours 1 way . For 9 mths her name Kara lee her age 25 now i still suffer from depression for 25 years people tell me io should be over the loss by i still am not coping  i would like someone to stay in contact with to talk about things we been threw



 



 

Marinda - posted on 04/06/2009

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Quoting Ann:

hi iam ann i have lost 4 kids 1 boy and 3 girls and love them to bits and woud do eny thing to have them bk with me



Honey how do you cope??? I can`t even begin to think how I will handle something like that, We just lost one daughter and its was and still is devestating, but heavens knows 4. Love and blessings to you

Nicole - posted on 04/06/2009

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I lost my daughter Donna ,It has been 18 yrs since she passed away she was born on Jan.23,1991 and passed away the same day. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her or what her life would of been like , when we buried her we also buried our hopes and dreams. I used to go out to her grave everyday for about a yr after she died. we ended up having three more children boy"s my husband and I decided to tell them about there sister when they were little so they would know who she was , we would take them out to where she was buried at on her B-Day and on holiday"s to put flowers etc.. They were ok with it , They love her very much my boy"s are now 17,14,10 . besides my husband and I always felt that they would meet again someday and we should let them know they have a sister that god needed .. and when I"m not able to get out there we have pictures of our beautiful daughter that we can always look at that we will always treasure!!! and when people ask me how many children we have we always say 4 ,( 1 girl and 3 boy"s) =) you know you will never forget, and time does make it a little bit easier but it never takes away the love you have for your forever baby!!!!

Ann - posted on 03/25/2009

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hi iam ann i have lost 4 kids 1 boy and 3 girls and love them to bits and woud do eny thing to have them bk with me

Rachael - posted on 03/25/2009

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Dear Marylea and all - there have been lots of wise answers here already, I would just add this .... if you have been feeling bothered for some time that you haven't gone, then you have nothing to lose by going now. Perhaps going will give you something ou don't have right now. Perhaps not. But you won't know unless you go to that place and see if it makes some kind of difference for you. If it doesn't, then the worst is that nothing has changed.



 



If you believe in god or heaven f any kind, then you won't see the grave as the place your daughter really is ... to me a grave is more of a focal point you could choose to go and remember her  (in addition to all the other ways and places Im sure you remember her). I have bene twice to my son's grave, and each time I have taken the time to look at the other memorials for the other babies he is buried with. I know I'm not alone in my grief and the absolute horror I guess you could call it, of what happened to us all when he dies, I can see there are other families out there like mine - and that he is not 'alone' in the cemetry either, there are many babies sadly there with him. But really, the person who gets most out of going there, is my daughter. You may find, if you have other children, that this is one way for them to understand what has happened and a place to focus their feelings in a more tangible place?



 



Whatever you decide to do, you are still right, the gravesite won't be your true memories of her. Its just a quiet place.

Joanne - posted on 03/25/2009

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hi, i lost my baby in june 2007, i go to her grave site everyday, i feel that i have to go everyday..i can't walk past the churchyard without going in there. i don't think you must feel guilty because you havent been,everyone is different . i think if you feel you need to go to the grave side then go, but if you don't go you shouldnt feel guilty as like you say ,she will always be in your heart..

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