what can i do for my other children who are greiving badly?

Katherine - posted on 04/27/2012

Hi Amber,
I recommend finding a copy of When Children Grieve. It seems to be a decent book for the most part. My Daughter was 3 when we lost Perry and did/ does mourn. She does have the blessing of a short attention span, so it is sporatic and random at times. She goes with every other day to bring new flowers she helps pick out around our house or light a candle with Daddy.

She was there when my husband found him so we didn't let her go to the wake (a mistake?), but she did attend the funeral and realized what it was for (cried).

I left a large picture close to the ground at her level that she could look at/ touch for a while, am wondering if I need to find a smaller one for her as I caught her balancing on a bag ontop of a chest to reach his picture (she is very hands on and touch seems important to her).

Right now she is fascinated by babies and wants another very badly. My DH was depressed when I was pregnant and starting a business, so Emily was the one who talked to Perry when I was pregnant and liked to feel him move. From the beginning she was very close to him and is a great big Sister. It is very hard sometimes seeing her try to interact with other babies like she did woith Perry, but it is very obvious she is trying to fill her own voids.

The main thing is to answer questions as best you can. And do not be surprised if there is an interest in religion or anatomy. Emily wanted to know about what the body was made up of (we got a book that showed layers of the human body) and what Heaven and God was like (enter Heaven is for real for kids and a children's bible). Sometimes Emily is a typical 4 yo and other times she acts like she is 8. She draws a lot and sometimes what she draws can be disturbing, but I think she was trying to work out what happened and where Perry is through her art. I can only imagine what the preschool teachers at daycare think (she goes once or twice a week).

We are also getting a special headstone made that has a stone angel on it holding a baby. Again, Emily likes to touch and she wanted an angel. A local artist is making one with a male angel (not weeping) and holding a male baby that resembles Perry. We are blessed that there is a local artist- to comission something similar would be out of our budget with many other artists. A simple stone with names and dates wouldn't work for Emily. I am also getting a porcelain picture of Perry so it is on a level that will work for her because she can't read.

I also think family photos still need to be taken (although sometimes we avoid them when one child is missing). Let the kids pick out an object or picture that represents your child to incorporate in the picture when the time comes.

Also, mourn openly in front of them. They need to know it is ok to do.

I also keep bubble wrap around from any packages (the big bubble ones). And when Emily and I start getting angry (if we recognize it) we will jump on it. It is a great way to be destructive in a nonharmful way and what starts out with really angry bitter feeling usually winds up in giggles. You can buy a roll at Lowes for about $15. Shredding paper by hand also feels good and kicking balls can work.

Just a few thoughts.

You have a diverse age group that is working on different levels, but some of these may work for you.