what do you say to a friend after their loss

Jessica - posted on 04/27/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I have a friend that went to the ER yesterday due to spotting and ended up having a miscarriage. I have lost a total of 5 babies so I can totally understand her and the pain that she may feel, but how do I help her without turning it so thats all about me. When she told me that she was miscarrying I immediately felt a sadness for me and her but I want to be able to be there for her 100% please help

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Jackie - posted on 05/03/2010

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Remember what it was like when people would tell you they were sorry and it didnt help? Only made you feel like they had no clue what they were sorry for. Just let her know that you're there for her.

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Courtney - posted on 05/05/2010

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In my opinion and as well as experiencing losing children i think that you should simply just tell her that your there for her and anything she needs you will try your best to help out in whatever way you can. I know when i miscarried i didnt want to hear about others at the time and there problems i felt soo sad, ashamed, guilty, confused, angry...well u know how it feels but i didnt really want to even talk right away..so i found it easier when my friends would simply reach out and say "im here" Those two little words ment soo much to me and also didnt make me anymore stressed then what i was feeling at the time. But you know ur friend best and this may not work out for you, she may be the type of person who needs to talk about it..Which ever it be hoped i helped a little bit in way..and i hope the best for you both.

Debora - posted on 05/04/2010

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Just hold her when she cry's and Listen... Nobody knows how another person feels ,even if you have had the experience. We all grieve very differently. No 2 situations are alike. The loss of a child is just unbearable... Breathe! At least try to breathe. Sincerely, Debb

Jessica - posted on 05/03/2010

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I found it helpful having a friend just listen. Sometimes words are too much but just being there. Showing up with a coffee or offering a walk are ways that I felt like they cared but I was not required to respond in words

Jayne - posted on 04/29/2010

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Just another idea... I would probably go about it a little different... maybe just let her know u are there no matter what... and that you will do anything for her... everyone deals differently, she may not feel up to talking straight away, she may not need u straight away, she may need u in a week, in a month or even in 6 months time. Try not to say I know exactly how u feel cause unfortunatly although you have been through a similar heartache this is about her and her loss at the moment. One mother may have completley different feelings as opposed to another mother. Just tell her to take it one hour at a time and whatever she is feeling go with it. You sound like a beautiful friend and I think it's thoughtful of u to seek advice. I wish you and your friend every happiness, these losses are engraved on our soul and become apart of who we are.

Rose - posted on 04/29/2010

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Just give her that understanding that she needs right now, be there she will know in her heart...Let her talk, never act like the child never happened, because the baby is real. My 2nd son was lost in my 7th month, by spousal abuse...It's been 34 long empty yrs. i now have 6 wonderful grandchildren, and the last one was named after his Uncle. so just be there that's all you can do.

Courtney - posted on 04/28/2010

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The best thing I think as a mom who has lost two of her children, one to miscarriage, one to stillbirth.. would be to say, "As you know, I've been through this same situation and I am here for you whenever you need me through thick and thin." What a mom needs is someone who DOES know what she is going through or what she has gone through. There's no one in the world like another mom whose been there done that, if ya know what I mean. Don't be afraid to talk to her, talk about her baby, or to just say nothing at all. Sometimes some quiet time with a friend or a cup of coffee or an ice cream is great thing!! Be blessed and please extend my deepest sympathies to your friend and let us know how she gets on, ok?? Good luck!

Trish - posted on 04/28/2010

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I agree with Abbie, what your friend needs now is someone who will be there for her no matter what her mood is. You know what they're like having been there. If she doesn't know let her know that you've been through the similar pain and will be her shoulder to cry on , her sounding board to yell at, etc.

Abbie - posted on 04/28/2010

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You feel a sadness because in a way it is about you. You know the pain that one feels during this time. Its a pain that no words can describe. I don't think you are making this about you but its normal to feel that way, and to remember what you went through.

If I were you; I am assuming she is aware of you miscarrying before. I would just tell her, I know how hard this is, I know the pain and the roller coaster of emotions you are going through. maybe explain to her that this is normal to feel loss, to feel anger, jealousy, all those shit emotions that you go through. ( i wish someone would have told me the first time) Maybe get her a book on coping with the loss of a pregnancy- they do sell them.

I would also just be there as her friend, but dont' let it always get to be sad and dark. make her laugh, bring her flowers to brighten her day. Friends are there to help in all ways, help her to cry and hug her tight. I never had a friend who understood it.

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