Kellie - posted on 08/18/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )
my little girl was born on the 29th april 09, and lost her 2 weeks after, to a really rare illness, 1 in 4 million, when she arrived she was 8lb 4, i was in a size 6 - 8 clothes before her as i was only 17, now 18, and so she was a big healthy so so perfect looking baby and didnt look like there was anything wrong at all, slowely things started going down hill and she ended up in special care and then being taken to a different hospital where they diagnosed her with the problem and then brought back home to see family and friends just to say goodbye. its the biggest and most painfullest thing i can imagine im going to have to do my whole life and it hurts me to realise im never going to see her again. people were saying how strong i was being, keeping my head high, where in side i feel totally ripped apart. i dont talk to anyone about it , i talk about her to people but at times i think they dont really want to no about it, but i dont talk about how i feel.. although i no i should i just feel like im going to make them uncomfortable or i dont want to shove feelings on them.they ask if im ok, or coping well and i say yes.. inside i dont think i am but if i say well actually im not doing too well it makes things awkward and i just wish i do what ive been doing allalong and say im fine. im now starting to realise that people are not really helping me through things as much because of it and makes me feel like they think " well shes ok now we dont need to help her get through anymore" but still i feel like i did the day they turned her machines off and i held her in my arms untill she passed. ive recently started talking to a councillor, which has helped alot, brings alot of pain but it makes me think im getting somewhere as in letting some of my feelings out.
so she says, dont be scared to talk to people, cry, let my feelings out but then i dont really no how i can..
i visit her grave very often, lay and sunbathe next to her, talk to her, take little gifts up to her.
no one close to me really nos the pain im going through, family think they do , i cant tell them anything because they will say yeah i feel the same or yes i already no, i loved her too kind of thing.. but im certian im experiencing a total different pain as she was my own..
ive stopped going out with mates alot as i just think about her 24.7 and end up getting upset and leaving them, which i feel will start to annoy them..
is there anything u recomend i could say to people..
how i can tell them in an understanding way of how i feel or explain that im still in need of a bit of help maybe with out sounding like its all about me all the time.. ? confusing.. XX