All Communities > Motherhood after the death of a child: pregnancy, infant > what to do, act or feel after my babys loss..

what to do, act or feel after my babys loss..

Kellie - posted on 08/18/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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my little girl was born on the 29th april 09, and lost her 2 weeks after, to a really rare illness, 1 in 4 million, when she arrived she was 8lb 4, i was in a size 6 - 8 clothes before her as i was only 17, now 18, and so she was a big healthy so so perfect looking baby and didnt look like there was anything wrong at all, slowely things started going down hill and she ended up in special care and then being taken to a different hospital where they diagnosed her with the problem and then brought back home to see family and friends just to say goodbye. its the biggest and most painfullest thing i can imagine im going to have to do my whole life and it hurts me to realise im never going to see her again. people were saying how strong i was being, keeping my head high, where in side i feel totally ripped apart. i dont talk to anyone about it , i talk about her to people but at times i think they dont really want to no about it, but i dont talk about how i feel.. although i no i should i just feel like im going to make them uncomfortable or i dont want to shove feelings on them.they ask if im ok, or coping well and i say yes.. inside i dont think i am but if i say well actually im not doing too well it makes things awkward and i just wish i do what ive been doing allalong and say im fine. im now starting to realise that people are not really helping me through things as much because of it and makes me feel like they think " well shes ok now we dont need to help her get through anymore" but still i feel like i did the day they turned her machines off and i held her in my arms untill she passed. ive recently started talking to a councillor, which has helped alot, brings alot of pain but it makes me think im getting somewhere as in letting some of my feelings out.

so she says, dont be scared to talk to people, cry, let my feelings out but then i dont really no how i can..

i visit her grave very often, lay and sunbathe next to her, talk to her, take little gifts up to her.

no one close to me really nos the pain im going through, family think they do , i cant tell them anything because they will say yeah i feel the same or yes i already no, i loved her too kind of thing.. but im certian im experiencing a total different pain as she was my own..

ive stopped going out with mates alot as i just think about her 24.7 and end up getting upset and leaving them, which i feel will start to annoy them..



is there anything u recomend i could say to people..

how i can tell them in an understanding way of how i feel or explain that im still in need of a bit of help maybe with out sounding like its all about me all the time.. ? confusing.. XX

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4 Comments

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Sharon - posted on 08/21/2009

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Oh Kellie I am so sorry! You do seem like a very strong person but even strong people hurt! I also did the very same thing. My son died during labor at 42 weeks and I guess I was strong. People said I was amazing...they didn't know how I wasn't a wreck...so on and so on. What they didn't realize is that even though I was holding it together on the outside I felt like I was dieing on the inside (still do at times). What I have finally realized is that I can be honest without giving them all the details. Now when someone askes how I'm doing now...instead of saying "good" I say something like " I have good days and I have bad days...today is hard, or today is good." or 'It's really hard but I'm making it'. or if it's a really bad day I say "It's really, really hard but I'm making it." sometimes I just simply say " I am having a hard day today" they usually reply "Im sorry!" and I smile and say "Thank You!" and I mean it...and if they happen to say is there anything I can do, I let them know or if it's just that I need to know they care I just simply tell them "just knowing that you care means a lot to me...keep checking up on me o.k.". And when I am doing good I say " I am doing good today". this let's them know that I do have good days but that all my days arent good. Or even in a joking way I say "Well, right now I am o.k. but that could change at any minute, These days I could cry at the drop of a hat". This seems to put people at ease....It does seem odd doesn't it that we are the ones that have to put people at ease but that is just the way it is. We are never taught how to support others in grief...unfortunately I didn't know myself until I had to experience it myself. I pray this helps in some way! Blessings!!!

Kellie - posted on 08/19/2009

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thankyou for your kind replys, i shall try and take some of your advice :)

her name was Eleah xxx

Summer - posted on 08/18/2009

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Oh Kellie, my heart aches for your pain. Like Jennie, I lost my daughter a long time ago, 1996 and I was 19 years old. I felt like I died inside, I have been through some really challenging things since then and nothing comes close to the loss of my Rose. It took at least a year before I felt normal. I think that I visited her grave nearly every day. I would just sit there and talk to her and cry.

You are experiencing a different kind of pain than everyone else in your family, there is something very different about outliving your own child. People expect to have their parents die and sometimes even their friends, but no parent ever expects to outlive their child. Just take it one day at a time. Find people that you do feel comfortable talking to, do you have a Compassionate Friends near you that you can go to? It really helps a lot, to talk to people that have been where you are now.

If you can do it, tell some of your close family/friends how you are really feeling. If not, find some people who you can talk to. You could also try writing it all down. I know that for the first year, I felt completely lost. I don't hardly remember the first year after she died...I just went through the motions, but I felt like I died inside.

It is all about you right now! You have just experienced what will probably be the hardest thing you ever go through in your life and you need to know that it is okay for it to be all about you and your loss! My heart is with you!!
-Summer

Jennie - posted on 08/18/2009

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Hi Kellie. Firstly I am so sorry to hear about you daughter.

I completely understand your frustration of people thinking and saying that they know and understand what you are feeling, when actually although they are experiencing emotion and pain that is new and raw to them, you are right to think that as her mother you are going through feelings and emotions that only you can feel.

In 1997 I lost my son Liam to sudden infant death syndrome when he was 15 months old. I too was only 19 years old.

I too visited Liam's grave all of the time during the first year following his death, even sleeping there on 1 occassion!!!

I also told people that I was fine when actually I was far from it! I think that your feelings and actions are completly normal and I do feel that you should not expect too much from yourself as it is still very early days and still so so raw.

Sometimes I found it easier to talk to a stranger especially someone who knew what I was going through. I hope that I have been some help to you, and please dont hesitate to reply if there is anything else you want to talk about.

Take care

Jennie

PS What was your daughters name?

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