What was the worst moment for you?

Marinda - posted on 06/02/2009

The worst moment was when I was walking into our house hearing the paramedics voice saying flatline - flatline - flatline and then to see her dad with his hands in his hair coming down the hall saying "o, my God, she`s gone...I still get nightmares about that moment and probably will always, we`ve lost her 24 February 2005 at age 20, I hate that date

Stephanie - posted on 06/02/2009

Im with you on that. I want another child but Im afraid of losing another. Today is the 3 year ann. to my car wreck and I couldnt let my son go to school cause Im scared someone will wreck. My daughter died at 18 month from brain trama for a car wreck. I cant remember what she looked like but I can remember what she looked like covered in blood. I cant ahndle being around another girls. I wont have anything to do with my niece. None of my family understands.

Stephanie - posted on 06/02/2009

Remembering how she dead and hearing someone else being called her name. Looking at her pictures, seeing my son grow up. Pretty much everytthing is bad for me.

SAMANTHA - posted on 06/01/2009

I THINK THE WORST PART FOR ME WAS WAKING UP THAT MORNING FINDING HER NOT BREATHING, GOING HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL THAT DAY WITH AN EMPTY CARSEAT IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY CAR, PICKING OUT AN OUTFIT FOR HER TO BE BURIED IN AT TOYS R US WAS EXXCRUSIATING, AND HER FUNERAL. THE LAST DAY I GOT TO HOLD HER. ALL OF THOSE THINGS I WILL NEVER FORGET. BUT THE WAKING UP TO HER LAYING IN OUR BED LIFELESS WAS PROBABLY THE MOST PAINFUL. I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT MORNING AND WHEN EVER I THINK ABOUT IT MY HEART STOPS.

Jennifer - posted on 06/01/2009

at the hospital where i had my ultrasound, the tech told me she couldn't offically tell me anything, but i knew enough to know that there was no heartbeat, i had to go back to my doctors office and sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women, balling my eyes out knowing i wasn't going to be bringing my little girl home with me, i actually had a lady ask me if i was ok and i just remember snapping no

Cheri - posted on 05/25/2009

There are a few for me. Finding out by myself that she was gone (ultrasound at 37 weeks), the delivery, the tiny white casket, when the monument company placed her headstone without telling us. I went to visit her grave and was struck to see her name on a gravestone staring me in the face. The fact that not very many people understand how bad it hurts, or even try to understand. Wondering how it has affected my now 7 year old who was 2 1/2 at the time.

Barbara - posted on 05/25/2009

I am in awe of the strength and determination we all have to endure, NO ONE knows the daily hell we live in. Finding those moments to enjoy are few and far between and when we do enjoy we are instantly reminded of the pain even if we don't want to. One of my worst moments was when I had to see my beautiful 18 year old, full of a promising future, lying on a gurney in the morgue. His eyes were open and all I could do is think I will never, ever see those beautiful blue eyes again. It was horrible to leave him there. He looked like he was sleeping and I just wanted him to wake up laughing at this cruel joke.( Adam, 18yrs old, car accident, July 15,2001, 15 days before his 19th bday)

Since Wanda has brought up the topic of music etc. I have started a business because of my son's accident. It is www.beautifulmourning.com and has poems, music, books, gifts and the Healing Basket. The Healing Basket is designed to help those of us who are grieving loss to do it in an active manner. Take a look and let me know what you think.

It may not be easy but it is possible!

Barb

Lisa - posted on 05/23/2009

I understand the ITS NOT FAIR to, I was the first one to be pregnant out of 3 of my friends, I went in August, next was sept, next friend oct and the other friend went in 2 days after my sons funeral. Another its not fair I was also the first to be pregnant out of my two sister in laws. My brother and his wife had a baby dec 29 08 (my son would have been 4 mths old that day) then my husbands brother and his wife (who didnt want another child at all) had theirs April 11 09. So both sides of the family had healthy babies which I'm happy for, but why did mine have to be sick and unhealthy. I am surrounded by babies. ITS NOT FAIR.

Wanda - posted on 05/23/2009

Bravo Nichole!!!    How many of us have held back saying "it's NOT fair" ???   I would say if all mothers who feel this way got together the conversation would flow with floods of tears and what has been held back inside empty hearts.  So much that has happened since my child died is unbelievable, stupid and cruel yet we sit in silence.   BRAVO and Thank You !!!!!Quoting Nicole:

I have 2 moments that were the worst for me. One was to go in for my regular checkup and find out that baby A had no heartbeat, then to also hear that baby B was gone as well, my world fell apart in that moment. My second was to see my friends that were due near when I was suppose to be and hear them talk about their pregnancies and how well everything was going. I was torn, I was happy for them and so sad for us.
Lately everyone around me is having twins and even though it's been almost a year and a half since they died, the pain is fresh all over again. It's just not fair!

 

Nicole - posted on 05/23/2009

I have 2 moments that were the worst for me. One was to go in for my regular checkup and find out that baby A had no heartbeat, then to also hear that baby B was gone as well, my world fell apart in that moment. My second was to see my friends that were due near when I was suppose to be and hear them talk about their pregnancies and how well everything was going. I was torn, I was happy for them and so sad for us.
Lately everyone around me is having twins and even though it's been almost a year and a half since they died, the pain is fresh all over again. It's just not fair!

Wanda - posted on 05/23/2009

Thinking of every mother young and old on this Memorial Day and those in future years. This is my first without my son on the Earthly World. May 28th he would have been 31 years. His young children are being introduced to the new headstone at the cemetary and bringing flowers their first time. July 13th,2008 he left to travel to the Heavenly World...... so many hard days... all the "firsts" being the worst. With so much happening close together we will get together a few days, needing more than just fleeting moments. Birthdays for the children being a first without daddy, this is hard. His 2 yr. old daughter is just now kinda understanding. Peace ladies!!!

Lisa - posted on 05/23/2009

There are so many worst moments that I dont know which one is worse. When I had my son august 29 08 and about five hours from after having him he was in the nursery and I asked the nurse when she was bringing me him I asked how he was doing and the words I will never forget is "well there are a fews things about Brady that are not really normal that we would see in other babies, his muscle tone is real low" We didnt find out he was unhealthy until he was born. We later found out he was missing a piece of his chromosome 4. Then a week before he died the doctor told me"I dont think Brady will make it to his first birthday" those words were like a ton of brickes were just dropped on me. He had to stay at the U of M for 2 mths so for 2 mths we heard he is coming home and then nope he cant to sick. It was a rollercoster of that. so hearing those words hit me hard.
and then while picking out his casket those words "do you want a 24 inch or 30 inch casket and since he is 24 inches you might want a 30 inch so if you want to put things in there with him." Brady died on oct 31 08

Laurie - posted on 05/23/2009

on June 3.2009, we will celebrate the birthday of our first born daughter, Kaitlian.this would have been her 21st birthday! we had several worst moments one being my sister had baby girl the same day.this was difficult as many of her "firsts"were a constant reminder of no firsts for us. also, I worked in a day care then and was returning to work 6 weeks after her death to care for other 6 week old babies.as the years have passed I try to find joys inwhat my neice accomplishes as well as my 2 living children. I know Kaitlian is an angel and look for reminders of her in lambs, rainbows, gentle breezes,and love in innocent faces.Kaitlian died in my husbands arms. I also got to hold her for a short time. Holding them for however short period of time,that is the easy part--letting her go will always be one of the hardest things we have ever done.21 years have gone by and we are still taking it one day at a time!my God bless each of you who have sent angels to heaven! you are special people!

Kelsey - posted on 03/11/2009

I have so many 'worst' moments. The ultimate one was having to face my 5 year old daughter who only that morning had proudly showed off her little sister to everyone in the school playground. Seeing my husbands face as he walked into the hospital and realised Nyah had died.

Coming home to her moses basket that was still in the living room from that morning, having to wash the bottle she had last drank from, my milk flowing as I cried and cried.

Watching my husband fall apart as he carried Nyah to her funeral.

Lisa - posted on 03/11/2009

Wow, my heart aches for all of you as I read these. So similar we all are, yet God sees each pain and cares for each as individuals.

My hardest cry was being wheeled out of the hospital. They took me right through the mothers in the hallway holding thier babies. All I could do was keep my head down and try to control my self. Then when I got on the elevator I was crying uncontrollably. Then sitting waiting for the car to pull up, right beside me was a cart of flowers and belongings waiting to be loaded into another car that said "It's a boy"...that was just devistating. I later was able to share this with the clergy at the hospital in a non related conversation and they were so sorry they said they were going to fix that so it did not have to be that way.

My loss was 12 years ago and the last real big cry was the day he would have went to kindergarten. That was a rough one.

Lisa

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2009

when i had my first scan,knowing i couldn,t keep him/her.then back at work when my boyfriend was fussing over a customers new born baby, and he didn,t want ours,i was so mad at him .

Mandy - posted on 03/11/2009

And then came the funeral...... The people in the church the small coffin the cemetary evryone threw soft annimal toys into the grave and then nothing. Empty arms realising everyting was over and he was gone forever no turning back

Kellie - posted on 03/10/2009

Mine is/was remembering how it felt to literally feel my baby slip out of my body as I stood up from the car to walk into the emergency room. I just lost my little girl this past Sunday so this is still very raw for me but this particular memory I get several times a day--something I honestly wish I could wipe from my memory.

It also takes me a long time to lay down in bed to sleep each night...too many memories of my husband and I rubbing on my baby bump and talking to her.

I'm sure there will be other triggers or memories that I will forever hold...

Madeline - posted on 03/10/2009

I lost my son a little over halfway through my pregnancy due to complications with the placenta implanting too low--it was my first pregnancy and I was very young. I think  one of the worst moments was when I got home I started lactating and no one at the hospital had thought to warn me about that.

Also, consulting my hospital discharge papers to call and ask about what to do--the instructions said not to lift anything heavier than the baby. It was like a slap in the face.

Lisa - posted on 03/10/2009

Alexander Charles passed away Dec. 3, 2008 only 3 hours after being born. The hardest moment - handing his little body back to be sent to the morgue. He looked like a sweet little sleeping angel. I wanted to keep him with me. The hardest thought was , "This was my husband's SON". We have 2 beautiful girls and were SO excited to have our boy. I still miss him... he was so cute. Lots of dark hair.. We had an open casket for immediate family and I hated that he was so swollen with fluid from all the CPR. We don't question why... it would drive me crazy... it just wasn't meant to be. I still wish he were with us and I really hate that we have to experience this in our lives. There will always be that hole in my heart but I don't dwell. There is so much joy in life to be had... we try and focus on all the good and let go of the bad.

Trisha - posted on 03/10/2009

Another horrible thing that I was reminded of as I was reading some of the other responses is the the song "Lullabye" by Billy Joel. I used to sing it to Luca as I was rocking him to sleep. Now, I sing it to him everyday when I visit his grave. His headstone even says "Goodnight my Angel". I miss that so much! My heart is just broken...

Trisha - posted on 03/10/2009

I lost my son, Luca in September to SIDS. He was 15 weeks old. There were a lot of horrible things. One of the worst things for me, besides the obvious, was looking down at my breasts hours after he had died, and realizing that I was leaking and there was no one to give my milk to. It was very painful, and even with medication, it took a week before they started to go down. What a horrible reminder of my baby's death. The other thing was his rosary, when I saw his tiny coffin for the first time. That pretty much ripped my heart out. For some reason, I expected it to be bigger, I don't know why.

Allyn - posted on 03/10/2009

The worst moment was having to go to the funeral home to pick up the urn that held my babies.  We had twin girls at 22 weeks.  We didn't even know we were having twins!!  We were moving back to Aurora, Il and I was excited because I would be back with the doctor's that delivered my first son.  Because of the move, I had to wait to get my 20 week ultrasound, so at 22 weeks I went in for it.  That was when I found out we were having twins and that there was something majorly wrong.  They sent me right over to the hospital to see a specialist and he confirmed what the ultrasound said.  We were going to go back in on Monday morning to talk about options, but the next morning I went into labor.  The nurses told me the girls lived for a couple of hours, I only got to be with them for a few minutes.  They couldn't stop the bleeding so I had to get a D&C.  When I came to, the babies were gone already.  I had a 3 year old son that depended on me, when all i wanted to do was stay locked away in my bedroom.  We have since had another boy.  He has low muscle tone and is developmentally delayed.  He is making progress and is wonderful. 

Nothing will ever take away the pain and sorrow, I comfort myself knowing that I have 2 special angels watching over our family.

Mandy - posted on 03/10/2009

The worst moment for me was when they told me that my 9 month old son had no brain activity and that we had to turn of the life support. I remember the doctor's face the cold of the room and the silence. The look on my husbands face as he realised our first born son was gone. Signing the termination documents and then seeing his last breath. That is the part that will stay with me forever.

Greta - posted on 03/09/2009

Yes, coming home with only two babies instead of three. There was All Dominique's stuff set up, 3 cribs, 3 dressers, and the name plates. But holding her as she took her last breath was worse. They put her in my arms, and stopped the machines, She became cold, and I could not let go. Then I was so angry with myself because I didn't have the strength at the time to view her body at the funeral home. The director told me she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He did both of my little girl's funerals, and did them for free. He and his wife had had many miscarriages. So he said he made God a deal, if they could keep just one baby to have and hold, he would do all children's funerals for free. What an amzing man he was. They did have a child.

Pamela - posted on 03/08/2009

For me it was going to follow up appointments at the OB's office and psychologically dealing with a waiting room full of pregnant women, moms with newborns and other children. My womb ached for my baby. I wish they'd had two separate waiting rooms.

Stephanie - posted on 03/08/2009

picking out an outfit for our 4yr old to wear and waking up without her. she used to wake up early and jump in bed with my husband and i. quietly whisper mommy turn on my shows..

Mkenzie - posted on 03/08/2009

I don't think there is any one worst moment, but several over the years.  One of the continuing worst for me is hearing teh songs played at my son's funeral: "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins from the movie "Tarzan" and Dana Keys "Dear Mr Clapton."  We also sang "Do Lord" while we released balloons to him.  Now anytime I see balloons floating in the sky, I remember the funeral service. 

I remember seeing the mound of dirt at his grave.  And I detest what my now ex step mother in law did to the grave site, regardless of her "need" to do something.... she flattened out the dirt and bordered the site with those scalloped red bricks and then filled in the area with red lava rocks.  She made it about 4' by 6'.... for a newborn infant.   And now she doesn't even maintain the site she created and me and my son's father are on the opposite coast from where he is buried.

Learning that the entire Ship, from the Captain all the way down knew before me that he had died....  not being told the results of the autopsy andhaving to decode it myself with the PDRs, Encyclopedia's and Dictionaries.... having to confront the Coroner....

And that's just with my first son.    My second son.... the worst part of that was all that happened with my marriage afterwards.  The fact that my husband said that I had lost a pregnancy.  Not a baby, and not we.... HE did not lose anything.... I just lost a pregnancy.  And seeing the look on his face, his body language, as we went to the room in the ER (Finally) where I had to give [still] birth to my baby.

And now, 3 years (next month) after losing Cian, 8+ years after losing Eric, and having to explain it all to a 5 year old sister who's expecting a new little sister.... reassuring her that she is NOT going to heaven any time soon, that she WILL see her brothers again someday, that her baby sister WILL come home.... and wondering what in God's name I tell her if for some reason this little one I carry now does not come home with us.   

Wanda - posted on 03/07/2009

Those who knew my son mentioned he liked the song FREEBIRD. My friend and the misister of the funeral let us be non traditional. I asked a special favor of the organist, a former classmate. She played a melody before the service, for a very special purpose. My son has a 2 yr. old daughter he will not see marry, I have a bride and groom dancing music box for her wedding day. The music box tune is "Speak Softly Love", it will be hers when she is old enough to understand why it was played at her daddys funeral. I save all the music that has meaning to me on my facebook ( so I can find and remember it)... then when I can I try to make a purchase of a album. This gives me a reason to hang around music stores & I especially love the rare trip to a used record store. I do not know if I ever invest in a Ipod , but I keep track of what I'd like to put on one.

I really applaud you for sharing the wonderful idea you had of a movie with music & photos. This gives me something to plan in the years ahead.... thank you my new friend. Mary I did look up the songs ...thank you, they are each like a special gift and I am truely grateful.

Mary - posted on 03/06/2009

Quoting Wanda:

There is a song by Billy Joel that is healing to me and I listen to each word, gives me peace. "Lullabye". Maybe one of you mothers can find out if the Lyrics can be printed or posted. You moms who taught me about angel babies got me to searching for this. If we combined our talents perhaps we could get a organized area for quotes of wisdom and lists of music. In some ways we are very different- and- in others NOT DIFFERENT at all. We are alike in heart. FREEBIRD was played at my sons funeral at the request of those who loved him and his type of music choice( many generations needed this song). Team up you with the knowhow to create a library sanctuary area we can return to. There are at least 2 poems in the replies that are perfection to our purpose, yet I struggle to locate them when I need them most.

This is such a great idea. I so wanted to share my son with everyone and felt very cheated out of that. He never met so many of our family members and friends. I began to think how I could share my son. My husband and I made a "resume".  We started it with a quote from R. Munsch's book "Love You Forever"

“A mother held her new baby and

very slowly rocked him back and forth,

back and forth, back and forth.

And while she held him, she sang:

I will love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

My baby you’ll be.”

We put down how we came up with his name, how he received his nicknames, etc. I had taken tons of pictures of Lukas in the 3 weeks he was here. I asked my brother-in-law to make a movie out of them. He used our lines from his resume to scroll with the pictures. In the movie, we used "Fathers's Love" by Bob Carlisle, "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" by the Dixie Chicks, "A Song for Momma" by Boyz II Men, and "Baby Mine" by Bette Middler.  I love  your idea. Music normally helps me. And if we can find songs, poems, books etc. that would be awesome.

Mary - posted on 03/06/2009

It was all so sudden. So my moments are all one after the other.

When the doctor began to yell at my husband and me in his office. Asking us why we had taken him there because my son was dead. Watching them do CPR trying to revive him. Then walking across the street to the hospital fearing the truth. After twenty-seven hours on machines, watching the doctors test him for brain activity and seeing no reaction. Watching my husband fall apart when the doctor told us what we already knew. They weren't able to save my son. Telling all my family that my baby was gone. Feeling my breasts swell and pumping alone in a room knowing my baby would never feed again. Feeling I should have done something sooner. Hearing how are you and trying to be strong so that they aren't uncomfortable instead of telling them, "Well, how do you think I am? I just lost my son." (And why do we say lost when we know exactly where our children are? ) Everytime I realize I am going to "see" my son at his grave. Waking up in sweats from a dream searching for something then realizing that I am looking for my son and he is not here. I'm afraid I won't recover. I so want to be a mom again but I am so traumatized. I feel I had poor judgement and I couldn't go through that again. I look forward to the day when I can say "Life goes on".

Karah - posted on 03/06/2009

I think the worst feeling was waking up and not being pregnant. I felt empty. Literally empty and had no baby. The first time I woke up and realized I wasnt pregnant anymore... Ill never forget how that felt.

Angela - posted on 03/06/2009

There are so many worst moments. I think that getting home after leaving Angel at her babysitter's house for the coronor to pick her up and walking in our bedroom to look at an empty bassinet. I had just kissed her goodbye that morning on my way out to go to work. It had just been 10 hours since I saw her alive and wiggling in her bassinet when I kissed her on her forehead. It just don't seem fair for her to have fought her way into this world( I had 2 threatened miscarriages the first two weeks after I find out I was pregnant, and she was born at 27 weeks and spent 99 days in the NICU). She had just been home 5 months and was doing completely fine. She died only 2 weeks and 3 days ago. I'm sure more horrible moments are still to come

Beth - posted on 03/05/2009

I agree with you I think that was the worst for me as well. We had our daughter for 5 months in the hospital the whole time preparing for her to come home and When we got the call it was horrible but at least I was able to hold her in my arms until she took her last breathe.They give you the prints and they gave me a baby ring for her that I now keep around my neck since the day she passed.

Dawn - posted on 03/05/2009

mine was geting phone call from school saying that jade had been taken to hosp.and then having to ring my mum and hear her break down on the phone when i tell her that jade passing away

Bev - posted on 03/01/2009

Leaving the hospital, with no baby, and a suitcase full of the clothes I was planning to bring him home in...  I can still "feel" it in my chest to this day, almost like an inability to breathe.

Alice - posted on 03/01/2009

I lost a son to SIDS he was 7 weeks old. My worst moment was when people thought Daniel suffocated like I was a bad mom who let my child suffocate. SO I had to educate my community only weeks after Daniel died on SIDS.

Jen - posted on 02/15/2009

Here are the lyrics.  They are posted on quite a few sites.  I believe the question of copyright comes into play when there is profit being made from the unauthorized use of the words.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu
lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

Wanda - posted on 02/15/2009

There is a song by Billy Joel that is healing to me and I listen to each word, gives me peace. "Lullabye". Maybe one of you mothers can find out if the Lyrics can be printed or posted. You moms who taught me about angel babies got me to searching for this. If we combined our talents perhaps we could get a organized area for quotes of wisdom and lists of music. In some ways we are very different- and- in others NOT DIFFERENT at all. We are alike in heart. FREEBIRD was played at my sons funeral at the request of those who loved him and his type of music choice( many generations needed this song). Team up you with the knowhow to create a library sanctuary area we can return to. There are at least 2 poems in the replies that are perfection to our purpose, yet I struggle to locate them when I need them most.

Jen - posted on 02/15/2009

The moment when I realized that I knew exactly when it had happened and had actually questioned what my son was doing because he'd been kicking me so bad.

This is followed by the moment the funeral was done.

The third moment is when I called the cemetery 7 years later and had to ask what my son's location was and had to say "he's in the infant section." I choked on the words "infant section" and got depressed.

Jen - posted on 02/15/2009

The moment when I realized that I knew exactly when it had happened and had actually questioned what my son was doing because he'd been kicking me so bad.

This is followed by the moment the funeral was done.

The third moment is when I called the cemetery 7 years later and had to ask what my son's location was and had to say "he's in the infant section." I choked on the words "infant section" and got depressed.

Laurie - posted on 02/15/2009

I sympathise with all of you . My worst moment(one of them at least) was being introduced as someone who lost her daughter! I knew she wasn't lost and knew she was never coming back.That truly hurt.

Laurie - posted on 02/15/2009

I sympathise with all of you . My worst moment(one of them at least) was being introduced as someone who lost her daughter! I knew she wasn't lost and knew she was never coming back.That truly hurt.

Debra - posted on 02/14/2009

i had many bad moments , the day they told me my twins had died then the 23hrs it took me to deliver them and not wanting to let go and just keep them safe in side me, but i think my worst day was the funeral see the tiny coffin carrying them both and knowin i could never see them again ,it just killed me,

Elizabeth - posted on 02/13/2009

There are many.. one was when I walked in the room at the hospital, they were trying to revive him, but he was white and looked terrible and I knew he was gone. I had to tell the Dr it was ok to stop working on him... Another was arriving home from the hospital and having all his stuff around like we had left it that morning, his toys, bottles, formula; the clothes he was wearing the day before crumpled on the coffee table... Finally, having to call my mom and the rest of our family to tell them our precious little guy was gone...

Jessica - posted on 02/13/2009

There were 2 major "worsts" for me. 2 Days after Tristan dies I heard a baby crying outside and went a little off the deepend thinking it was Tris. I tore the apt apart searching for him and screaming at my boyfriend that I'd heard him so I knew it was a trick and Tris was hidden somewhere. The 2nd was at his funeral. I wanted to hold him one last time and when the funeral director handed him to me I just couldn't do it. I was scared if I held him after he died I wouldn't remeber how it felt to hold him when he'd been alive.

Dana - posted on 02/13/2009

They were going to life flight our son to a bigger hospital and we left for there, about 5 minutes later we got a call to come back and I knew he was gone. They were still doing cpr when we got back but stopped when my husband and I got in the room. We stayed with him for 2 hours or more waiting for our county coroner to come. Then they made me leave my baby. My husbands family cleaned our house and put all Clayton's stuff in the wrong spots. They washed his dirty clothes, stupid stupid stupid, and not even in his regular detergent so they smelled wrong and were stiff. TOO MANY people at the funeral home while we were making arrangements, and having to listen to my mother in law jabber nonsense all the way home. Listening to people tell other people what happened and not even getting it right. People asking how I was doing when all they really wanted to hear was that I was doing 'ok' and not being prepared to hear how I really was. These were the worst things.

Sherry - posted on 02/13/2009

One of many , ---  when it was time for us to go home ,  after our daughters birth(still),  and I handed Mary to my Midwife.  I caved into my husbands arms and wailed....I am sure the whole hospital heard us.  I have never felt such pain,  actual pain,  all over.....

Kelli - posted on 02/12/2009

the worst moment for me was when to Dr's told me my labor just could not be stopped and I had to start pushing. I was only half term with twins. so not only did I have to deliver one I had to deliver 2. we were hoping to stop Xander for comming as well but 1 hours later I had to do it all over again. but actualy seeing and touching and hold and loving my lifeless twin sons no bigger then babrie dolls was the this is truely happening moment. the next morning leaving the hospital unable to afford a funeral knowing/or not knowing what was going to happen to there tiny bodies haunts me still to this day. on top of being reminded once a month with still paying off the huge hospital bill thanks to being air lifted from one hospital to another. paying the hospital for labor and delivery of 2 children I didnt get to bring home is absolutly heartbreaking. I go through anxiety attacks every month when I go to pay the bill.

its truely amazing to hear all your stories. your all so brave and its wounderful to be able to connect with others who have gone through theses rough times as well. I wish the best to all of you.

Christy - posted on 02/12/2009

For me, it was when I got home and everyone that had been swarming our house went back to their lives.  It was quiet in the house.  I was doing chores and I had a flashing thought, "Oh, I should wake up Lauren!  She's been napping too long!"

But she wasn't napping.  SHe was gone but I had momentarily 'forgotten'.