When someone asks "how many children do you have?"...

Joscelyn - posted on 01/24/2009

I say I have two children,unless the conversation turns toward miscarriage or stillbirth then I say 4.  Or I might say I have four & they give me a questionable look, but usually I say it to people who already know or people who I think knows about it.

Patti - posted on 01/24/2009

I lost my son in 2005. I already had two children and have had one since plus a foster son now. My husband and I usually answer this with something like we have 5, but only 4 at home....if they want to know more I will tell them because I am comfortable with talking about Alexander. Often people will just leave it at that......and thats ok too.

Tanya - posted on 01/23/2009

sometimes i say i have 4 kids and other times i don't sepends who i'm talking to how i feel and the situation.  however in my heart i have 4 kids and with friends and family i always say my 4 kids.

x x x x

Christina - posted on 01/23/2009

I too had that problem but I HAD 2 boys, even though I lost my first born son.  People usually don't care about details and if they do, I'm honest and explain what happened.  I think it's OK to say how many children you have even if one isn't with you now.

Nicole - posted on 01/23/2009

Not sure what you mean?

Bobbi - posted on 01/23/2009

depends on the day

Nicole - posted on 01/23/2009

I really struggle with that one too, i lost my little boy Jake in 2006, he was 6 days old and had various poblems. I fell pregnant quickly afterwards and when asked is this your first i didnt really know how to respond.

You either feel you should explain what happened then get uncomfterable looks or someone says well its happened for a reason!! Obviously meant to be, i hate that saying!!!!!!

Sandi - posted on 01/23/2009

I lost my angel girl in april of 08,  and I tell everyone who asks that I have a baby girl in heaven...  I've noticed that other people seem a little dazed and guilty after my answer, but I am so proud of my daughter for the loosing battle she fought right from day one, that I feel its necessary to honor her memory...  its all a matter of personal choice and what you feel is right tho I think.... everyone heals differently.....

Yanira - posted on 01/23/2009

I say that I have two daughters, one here and one in heaven. It's my way of honoring my baby's short life.

Erica - posted on 01/23/2009

I decided that I didn't want anyone at work to know about my son dying because I always seem to get two responses: preachy people who try to make me feel better or uncomfortable silence. I didn't want to dislike people for their response to the matter. Inwardly, I get really sensitive about it. When asked how many kids I had, I would say that I have a 5 year old son, trying to dodge giving an exact count. Since then, I have developed so many relationships and feel trapped by the fact I have kept this hidden. There just seems to be no easy answer to this question.

Samantha - posted on 01/23/2009

Different answers at different times! People probably think that I am crackers or can't count. But, you know when it is appropriate or not.

I mostly say that I have five children and like was mentioned before if someone is curious enough they will ask, but most will just leave it at that. I feel guilty not acknowledging my two little girls.

I have a boy at 7, then I lost twin girls, Scarlett was 3 weeks old and Summer was three months old after very premature births, that was in 2005. I then had a little boy in 2006 and a little girl last August.

Ruth - posted on 01/23/2009

Quoting Sarah:

I always say i have two children. My eldest died after a car accident in feb 2007. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant at the time ad found it very hard. People who know don't always want to talk about Amelia, but to me she is still part of my family and always will be, so she deserves to have a mention. I did find it hard, and didn't want to make the other person feel awkward, but Amelia means too much to me

Hi Sarah, I lost my second child Rebecca on 4th March 2002, she was 14.  I allways include her in conversations, about my children. I carry all my childrens pics  around with me. I fill so blessed to be able, t have loved and lossed than to have never had loved. Christmas is allways my hardest month, as she was born on 26th december..   Just dosen`t  fill right celebrating without her.   We send Balloons tied with paper with messages, from our heart, up on her birthday.

I also lost a child in pregnacy, we named him as david junior,. when i look at my youngest i often wonder if dj looked like him or my oldest son, one with dark hair the other with ginger hair. DJ was a twin, his sister is now 12, don`t know if I am making her fill sad, when i talk about him?

I try to go to the spiritulist church, but since i moved it has become harder, one day I would like to meet him.  I pray Rebecca is looking after him for me...  We all need to hold on to some thing or we will crack up..

I find it also difficult as myself and their father have divorced. grief takes no two people, the same way.  how do any of us cope?. It dose help knowing others know how I fill, we do need to talk. thanx.

Robyn Houghton - posted on 01/23/2009

We lost our son in Nov 07, When people ask me how many children we have, at times I dont know what to say, i feel as if I say I have 1 I am lying, and at other times, oh i dont know that question is hard everyone feels different. But I do say I have 2, it just depends on a good day or bad day....

Patricia - posted on 01/22/2009

i lost my son jan 2007 he was 9 months and when people asked me how manny kid i have i didnt know what to say it felt wrong to say i had two when really i have three but i just think about how it would make someone feel uncomfortable so when someone askes i just say two , it might sound odd but it does help .

Casey - posted on 01/22/2009

I agree that the right answer is whatever feels best for you.  For us it really depends on who is asking and if we feel like talking about it.  Our situation is even more difficult to explain though.  We lost twin boys Sept 1, 2007, our daughter was born Sept 1, 2008, and my husband has a daughter that isn't his biologically, he started dating his ex-wife when his daughter was 5 months old and she has never met her "real" dad but he never adopted her before they divorced either.  So sometimes when people ask if it is our first we say no, sometimes we say yes.  When people ask how many kids we have sometimes it is one, sometimes three, sometimes four.  Sometimes it is "We have one non-biological daughter who lives in KY, twin boys who live in heaven, and one girl who lives with us." 

Sometimes if we say three and we just have Lauren with us they will ask where the other two are.  My favorite answer is, "At home on the dresser."   I used that with the nurse at the doctors office (the OB) because she hadn't read my chart.

I don't feel guilty about not mentioning the twins to everyone, they know and I know that they will always live in my heart and we won't ever forget them.

Lana - posted on 01/22/2009

The "right" answer is whatever feels best for you. I have three children - and eight-year-old son and two who died as a result of miscarriage. I, too, feel "guilty" when someone asks how many children I have and I say "one", but if it's someone I don't know well, I don't always want to get into the whole story. With people with whom I have more of a relationship and feel comfortable with, I will say "three" and explain. Do what feels right for you - your daughter will understand.

Lana - posted on 01/22/2009

The "right" answer is whatever feels best for you. I have three children - and eight-year-old son and two who died as a result of miscarriage. I, too, feel "guilty" when someone asks how many children I have and I say "one", but if it's someone I don't know well, I don't always want to get into the whole story. With people with whom I have more of a relationship and feel comfortable with, I will say "three" and explain. Do what feels right for you - your daughter will understand.

Amanda - posted on 01/22/2009

I hear you, we have a 10yr old and just in June of '08 had another, we lost our daughter inbetween our two boys and when people ask how many kids we have, some days I say technically 3, but our little girl passed, and some times I just say two boys because I don't want to have to talk about it or answer the questions that are sure to follow. I just don't know what to do or how to say it to people, because she was here and whether it was for the 100 days or 100 months or yrs, she was/is/and will always be our daughter; she may not be here now but she is still apart of our family.

Crystal - posted on 01/22/2009

I know what you mean. I usually tell them 3. I lost my first child at 17weeks and 5 days. I had a infection in my placenta and it caused my water to break. It has been 4 years since the lost of my baby girl Angel Rose. Since then I have had two beautiful girls. I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Most people dont ask where the other one is but if they do I just tell them she is in Heaven.

Sarah - posted on 01/22/2009

I always say i have two children. My eldest died after a car accident in feb 2007. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant at the time ad found it very hard. People who know don't always want to talk about Amelia, but to me she is still part of my family and always will be, so she deserves to have a mention. I did find it hard, and didn't want to make the other person feel awkward, but Amelia means too much to me

Sheila - posted on 01/21/2009

I always say that I have 3 children and then if asked about the other two I say they passed away but are always with us.  If they want to ask, they do and if not I usually get a polite, heartfelt, "I'm sorry"..to which I just respond "thank you" and leave it at that.  If someone wants to ask more than they will and I am open to answering.

Lisa - posted on 01/21/2009

for me, it depends on the situation: if I am in a hurry, or it is someone I have never met before, I will say 8. But then, many times I say "it depends on how you count... 8 at home and 5 in heaven - one we lost at 2 weeks, the others before birth." We have had 4 miscarriages and one infant death in addition to the children at home. many people count the infant death, but don't consider the miscarriages "real babies." I do!

Staci - posted on 01/21/2009

Most of the time I reply I have 3 and 1 angel. I guess it just depends on what kind of day I'm having, and if I feel like going into the details of the loss of my daughter almost 3 years ago.

Laurel - posted on 01/21/2009

I have a living son and a daughter who passed away. I know what you feel like completely. There is no right answer. When I say "one" I feel like I deny my daughter's existence. If I say, one living and one who passed, it really depends on the person, but you get all sorts of reactions. I usually do say the latter because I've decided that the uncomfortableness is the other person's problem. I can't deny my daughter's existence. Our society needs to be more open and honest that children die.

Halo - posted on 01/21/2009

my dad is a chiropractor. all of his patients knew they were coming down for the birth of their first grandchild. when he went home he had to tell all of those same patients who, of course, asked all about the new baby that the baby died. he said it was very theraputic for him. having to say it over and over and over again to everyone who asked.

Dawn - posted on 01/21/2009

I had lost my little girl in 2007 and it is still hard to talk about it sometimes since I was 7 months along.  Many peolple ask me how many children I have since I work in a birth center at a hospital.  I tell them that I have one healthy 2 year old and a little angel waiting for me.  Once people know it is easier to talk about it, if they ask and I think that is like therapy for me.

Halo - posted on 01/21/2009

my son knows about his brother, and my baby girl will eventually, too. he doesn't know all the details, only that we had a baby who died. we have jesper's picture up on the wall. his urn is in our living room. i think it is more confusing for kids to see the result but not know why. "why is mommy so sad today or these days?" i think if they are kept out of the loop they might interpret it as something they themselves have caused.

my dh had a brother who died 3 years before he was born. there is a sister in between. the only way my hubby learned about his brother was by overhearing his parents' arguments. that is no way for a child to learn of their sibling.

it serves no one to keep it a secret. and there is a concept that might help your boyfriend understand this. it basically boils down to this, when a parent or grandparent dies, do you take their pictures down? do you stop talking about them? or do you keep their picture up and tell the stories of their life? the answer is obvious. you talk about them and you keep their picture up. it honors them. it gives their life meaning and purpose. and keeps them alive in your hearts, right? right. it isn't weird to talk about your first child with your subsequent children. weird would be keeping it from them. but that's JMO.

Debbie - posted on 01/21/2009

You simply say "I do have a little girl she is waiting for me in Heaven" They will wish they hadn't made the statement.Sometimes people don't stop to think who has or might have lost a child so most comments like that are not meant to hurt anyone although at times they do.

Debbie - posted on 01/21/2009

My children do know the youngest was 4yrs at the time. They very openly speak about their sister Emily-Maree who only lived 1 1/2 hours they also understand what happened. My youngest daughter ( now 22 ) has always had a very unusual connection with her and had kept her sisters baby clothes for her own children when she has them. Before loosing our little girl I had 3 miscarriages and lost twin boys one at 12 weeks and the other at 18 weeks. It is important to keep their memories alive and also helps the children to be more caring and understanding to others when they meet someone who has also lost a child. My kids have often said "We really do understand we have lost brothers and a sister too"

Jennifer - posted on 01/21/2009

Exactly?! I usually say 3 since that is what I physically have. But sometimes I feel like I am cheating him. Do your other kids know about their brother/sister? My boyfriend thinks its weird if kids mention they had a brother. He was my 1st so they only know what I have told them. I do think its weird when they talk about him like they know/knew him.

Tracy - posted on 01/21/2009

I lost my baby girl at full term in 2002 and I answer with I have 4 kids. It all depends if you want to share your loss or not. The answer is in you and even though we don't say it; that beautiful baby is always in our hearts.

Debbie - posted on 01/21/2009

Hi Colette, I lost a little girl 15 years ago and from day one I always included her in my count. I have always said I have 5 children but god wanted my little girl so he took her. I'm not very religious but this ususally is enough for people not to ask anything further but if they do and I'm not comfortable discussing it with them I simply say " It very personal and I would like to keep it that way but thankyou for your concern"
Deb (Australia)

Caroline - posted on 01/21/2009

Quoting Colette:

When someone asks "how many children do you have?"...

We are fortunate to have had two healthy children since the loss of our beautiful Lucy Ella. It has been 8 years since she passed, and I still have issues when the question of how many children we have comes up. What's the "right" answer? I feel tremendous guilt when I say we have two children, but don't want to go into a discussion about our loss nor make the other person uncomfortable. What do you all say?...

hi i lost my daughter at 5 days old she had brain damage due to birth complications when any body asks how many children i have i say 19yr old twins and i tell them i lost a daughter 17 yr ago tho it still herts so much u never forget

Colette - posted on 01/21/2009

Halo,  thank you for "saying" Lucy's name.  Maybe her and Jesper are playing.  I'd like to think that she is enjoying everything we are not able to.  Also, we get the same "perfect family" comments often.  Ugh!  If they only knew.  It has been eight years yesterday that we lost Lucy.  I remember every minute of that day.  It's people like you, Halo, that make me feel "normal" (I'm sure there's a more appropriate word) about what has happened to our family.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Halo - posted on 01/21/2009

the comment that bugs me the most right now is, "oh, a boy and a girl. now you have a complete/perfect family." and this is from people who know me and know about jesper. my family will always be missing someone. we will never be complete. and just because i have one living boy and a living girl, doesn't mean we are perfect. we are what we are. and it is a rare occasion when i let them off the hook for this particular statement. i usually remind them that i've had two boys and a girl and that we will never be complete because jesper will always be missing.

Halo - posted on 01/21/2009

my first son was born still 10 days past his due date in 2003. since then i've had two beautiful healthy babies. when someone asks me, i say "three." if they ask further (ages or whatnot) i will tell them that my first son died at birth. because to say he was stillborn leaves too many with the impression that he was too early. he wasn't too early. if anything he was too late. i don't know that i have ever left him out.

the trick is to find your "mantra." the answer that works for you. if you don't want to share Lucy with others, don't. if you feel like not including her is somehow not honoring her, then include her. most people i know have a system of degrees that will determine what they say to someone. a stranger that you will never see again does not get the same response as someone you are likely to get to know on a more personal level. ultimately, it is up to you.

personally, i always include jesper. i'm not ok not including him. he was and is a part of my life. i feel like not including him is denying him. and i'm not ok with that. but even my husband does not always include him in the count. everyone is different.

Emilie - posted on 01/21/2009

I always say I have 3 sons. Even though my middle son died at 5 months of age. I like
to talk about him. His little short life was so full of meaning and I like to share his life with
others. He actually helped medical science in the discovery of prostiglandins (spelling?) and was in the show The Nature of Things and I met David Sazuki.

Jenny - posted on 01/21/2009

I lost my little boy in May last year, aged 9 weeks to SIDS. I am due to start a new job soon and when I went for the interview they asked why I left my last employment. It was hard but explaining gave me some sort of comfort to be able to talk about him. Many people have asked how many children I have and I always say two, but unfortunatly we lost our son. It does sometimes make people uncomfortable but in my opinion its there problem. My son will always be my son.

Sarah - posted on 01/20/2009

Quoting Mary:

i always feels slightly sad  when people asks how many children i have.. i used to say two, one with me and one on the other side. i think it depends on the person asking and how much i want to talk about it. if i do say one once the person gets to know  me more, i talk about emily and they will state i thought you only had one child. always alittle akward. i hope it gets eaiser. i still think of myself a mom of two kids

i think u are really brave why not tell the world about your lovely child that pass i would be prond if u told me hun but u just keep strong  u doing a good job xxxxxxxxx

Sarah - posted on 01/20/2009

no dont u say wot u feel comtarble with bec if u said u said 3 would u be able to go in deatails babes just be strong and u will say 3 kchildren when u feel the time is right

Jennifer - posted on 01/20/2009

I lost my son in 2002 and when I am asked I simply say I have 2 angels on earth and one in heaven. I am very blessed to have my beautiful twins who still express their love for their little brother. He is still a part of our family, but I believe you should say what you feel in your heart.

Ja-Angel - posted on 01/20/2009

If you feel comfortable answering that question then just simply say that you have a little girl waiting for you in heaven and that you have no regrets because anyone who is a parent, a real parent, knows that there are no regrets when having your children. Maybe we regret the things we say and do but never the lives we bring into this world. There isnt anything for you to regret because you did have the luxury of having a girl no matter what age you lost her at. She was and will always continue to be special to you and nothing can ever change that. Good luck to you I hope that has helped.

Ann - posted on 01/20/2009

I am new to this group and this question really grabbed me.  I lost my Emily April 2002 (27 weeks) and now have amazing little boys.  I actually had a women in the grocery store tell me I NEEDED to have a girl or I would regret it.  What do you say to that!  I too feel that struggle with the question, I love some of your answers. 

Kris - posted on 01/20/2009

I feel the same way.  My son, Ian, died in April 2004.  We have recently adopted our daughter from China. I typically just answer, "she is our first little girl".  Some people catch and ask, others don't.  I always hold my breath when I answer typically hoping they don't ask simply b/c then I have to give some details.  In some way, I feel like he's my special something that I don't always like to share with strangers.  Definitely a tough situation to be in.

Mkenzie - posted on 01/20/2009

I agree with everyone thus far.... we are the ones who live with our losses day in and day out.  My philosophy has been and will continue to be, that I am an open book, open to any questions, but if you ask the question, be prepared for the answer.  I am now pregnant with #4.  I have one daughter here with me(#2) and 2 boys waiting in heaven(#1 & #3).  I used to feel like I had to protect others' feelings, while jeapordizing my own.  And then I realized that it wasn't worth sparing other people (mainly strangers, since those whom know me, knew about my pregnancies and losses as they occirred.)  over sparing myself.  And I too agree that we need to educate the rest of the population... October is not just Breast cancer Awareness Month... it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month as well... and while it may be hard for others to swallow, again, we live with it day in and day out.  And personally, I learned a LOT from Eric & Cian, no matter how short lived their lives were.  They are still my sons, and nothing will ever change that.  Some days it is harder to go into than others, but if we can't be strong for our children's memories, who will be?  And isn't that how they live on?  In our memories?  And if we don't talk about our memories, how will they be remembered?  Just my opinion, of course.... =)

Vanessa - posted on 01/20/2009

We lost our baby girl Kaelynne in March 2005. Since then we have had 2 healthy babies. I to also have that problem with what do you say? I totally agree With you Colette, that I get a complete guilt when I say 2 because to me I worry about my baby thinking that she doesnt count or I have forgotten about her which is not the case. I have found just say how many kids you actually have ( in heaven or not) and if they want to ask questions thats fine. I have no problem talking about my daughters passing but I also don't want people to give that " Oh I'm so sorry and feel guilty for mentioning it" feeling. I found it especially hard when I was pregnant the last 2 times. Automatic response for people if they don't see you with kids is " is this your first?" and to mention no and go threw the process again makes it very uncomfortable. But when it comes down to it I have 3 beautiful kids girl boy girl and my youngest 2 are very lucky to have a special angel looking over them !!!

Lori - posted on 01/20/2009

I have a very hard time with this. If I know the person I will say I have 6,then have to go into it all. If I dont know them I say I have 4 then go through the day feeling horrible because I left 2 of my precious girls out.I love to talk about my girls,but I worry too much about making people feel uncomfortable. I have one really good friend that I had been friends with for over a year before she over heard me tell someone I had 2 little girls pass on. She accused me of Lying . I think it just took her by surprise too much.It all depends on what you feel is best. It is your own choice.

Molly - posted on 01/20/2009

It totally depends on the situation, who's asking and how I'm feeling that day.  Usually if it's just a stranger in passing or something, I'll say "Kyra (our daughter) is our firstborn and we have another daughter due in April" or "Kyra is one and we're pregnant with another girl."  (In our case, Kyra IS our firstBORN as we had one 2nd semester loss and one ectopic loss at 12 weeks.)  If I feel like sharing more, I'll say "We have four, a son and a daughter waiting for us in heaven, our daugher Kyra here and another daughter on the way." and if they want to know more they'll ask.  I don't worry about making other people feel uncomfortable though.. SO many people have lost babies and children and I think it's high time that our society GETS comfortable with the fact that parents who have lost children deserve to recognize the fact that their kids really did exist.

Peggi - posted on 01/20/2009

I  say we had 5 children & we have 3 still living but it depends on my mood.....sometimes I don't want to go there.  If I say we have 5, then you get what are their ages so I end up explaining it anyway. I have never been able to say we have 3. I also do not want to make someone uncomfortable for asking but I still love them both so much that I can't deny they were here. Like all of you, they are very important to us & still in our hearts & minds.

Kris - posted on 01/20/2009

Hi I'm new here. My son passed away 10 yrs ago and when I'm asked, I still say I have 7 children. No matter how I look at it, I have 7. It's a way of keeping his memory alive. I won't let him be forgotten.