When will it not hurt so much

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 09/10/2009

Losing a child is something you'll never get over. My little one passed Feb. 11, 2009. She was not even two. She was diagnosed with AML and fought for 11 long months. I always refect back and wonder what could've I done differently, but it doesn't change the outcome. I've said the same thing over and over, "I just want my baby back" and I am right there with you in pain. Some days are just unbarable but I have more ok days now. Still a day doesn't go by without tears and I find it so hard to sleep at night. What do I do? I try to focus on my two other girls and the baby that's growing inside me, but Karina is never far from my thoughts or heart. What comforts me is I feel her close to me, esp. those hard days. I am really considering counseling, perhaps it will help you as well. I pray for peace for all of us who have loss a little one.
God help us.

Susan - posted on 09/10/2009

My heart breaks for you Katie. Your story is way too close to mine. My 1st pg end in a miscarriage. My 2nd I was adamant that my due date was 2 weeks too late. My son died when his cord wrapped too tightly around his neck and he dropped to be delivered. Like you, I went to my last appt, only to find no heart beat. My coworker delivered a healthy son about 1 month later and the most healing thing I could do was go see her in the hospital and hold him. It hurt like no one can imagine, but it helped. Then, I went to a grief counselor. We knew we wanted kids, and wanted them soon, and everytime I found out I wasn't preg. that month, I got mad at all the moms of multiples and unmarried moms and teen moms who did drugs etc 'cause they could have healthy kids and I couldn't. The counselor helped me talk my way through it. Nearly 11 years later, I look at my older daughter and know that if her brother had lived, she would not have been born 13 months later. Katie, allow yourself to go through all the steps of grief, don't expect that you'll be able to just wake up one morning and be back to "normal", it takes time. You need to find what works for you, know that the dads don't do the grief thing like we do, and that's OK, too. My husband is one of those very strong & emotionally tough types, and I wondered why I never saw him grieve after the first month or so -- I found my answer when I found him sitting in our closet with the baby book, sobbing. He hadn't wanted me to think he was weak -- grief isn't weak. It's human.

If you don't think you can handle seeing the newborns, don't, if the moms know of your loss they certainly should understand that you can't visit. I went to see Michelle & Asher, because it felt like what I had to do. I also made a receiving blanket similar to the one I received from the hospital and donated it for the next family who had a loss. You're really early in the grief process, but it will get "easier" (lame word, but it hurts less and the grief lasts shorter periods of time) with time-- milestones might still hurt, certain songs, smells or other things will trigger memories. Just know that your Alexa is an angel, with all the other angel babies & that she is safe, healthy and just fine -- smiling down on you and hoping to see you smiling again. My husband's niece delivered a healthy boy less than 2 months after our loss, and I've watched Zach grow into an 11 year old, and wondered "what if my Jeff were still here?" "What if..." And then I realize that all the what if's in the world can't replace him (or your Alexa) and that somehow we just have to find our way back to our lives and as close to normal as we can. Make sure you communicate with your husband, many families w/ a loss of a child also end up in divorce, unless you can reconnect as a couple and move through the grief process together (albeit differently -- I went to 10 or 12 counselor sessions, my husband to 2). I wish you health and healing. It is hard, it is not fair, but it is our reality. You'll be in my thoughts.