Why can't people just understand?

Anna - posted on 10/01/2009

Yes, thank goodness for the opportunity to voice our thoughts on the net and not have people look away because they are uncomfortable with the raw pain they see in our eyes. I have a friend who lost her son years before my loss and she saved my sanity in those early months. I wouldn't wish for life at all cost and I am happy knowing that one day I will see her again. Life goes on, just differently.

Shawna - posted on 10/01/2009

Anna,
I also wonder if I will be able to be around situations that I have a panic attack over. I am slowly, very slowly, working on my avoidance. I have been attending a support group for people that have lost children and that is helpful and my mother & I are making outfits for babies in the NICU that have passed away that are to small for the clothes they have. Our little MacKenzie was only 1 pd 4 ounces and they had nothing to fit her and that was very disheartening. My husband & I have also been asked to speak at a newly opened hospital in regards to what nurses in the NICU can do better. Like I said, we are slowly trying to grieve but once you grieve over one baby..we were thrown the blow with MacKenzie. I think everyone definitely grieves differently and in different ways. I tend to like my girls things and remind me of them, while my husband wants everything put away. The waves of grief come & go and slowly you start to see the sun shining again. I am very sorry for your loss. I have found that support groups online are very helpful. I actually have a group of 4 women who have lost children who I would consider my best friends because they can semi-relate to what we went through. None of them had a baby live but they all understand the grieving process.

Anna - posted on 10/01/2009

Shawna, your losses are a real tragedy. I really feel for you. I am almost five years down the track and I still avoid some situations. At times I wonder whether the day will ever come when I can be around the situations that make me feel panicked. Everyones loss is different, as is their way of living with the pain. I hope that one day, you will be able to smile and feel happiness again. I always thought God chooses the strong Mum's to cope with the loss of babies or children, yet years later, I now know that strength seems to slowly ebb away, for a time, lost in grief.

Shawna - posted on 09/30/2009

Mary,
I can feel your pain in what you just wrote. I have lost 2 beautiful little girls..one when I was 19 weeks pregnant and our second was born at 24 weeks and lived for 9 days. We lost Allyssa in 2005 and MacKenzie in 2008. People will never understand what you are going through unless they have been there themselves. I have learned the hard way. I am still not to the point where I can hold a baby, I avoid them if I can. That may sound harsh, however, it is to protect my heart. My sister had a baby 19 days before MacKenzie and I have forced myself to be around her. I do feel guilty for not feeling the happiness that others feel for their children. Losing two babies puts life into a completely different perspective and I know I will never be the person I once was. I was a social worker, I was a kind, compassionate person. Now, it's all fake. Yes, I do love my family and my husband. Do I feel happiness at Christmas..No. Do I feel happiness on any holiday..No. I am a mom without my two children. How can people expect us to be happy. We are told to get over it and move on. Impossible. I have lost friends, I have pushed people away to protect myself.
What you are feeling, writing, everything is perfectly normal. Nobody should have to endure the loss of a child, at any age for any reason.
I will keep you in my thoughts~
Shawna

Elizabeth - posted on 09/28/2009

My son, Braeden Alexander Cash, died three hours after he was born at 23weeks6days, they tried to help him but his lungs would not expand and he died in our arms after everyone in our immediate family got to hold him. I still cry for him and i still ache and i still feel hopeless even though it will be four years this feb but with the help of my daughter, born almost a year to the day after braeden died i now have something to look forward to and something to keep me going in the morning, the feelings never go away you just have to find something that gives you purpose, I help with the march of dimes and try to donate preemie clothes to the NICU as my daughter Jocelynn was a 31 weeker and spent 3 1/2 weeks there... find something that gives you motivations and drive and take all that pain and all those feeling and use them to help you get through the day, you will never be able to move on, your baby was there, was yours, for however short of time, it will also help when you can start talking about it outloud, I could not for almost three years, everytime it would come up inconversation i would get a dear in headlight look and have a panic attack and my poor strong husband would have to take people aside to explain but now that I found my voice again my days move by quicker and when i see baby boys now i don't panic but enjoy them and look forward to one day having another baby boy

Casey - posted on 09/27/2009

i know exactly how you feel . the only people that can understand are the people who have lost their babies as well. no one can imagine the pain. and you will never ever be the same person.

Marisol - posted on 09/26/2009

I have to say its something that you will never forget, it has been over two years for me since my 9 month old has gone to heaven...i look up to you because i thought that i was the only one who felt that way and now i am glad to know i am not th only one.

may our Angel's Rest in peace.

Iris - posted on 09/26/2009

I think that I feel your pain. In 2003 I was pregnant. I had fibroids in my uterus and my doctor told me that I would be high risk until I was 5 months. I was so excited when I hit my fifth month. I already knew it was a boy but i hadn't bought anything yet, just in case. On December 8, 2003 I had my doctor's appointment and I was feeling really good. I decided that that day after my appointment I would go shopping for him. When she did my sonogram - there was no heart beat. She didn't say anything at first, then she said she can't find the heartbeat. I instantly began throwing up. That was my horrible experience. I still feel bad when I think of it and I didn't get a chance to hold him. I just want you to know u are not alone in your feelings. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I just wanted to be alone and everyone's "thoughful suggestions" aggravated me. But at some point you will get up and move forward. You are a woman and we are strong. I never got a chance to see or hold my baby and for years I felt cheated. Please at least have some even if it's a tiny bit of comfort knowing you had a chance to hold her and smell her. Nothing will ever make you forget, but u are in my prayers. Be safe.

Anna - posted on 09/25/2009

They don't understand, keep telling yourself that or it will really get to you.You wonder whether there are any tears left to cry and if you will ever stop crying. It does get a bit easier. Time makes us busier and some times their memory might not be there for hours, then days, then sometimes weeks at a time. They're kept in a special place in our hearts that no-one can touch. It is a lonely journey if you don't know others that have been through the same experience. I lost one of my twin girls because of complications associated with twin to twin transfusion. They were delivered at 26 weeks, 5 days. I didn't know anything was wrong until the 20 week scan and my midwife told me that she didn't think there was anything humanly possible to save them. We had 5 different doctors telling us to seriously consider termination. They weren't expected to live to N.Z's minimum age of 24 weeks. At 24 weeks, twin two wasn't big enough to be viable, still only 300 grams. I was told that as her growth was under the 10th centile, she wouldn't get there. 26 weeks she was over 500grams. I was asked if I wanted the doctors to resuscitate, at the time I thought that all the Mum's of high risk prems were asked that, but not so. I'd had two amnio drains and was told they weren't viable for the laser surgery as they were too sick. Jessica and Gracia were born January 26th 2005. Jessica lived 26 hours, the doctors did absolutely all they could. I now know she would of had huge medical problems if she had of survived. We are very lucky that she lived as long as she did. On the day of Jessica's funeral, I was told Gracie had congenital heart disease and the doctors didn't think they could do anything for it. They decided to give it a shot and after 4 months in hospital, being resuscitated twice, 2 heart surgeries, she is now a happy, active almost five year old beautiful girl. The birthdays are a very hard time and seeing other identical twin girls is almost too much for me. My grief is my own and that is something that got me through the months of frustration at other's not getting it.

Rose-lynn - posted on 09/23/2009

you kown it's right you would like to see your child i kown out there friend's don't kown what is like to lose a child and you wish you can look back but you feel the blame for it that what i am into that point now my daughter was 2 and she had a hard life with a new heart and i feel that it was a wrong thing to do because she is not here it feel that i am in blame for not helping her out to tell them that she in pain but i did all of that but it feel 's like i did't i was a care giver to her but i give love to her and cry my eye's out it is a hard thing to good tough that i kown it will be a year on oct 12 /2009

so don;t blame your self it;s life hope you get better rip little one

\

Elizabeth - posted on 09/15/2009

I lost my son on march of 2007!! I remember going to the hospital because i thought i was going into premature labor, I woke up a couple days later asking for my son and they had to tell me that he had passed and that i almost did as well. Come to find out my little angel was absolutly perfect it was me who had the problem. I blamed myself everyday for so long .I felt that exact same way you do for a really long time, I was nothing like i used to be and people would avoid being around me because they could not handle that. On the first anniversary of his death i completely lost it and started to go see my therepist again, i prayed everyday that i would again get pregnant and everything would go well this time, and when i actually did in may 08 i was a nervous wreck. I truley believe that my daughter was sent by her brother to help me heal, and give me something to live for. Its funny because when i was pregnant with my son i was given a bear and i used to call it micheal's bear, when he passed i slept with this bear everyday until my daughter was born. I then put the outfit Micheals was supposed to wear home on the bear and put it in my daughters crib, from the time she was little she would just look at it and now at almost nine months she carries it every wear and talks to sleeps with it everything. Micheal is our gaurdian Angel that guides us each and everyday until we meet again.I still dream of my son and no one will ever replace him, but i have got to be here for my daughter. I still have his pictures up and his urn out, I talk to him everyday and just pray to him to help mommy get stronger. Here is a poem i received





Mommies Little one



When

God calls little children

to dwell with him above,

We mortals sometimes question

the wisdom of his love

For no heartache compares with

the death of one small child

who does so much to make our world

seem wonderful and mild

Perhaps god gets tired of calling

the aged to his fold

so he picks a rosebud

before it grows old

God knows how much we need them

and so he takes but a few

to make the land of heaven

more beautiful to view

Believing this is difficult

still somehow we must try

the saddest word mankind knows

will always be goodbye

so when a little child departs

we who are left behind

Must realize god loves children

Angels are hard to find!!!





To everyone that reads stay strong and don't let anyone make you feel different. Do whatever it is you have to do to deal with your grief. No one will ever understand unless they too have went through this tragic experience. God Bless you all!!!

Ashley - posted on 09/15/2009

i too know how u feel i lost my daughter 3 months ago...stillborn....because the dr decided it wasn't worth risking her twin to save her... Her twin was born shortly after anyways due to more complications and is perfect today ...born at 32 wks and was only in NICU for 4 weeks just to gain weight and start to keep her body heat up.

i still feel like i'm dying inside and i will NEVER EVER forget the moment they told me ...it felt like i'd been hit across the chest with a baseball bat and everything went black...i couldn't breathe and i felt like my lungs were collapsing....and on that day i truly believe apart of me died of a broken heart!!

Carmen - posted on 09/15/2009

All your words have said how I have been feeling for the last nearly 8 months. Losing my daughter has been one of the hardest things to bear and make it through. I have friends who have all had successful pregnancies and I am the first one to experience such a loss, they try to understand but well you cant unless it has happened to you. What you have written is what I have been feeling! You never get over such a loss it just gets easier in time to get through the day and live with. It is now part of you and is part of what makes you who you are now. The thoughts that I have clung too is that my mum and nephew (who passed 2 & 3 years before) are up there looking after her and she is being taken care of. My family has 3 angels watching over them and looking out for them, who we will see again. It is such thoughts that help me get through the days. One of my friends said to me that you just have to do whatever you need to to get through the day and well that is one of mine. xo

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 09/10/2009

I know the pain of having to decide to just let go. It was the first time my husband and I left her alone, we rushed home to shower. On the way home I yelled at God and asked why are you making me decide this, why can't you just take her. Clearly I heard him say "I have to make this decision too many times to mention". It's not fair! The whole time I held her I kept saying I'm so sorry baby please forgive me. I remember she just warmed up in my arms. She hadn't been able to keep her body temp. and was always too cool. She just warmed up from her head to her toes and I layed her down so she could be inbetween my husband and I, like she use to sleep when she was home. I still feel guilty and so angry with God why couldn't she be a miracle healing? I'm pregnant and people just automaticly think I should be esstatic. Don't ge me wrong, I love this child inside, more than anyone knows, but this baby does NOT replace my little Karina. So much suffering, so much and for what? No one gets it. I'm so glad I found this, I'm not alone. I read Jillian's post twice, somehow I find it comforting. I don't know if I've helped but I just want you to know you're not alone. God be with us all.

Dolores Or Just DeeDee - posted on 09/10/2009

I understand. I want to just curl up and lie next to her like I did for so many months in the hospital. People think you should just get over it and move on. They don't get it. You are not the same person anymore. It feels like a big part of me died with her. I wish also that I could just be taken to hold her, smell her and hear her call me mama again. To feel her sweet arms wrap around me and pat me on the back just like she use to. I have other children and I have to be here for them, but my heart is so broken. I fee so torn. I talk to her and it helps. I feel her with me and some day I will be able to think of her and not cry, but smile. I too am tired, so tired. But I get out of bed everyday and I take one step at a time. I maybe only going through the motions right now, but I pray I find peace like my sweet little one did. You're not alone and talking seems to help me. I've decided to seek counling, perhaps you should also.

Cynthia - posted on 09/10/2009

Brenda- I can't imagine the pain you must feel. In the past 2 years I have had 3 freinds loose their kids. 1 in a motorcylce accident, 1 in a car rollover in the interstate and 1 on a rural country road late at night.. they all died at the scene they were all 17! The ONE thing that we all agree on is that only our Lord can get you through this..one of these children I mentioned was our pastor's son! The Pain is excruciating but without Faith and Hope it would be unbearable. Do you believe your son is in Heaven? Do you believe that is a much better place than this earth? Wouldn't you rather join him there? He's watching over you now and asking God to help you.. but it's hard for God to help with you pushing him away..I lost a son too, in Nov 2007! I miss him but I can move forward knowing I WILL see him and hold him again in Heaven. I pray to God for his Love and Mercy...his forgiveness for ever doubting the plan he has for me...
Sure we get our moments.. I cry.. it's coming on 2 years soon..and I cry all the time..it's tough...Press Forward...Your son lives...he is alive in Heaven..waiting for you... he is in Eternity...

Cynthia - posted on 09/10/2009

I lost my son on November 15, 2007. I know exactly how you feel! His funeral was the day after Thanksgiving..I stayed in my room that day and cried while the family ate and watched football...I know they're are hurting too but it's not the same! We carried them, we felt them grow in us, we anticipated their arrival. My child was stillborn.. a week after his due date..had he been delivered ON his due date he would be here today!!! Needless to say, I don't beleive in letting the child come on his own time, especially when the child is 9.5 lbs!! Mary, I understand your pain, I can't say I KNOW how you feel because everyone greives differently but the loss is the same... I'm glad we have this website to talk to each other and you know you're not the only one going through this...I'm sorry for your loss! Our goal now is to make sure we get to where our babies are right now.. this world is full of sin and war and disease I don't want my baby to suffer.. I will see him again one day, I know it! I will patiently wait and be faithful to the Lord to ensure I will hold him again.. That will be such a joyous day..I can't even imagine how wonderful it will be... when I close my eyes and take my last breath he will walk up to me and say " Mommy"...:-)

Linda - posted on 09/08/2009

Give yourself time. Everyone heals at a different rate. I had 11 children, 7 boys and 4 girls. 3 of my sons and 2 of my daughters died at or after birth from prematurity. I thought I would never be happy again. At one time, I had 2 living children and 5 dead and I was like you. Wanted to be with them again, not suicidal, just wanting them around so much. If you have a religion, turn to your Maker. I did, and I got through it because of my faith. Unless someone goes through something like this they can't understand. But they try. Help them to help you by being honest and open with them. Don't ever forget your baby. She will always be a part of you and it's ok to talk about her. I kept mine part of my family's life. My children all knew about them and now I can help them in their times of struggle with fertility issues, miscarriages, etc. because they know I understand. You will heal if you don't allow yourself to become bitter. As time goes on, the pain dulls and life is bearable again. Best wishes!

Amy - posted on 09/08/2009

I had recently had gotten an usual gift from a friend it was quite different but the mom who had gave him the idea of the gift was a baby blanket that you can hold and cry into and let go and knowing it all happens for a reason, but I do understand it is hard to breakdown a cry for the child that you have lost and try keep her memory alive in your heart at all times.

Jackie - posted on 09/05/2009

Quoting jackie:

Quoting Jillian:

You hurt this much because you loved that much. I believe the pain is in direct proportion to the love you feel. The nature of the pain changes though it does take time. No-one can put a limit on the amount of time. the only thing I am certain of, it does change.

I lost two girls. Seventeen years ago, I lost a nineteen year old daughter and nine years ago I lost a little girl a few weeks before she was due to be born. When I lost my oldest, I thought I'd never recover. I went through so many emotions, sometimes shock, sometimes numbness, sometimes a pain so strong I felt as if my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Sometimes I felt as though time had stopped, at other times I wanted to die. I thought about her all the time, blamed myself, blamed my husband, blamed her and felt as if I was losing my mind. My poor husband couldn't help me. He was hurting himself and he felt powerless. He sometimes felt sad, for himself and for me. At other times he was resentful. He wanted me to snap out of it. He didn't know how to help me. I thought I'd gone mad and that I'd never recover.

It was slow but it did happen. Sometimes I felt as though I was a drowning person. Occasionally, I'd come up for air and (surprise), I'd feel okay. Then, down I'd go again as if it had only happened yesterday. I wondered when, or if I'd ever become a functional human being again.

People thought they were helping me by not talking about her. I wanted her alive. I wanted to talk about her, even though talking about her always made me cry but family and friends, thinking no doubt, that they were helping me, went out of their way not to mention her. I didn't talk to them about her because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. We live in a society that is uncomfortable, even afraid of sadness and grief and most people try to help you by "cheering you up".

The problem with that is, they can't cheer you up but their attempts to do so, and their desire to see you "get over it" as soon as possible can make you feel crazy and lonely. No-one means to do this to you, they are dealing with their own issues and don't know how to help you.

Here's the thing, grieving is a process and you just have to go through it to get to the other side... and there is another side. Sometimes you'll be calm and you'll think you've got over it. Then you'll find you're in pain again. I think that's your brain and maybe your heart, giving you a break. You have to give in to the process and you'll see it will change. You'll deal with different things at different stages. Maybe denial, perhaps anger, often guilt but eventually the painful times will get further and further apart and you'll notice yourself focussing more and more on the outside world and less and less on your own inner universe. Other people's problems start to feel more important than your own. Another thing that happened to me was that I started to remember my daughter with fondness rather than with pain. More and more I remembered the good stuff, the jokes, her eyes, the adventures we shared, how much I loved her name and how it suited her...

When I lost the baby, I felt resentful because I'd never even seen her with her eyes open but I'd been through it all before and I knew what to expect. I didn't look forward to it but I gave myself permission to grieve in my own way and curled up in a ball on my bed. This time I didn't feel guilty, or scared. I knew what I had to do. I ignored anyone who seemed to be saying that I should be getting over it, or how long that would take. I knew it would sort itself out and trusted the process.

My husband apologised to me because he'd never met our daughter. He said "I'm not sad like you. I didn't know her."

I knew that was true. I used to wake up in the morning and feel her stretch in my tummy and he'd never had that. For me, meeting her was just a formality. I already knew a lot about her. I accepted that he didn't. This time I didn't feel angry with him and he tried not to pressure me about how long it took to "get over it".

I knew I was re-surfacing when I saw a young girl as I was walking down the street one day. She was about the same age my youngest would have been if she'd survived and I felt happy. I felt happy because life can be perilous and short and that little soul had survived.

Those of us who've experienced this know there are no guarantees. Life may be long or short, but eventually I got to be grateful for the oh-so-short lives of my little girls. Glad to have met them and loved them for the time I got.

Sometimes, I still cry. Like now, when I'm writing this but it no longer dominates my life. I laugh with my family. I treasure the people I have and I'm less inclined to be cranky about trivial things. I'm me again but different. Not worse, just different.

If I'm crazy, it's an okay crazy and my life has meaning and joy. It just takes time. However long it takes... trust the process. There's no time limit.

 

Jackie - posted on 09/05/2009

Quoting Jillian:

You hurt this much because you loved that much. I believe the pain is in direct proportion to the love you feel. The nature of the pain changes though it does take time. No-one can put a limit on the amount of time. the only thing I am certain of, it does change.

I lost two girls. Seventeen years ago, I lost a nineteen year old daughter and nine years ago I lost a little girl a few weeks before she was due to be born. When I lost my oldest, I thought I'd never recover. I went through so many emotions, sometimes shock, sometimes numbness, sometimes a pain so strong I felt as if my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Sometimes I felt as though time had stopped, at other times I wanted to die. I thought about her all the time, blamed myself, blamed my husband, blamed her and felt as if I was losing my mind. My poor husband couldn't help me. He was hurting himself and he felt powerless. He sometimes felt sad, for himself and for me. At other times he was resentful. He wanted me to snap out of it. He didn't know how to help me. I thought I'd gone mad and that I'd never recover.

It was slow but it did happen. Sometimes I felt as though I was a drowning person. Occasionally, I'd come up for air and (surprise), I'd feel okay. Then, down I'd go again as if it had only happened yesterday. I wondered when, or if I'd ever become a functional human being again.

People thought they were helping me by not talking about her. I wanted her alive. I wanted to talk about her, even though talking about her always made me cry but family and friends, thinking no doubt, that they were helping me, went out of their way not to mention her. I didn't talk to them about her because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. We live in a society that is uncomfortable, even afraid of sadness and grief and most people try to help you by "cheering you up".

The problem with that is, they can't cheer you up but their attempts to do so, and their desire to see you "get over it" as soon as possible can make you feel crazy and lonely. No-one means to do this to you, they are dealing with their own issues and don't know how to help you.

Here's the thing, grieving is a process and you just have to go through it to get to the other side... and there is another side. Sometimes you'll be calm and you'll think you've got over it. Then you'll find you're in pain again. I think that's your brain and maybe your heart, giving you a break. You have to give in to the process and you'll see it will change. You'll deal with different things at different stages. Maybe denial, perhaps anger, often guilt but eventually the painful times will get further and further apart and you'll notice yourself focussing more and more on the outside world and less and less on your own inner universe. Other people's problems start to feel more important than your own. Another thing that happened to me was that I started to remember my daughter with fondness rather than with pain. More and more I remembered the good stuff, the jokes, her eyes, the adventures we shared, how much I loved her name and how it suited her...

When I lost the baby, I felt resentful because I'd never even seen her with her eyes open but I'd been through it all before and I knew what to expect. I didn't look forward to it but I gave myself permission to grieve in my own way and curled up in a ball on my bed. This time I didn't feel guilty, or scared. I knew what I had to do. I ignored anyone who seemed to be saying that I should be getting over it, or how long that would take. I knew it would sort itself out and trusted the process.

My husband apologised to me because he'd never met our daughter. He said "I'm not sad like you. I didn't know her."

I knew that was true. I used to wake up in the morning and feel her stretch in my tummy and he'd never had that. For me, meeting her was just a formality. I already knew a lot about her. I accepted that he didn't. This time I didn't feel angry with him and he tried not to pressure me about how long it took to "get over it".

I knew I was re-surfacing when I saw a young girl as I was walking down the street one day. She was about the same age my youngest would have been if she'd survived and I felt happy. I felt happy because life can be perilous and short and that little soul had survived.

Those of us who've experienced this know there are no guarantees. Life may be long or short, but eventually I got to be grateful for the oh-so-short lives of my little girls. Glad to have met them and loved them for the time I got.

Sometimes, I still cry. Like now, when I'm writing this but it no longer dominates my life. I laugh with my family. I treasure the people I have and I'm less inclined to be cranky about trivial things. I'm me again but different. Not worse, just different.

If I'm crazy, it's an okay crazy and my life has meaning and joy. It just takes time. However long it takes... trust the process. There's no time limit.

Fern - posted on 09/05/2009

It does start to get easier and you start to find a way to accept what has happened. Not that you ever stop missing your child(ren), just that you find a way to cope with it. It does sound like you are either depressed or that you have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and that you need some professional help to get through this difficult time. There is no shame in asking for help and it sure sounds like you could use some help. When you can't function, you don't sleep like normal, and/or your appetite is not normal you probably are suffering with postpartum depression. If you are having flashbacks of the really bad days and your daughter's death, then you are probably suffering from PTSD. Call your OB and tell him/her that you need a referal to a grief counselor and preferably with one who is familiar with postpartum depression and PTSD in women who have lost babies. My heart goes out to you. I lost 4 babies, but I have also been blessed with living children as well. I do think that when you have children that it helps you to push past the pain and start finding ways to get through the really bad days, because you feel you have to do it for them. When you haven't had a living child (except the one you lost) then its really hard to keep going. I am here if you want to talk! Hugs, Fern

Maria - posted on 09/05/2009

I know how you feel. I had lost my son 9 years ago and still hard till this day. Every year, birthday and anniversary is always the hardest. People will never understand until they experience it themselves. I cope by going to church, light up candles and looking at my son's memory box. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to deal with this. Always remember that you will see your baby someday when GOD tells you its time to join your baby. I always tell my boys that GOD picked their brother as a guardian angel for them. It makes my kids happy knowing that somebody is always looking out for them.

KAREN - posted on 09/04/2009

Mary,

How wonderfully articulate you are. You must have summed up every mothers feeling after their loss. I too lost a daughter 2 years ago to Stillbirth and even now, get angry and upset over her loss. I remember clearly being driven to her funeral, looking out of the window and wondering how people can carry on with their lives, walking the dog, laughing, shopping, when my world had ended. The only way I am dealing with it is to now seek counselling because the emotions take over my life and affect my hubby and children. I do not like the person I become because I cannot accept her loss, counselling will help me come to term with her death and my guilt, even though I know it could not have been prevented. Hope this helps.xx

McKenzie - posted on 09/04/2009

wow you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the same way, I lost my sweet angel Cloe in January 2009. I have trouble everyday with people moving on and how they don't realize what a shell of a person that I am now. I have to fight the depression every day but I too know that my baby is in heaven and that I will see her again. I just have to keep telling myself that she wouldn't want me to be sad.

Vickie - posted on 09/04/2009

oh babes, you spoke like a true mum.......nothing anyone can say will ever take this feeling away its yours for keeps sorry.....But for the sake of your little girl you keep going keep trudging and keep her memory alive.And do what you came to this place to do.just a better person for having loved and lost its true "Its better to have loved and lost than never had the chance to have loved at all.

LETICIA - posted on 09/04/2009

U NEVER GET OVER IT BUT IT DOES GET EASIER... MY SON PASSED IN 2004 FROM SIDS...N SINCE THEN I HAVE HAD ANOTHER SON IN 2007 HIS BIRTH REALLY HELPED ME TO HAVE PEACE THE FUNNY THING IS THAT WHEN HE WAS A BABY I THOUGHT I WOULD BE SCARED AND OVER PROTECTIVE N I WAS NOT I WAS TOTALLY CALM... I MISS MY SON WHO WOULD BE 6 IN JAN I OFTEN WONDER WHAT HE WOULD LOOK LIKE HOW HE WOULD CALL ME MOMMY WOULD HE BE WELL BEHAVED OR A REBEL... WOULD HE BE A FUNNY GUY OR SERIOUS PERSON... THINGS CROSS MY MINE I FIND MYSELF CRYING SOMETIMES BUT I HAVE LEARNED ALOT... OUR TIME HERE IS NOT PROMISED WE CANT TAKE LIFE FOR GRANTED N SO INSTEAD OF WALKING AROUND WITH MY HEAD DOWN I ENJOY MY 2 BOYS THAT I HAVE! I WORK OVERNIGHT JUST SO I CAN BE HOME WITH THEM ALLDAY!.... SO MY WORDS TO YOU DEAR IS THAT EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS N EVEN THOUGH ITS HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAPPENS TO US... WE MUST KNOW THAT WE DONT GIVE LIFE GOD DOES AND THAT IT IS HIS CHOICE TO TAKE IT BACK... WE MUST KNOW THAT HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US AND HE WOULDNT DO ANYTHING THAT WE COULDNT HANDLE... EVEN THOUGH IT SEEMS LIKE HE IS PUNISHING US OR HE HATES US BECAUSE HE TOOK OUR CHILDREN THE FACT IS HE LOVES US AND KNOWS THAT HE HAS BETTER PLANS WITH OUR LIL ANGELS AND ONLY HE KNOWS WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED IF HE ALLOWED THEM TO STAY WITH US... TRUST IN HIM AND KNOW THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES YOU WILL GET YOUR PEACE... YOU WILL GET THE REVELATION OF WHY IT HAPPENED... DEAR KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP YOUR FAITH! GOD BLESS!

Brenda - posted on 09/03/2009

It has been one year one month and one day since the higway patrol showed up at my house to let me know that my son had been in an accident and didn't make it. Ever since then I have tried to go on mostly beacuse I have 2 other children that need me, but I found myself not being able to go to work and I lost my job. Everyday is a struggle for me to get out of bed, do the household chores, cook dinner, etc... People tell me I will get over it yet I don't see that happening. I now find myself going to do the grocery shopping in the middle of the night so I don't have to see anyone. I have quit going to Church as he was very well loved there. I am mad at God for taking away my oldest son at the tender age of 17. He was early entry to college and was doing an internship with the Indian Police Dept to pay his tution. At his funeral there were over 300 people and that didn't include our family. He was suppose to graduate this past May with honors and had just received a full 4 year scholorship to the college that he wanted to attend (which was my almamater's arch rival) But he was happy and excited about going. Right now I am living minute by minute because I can't seem to function any other way right now. Please pray for me. I am not suicidal, but I can't seem to function as I should. My husband doesn't understand as he was not around my son until he was 15 so he only had 2 years with him and was really starting to bond with him. I would have to describe this as a trip to hell that one never returns from and I would not wish it on anyone. But should it happen to you remember there is no time limit on greif. Thanks for listening (reading). Brenda

Penny - posted on 09/03/2009

Our first baby was a boy (Brandon) he lived at strong hospital for 13days. My husband and his family said we need to put a DNR on him. Ask messed up as I was I didn't know what that was. But when We came in on the 10th day they told my husband the brought him back he got mad and said we put the DNR. At that time I was by Brandon bed side and just heard some of that. Then the doctors said he will not get any better he will get worse. So on the 12th day we took Brandon off everything and I held him until he went to see Jesus. Before he left he look at me for the first time with big eyes and smiled Like to say it was ok that he was going were there were no more pain then he left. On September 5th it will be 12 years he will have been in heaven. His Birthday is August 23,1997. Death off any family member old or young is hard. God bless all we will see our angles in haven some day..

Jessica - posted on 09/03/2009

i believe your choice to let her go peacefully was very brave and unselfish. i make a tough choice.

Olga - posted on 09/02/2009

Oh! my God Mary, Everything you said is exactly what im feeling and thinking.. My son Angel passed away 9 months ago and sometimes i feel like he needs me and i should go with him, but like you said i would never take away the chance of being with him . He was only 4 years old and In august he would have been 5 yrs old, this was the hardest day.. He passed away on my birthday and i dont know how this first anniversary will be.. I wish i had a magic wand that made things different, I lost all conection with God and I dont want to see anyone... I get up in the morning only because i have 2 other kids that need me. they are teenagers and i dont feel that connection like the one i had with my angel... Let me know if you find a way to deal with it without going crazy. Thank you for writing what was on my mind, it feels like if you knew me and knew what i was feeling and thinking.. I guess we are all connected ...

Jillian - posted on 09/02/2009

You hurt this much because you loved that much. I believe the pain is in direct proportion to the love you feel. The nature of the pain changes though it does take time. No-one can put a limit on the amount of time. the only thing I am certain of, it does change.

I lost two girls. Seventeen years ago, I lost a nineteen year old daughter and nine years ago I lost a little girl a few weeks before she was due to be born. When I lost my oldest, I thought I'd never recover. I went through so many emotions, sometimes shock, sometimes numbness, sometimes a pain so strong I felt as if my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Sometimes I felt as though time had stopped, at other times I wanted to die. I thought about her all the time, blamed myself, blamed my husband, blamed her and felt as if I was losing my mind. My poor husband couldn't help me. He was hurting himself and he felt powerless. He sometimes felt sad, for himself and for me. At other times he was resentful. He wanted me to snap out of it. He didn't know how to help me. I thought I'd gone mad and that I'd never recover.

It was slow but it did happen. Sometimes I felt as though I was a drowning person. Occasionally, I'd come up for air and (surprise), I'd feel okay. Then, down I'd go again as if it had only happened yesterday. I wondered when, or if I'd ever become a functional human being again.

People thought they were helping me by not talking about her. I wanted her alive. I wanted to talk about her, even though talking about her always made me cry but family and friends, thinking no doubt, that they were helping me, went out of their way not to mention her. I didn't talk to them about her because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. We live in a society that is uncomfortable, even afraid of sadness and grief and most people try to help you by "cheering you up".

The problem with that is, they can't cheer you up but their attempts to do so, and their desire to see you "get over it" as soon as possible can make you feel crazy and lonely. No-one means to do this to you, they are dealing with their own issues and don't know how to help you.

Here's the thing, grieving is a process and you just have to go through it to get to the other side... and there is another side. Sometimes you'll be calm and you'll think you've got over it. Then you'll find you're in pain again. I think that's your brain and maybe your heart, giving you a break. You have to give in to the process and you'll see it will change. You'll deal with different things at different stages. Maybe denial, perhaps anger, often guilt but eventually the painful times will get further and further apart and you'll notice yourself focussing more and more on the outside world and less and less on your own inner universe. Other people's problems start to feel more important than your own. Another thing that happened to me was that I started to remember my daughter with fondness rather than with pain. More and more I remembered the good stuff, the jokes, her eyes, the adventures we shared, how much I loved her name and how it suited her...

When I lost the baby, I felt resentful because I'd never even seen her with her eyes open but I'd been through it all before and I knew what to expect. I didn't look forward to it but I gave myself permission to grieve in my own way and curled up in a ball on my bed. This time I didn't feel guilty, or scared. I knew what I had to do. I ignored anyone who seemed to be saying that I should be getting over it, or how long that would take. I knew it would sort itself out and trusted the process.

My husband apologised to me because he'd never met our daughter. He said "I'm not sad like you. I didn't know her."

I knew that was true. I used to wake up in the morning and feel her stretch in my tummy and he'd never had that. For me, meeting her was just a formality. I already knew a lot about her. I accepted that he didn't. This time I didn't feel angry with him and he tried not to pressure me about how long it took to "get over it".

I knew I was re-surfacing when I saw a young girl as I was walking down the street one day. She was about the same age my youngest would have been if she'd survived and I felt happy. I felt happy because life can be perilous and short and that little soul had survived.

Those of us who've experienced this know there are no guarantees. Life may be long or short, but eventually I got to be grateful for the oh-so-short lives of my little girls. Glad to have met them and loved them for the time I got.

Sometimes, I still cry. Like now, when I'm writing this but it no longer dominates my life. I laugh with my family. I treasure the people I have and I'm less inclined to be cranky about trivial things. I'm me again but different. Not worse, just different.

If I'm crazy, it's an okay crazy and my life has meaning and joy. It just takes time. However long it takes... trust the process. There's no time limit.

Andrea - posted on 09/02/2009

Dear Sweet Mary .... I completely understand, It has been ten years sine my Jacob left me here, and at times it feels like a punishment, wondering what the hell did I do to deserve this. It still hits home daily, I started crying when I read your post... I soooo get where your coming from. We're an elite group of people, that were selected to take care of an angel personally. I learned so many things before he passed ... patience, understanding and unconditional love.. those are the qualities that he gifted to me, and I carry them proudly every day. And honor my dear sweet boy every second of every moment and will do so for the rest of my life. The turmoil you feel is natural... keep your head up. And remember we'll all be together one day soon .. take care.

Jodie - posted on 09/02/2009

Hi Mary



My name is jodi and i am a true survivor of pain my daughters were born prem 2 months early but unfortunately my little angel emily didnt make it, they were born early due to a rare syndrome ttts trap syndrome. Its been 2 years for me now and i know exactly how you feel i live it every day i am fortunate to have a 6 year old son and olivia which is emilys identical twin sister. I still find my self every day thinking of her the pain feels like it is getting worse as time goes on i thought it was supposed to get better, i am a part of an organisation called Miracle Babies it is run by a group of premmie mums that have endured what many of us have been through premmie and passing they have helped me alot they are an amazing bunch of ladies they are always there for help i live day by day thinking of her dont ever lose sight mary she is always around you, i always sayi will never get over it you we never will we just have to keep going.



Jodi

Jessica - posted on 09/02/2009

1st thing first, im sorry for your loss, i loss my daughter 8wks ago and wish it was just a horrible dream. im not sure if you are keeping a journal but it has helped me alot. try to stop "feeling over it" because you will never be. dealing with the loss is healthy than trying to forget. it ok to be in a hole and people will never understand until it happens to them. you have a angel in heaven looking over you and try to think how she would want you to live your life. you may also want to join a group to vent out to. my event is still very fresh but i try to believe ill be blessed in time because of my loss.

Mary - posted on 09/02/2009

I really appreciate all of you ladies. It's nice to know someone understands... I just feel horrible and blame myself for her passing... I was given a choice from the doctors to take my Hope off of the ventilator because she was going through kidney and liver failure... They were telling me she would be dead very soon and I didn't want her to suffer anymore... she never lived a day without a needle or medicine, so my x and I decided that we would take her off... I didn't want her to die alone in that hospital bed... I wanted her to go to heaven from my arms.. and that I regret every day... What if she would have been fine.... I took away that chance to have her... I just didn't want to be selfish and let her stay her just for me... I wanted God to make the decision and he took her...

Brooke - posted on 09/01/2009

My daughter just passed away recently and i used to thank the same thing. I always thought...why would i even care about dying, if dying meant seeing my baby girl again. I never heard her cry, or say mommy or even smile. She passed away at 19 months old and i hate myself everyday for that. I would crawl in a corner and cry because my husband nor my friends understood what i was going through. I just kept thinking...i want to dance with her again and hold her for hours all over again. I want to kiss those sweet lips and touch her soft face. When my daughter passed away, i used to take everything out of her closet EVERYDAY and wash her clothes, OVER and OVER again. My husband told me i needed to talk to someone, but why would i go to talk to someone...when i had him...I have a 6 month old son, who i love more than anything. But it never will replace the emptiness or the sadness of losing my daughter. I dont think anything ever will. I Miss her more everyday that passes. When i see a little girl her age, i get upset. I couldn't walk into grocery stores or go to baby showers or even be happy for a friend or family member who was expecting. I felt like i had to throw up all the time or sometimes even pass out when i thought about it.
Everyone always expects you to be "little miss sunshine" but it's not that easy...
I really wish my life was different. Just the feeling of being here. I want to be here for my son, but how do i go on without my daughter...(especially when you know you can't have anymore children!) Then i guess i just told myself...she was a difficult child. She was completly brain dead, but i could've took care of her the way she was for the rest of MY LIFE! God knew when her time was and when he needed another angel.. I just thank him everyday for letting me have the little time i had with her, because they were the best days of my life!

Cindy - posted on 09/01/2009

Mary....I look at the picture you have posted and it brings back memories of my son...laying there...hooked to a vent that is breathing for him...motionless because they have to keep him sedated...tubes that went out of his neck to a heart/lung machine (ecmo) because his heart was attacked by a virus. Those images....are forever burned in my mind...haunt me day and night but I thank God for the five days I had with him...so many parents don't even get that. I find what has helped me (besides my relationship with God and His Son Jesus Christ) is doing for others who are now going thru what I had to experience. You can't hardly go just a few days without reading of some child's death in the newspaper. Most funeral homes have a web site set up so that you can give encouraging words to other mothers over what they are just now going thru. I also found a home for unwed mothers (usually they are teens who have been thrown out of their own homes) and I try to help out with whatever is needed there. There are days when I'm angry at anyone who has a baby....days when I still can't get out of bed...and days when I too cry to God to just take me on to heaven to hold my son again. This whole thing has changed forever who I am....but I had to decided if it was going to change me for the better or for the worse...I chose in honor of my son, Samuel, to change my world around me for the better.

Summer - posted on 08/31/2009

Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you. The words you used to explain your feelings sound like how I felt when I lost my daughter. I know that you only scratched the surface of how you are feeling and that there is so much more to it than that. There are so many people who don't get it, if they never go through it they never will. God help them if they do, none of us would wish it on anyone.
It took so long before it seemed to get better for me. I remember someone telling me once that after 10 years it gets better, so that was my goal for the longest time...to make it to 10 years. Through the process, I learned to cope better and to find ways to focus on other things for seconds and then minutes at a time. My pain is still there, the pain is a tribute to how much I love her. Right now you need to take care of yourself, and not worry about what other people expect from you. You are still the wonderful person you have always been, now you have a pain that is shared by few.
I dealt with it one day at a time. It has been almost 13 years now, and it still hurts. I am not over it, I never will be. I share stories about my Rose with her brother and sisters. I still wish that I had her back, I think that I always will.
Don't expect that you will ever get over it, she holds a piece of your heart and you probably won't have it back until you see her again in heaven. My grandmother lost her second oldest son when he was 2 years old and she cried about it more than 50 years later (until she got to go be with him). After I lost Rose, she felt more comfortable talking to me about my Uncle Gary and sharing her pain with me. She felt the same way we all do, it is like we are alone. I am thankful for a place like this, I know that as sad as it is, I am not alone.
My heart aches for your loss! It gets better, but you never get over it. Just keep going day by day and lean on your supports. There are a group of us here that want to help and support you!

Heather - posted on 08/31/2009

I wish there were magic words to say...or that people did 'get it'. What you wrote is what racks our brains on a daily basis. After I lost my son I often thought why couldnt it be me? I just had my fullterm stillborn this May but that hole seems to be getting bigger some days rather than smaller! I feel so lost. My heart goes out to you!



I agree we all put on this 'face' so others arent uncomfortable yet we are miserable inside. Few notice or even seem to care that we are completely different people....that we can never feel truly happy...because even in happy moments we think...our angel should be here too! Well wrote!

Pamela - posted on 08/31/2009

I feel like that too. I am a "strong" person, so I have been told! So when this happened to me I felt like I couldn't do the normal thing and just crumble (although I felt like it). I thought that I had to put a brave face on and console those around me and just deal with it! But I have two girls I have to get up to in the morning and a wonderful husband to help me and I realise that I will NEVER get over my lost boy even if I have 10 other boys. My husband says that he (Liam) will always be our perfect boy playing in heaven with our dog hank! My aunt lost her 23 year old son 14 years ago and she said it took her nearly 12 years to deal with it properly..... I have a long road ahead my stillbirth was 6 weeks today. I hope you feel better and I will pray for you x