Mary - posted on 08/31/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )
I'm so tired of pretending... SO FREAKING TIRED OF IT! I want my daughter back...
What can you do when everything around you starts crumbling? What you had wished for since you were a little girl is finally here and everything is like a dream. You have a beautiful baby girl that has made your heart want to beat every day for her. You have waited months just to see what she looks like. You felt her sleeping, moving, and kicking in your womb. That moment finally arrives and you forget about all the pain, morning sickness, and absurd cravings you had. All you can think of is how she came from you and you only want to hold her in your arms. Then you wake up one day and it's all gone. You wish you had never had her. At least, you wouldn't know how it felt to lose her. Then you start dreaming of the good days when you couldn't believe how lucky you were. The real problem is you have to wake up from those dreams and start trying to slowly crawl back up out of the hole you put yourself in afterwards. You see everyone around you going on with their lives as if nothing happened and you are struggling to get up in the morning. You wake up and hope that today is the day that you will be with your angel. You pray for god to just let you leave this world and spend time with her. You would truly be happy. You would be able to smell her, feel her, and hear her say "Mommy." Why can't people understand that? Why can't they just get down in the hole with you and feel your pain? It is because they don't know the feeling of your soul, the understanding for your madness. They only see what you used to be. The happy person who was always there for them. The woman who would never let them down, give them advice, and tell them they are a good person no matter what. They don't know that you are only the shell of what you used to be. You are truly empty and feel alone in a dark world that your angel isn't in.
To Everyone Who Reads This:
This is what my heart feels. I do not intend to harm myself. Please do not assume because I am writing this I would risk not seeing my daughter in heaven, just to get away from my misery.
How do u guys deal with it? Its been almost 2 years and it feels like yesterday.... I keep fooling myself into believing that I'm over it. I just wish everything was different...