why do people ignore me or change the subject wen i talk bout my baby tat died

Sarah - posted on 01/17/2010

i think they may not no what to say or how to respond because they dnt want to offend or hurt u in any way. my daughter was 18 months old and passed 3 years ago, and when she is mentoned outside my close family i experience the same type of thing. hang in there and keep those memories close hon.

Victoria - posted on 01/16/2010

I talk about my daughter (gone 4 years this may) whenever I get a chance, like I talk about my other kids. I've had a lot of responses... found out there are a lot of people out there who have experienced a loss and kept it to themselves, or know someone who has suffered and don't know how to react. I talk about her and our experience of losing her, grieving her, remembering her unabashedly, and don't really care how it makes others feel. It has always been very important to me that she is remembered as part of our family. I've found that when others hear how much comfort it brings me to remember her in conversation, they are more comfortable talking about her too. There just isn't enough education about pregnancy and infant loss - no one wants to admit it happens let alone TALK about it! Finding a support group, in real life or on a board like this (or both) really helps validate my feelings about my daughter and gives me a place to really pour my heart out to others who know how I feel. This really is one instance in life where it is completely appropriate for you to do what you need to do, what you feel like doing. Its not about how other people feel this time. My heart goes out to all of you....

Leanne - posted on 01/16/2010

i know how you feel my son passed away last year aged 4 days old, people walked around on eggshells near me and kept changing the subject even though i was desperate to talk about him i still get that from people now they just dont know what to do

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2010

I know how you feel & I am truly sorry! I actually posted something on my blog about it the other day because Facebook had a status going around about how "taboo" the subject was & I totally lost it.
It will be 6yrs in March when I lost my baby girl Lilly & yes there are days that it's better but then there are days I wanna scream in pain because it's still very raw. I don't know why people don't wanna listen to us & it makes me mad. they need to see that we're in pain & we're not looking for attention..just a hug or something, but people are scared of death & they don't know how to deal with it unless they've walked in our shoes.
I am very sorry for your loss. I think we're all here for everyone to vent, cry & lend a shoulder & ear too.

Rebecca - posted on 01/12/2010

People don't know what to say to you. My son died 2 days after he was born it will be 5 years in March. I think about him all the time. Especially when i look at my daughter. She looks just like him. People don't want to upset you and thinking about the death of a child upsets them. The memories are always going to be there but it does get easier with time. Take care and talk about your daughter if you want and when you need to.

Holly - posted on 01/12/2010

My son Skylar died Jan.16, 2009. I had him at 17 weeks. I was hoping the doctors could do something to save him. But I was told that they wouldn't even try to save, them, because of the cost and effort to try to save him, they rather help a baby that has a better chance of living. I was and still am heart broken that my son died. And I was hoping they would do something, because I have a son who's 16 now, and I had him at 22 weeks. Well take care.
Holly
http://www.skylarslove.com

Chanel - posted on 01/10/2010

some people just have not walked in your shoes or their just inconsiderate i know what you are going through and its hard and a lot of people dont realize when a person constantly talks about a death that is a way that you grieve but sometimes you have to just try to overlook certain people especially if they dont understand. like i do because i've been there before a few times when i'm talking to those type of people i try not to talk about the death to them so that way my feelings dont get hurt hopefully this helps

Skylar's - posted on 01/10/2010

http://www.skylarslove.com

Hi it's Holly from Skylar's Love,

I'm offering to mail anyone who's interested a Free Skylar's Love magnet. It's great to place a magnet on your fridge, so if you ever need to talk or e-mail for support, I'm always here. Or if you know someone who has gone through a loss, and you would like to be supportive, the magnet is a great tool, so when a parent is ready or needs comfort, they can e-mail me or call me. So if you do.... just e-mail me your address, and I'll send you out one. If you need any extras, just let me know.

Love,

Holly

Marsha - posted on 01/09/2010

People really don't know what to say or do or even think when it comes to your lost child. You just have to accept that unless they've lost a child, they have no idea how you feel. I haven't lost a baby, but I lost my Crystal when she 17 years old to leukemia. And I had a lot of things said to me that I just couldn't believe. But, I just finally realized that no matter what they say, people mean well. They just haven't been there. As parents we will always remember our precious children and keep their memories alive. I still have Crystal's room decorated the way she wanted it and have most of her things, and it will be six years in March, 2010. Some people think you should put away the past and only look forward, but I will never let my daughter fade away as long as I'm alive.

Jennifer - posted on 01/09/2010

I have lost 3 babies and totally understand how you feel! But I prayed over this and the hurt I felt when others would ignore me or would not want to talk about my babies. God showed me that they aren't being mean or rude they don't know how to respond! We as mothers have a bond and love for our babies on earth or in heaven they others around us don't! Be patient and my best advice is to talk to the one who is closest with you and your babies! GOD! Blessings :)

Cate - posted on 01/09/2010

Your grief can never be understood by anyone other than yourself and by talking about your baby it makes life for you easier to handle, I'm the same and I totally struggled with the fact that I could not even speak my son's name without being shunned by everyone. I found a group of women who have experienced the loss of a child/children as well and now once a month we meet and non stop talk about our babies and our feelings, we all walk away from that meeting handling life just that little bit better having shared time with our babies. Now when I really just want to talk about my son I know that I only have to contact one of the ladies from support group and not have to feel like I'm shunned by family or friends. Hope that helps.

Kerrin - posted on 01/08/2010

I think people have lots of different reasons for not wanting to talk. I have some friends who won't because they think I should be over it & others who don't want to make me feel sad. Some who won't talk to me cause they feel guilty having their own children (why would I ever begrudge a parent a happy, healthy child in a good home?). And some because they don't agree with decisions made regarding birthing, arrangements etc... (we didn't want to have a burial & memorial service like my MIL threw a tantrum about - we opted for cremations & scattering her ashes, so she pretends her granddaughter was never born).

I'm very lucky to be part of a very open, loving family who talk about her all the time (cept for the mentioned above MIL). Including my 22 year old brother who even talks to me about her in a lot of general conversation (he claimed he was too young to be an uncle but was devastated when my mother told him the baby would be stillborn). It doesn't take away any of the loss or pain but it makes it much more easier to grieve in what ever way I wish to having them all be so open & understanding.

CONI - posted on 01/07/2010

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE HELPING YOU FORGET THE PAIN AND IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR THEM THEY DONT REALIZE YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. YOU NEVER WANT TO FORGET ABOUT SOMEONE YOU HAVE LOVED AND LOST. HAVE YOU TRIED GOING TO A GROUP OF MOTHERS WHO MEET A FEW TIMES A MONTH JUST TO TALK. IT WAS HELPFUL FOR ME.

Meryet - posted on 01/06/2010

I think some people just aren't sure how to respond to the subject. Especially if they've never lived it.

My son passed 8 years ago this Dec & I think I've done fairly well at moving on with it. My grandmother was extremely close to my son & never misses an opportunity to bring it up at almost any family gathering. It actually makes me more uncomfortable than her. Probably because I'm the one who doesn't enjoy drudging thru it again & she can't seem to move away from it. So yes I guess in a way, I'm the one who doesn't know how to deal with the conversation so I shy away from it myself.

Emer - posted on 01/06/2010

thank u all 4ur lovely comments xxx

Kaylan - posted on 01/06/2010

Alot of people dont want to make you uneasy, and for a lot of family and friends its hard to talk about the loss. My father in law will leave the room if I start to talk about Our angel. It still hurts him to even look at her photos at times. just take it one day at a time.

Lindsey - posted on 01/06/2010

My daughter Savannah died when she was 3.5 mos old, 6 years ago. People still do the same to me! As a matter of fact, I moved into a new apt. 2 years ago and my mom was helping me decorate. I put up about 3 or 4 pictures of Savannah on the walls through out my apt. and she got all bent out of shape, telling me that those pictures are just a constant reminder and I need to think about the people that will be coming into my home. That it may be difficult for them to constantly see her pictures! I was so insanely mad at that remark! I want the constant reminder! She is my little girl and always will be! I'm not going to put her pictures away and stop talking about her because it might be uncomfortable for someone! It's the only way I have to keep her alive! So my advise to you, is the hell with all of them! You talk about her, plaster your world with her! She is your angel, and you do what you need to, to keep her alive in your heart!

Heather - posted on 01/06/2010

I am truely sorry to hear this.I talk about my daughter alot to whom ever will listen.She past away Oct.10,2009 from SMA Type 1.SHe was 9 months and 4 days old.Today Jan.6,2010 is her first birthday she will be celebrating in heaven.When she first past away i knew it was hard for people to talk about it.But i just brushed it off after crying about it so many times and now when I feel like talking I talk about her.Im not expecting anyone to reply to me I just love talking about her and no one can take that away from you.It makes me feel good and they will eventually get used to you talking and open up about their memories with her and you can laugh or cry together but some people seem to deal with it differently.No matter what she will always be real and in your heart forever.I feel as if my daughter is with me a lot even though i can see her.Its like shes inside of me and I feel ok.I hope this helped.Wish you the best of luck!

Heather~Kaydens Mommy

Jamie - posted on 01/05/2010

I know just how you feel! my daughter Jade died 2 and a half yrs ago, she was one month old. When I bring her up ppl shy away from the subject like I'm weird for talking about her and I also feel like they don't see her as a person because she was only alive for a short while. I have come to the conclusion that ppl just don't know what to make of it or how to properly respond to it. I have stopped talking about her to those ppl (some are even close family members) No matter how much I say or don't say about her She is very much apart of my life and heart and I could care less how that makes anyone feel. There is nothing wrong with us we had an awful thing happen to us and just because they can't relate doens't make how we feel any less important. hope this helps.