anyone else with a still-living and evil abusive uninvolved mother?

Leslie92 - posted on 05/05/2013

i truly believe my mother is some kind of demon spawn from hell..one of the WORST people ive ever known in my life. she visits right now and i just ask her..hey mom can you turn your tv down. instead..she begins yelling and saying that she LEFT the door open on purpose for my cats b/c i said i wanted it before. i said..mom can you please just turn the tv down? she goes NUTS yelling screaming causing a fit...finally then the sociopath SHUTS the door angrily..she tv is still loud. i call her again..i said MOM..can you PLEASE turn the tv down i mean im just asking this one thing??? she screams in a psychotic rage...OK I"LL TURN IT DOWN like cringing her teeth...sounding like shes nuts...then icall her to say...mom...i just asked you to turn the tv down...why are u screamign at me and getting crazy???

now this isnt even close to the torment she has done to my life..as an adult...yes the worst....she had me labeled "mentally ill' to dsetroy me. went around telling people i was 'angry and had outbursts' spread lies to MANY and doctors. has had me baker acted several times...basically has destroyed my life on another level. she uses this to CONTROL me...im in my 30's now and if i dare talk back to this narcissistic monster...she will threaten the cops on me-- JUST for talking back to her??? i have lived all my adult years suffering horribly...as a result of her non-stop abuse control torment...i really think she is the most evil person ive ever known...and she is so sick angry bitter evil inside but hides it like any sociopath and anyone believes her lies and helps her out. she even went so far as to telling people shes a doctor just to ruiin my life. getting power off destroying her own daughter. its a sad sick story...the immense extreme abuse that has been done to me has destroyed me on another level...and its hard to tell people hey my mother has done this to me b/c people then look at you scared as if you have a mental illness and are paranoid and thinking that your mother is 'out to get you'. no matter what..you LOSE. your credibility is shot and most people these days seem glad at other people's suffering so not many or any have helped me out. i have been the ultimate victim of this monste.r...and its just scary.... i really think my mother is one of the worst...even at 60 now...this deranged psycohpath is still going strong...getting crazier and more evil....and im her ONLY victim really...but the amount and level of abuse and torture that she has done ot me is just scary...she treats me like an incompetent 12 year old brat....she talks down to me belittle degrades...she thinks she can control my life. because she can't call 'medicare' anymore oh yeah she had me put on 'disability' basically tricking me into signing papers then going and getting a doctor's note without my knowledge when i was in my early 20's. somehow i got it and i have no clue why/how b/c i wasnt disabled. then she was my 'payee' and was thrilled to be collecting and controlling money on my behalf. but then many years later i became my own payee....it took A LOT of struggle to do that out of fear of taking away the control from this narcissistic monster. now she gets mad b/c she can't call 'medicare' on my behalf and get information on me. this deranged nutjob got control powertrips off calling these places...and telling me "oh i called medicaid and they said this and this about your plan"! and well...now i can't call them anymore because YOU took me off!! if you try to tell this sadistic narcissist that you have an opinion and a life....this maniac gets CRAZY....gets angry abusive if she hears that im even TALKING to a guy..she gets TERRIFIED worried...oh good God she's losing control??? the only boyfriend i really had she basically shunned away by totally shunning him....ie my whole family did. they are controlling as well but she is the ring leader...if you think your mom is bad...i think this sadistic freak i know is the worst. and worse....if i say...hey mom..u CANT DO THIS TO ME ANYMORE?!!! she will threaten the cops on me and then threaten to have me sent to a psych ward for 'acting up'...very sick disturbed stuff....i think someone this evil should be sent straight to hell

Shiftchangers - posted on 03/18/2013

My mom is a jerkface too. She hated her mom and sister and all I heard was how horrible they were my whole life. Still no contact. One is dead. Now my dad dies and three months after she buys a convertible car, gets a facelift, a 20 year younger dude and all this in 3 months. She also blocked me from phone and e mail and refuses to speak with me. She lies when she does and hates that I don't go along with it. How is that mom for ya?
"Oh my birthday Ill get nothing nada zip not even a hidey ho. Shes partying in Vegas I heard.
Bet u feel a little better now

Sharon - posted on 02/19/2013

hi i know your pain my mother is that way she is a narcissist i just researched this year.
i have raised my two sons alone with no family help as well, i also envy others when they have a great loving mother,i am a loving mom too my kids, but im so alone,i have no friends, probably because of a phobe with my non lovingmother which she is in denial

Laura - posted on 11/19/2012

My mother would lie to my father about my bloody nose for instance saying she was "blocking Laurie's blows'. She has done things for me that mothers should, but there is so much more complicated truth behind each and every one of her 'nurturing' acts..... very very controlling, and my father who she in essence struck it rich in marrying into his (MY) family just always let her run the show. I have a sister who died of eating disorders after a heart attack on their living room floor..... Just a lot of mental abuse growing up..... sometimes physical abuse but not constant.......still does not fully taeak ke ownership of all that she did....... I got labelled the black sheep a long time ago for having the audacity to speak about her bull shit.....She still keeps weak ties to me, but she doesn't realize something she told me recently and the abusive manner brought me right back to an incident when I was 9 and so needed a mother...... I am 46 and it reminded me of a very abusive instance and I literally just re-lived it.... Now at 46 she has lost me, and she may deem that no loss, but she is really the entity that is nothing to lose. I just voiced to her how very 'powerful' she was, and let her think what she wanted. I never want to see her again. I really mean that.

SABRINA - posted on 07/17/2012

My mother was an addict well before she ever had me. She always chose drugs/men/crime before anything else. I went thru a lot and lost my innocence at a very verrrry young age. She abandoned me at 2 months, and kidnapped me from my father when I was 4 (only for a few weeks, but I will never forget those few weeks, ever.) Every time she tried to make contact after that she wd just make things worse. I felt like I was the parent. We severed all contact when I became a teen and emancipated myself. My pregnancy was very difficult because I felt like I needed a mother to turn to, to tell me what I was going thru was normal, to comfort me. Now that Im getting the hang of things I cant even begin to understand how she cd put anything before her own seed. I am thankful for one thing; that she gave me the perfect example of what not to do as a mother. I worry that some day I will somehow become her... but thats all it is. Having seen the things Ive seen, I will never ever let my son even come close to experiencing what I did. I vow to keep him innocent as long as humanly possible. She was recently released from prison into a rehab close to where I live. I felt bad that my son didnt even know his grandma from my side, so I took him to see her. He cried bloody murder any time she tried to even lay a finger on him and I cdnt help but think to myself; wow even babies can detect bad energy... lol. Your definitely not alone, and I know you'll be a great mother because it seems like you had an example similar to mine.

Kimberly - posted on 04/09/2012

she is no mother. cut all ties.

Bec - posted on 07/08/2010

I haven't spoken to my mother for a lot of years now. For a long long time it hurt me. I suffered from PND after the birth of both of my babies because of what she put me through and it took a lot of work for me to realise I was feeling the way I was because I believed I was going to turn out to be just like her. Some days I still believe that, some days I don't see how I could be any different because it's what I grew up with. She wasn't always horrible. Sometimes she was etremely loving and caring. But when I was 21 she told me she didn't want to be my mother anymore. I spent years dealing with what to do with that but it wasn't until I had my own children that I became completely lost in how a mother could say that to her own children and expect it to not hurt them. But I am totally determined to NEVER let my children feel that way even for a second.

I also have to say that one thing that is extremely hard for me and is like a slap in the face is when people say "oh but she's your mother" like I should "fix" it. Like it was me who decided to cut her out. I could never be that hurtful.

I like to think that the non-relationship I have with my mother makes me stronger and a much better person than I would have otherwise been. I absolutely refuse to make the same mistakes that she did.

Marie - posted on 05/31/2010

I used to be that evil (addicted) mother, I have a 27 year old that's hates me, with good reason, I wish she could forgive me now that I am sober, more for her sake than for mine because the load of carrying all that stuff only prevents her from moving forward. I have forgiven myself for the pain I have given and have a beautiful 4 year old, I just wish my oldest could let all of the bad go. Don't listen to your mother, put all that stuff back on her, just know that u won't do the same with your child let it go u WILL feel better.

Danielle - posted on 09/27/2009

Quoting Bethany:

I don't know anywhere else that I could vent this frustration so I'm hoping it is appropriate here and that someone here will tell me they have been through this and that it will be O.K.

My evil abusive mother, refusing to have contact with me since last summer since I told her

I would no longer accept her poor treatment of me, has now (inspired by the holidays?) taken to filing numerous false reports against me.  The good news is that it's all complete bunk.

The bad news is that my son is autistic and I have been doing a private fundraising effort

on a website for him so he can get the money to go to a special camp and she found out and has been using that for some of the false reports.  Thankfully, I'm an obsessive bookkeeper and my files are impeccable so it's just a matter of responding with the appropriate paperwork each time a new report pops up (and I have started a folder in case she doesn't stop and I need to get a restraining order or something) but here's what I don't get: she's not hurting ME (annoying me? yes!  Hurting me- nope, because it's all crap and nothing sticks) she's hurting my SON and that is something I cannot wrap my head around.

I guess all these years part of me still believed that she treated me poorly because I was a bad daughter and in spite of a lot of really good therapy, time and space that has allowed me to see that I'm "good enough" and I can heal those past wounds though good parenting, I still wasn't prepared for her to mistreat my son like this.

Maybe I'm just in shock or something but I don't even feel angry anymore (I did the first day of the first report, but it just faded into annoyance).  When I think of her now, I just feel a little sad, like watching someone self-destruct from a distance.  What makes me wonder about myself is this: if I don't even feel anger toward her, do I even love her at all anymore- have any feelings?  Is it forgivable to not love your mother?

I had thought I was safe from her, had done my mourning for the mothering I hever had, and

I'd moved on and now here she is, getting to me indirectly and all I feel is put out.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for being here- there's alot of pain on this page from everyone and I'm glad we have a space to express it.

Hi Bethany!

I know exactly how you are feeling!  Our son has an autistic spectrum disorder and my Mother does the same things.  He is 10 now and we have 4 other children, 3 of whom she has only seen from a distance and she has not stopped.  She calls the child protection to harass us, she has her friends come to the door and tell me how horrible I am.  She has threatened to take my children unless I leave my husband and move in with her.  6 years ago I had had enough of her frantic yelling at me, tearing me down, scaring my two children who were 4 and 2.  So I told her if she couldn't accept me as an adult and treat me with respect she was not welcome. She has harassed me since because for the first time in my life I stood up and told her I was worth something.  I took control away from her.  I feel a lot of sadness for her, because I can see that she is pushing everyone away and she is alone.  However I cannot subject my children to her unstability and abuse.  Our 2 oldest have nothing but fear and anger because of the few memories they do have of her.  She told my Grandmother in front of our son that she "hopes ger ixygen shuts off and she dies", 1 year later exactly that did happen.  He remembers that and it scares him because she said things to me and that event though merely coincidense gives her credibility in his mind.  I love her because she is my Mother, but I do not like what she has become.  It is hard to see other people with their Mothers, and hard for my children to not have Grandparents.  My husband's Mother passed away from Cancer 4 years ago and that hit us hard.  We were very close to her and I was able to benifit from her influence early on in my marriage.  My husband's father is still there which helps some but doesn't take the pain away. 

Pam - posted on 06/29/2009

I am sure she does - i lost her in jan 2002 to breast cancer. She was very upfront and real about life. Her advice was allways the best i got and i miss her terribly but she did not have the loving mother she was to me. Glad I could give you another perspective. My heart goes to you and your lovely girls ( I have three girls all grown now)

Dawn - posted on 06/28/2009

thanks, it's good to hear something positive from someone who has understanding of the situation. i hope your mum knows your love for her, thank you Dawn

Pam - posted on 06/28/2009

i would like to give you some advice my mom gave me

she said "As long as I love you that is all that matters"

the situation was that my grandmothers ( her mom and her mother in law) could have cared less about me or my siblings and this hurt my mother deeply but I never felt the pain of them not caring because my mom loved me so much. So know in your heart that as long as YOU love your children you will not pass that heritage along and they will remember a loving mom YOU

Dawn - posted on 06/15/2009

i cried all through reading this, wrote a reply, deleted it. I still find it all hard, and what sucks is, my mother openly says she did a great job... She is pure evil, the devil incarnate. She enjoyed every bit of abuse she handed out, pure sober. I was brought up to believe all good babies died, therefore I was bad, and everything that happened was my fault because i lived. I was emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused. i lost my fathers baby at 14, and my mum gave me to fellow workers so she could get things done on her car for free. Yeah, Gotta love her. One brother used me and shared me with his mates when i was 10, and another sold me off for drugs, and used me as a punching bag. Still all my fault.

I haven't had physical contact for 9 years, and stopped phone contact the following year.
I still hurt every day, as i feel the loss of never having a mother. Will i be upset when she dies, no for who she is , but yes for who I always wished she would be.

i have 4 daughters, and only the oldest knew her. She didn't like her and never wanted to go over there, (smart girl, that one). My mum as given the choice of contact, (supervised of course, in case you wondered) her response, "why would I want to be bothered seeing them for"

I still haven't worked out how to deal with the pain. Sometimes it's gone for ages, then it just comes back again. By the way, I was unlucky enough to continue the cycle on myself, married someone abusive. Divorced now for 4 years, that's 4 years abuse free living, I'm 42, and life is really only beginning for me.
Thank you for giving me somewhere to write this as I know it has really helped me tonight. Somewhere where I wont be told, it doesn't matter what she's done, she's still your mother. What a load of hurtful bull.

If anyone would like to be in touch I would welcome all contact :)

Liz - posted on 04/27/2009

My "mother" is a alive but I have had no contact with her for many years. I have finally gotten past the pain that she has caused me and have even forgiven her. It took many many years for that to happen though.

I turned around what my "mother" did to me. I rose above it and conquered it and I encourage anyone else with an abusive mother to do the same because it will change you. It will make you a better person. So will forgiveness. I will never ever forget what that "woman" did to me, but I did forgive her. I swore when I had children they would never be made to feel the way I felt while I was growing and a teenager. And an adult for that fact of the matter. And they never did. I have 2 grown children (one that my "mother" wanted me to abort) and 2 teenagers at home. I also have 2 wonderful grandbabies. They have never felt anything but pure unconditional love from me and their father. And they will never feel anything else from us but pure unconditional love.

Because of my "mother" I am who I am. The damage she did to me is long gone. Because of my "mother" we will be working with pregnant teen girls whose parents have thrown them away. Eventually we hope to take one into our home. Because of my "mother" my children and grandchildren will never feel humiliation, never feel as if they are not loved, never feel as if they couldn't accomplish whatever they set out to do, and will never ever feel a belt, a spoon, a slap, a hair pull, a pushing, a nothing violent. Because of my "mother" the only things my children and grandchildren will feel are pure unconditional love, the gentleness of hands lovingly brushing their hair, the gentleness of a hug when they are experiencing being a teenager, the gentleness of listening to them, and the gentleness of the way a mother is supposed to be.

So in the end I actually thank my "mother" for who I have become. I am actually a better wife and mother than I thought I could ever possibly be. Thanks to someone that was nothing but unkind, unprotective, and most of all, totally unloving.

Danae - posted on 04/22/2009

I feel ya hun! My mother is an evil @#$*%. I tried for years to put up with her but nothing ever seemed to work. You'll be a better mother than she was, you've already set out to do just that. I still struggle to make sure I don't make her mistakes. You can do it hun.

Kenda - posted on 04/13/2009

My story is a bit different than most. I had a great relationship with my Mom. We were best friends more than mother and daughter. She was my maid of honor when I got married and right beside me when I had my 2 children. We lived right next door to one another and spoke everyday. She knew my deepest, darkest secrets and I knew hers. I wanted to be just like her. And one day...everything changed. She met a man who got her involved with drugs and she changed. She broke promises, she talked poorly of me, she spread lies about me, she split my family and the "deal breaker" was that she did something that affected my kids and for me that is unforgivable. Sometimes I think that it would be easier if she were dead. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if she can just "left" when I was little so that I wouldn't have all these memories. She can't possibly understand how much she hurt me by hurting my babies. I lost my mother and my best friend. I think of her everyday, I miss her everyday and I cry a little inside everyday but I WILL NOT expose my kids to the mess she has made of herself. No one except those that have lost their moms for whatever reason can understand how empty you feel, how lonely you feel. I hate seeing other mother/daughters together. It's not jealousy...it's anger and I can't make it go away. It's been 6 years and it's as fresh as the day it happened. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea of simply walking away from your children and grandchildren. HOW??? How can you choose someone else...anyone else...over your own children?? How can you choose a life that is so unhealthy, so illegal and so wrong over your children?? How can you turn your children away when they are there with their arms outstretched, face wet with tears and hearts completely shattered? How?

What I do know is this. I am stronger because of this. I hold my kids a little tighter because of this. I tell them I love them more often. I keep the promises I make to them. I remind them how special they are to me just for being who they are. I know that there is NOTHING in this world that could ever make me walk away from them. I know that I've learned enough lessons to know what NOT to do and that only makes me a better mom. I have deep regret about the relationship we don't have now. I wonder how different my life would be if she were still in it. I wonder if there is any hope of repairing what we once had. I'm angry, I'm hurt and I feel so alone some days. This helps though. To know that there are others that feel like this makes me feel like I'm not on this ride alone. Thanks, everyone, for listening today. Let's keep supporting and talking....seems to be the best medicine sometimes.

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009

I am not down-playing your situation at all, but I would GIVE ANYTHING to go back and have like 5 mins with my mom...so much i'd say...we weren't always on the best of terms as I did not have the best parenting/childhood....but if there is anyway you could sit and talk to her...do so....someday u may not get the chance....it's so hard to see it from the other side....after they are gone, there is NO coming back...it sucks....if I could go back i'd do so many things different even if my mom did not do the best of job at times....man i'd give anything....

Cheryl - posted on 02/15/2009

marea well written xxxxxx

Maraea - posted on 02/15/2009

Hi I can feel your pain, my own mother is an abusive lying alcoholic drug user who doesnt see that what she has done to me was wrong. I got married just over a year ago and she rang me for the first time in over 18 years the night before my wedding just to yell and scream abuse at me why I do not know, we had not seen each other for about 10 yeas until recently as there was a death in the family and we both attended the funeral, I tried my best to ignore her and her minipulative ways (putting the rest of the family against me because I didnt want anything to do with her) but the thing that got up my goat was that she stole my baby! My baby was only 5 weeks old and instead of asking if she could meet her granddaughter (Iwould have said no anyway!) she just stole her from someone else and I just went and got her off her. I never wanted my children to meet my so called mother as I never wanted them to feel the way she use to make me feel.

Dont get me wrong I have given my mother many chances to make thing right and every time she just slaps it all back in my face and tells me im the one with the problem and that she has nothing to be sorry for. I use to hurt so badly and want so much for my mother to love me like she does the rest of my brothers and sisters but I have come to the stage where I know it will never happen and if I dont want her to hurt me again then I have to distance myself from her which I have done. When I saw her at the funeral I felt nothing, no love no hate no sympathy no nothing which is just fine with me. I wouldnt care If I never saw her again and I know that I would not go to her funeral and my children will never enter her house or call her grandma or even know who she is.

I am now 26 years old and do not have one single good memory of her and wrote this for her.

Why did you leave me alone in this world, wondering out on my own

Id sit out there crying, wishing you would hear my moans

You were suppose to be there through hard times, the times I needed you most

I'd look around to find you, But all I'd see were ghosts

You were suppose to be my mother, like a sister and a friend

So why did you do this to me, and let our friendship end

These are my questions Im sending out to you

sitting here waiting for the answers to get me through

But now Im all grown up and the questions, they're still there

But now I dont need the answers, because Mum I dont care.

Gwen - posted on 02/04/2009

My father and step mother were never involved with our kids more than once a year or less due to their mean ways.  We chose to raise our children in a positive "normal" enviroment.  They were anything but that so they only saw their grandparents on my side a handful of times while growing up. 

Cheryl - posted on 02/03/2009

good advise wish i could do it

Kathryn - posted on 02/03/2009

My mother left when I was just around 3, she left me with my dad.  She then went on to become a drug addict and an even heavier alcoholic than she once was.  8 years later she had another child and just 6 years after that he was taken away from CPS.  I obtained custody of him 4 years after that, he is now going on 20 and we live our lives without her all toghther.  She lies, cheats, steals and is a very, very sick person.  I am 31 and have two more children of  my own, age 14 & 11, neither of which has really ever known much about her but the above and a few spiratic visits a couple times in their lives.  You have to heal, and accept your mother for what and how she is.  Let it go, it will be far more useful for you and your son (and future children) to learn to let go, and just move on.  I have removed her toxicity from our lives and will never allow her in my home again.  Once you have learned to move on, your life will be easier and happier, I guarantee.

Rose - posted on 01/29/2009

Hi Bethany,

I read your story and my heart stopped when i thought about how this must effect your son!

i have left a blurb about my evil sadistic mother on here too... If you get the chance to hve a read, you will see why the thought of your mother reporting you just struck a cord with me!

 

xxoo

Rose

 

 

Quoting Bethany:

I don't know anywhere else that I could vent this frustration so I'm hoping it is appropriate here and that someone here will tell me they have been through this and that it will be O.K.

My evil abusive mother, refusing to have contact with me since last summer since I told her

I would no longer accept her poor treatment of me, has now (inspired by the holidays?) taken to filing numerous false reports against me.  The good news is that it's all complete bunk.

The bad news is that my son is autistic and I have been doing a private fundraising effort

on a website for him so he can get the money to go to a special camp and she found out and has been using that for some of the false reports.  Thankfully, I'm an obsessive bookkeeper and my files are impeccable so it's just a matter of responding with the appropriate paperwork each time a new report pops up (and I have started a folder in case she doesn't stop and I need to get a restraining order or something) but here's what I don't get: she's not hurting ME (annoying me? yes!  Hurting me- nope, because it's all crap and nothing sticks) she's hurting my SON and that is something I cannot wrap my head around.

I guess all these years part of me still believed that she treated me poorly because I was a bad daughter and in spite of a lot of really good therapy, time and space that has allowed me to see that I'm "good enough" and I can heal those past wounds though good parenting, I still wasn't prepared for her to mistreat my son like this.

Maybe I'm just in shock or something but I don't even feel angry anymore (I did the first day of the first report, but it just faded into annoyance).  When I think of her now, I just feel a little sad, like watching someone self-destruct from a distance.  What makes me wonder about myself is this: if I don't even feel anger toward her, do I even love her at all anymore- have any feelings?  Is it forgivable to not love your mother?

I had thought I was safe from her, had done my mourning for the mothering I hever had, and

I'd moved on and now here she is, getting to me indirectly and all I feel is put out.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for being here- there's alot of pain on this page from everyone and I'm glad we have a space to express it.

Rose - posted on 01/29/2009

hey..my mum was the wich from hell also! constant crap as a kid.. she was beyond abusive and infact psyco and then painted me out to  extended family asbeing this evil uncontrolable child who was brain washed against her by my father when the trouth of it was she was abusive (physical and verbol and emotional) and my dad was my safety net! She handed me over to my dad at age 10 (after numerious reports from the school and neighbours to community services) and wanted nothing further to do with me for another few yrs, then do th same shit again but when i was with my dad she would call communtity services on him  making all sorts of claims until once "fine" day she called em and said i told her dadf was sexually assulting me and i was removed from him till age 18 of which on many occasions she would brag and laugh to me and frinds about (how funny it was to her that i got removed fom dad.. ) which resulted in me being in numerious foster homes and youth refuges! When i had my daughter she then decided to try and sue me for grand parents rights to my daughter which thankfully didn't get past mention and was thrown out of court!

I refuse to inflict this type of crap on my kids! i never want them to doubt how much they were both wanted and are loved. There is no sacrafice too big..id do what ever it takes for them to have the life and love they deserve!

The bitch who gave birth to me died last year, and as slack as others may think this sounds I WAS RELIEVED! She can never hurt me or my children agan and i no longer have to live in fear!

Bethany - posted on 01/26/2009

YEA CHERYL :)

Cheryl - posted on 01/26/2009

my mother used to make out that we were bad daughters but i now know it was her that was the bad mother and im a good mother i would never let anyone hurt my children all i can do is try my best always and love them till i die LOVE YOUR BABIES dont let our mothers ruin the joy of us being mummys xxxxx

Bethany - posted on 01/23/2009

I don't know anywhere else that I could vent this frustration so I'm hoping it is appropriate here and that someone here will tell me they have been through this and that it will be O.K.

My evil abusive mother, refusing to have contact with me since last summer since I told her

I would no longer accept her poor treatment of me, has now (inspired by the holidays?) taken to filing numerous false reports against me.  The good news is that it's all complete bunk.

The bad news is that my son is autistic and I have been doing a private fundraising effort

on a website for him so he can get the money to go to a special camp and she found out and has been using that for some of the false reports.  Thankfully, I'm an obsessive bookkeeper and my files are impeccable so it's just a matter of responding with the appropriate paperwork each time a new report pops up (and I have started a folder in case she doesn't stop and I need to get a restraining order or something) but here's what I don't get: she's not hurting ME (annoying me? yes!  Hurting me- nope, because it's all crap and nothing sticks) she's hurting my SON and that is something I cannot wrap my head around.

I guess all these years part of me still believed that she treated me poorly because I was a bad daughter and in spite of a lot of really good therapy, time and space that has allowed me to see that I'm "good enough" and I can heal those past wounds though good parenting, I still wasn't prepared for her to mistreat my son like this.

Maybe I'm just in shock or something but I don't even feel angry anymore (I did the first day of the first report, but it just faded into annoyance).  When I think of her now, I just feel a little sad, like watching someone self-destruct from a distance.  What makes me wonder about myself is this: if I don't even feel anger toward her, do I even love her at all anymore- have any feelings?  Is it forgivable to not love your mother?

I had thought I was safe from her, had done my mourning for the mothering I hever had, and

I'd moved on and now here she is, getting to me indirectly and all I feel is put out.

Anyway, thanks for reading and for being here- there's alot of pain on this page from everyone and I'm glad we have a space to express it.

Xtina - posted on 01/23/2009

I wouldnt say my mother was evil, but she abandoned me at the age of 13 and was often violent before she left. i havnt seen her in almost 10 years though we do speake on the phone. Its hard when you do not have that positive female influence in your life, but my kids are growing up happy and healthy which is better than anything my mother did for me.

Heather - posted on 01/22/2009

It is helpful to hear others going through this. My mother and I had a difficult relationship after my father died when I was 15 and then she remarried when I was 16. Anyway, she has since basically stopped trying to have any relationship with me. Some people are horrified and think that we have to have a relationship, but really it has been a relief for me. I no longer have to experience episodes such as yours. Sometimes I think if both parties are not willing to talk openly, forgive and start over, then it is sometimes better to end the abusive relationship. My life has been wonderful since. My husband and his family are wonderful and supportive and all I have is love surrounding me. I have forgiven my mother, whether she will except it or not, it has made me feel better and enabled me to move on.

Cheryl - posted on 01/12/2009

my mumis an alcoholic she left my dad when i was 14 my sisters were just 9 and 7 she said she had a job cleaning flats and never returned home we rang hospitals and police even went upto the flats to see if she was there my 2 sisters were crying their eyes out and this bloke said she had been and gone the next day she walked in shouted at me for going to the flats looking for her and i realised she had been there all the time she was having another affair i couldnt understand how she could listen to her children crying and not come to comfort them but she always was a cow i used to pray at nite that my dad would leave her and take us away she used to hit us with the broom and pull our hair when i was around 7 she started seeing this man behind my dads back she used to take me there and buy me sweets and put me in a room while she went to another room with him to do watever then she told me that if i told my dad he would kill himself and it would be my fault that went on for several years my dad never found out and i still feel guilt for keeping it from him the funny thing is i still have a little contact with her about 3 or 4 phone calls a year its not much but more than she deserves i dont know why i do i think its guilt again im scared that if she died i would somehow blame myself does anyone think how they would feel if their horrible mum died im not sure if i would be upset or relieved im sorry if anyone reading this whos nice mum has died is offended by wat i say im not a horrible person

Bethany - posted on 12/19/2008

Kristina & Sherry, you guys are echoing my thoughts all morning.
I've been forgetting what I'm doing halfway through everything and the house is filled with half-completed tasks because today my mind just keeping obsessing about my mother. Questions that can't be answered like, how can anyone be so hateful to their own child? How can a mother just walk away from her child and not care what happens? On and on, and the ever-present pang of anger is just a thin cover-up for SO MUCH PAIN. Days like today it seems insurmountable. I'm so grateful that most days it's just a low roar in my head. Will we ever get past what they did (and didn't) do? There should be some sort of Hallmark occasion, akin to a funeral, for stuff like this because my friends and husband's family sort of know that my family and I are estranged but they don't understand that I'm grieving and I have a hard time asking directly for support.

Kristina - posted on 12/18/2008

I agree Sherry..it is so unfair that they can take up so much space in our heads when it is almost given that we don't have a place in theirs. I hate that my mother [and father who abandoned me when I was 7] haunt me so...

Sherry - posted on 12/18/2008

my mother, who divorced my father when I was 5 and then completely abandoned my father and I a few years later, doesn't even know that I am married or have children. I don't know where she is or if she is even alive anymore. She wasn't there for any of my proms, graduation from high school, college, graduate school or anything. My whole issue is that she just wasn't there. When I was in high school I knew the town she lived in (10 minutes from where I was) and that she was around, and that she was choosing to not be involved. She used to send me birthday, easter, and christmas cards every year with no return address, but write inside something about 'getting together soon' - I didn't even know HOW to get in touch w/her. One year she sent me the same card 2 years in a row for Christmas. When I got pregnant, I knew nothing about her medical history or her health or her pregnancy, labor, or delivery. I was born in 1971 and fathers apparently weren't allowed in delivery rooms, so my dad doesn't know anything. He wouldn't have watched anyway b/c he would have ended up on the floor. I don't know my grandparents on her side. I don't even know where she's from. She didn't want custody of me. I'm just rambling now b/c I've recited these details so many times throughout my life - when I start to tell the story again, it all rushes through my head so fast I get lost and flustered. I guess my point in all of this is to just vent that it amazes me that I'm 37 years old and this woman left my life over 30 years ago and I think about her at some point - even for just a nanosecond at times - almost every day. I even did the write-a-letter-and-tell-her-how-you-feel thing, but I actually sent it. In that letter I told her to forget about me b/c I was forgetting about her - yeah right. Not possible, and that's what I hate! I hate that she is such a bitch and still has an ounce of presence in my life.

Kristina - posted on 12/01/2008

I am with you all the way...All through out my pregnancy [babe is 5.5 months now] I was so lost...and I couldn't handle it when people commented about how good it is to have a mom at this pivotal time in your life....I really wanted to rip their faces off...it hurt so bad.

I am doing so good though, I think...for having such a sh!tty mom my whole life. We can do this!!

Bethany - posted on 11/23/2008

Raising the Jolly Roger of "My Mother Is Evil" and waving it like the freak I am!
this sounds sooooo familiar!
My mother also came out to "help" when my son was born (years after disowning me) and
I was dumb enough to think it was going to be bonding moment that healed past wounds.
Instead, she told me (a new, entirely too young and totally sleep-deprived mother)
that I was "unfit" and that I should give her the baby immediately and she would
raise it as her own. In my bleary-eyed postpartum depressed angst, I told her I'd
rather give the baby to a stranger on the streets of downtown Denver than hand it
over to her. If I were to go back in time, I was do the same only I would add that
while I might not have had any idea what to do with a baby, I could have
put him in a box in the closet and it would have been better than she did with me.
It has taken 10 years, alot of work, and alot of love and patience (with myself and
my son) to get to where I'm at now: totally cut off (dead without the funeral, in my
perspective), and healing every time I connect with my son. When I mess up as a
parent (as we all do sometimes), I no longer feel that surge of self-judgement or fear
that I will "be like her" because at this point, I have proven myself again and again
as a mother and I have developed an unconditional love for myself and my son-
something she was never brave enough to do.
Kudos to you for breaking the cycle of shitty parenting!!!

Crystal - posted on 11/20/2008

I completely understand your fears of turning into your parents. I have them too. I almost wish I could say that there are outside reasons for my parents actions but as best I can see it my father hates me and my mother will do anything (including snub me) to stay friends with him and his new wife. I was lucky enough to have my grandparents raise me (but it didn't hurt any less). Unfortunately, I have since lost my grandfather and now all I have are my baby, my grandma, my husband and his family. I feel completely useless as a mother but I know that I love my little girl and I would die if it meant she would never feel an ounce of pain or hurt. I guess that means we are better then our parents who dealt out pain like it was vitamins.

Stephanie A. - posted on 11/14/2008

I can relate to what you are going through. My mother died almost 2 years ago, and we made peace with one another before she died, but she was a very selfish, uncaring person. She gave me and my 2 brothers to foster families when we were 9(me), 5, and 2. Then when I had my son, she wasn't around til his was about 3, by then he didn't know her at all. She went around wondering why it was hard for her children to relate to her, and eventually, tore her body down with anti-depressants and pain killers, until she died of kidney failure. I tried to relate to her on several different occassions, to no avail. To much had happened in our lives/relationship that we were unmendable. All I could do was make peace with her before she died. That is the only thing that keeps me from having a lifetime of regrets: I tried, she didn't. I'm sure there were times that I was nasty back to her, but she was not a giving mother at all.



NOW, I am doing all I can to not be the same type of mother she was, but to be better in every way. I have put my son first ahead of myself in every situation, and that is all you can do. I agree with Renee, I would definitely limit any involvements between your son adn your mother. If she told you to put him up for adoption, and did not what the joy of being a grandmother, she's probably not going to change. The best thing is to concentrate on your son and being the best mother you can be!

Renee - posted on 11/14/2008

I can kind of understand what you're dealing with. My mom died when I was young and my dad married the evil witch when I was 4 1/2. Your mom sounds very similar to my step-mother. She is very selfish, manipulative and horribly creul- especially when drinking which she does a lot. I have that same "roadmap" you mentioned and the fierce determination to take my life and my son's in the complete opposite direction. I actually broke off all contact with my step-mother about 7 years ago for my own sanity, but if I was still talking to her, I certainly wouldn't let her anywhere near my son. She is toxic and I just don't want that anywhere near my baby! I'm sure cutting ties would be a much harder move to make with your biological mother, but if she's that evil, you may want to consider it or at least seriously limiting contact with her. Dealing with the abuse yourself is one thing, but do you want to subject your son to it? It certainly sounds like she's not going to treat him any better than she's treated you.

Sharon - posted on 11/02/2008

You are in so much pain, and it is so much similar to the pain the others here are feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep your chin up. I hope you feel that you are still very much a part of our community, even though the cause of your pain is a little be different than the rest of us. You are still parenting your child without the guidance of your mom. I feel a littl ebit of your extreme need to parent differently than you were parented, because, while my step mother was not mean or anything like that, she did not meet my needs in many ways, and there are many things about her parenting that I am ACTIVELY trying to avoid. Anyway, I just want you to know that we are glad you are here, and hope we can help you work through some of your pain so that you can parent your son better.