holding this grudge is killing me, yet i cant let it go

Ixchel - posted on 09/04/2011

Yea honey I understand your situations somewhat ??Kinda like mine my mom. Left me for a new husband and then my new sibs which I so love but they have drank the kool-aid that I am crazy and so on anyway if you really want to have a relationship with your mom I would try family counseling to mend all the hurt feelings between the two of you I really feel that you can not just pick up where you left off like nothing happend and move on like you have a great and wonderful relationship form your childhood you need helo and she needs helo to know where she went wrong in her actions to make you feel the way your do. Good luck baby girl and may peace soothe your heart

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2011

My Mom died in Nov at the age of 59. I hadn't talked to her in 5 years because 5 years ago, she was an abusive alcoholic who made my life a living hell any time she had a drink, which was often. The last day we talked (or she yelled rather) I was holding my 2nd son who was about 8 weeks old while she screamed at me. Swore. Called me names. I knew at that moment that I couldn't do it anymore even though I loved her. She was a sick woman.

Today, now that she's dead, I miss her horribly. I'm torn between my hate for her, which is huge and unforgiving and my love for her which is huge and all consuming. I get love-hate. My family wrote the book.

That being said, if I knew 5 years ago that she would die as soon as she did would I still have shut that door? I can honestly answer yes. I couldn't live that way anymore. Full of dread of answering my phone only to get a drunk and pissed off Mom. Full of trying to shield my husband and children from the worst of her when they should only know the best of her. I knew she couldn't change and so, I had to. I had to stop allowing her to do this to me and my life. I did not want my children to ever ask me why 'Nana' was drunk and swearing at me. I was tired of screaming matches on the phone with her that resulted in yet another argument with my husband when I got off the phone. I just couldn't do 'angry' any more.

I regret 5 missed years as she became really ill during that time and had to quit drinking, which pisses me off even more cuz I didn't to enjoy sober Mom, even an ill one. I'm a mess. I'm looking for a path to forgiveness but I don't regret. My job as a Mom to my children is to protect them from harm, from bad and the like. I had no choice. I wish I did. We can't change others we can only change us. I now write her letters on a blog in an effort to heal ( http://nicolekreutzberg.blogspot.com/ ) . Do what you know is right. You already know the answer for your situation and no one but you knows your unique family crazyness. To forgive or not is not a question of doing so at this moment, it's, what will you NOT regret later in life. At some point I know that I am going to have to tell my kids Nana's story and with that, she's going to come off pretty whacked but at least I'll be able to share the good as well and in my heart I will be able to sleep knowing that my kids never had to see her as I had to. Msg me if you want to talk. Take a look at my letters to my Mom...believe me, I come from crazy so I get it.
Hugs!

Rebecca - posted on 03/02/2011

She doesnt seem like she has changed since your childhood. One important question you should ask yourself...Do you want to bring that around your child? Some people never change and our children are better off not being apart of the things we want to protect them from. Remember that what your mom did to you...what would stop her from doing the same to your baby?

Maraea - posted on 09/06/2010

Hi Ashley,
I can fully understand what you are feeling and going through, I too have a nonexistent relationship with my birth mother. It took me 21 years to finally realize that no matter how much I wanted our relationship to be normal like other mothers and daughters, it was never going to happen because she will always have some kind of excuse to never own up to what she had done in the past. Always twisting the truth or just straight out denying that it ever happened. Every time I tried to mend the bridge I just ended up being hurt more and more. I actually went to a councilor for this as it has affected me through my whole life and will probably continue to affect me for the rest of my life.
My advice to you, is to try to forgive her, not for her sake, but for your own, because you are right, it will eat you up and the hurt will never go away if you do not confront it and get pass it. Forgiving her does not mean you are telling her it is OK because it most definitely is NOT ok ! If you can find it in yourself to forgive her for what she has done, then tell her, but I would make sure I made it obvious to her, that she has lost my trust, respect and it will be a hard thing to forget. Just because you forgive her does not mean that you have to let her back into your life, that is a decision that only you can make. If she did not have a positive input in your life and did not make you feel very good then you need to think about your child and how her relationship with her grandmother will make her feel. Will she like having that grandparent in her life or will she feel like you did, and feel rejected. This is your decision and your decision alone (unless you have a husband/partner) and you have every right to no want her to be part of your childs life, once your child is old enough they will be able to make their own decision about having her in their life.
I hope this has helped you in some litte way and I really do hope that you get what you want out of you decision.

Thinking of you
xx
maraea

Marliss - posted on 06/23/2010

I can tell you that my mother was also abusive and a drunk. That is just a long story. She died when i was 11. 4 days after Christmas. Sometimes i think that i was better off with her dying, then there are the times that i wish she was at least a good mother for the short time i had one, then there are the times when i dream of a mother that was there for me teaching me. You can't hold this grudge forever. You said it yourself. If you can trust her apology, then forgive her. Spend the time you can with her and know that she is your mother, she gave birth to you and even though she has faults, and was very wrong, she wont be here on this earth forever. I pray that you can move on and let your children have their Grandma. I never had one of those either. If you can't forgive her, and she dies, you will live with the questions and guilt forever. Take the chance and enjoy the time you have left and be grateful to have a mother. I wish i did...... Good Luck and God Bless.....

Luz - posted on 06/10/2010

I am 54 years old and have never held a grudge I will explain why by doing this you are hurting yourself. You are letting the person who hurt you stay in control and the one that should be in control is you. Speak to her and like Laura says see how she apologizes your heart will tell u if is time to forgive her I advise you to let go. My mom was not an easy person she is gone now but, in spite of everything I miss her a whole lot. Look at the bright side, by being the way she is, she made you strong and I know that you are a wonderful mother. I look at it that way for me. Sometimes things turn out a way for a reason they all don't have to be the right reasons but nevertheless is the only mom you have. One thing I will tell you don't get too close so you would not be disappointed or hurt again. let her see her grandchild but with limitations. Please let it go because, is hurting you very much and also pray let it go give it to God to deal with. He forgives us every time we sin and he also forgets. Please if you want to send me a message in private I am here for you. I have been trough the same as you and I remained a good daughter till the end. Two wrongs don't make a right you be the adult.Good Luck.

Laura Zoey - posted on 05/30/2010

Wow honey that alot.........................well I hope you are a believer in Jesus otherwise I can't advise you much. Pray! Ask god to show you if she is changed. Take the time to listen to her. See if she sounds sincere. Listen to how she apologised. Try to understand her side without thinking about how you felt. Maybe ask someone like a counselor to talk to her to try to discern her sincerity. And then pray more! It won't be easy but don't be shut out of trying. But if you aren't fully confident she is trustworthy then don't let her see your precious daughter! And with a rage like that never alone visits. Again I recognize you may not believe in Jesus but I can't advise outside of my faith because He is so much a part of me. No offence though!