Hope Edelman's book

Sharon - posted on 10/24/2008 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I read a book by Hope Edelman called Motherless Mothers. She also has one called Motherless Daughters that I have not read yet. This author has had a huge impact on my life through her book. It really helped me to explore emotions I have and unique challenges I face as a mother who does not have a mother to turn to for help in those challenging mothering moments. I have a step mom, but she has never been a 'mother' to me, and I can not confide in her. She's a nice lady, just not a mother to me. I have three daughters by birth and three more children, two boys and a girl, by adoption. Parenting is challenging when you have not had the full game modeled for you. Even if you have, and your mom has passed on recently, you still don't have her to call on. So maybe we can provide some of that missing support, here, for one another. If you can, read the book(s) and if not, join in anyway. I'm really hoping it will grow and become something helpful to all of us. And maybe Hope will write another book, with a Christian perspective thrown in, about how God can help to fill that 'hole' in our hearts where our mothers should be.

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Candy - posted on 11/13/2008

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This book got me through this last year. I lost my Mom 7 months before I delivered Savannah. The one take away message that gave me comfort was that through my experience as a mom, I would experience my mother's love for me in a new way....and over the past 9 months it has brought me comfort. Now I understand a mohter's love. I also was inspired to incorporate ways to keep her memory alive for my daughter. A picture of my mom is in the nursey, we say "good morning Grandma Pat our sweet angel in heaven" every morning. Recently Savvy started waving at the pic. I also created a scrapbook that tells my Mom's story. I will read it to Savvy as she grows up. Glad I found this group. Your stories/insights are soooo very comforting.

Linda - posted on 11/03/2008

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Hi Sharon I also lost my mom. She passed 32 years ago when I was ten. I have read Motherless Daughters and I loved the book. It has chapters in it for each age group and how each age reacts. It really helped to show me that my emotions are normal. I now have to get the other one Motherless Mothers. I am so happy I have found this group. My cirlce of friends havent had to face this with the exception of my sweet older sister.

Sharon - posted on 10/27/2008

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I'm glad you found us, and I'm just so glad that I started this. I know how much I miss my mom now and then, and I really don't think anyone who has not lost a mom can really understand, so now, we will have each other. Welcome.

Rosie - posted on 10/27/2008

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I'm sorry for your recent losses. I lost my Mom 4 years ago this month. It was really hard the first year, cause she was my best friend. The past 3 years haven't been as hard, but there are times I miss her terribly. I have no kids left at home, so I really don't have anyone to talk to about the way I feel at times. Sure I have a sister and 2 brothers, but they live 10 hours away, so it's hard to talk to them face to face. My husband is a truck driver, so there goes that idea of talkiing. He's gone a week at a time, so when I do miss my Mom and want to talk to someone, theres noone here to talk to. Hopefully, and I'm sure I will, I will find some solace in talking to you guys when I miss her so much. Thanks.

Sharon - posted on 10/25/2008

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Oh, and our 8-year-old has learning - - well, they are not calling it 'delays' any more - they recently re-classified him as mentally retarded. I was surprised they were still using that term. Anyway he now gets MUCH better services, so I guess we can just not think about the specific label they have put on him. He was speech delayed, but is working through that and not needing so much help in that area any more. The three year old is severely speech delayed and will be re-assessed on the 12th of Nov. and probably start in the special speech-focused preschool we have in our school district, that Ricky went to. It is amazing how much time THAT all soaks up, navigating the special services process at the school. It took us an entire year to get them to recognize that Ricky was actually more than just a delayed kid, that there is more to it than that. But they finally ran a huge battery of tests on him at the beginning of the year this year and when they got the results back it was like, "oh, well, I guess you were right... there is something more going on here..." He moves from the mainstream classroom to a 'structured inclusion' classroom on Monday. They keep saying things like "well, you got what you wanted" I keep saying, "we got what Ricky needed"

Angela - posted on 10/25/2008

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Wow, big family! It must be nice....I've always wanted more kids than I have, but now I feel I am done emotionally and physically. Well, go take care of your kids and yourself and thank you again for your support. It came right when I needed it most.

Sharon - posted on 10/25/2008

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We have kids with allergies too, nothing quite so severe, and stuff that just needs to be avoided, not totally eliminated, so that makes it so much easier, but I do know what you mean about it soaking up your energy. Your 17 year old should learn to cook!!!! : ) She could be a big help. I have found that now that my girls are getting older, they are a huge help with filling that hole. Especially the 12 year old, she is a real emotionally connected person, and it is SO nice to be sharing that kind of a relationship with someone again. Even though I lost my mom at age 7, I remember just being able to talk to her about anything. That is the way Sarah and I are not. I do live in FEAR of something happening, and she or I losing the other one somehow. Don't get me wrong, I'm close with my other kids. There is just a special connection with Sarah, I keep wishing she were the one that I had named after my mom! She's the one on the right in my mug shot. We also have a 14 year old daughter, a 9 year old daughter, and three adopted kids - two boys ages 8 and 5 and a girl age 3. Well, I gotta put the computer down and go be a mom for a bit. you caught me on a good day for the computer - I'm down with a mild flu bug and spending alot of time online to pass the hours. : )

Angela - posted on 10/25/2008

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I definitely feel emotionless and alone in this.....I have, also lost my brother 2 years ago, August (he was only 32). These were two people that I would always go to visit and be able to talk to about my feelings when I was down. My brother had a big heart and loved my kids.

Angela - posted on 10/25/2008

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My kids are 17 and 5......my little man has speech and learning delays and also has allergies to milk and eggs (he is the one I put most of my work into) and for him to see me this way is hard on him. My daughter, on the other hand, is a great help except she is starting complain that I don't cook dinner anymore (yet, when I did cook dinner, she didn't like anything I made, haha).

Sharon - posted on 10/25/2008

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I remember when I read Hopes book and discovered that something like 89% of moms who's mothers are not there for them have issues with post-partum-depression. It was HUGE for me to find out that I was not the only one, and that it was pretty much NORMAL for me to have gone through that. It even helped my husband to understand and support me better simply to know that so many in my situation struggle with that. And this was years afterward. You are not alone, girlfriend, by any STRETCH of the imagination. How old are your kids?

Angela - posted on 10/25/2008

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Thanks to both of you....wow, there are others that actually feel the same way I do.

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Angela, my mother died 8 years ago, and its very hard raising two teenage girls with no one to bounce off questions/issues etc... The way I survived her death (we were very close), was just by going on, slowly. I felt emotionless going through day to day, but had to keep it going for my two little ones (at the tme). Let yourself heal slowly...if you dont feel like cooking, there is always fast/frozen food, if the house is messy, it can wait till tomorrow. You will eventually come back to yourself...you really will! Good friends, although can never fill a void, can help just fill in some time, listen, and hold your hand!! My thoughts are with you.

Sharon - posted on 10/25/2008

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I'm so sorry for your recent loss. I lost my mom when I was a child, and that was hard, but I recently realized that losing your mom while you are a mom to young kids is THE hardest time to lose your mom. I missed my mom SO MUCH during the years that my kids were little (some of them still are, but I'm getting the hang of it now) I felt like I was flying blind, without a guide. I simply can't imagine losing your mom right in the midst of this already challenging time. I'm so sorry. I would HIGHLY recommend getting Hope's book an having a read. It might be hard to get through at first, but I really think you will find it helpful too. Another thing that has really helped me at hard times in my years without my mom, was to journal to her. Basically, because of my religious beliefs, I'm not one that feels she is in heaven watching me. I believe she is resting, waiting for Christs' second coming, so I will get to see her again, and so I write down the things I would want to tell her, if I were to see her again soon. Or the things that I will want to tell her when I do see her again. Journaling has helped me alot. Also, feel free to post here as often as you need to, the rest of us will support you any way we can. Two of my friends who have also recently lost their moms while they are still young mothers themselves, are on my 'invite' list, hopefully they will join and you all can help eachother.

Angela - posted on 10/25/2008

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Funny I stumbled upon this site today as I sit here depressed about not having my mom to talk to....she died 6 1/2 months ago. I'm finding it hard to live my life for my kids while being on my own myself. I've had a hard time keeping the house clean and cooking meals for the kids.....I have a supportive husband, but I feel like my world is gone since I can't even talk to her anymore. Are there any simple ideas to try to get me back into the groove slow and easy so I don't get overwhelmed?

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