Shanna - posted on 02/12/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )
Hello, My name is Shanna. This past January 12th was my moms 5th year in Heaven. Yet, I still carry a heavy burden with me that as her best friend and loving daughter alcohol won when it came to my moms first love. It is very hard for me to this day to deal with her death. I was 22 and had just had my second child who will never know his grandma. I tried very hard to get her help as well as attended AA meetings and help groups for her to overcome her addiction and still tried to maintain my own life as a wife and mother of a 4yr old and newborn. When she was sober she was a completely different person. We would spend time shopping, cooking and just enjoying everyday life. But when she was drinking she was a whole new person. A person who I did not like or even want to be around. When her health started getting bad she was put a donor list for a new liver but she had to stay sober for at least 6 months. That never happened. I was a mess. What would I do without her? No matter what we would call each other everday and whenever I had a problem, a bad or good bad or good new to share she was the first person I would call. And then came the dreadful day that I received a phone call from my brother at work...all he said to me was "it's time". I thought my heart had hit the floor. Within 4 days it was over, her body couldn't fight anymore and shut down. It was the longest 4 days of my life. During those days I spent in the hospital with her I wound up suffering a miscarriage. As much pain as I was in I didnt want to leaver her side so I could hold her hand during her final breath. My husband finally talked me into going to the ER downstairs because I was bleeding so bad....no sooner did the Dr come in to give me the bad news, my brother was right behind me with more bad news. My mom had died.
As mentioned, it has been 5yr now and she is gone but certainly not forgotten. I do not miss her any less today than the day she passed and it just doesnt seem to get easier. My kids are getting older now and the advice that you look to your mom for cannot be given to me. It really helps me to talk about it (or wright) but no one close to me has gone through what I have. I hope to find some support in new friends and lend my ear ( or eyes) to anyone who needs the support I do. Thank you all....