Lost to Alcohol...

Shanna - posted on 02/12/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello, My name is Shanna. This past January 12th was my moms 5th year in Heaven. Yet, I still carry a heavy burden with me that as her best friend and loving daughter alcohol won when it came to my moms first love. It is very hard for me to this day to deal with her death. I was 22 and had just had my second child who will never know his grandma. I tried very hard to get her help as well as attended AA meetings and help groups for her to overcome her addiction and still tried to maintain my own life as a wife and mother of a 4yr old and newborn. When she was sober she was a completely different person. We would spend time shopping, cooking and just enjoying everyday life. But when she was drinking she was a whole new person. A person who I did not like or even want to be around. When her health started getting bad she was put a donor list for a new liver but she had to stay sober for at least 6 months. That never happened. I was a mess. What would I do without her? No matter what we would call each other everday and whenever I had a problem, a bad or good bad or good new to share she was the first person I would call. And then came the dreadful day that I received a phone call from my brother at work...all he said to me was "it's time". I thought my heart had hit the floor. Within 4 days it was over, her body couldn't fight anymore and shut down. It was the longest 4 days of my life. During those days I spent in the hospital with her I wound up suffering a miscarriage. As much pain as I was in I didnt want to leaver her side so I could hold her hand during her final breath. My husband finally talked me into going to the ER downstairs because I was bleeding so bad....no sooner did the Dr come in to give me the bad news, my brother was right behind me with more bad news. My mom had died.

As mentioned, it has been 5yr now and she is gone but certainly not forgotten. I do not miss her any less today than the day she passed and it just doesnt seem to get easier. My kids are getting older now and the advice that you look to your mom for cannot be given to me. It really helps me to talk about it (or wright) but no one close to me has gone through what I have. I hope to find some support in new friends and lend my ear ( or eyes) to anyone who needs the support I do. Thank you all....

Shanna

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8 Comments

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Yorelle - posted on 12/04/2009

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I cannot believe I am reading my own stgory out of yours! My mother passed when I was 13 years old due to alcohol abuse. She made ulcers in her stomach, that erupted in her sleep. It's very hard to talk about, I pretty much raised my little brother, who is in a rehab himself, for drugs and behavior issues. My mom had two different personalities. The eprson she became when she was drinking would scare my brother and I so much that we would hide in the closet, and fall asleep in there together, crying. My brother and I were told we weren't allowed to tell anyone my mom was still drinking, considering the rest of the family was told she had stopped. Now I live with my aunt, who is so amazing. She cut my umbilical cord, because my father was in Israel, still is. My mom's reason for drinking was because she was very self-conscious(was bullimic), and also my brother and I had life-threatening birth defects known as craniosynostosis (a skull disorder), and I had tetrology of fallot (a heart condition) I still need a pulmonary valve replacement. So I feel like we connect Shanna, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss, but I want you to know there is someone who understands, and I will be here to talk to. :) My mom also just became a grandmother, I just had a little boy 3 months ago. We just took him to her gravestone, where we had a picture of her engraved, so he could meet his grandma.

Cheryl - posted on 06/04/2009

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firstly i am sorry for all of you that have lost your mums my mum left me when i was 14 she is an alcoholic and i dont see her very often as she moved away so my dad brought me and my 2 sisters up by himself and he did a great job i am so proud of him but this past year he has been suffering with depression and has started drinking he has had blood tests and his liver function is poor so going to hospital for more tests the thing is he is still drinking and i dont know wat to do anymore he doesnt listen to anyone and he says he wants to die but doesnt have the guts to do anything about it i am constantly worried and scared any advise pls

Zara - posted on 05/23/2009

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i too lost my mum to alcohol! it will be 4 years in aug. i didn't have any commitments and i remember standing at her bedside crying because i knew she would never meet her grand-children! not only was my mum battling this disease but my dad was forced to divorce her for the sake of my sister, who by the time my mum past was only 13, my mum was placed in a ymca and there she met more alcoholics and drug abusers ( the worst place to be put if you are trying to fight addiction) there she met Jake, he smuggled alcohol into the hospital wards- even when she was on life support he tried putting it down her throat! i cannot forgive him! i see him from time to time and i want to physically kill him! sorry im just babbling random things that are still eating me up, if you need to talk (or type) i'm here and i know what it feels like to watch the destruction!
Zara x

Hild - posted on 04/11/2009

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Shanna,



I really identified with your story. I worked with my mother for over 20 years to beat alcohol and drugs and she never could. Amazingly her body held up through all the substance abuse, 5 cancers and congestive heart failure. I finally had to come to the place where I could say to myself that I was a good daughter, that my love for my mother was real but that it was not within my power or ability to save her from herself. Once I was able to accept that I had a better relationship with her and her antics didn't drive me so batty. When she died in 2007 I cried and cried, I wasn't ready to let go. The challenge now is to learn to care for myself, my husband and my beautiful children and remember her for the good she brought but not allow the pain of her past overshadow the joy of my future. That has been a difficult journey but I am coming to a place of peace and joy. God bless you and I look forward to future messages. Hild

Marlene - posted on 03/11/2009

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Hi Shannon,



I lost my mother to cancer when I was 14 and my father was an alcoholic. His alcoholism got worse after my mom died and he abused me verbally, physically & sexually. I knew that he was very, very sick, but I was also very young and this affected me deeply. I ended up having to go through extensive counseling to help me get through this, but I didn't start until after my dad had died 17 yrs later. You said that you used to go to AA meetings with your mom and try to help her to quit. When your mom died, I'm sure that you've had a lot of guilt feelings because of not being able to "save" her. Unfortunately alcoholism is a disease and the only way they will seek sincere help is if they're ready to do something about it. One of the best things you can do now, is to go back & attend Alanon meetings (for family members of alcoholics) and possibly seek some other type of counseling. Some people heal quickly just by talking about it to their friends, family or a pastor, but others, like myself, need to seek professional help. I truly hope you get the help you need or it can dissolve your marriage and cause a lot of other problems. Good Luck & God Bless! I'll be praying for you.



Marlene

Amie - posted on 03/11/2009

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I dont know why it is so hard for me to resopnd right now but i will soon and in more detail. I just want you to know that our stories are very simular and i can truly ,deep down say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! I thought i was further in the recovery process of loosing my mom than i am , reading your comment just taught me that. The only diffrence really is that both of my parents have passed and my father was my best friend. Heres a hug from me to you its not much but its what i need right now .



thanks,



Amie

Martha - posted on 02/17/2009

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Dear Shanna:



You are a wonderful daughter.  How amazing that you stood by her - how hard you worked to help her be sober.  You are amazing.  Now, you will take care of your family and tell your children wonderful stories about their grandmother. They don't need to know the bare truth until they are older.  I know your mom was proud of you.  And don't take it personally that she couldn't stop drinking long enough to get a new liver.  It had nothing to do with you or the kids.  (My brother died recently of the same thing.)  Keep coming back for support.  Or just to vent.  It's okay.



Best,



Martha

Jami - posted on 02/12/2009

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Hey, I posted on your profile wall, but I meant to mention, after my mom passed from her disease, my dad turned heavily to alcohol. He is a recovering alcoholic now, 11 years later, but for the first 7-8 years, it was extremely rough. He too was a different person when sober. It broke my heart what it did to our relationship. I want to commend you for trying to help your mom, doing all you did and still being a mom and a wife at the same time. Believe me when I say I know that struggle all too well. I wasn't married to my hubby now at the time. I was married previously, but it all took a major toll on that relationship and those I dated afterwards. I can't imagine having had kids at the beginning of all that. My oldest was 5 when my dad stopped drinking. Had it not been for the continual support of my husband now, I don't think I would have made it thru all that with my mom passing and my dad's drinking. There were so many times I just wanted to crawl in a hole. Good for you for holding it together and not having a complete meltdown.



I also suggested that maybe we add each other to facebook profile on my wall post to you. That way I will be sure not to overlook anything you may write back(I do check this frequently, but still getting used to circle of moms site). If you are interested in that just let me know.  Good to have made a new friend on here!  I feel like we may have alot in common. I too held my mom's hand as she passed. The stress of it all left me unable to conceive I believe for almost a year. (as a side note, I too have had a miscarriage, they are hard enough to get through when nothing else is going wrong. I'm sorry you went thru so much all at the same time. You are one tough lady!  Looking forward to hearing back from you. Take good care of yourself girl. bye for now. ---jami--

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