Joanie - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )
My name is Joanie and lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 7...she was 34. I try to hold on to as many memories as I can but most of them are just what other people have told me about her. For many years I thought that I had killed her. When my dad told us she sick I thought we just had to take better care of her but then he had to tell us she was going to heaven and we wouldn't see her anymore. After hearing that, I couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital. My dad didn't push and told me he would take me whenever I was ready...well a couple weeks past and my mom was going, she couldn't write or talk anymore and the nurses begged him to bring me in, she was waiting to see her little girl. So naturally my dad tricked me into going to see her. I walked in the room and she turned and said "sugar" (her nickname for me) She passed the next morning. So I thought if I didn't go she would still be alive. Obviously I know now how ridiculous that is but I spent most of my years resenting her for leaving us. I played the "poor me" card way too many times in my life. It still feels like yesterday and I'm 30 now. I missed her on holidays, birthdays, prom, and of course my wedding day however it wasn't until I was pregnant that it really hit me. I cried more for her during my pregnancy than I ever had in my life. It is now that I look into my sons eyes and wonder how hard it was for her knowing she was leaving her babies. I feel so horrible for all those years I didn't understand. My son is 3 now and says goodnight to "Grandma Lizzie" every night and blows her kisses to her picture. I know she would just adore him and it just makes me so sad that she is missing out on this. I never realized how much I would need her until I had a baby of my own....I don't know, I just miss her....
Thanks for letting me vent