Missing her

Joanie - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi,
My name is Joanie and lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 7...she was 34. I try to hold on to as many memories as I can but most of them are just what other people have told me about her. For many years I thought that I had killed her. When my dad told us she sick I thought we just had to take better care of her but then he had to tell us she was going to heaven and we wouldn't see her anymore. After hearing that, I couldn't bring myself to go to the hospital. My dad didn't push and told me he would take me whenever I was ready...well a couple weeks past and my mom was going, she couldn't write or talk anymore and the nurses begged him to bring me in, she was waiting to see her little girl. So naturally my dad tricked me into going to see her. I walked in the room and she turned and said "sugar" (her nickname for me) She passed the next morning. So I thought if I didn't go she would still be alive. Obviously I know now how ridiculous that is but I spent most of my years resenting her for leaving us. I played the "poor me" card way too many times in my life. It still feels like yesterday and I'm 30 now. I missed her on holidays, birthdays, prom, and of course my wedding day however it wasn't until I was pregnant that it really hit me. I cried more for her during my pregnancy than I ever had in my life. It is now that I look into my sons eyes and wonder how hard it was for her knowing she was leaving her babies. I feel so horrible for all those years I didn't understand. My son is 3 now and says goodnight to "Grandma Lizzie" every night and blows her kisses to her picture. I know she would just adore him and it just makes me so sad that she is missing out on this. I never realized how much I would need her until I had a baby of my own....I don't know, I just miss her....
Thanks for letting me vent
Joanie

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Emily - posted on 07/27/2010

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Joanie,. I miss my mom so bad too. She knew I was pregnant before she died. I was 12 wks when she passed away. She died 3 days after her birthday. October is going to be really hard. She passed the 24th and her birthday was the 21st. I totally understand how you feel crying so much during your pregnancy. I cried even more after my baby was born. She was born at 27 wks and was in the NICU for 3 months. How I longed to have my mom with me! Those days in the NICU were so long, and I just held my daughter and cried! I still talk to her as if she can hear me, I guess it helps. I love her so, and my daughter will know about her when she gets older! Oh, and Joanie, sometimes it really does just help to vent. Have a nice day.
Emily

Kareina - posted on 07/03/2010

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Continue from previous... Later n greater years ..........

Brent n continually searched for places where we could find God. God took us to many churches where i became more free. God says n his word he will give us Pastors according to his heart. There were many different levels of healing i needed. Many different pastors to share it. Not all pastors minister on the same level of anointing.
My final freedom came, now 10 years later, into my and my husbands life.
I truly found God's freedom. I stopped dwelling n my past hurts n pains n allowed him to set me free from my :junk in my trunk"
To this day, i know who i am in Christ. i am not a lezzi and will not allow the Devil to accuse, deceive, confuse me on that. I know my identity in God and myself as well. I received complete healing in my emotions this year. I trust my husband completely now. He finally is free. Thank God he never left my side, he is my miracle from God. I received the spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind.
Wow this is amazing. God has completely set me free. It feels amazing to be free of doubt, fear, and unbelief. I encourage u to be free if not already. If u don't believe in God i encourage u to as well. If it wasn't for God i would of committed suicide all those attempted times, and my husband would have gave up on me and left me.
The Praise Report from this, who i am today:
Brent is a Praise n Worship Leader n free to be his self wo his wife ?ing his every move.
I am FREE to be me. I know who i am. I am a woman of God w 2 amazing boys. They r 9 and 7. I have an amazing husband of going of 11 years that i love and wouldn't abuse for nothing again. I know my female id now, w no questions. I am no longer afraid to be around a lezzi n don't judge them. I once was tempted, but praise God i saw that was a lie from Satan. It actually disgusts me now.
I no longer have lots of anger n pain of missing my mothers. My real mom may have ditched me, then she died when i was 15 i think of aids. They tried to get me to go c her n hospital. Wish i would of, but i didn't know her. I forgave her n moved on.
I have days now, @ age 30, where i just want my mommy to hold me. I do have days where i just cry n cry to talk n see her, i do have days where it hurts that my real parents didn't love me enough to keep me n cry alot. That will be a continual healing process till i get to Heaven. The awesome thing is, i can function as a normal human being now. The only set back i am still working on is as i meet new friends, even sometime my old ones, i will continually ask them if they are mad or offended at me. That is in fear that they 2 will leave me. Every one else in my life did except my amazing husband. So i still struggle with the acceptance of true friends and not fair weather. I cry many days for some one to be my close friend i can talk to when about girl things my hubby don't understand. lol
I this year, have become close to many new gals. I do have different closeness with each one. We all go n do fun things together. We listen to each other's problems, n pray each other through. Is amazing to be free to be me, n know how to speak God's words over Satan's lies about who i am.
I have one friend i believe i pushed away bc of my fear of rejection though. We started off close, n i pushed her away by being to pushy of my love for her. She has a very busy life. I am hoping one day to be close to her as a BF, but that is in God's hands. My husband and children r my first concern, outside of God. I love them so much.
I am so grateful Brent never left me, don't know how it stuck the mental abuse out. Yes i do, by the wonderful power n grace of God.
Our relationship is the best it has ever been. He is free from my dis-trust and i am free in my mind. My children are happy as well
I minister @ church as a children's church director and the dance team leader. We counsel and have over many hurting children as well as those not hurting. Brent shares God's word in music, i share it in testimony and messages, sometimes preaching or teaching-sometimes just chat n.
I thought i was over n done, but God.....
I have the faith from God to overcome any battles or struggles we encounter. The God in me is greater than any problem the Devil brings. My heart's desire is to continue to be a amazing wife n mother to my boys, and to be an amazing and loyal friend to anyone who desires a true friend. God n my family come first, but i love meeting new people and forming everlasting best n close friends. There is no harm in someone having lots of close friends, i just had to learn to balance them all. hee/hee
I wonder if anyone will read all this, or stop after the 3rd paragraph, lol.
If any of u out there from this circle of moms need to talk im here. Just reach out. I love sharing the love of God with anyone. No matter if u don't know God, hate God, r hurting n been abused, living as a lezzi, or just need a friend to talk to i would love to be your friend. May we encourage each other in the love the only God can give, may we never reject anyone hurting and seeking friends. No one is better than anyone else or should be to busy to keep in touch with those who love us. If u decide i am the kind of friend u are searching for, i will never b to busy to write u back. My email address is:
kareinabreazeale@yahoo.com
The only thing i won't do is debate about God and his word or argue about anything. This is only an offer of true friendship, not someone to try n hurt or argue with. Pls. only email me for that reason.
I love u all and hope to hear from u soon.
Just remember : There is nothing impossible or to big for God.
:)

Kareina - posted on 07/03/2010

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Hi ya'll. :) I to would like to share little bit of my story. Hope to be an encouragement to you. My biological mother called my granddad one dad n said if he wanted me, @ age 2 1/2 to come n get me. My granddad said get her to me now. They told me it my my grandmother-then adopted me, so my mom- 3 baths to get me clean. Parents were drug users and alcoholics.
Well, when i was 11 the grandmom, i knew as mommy, cam to walk me home from the lock in @ church i was @. WE got half way home n i said to mom that i was going home n going to bed, what about you? She gave me no response, i thought that was weird. WEll, we kept walking n she began to say my chest is hurting. Clueless, i encouraged her to keep walking, cause was just not even half block away to our house. She pushed as hard as she could till we got half way up 2nd flight of stairs, then i ran in and got dad (granddad). He immediately helped her in, as she sat in the easy chair she began to vomit. I started get so scared. I kept going back in forth from my kitchen, their bedroom where she was, n my room. I was freaking out i asked mom if i could go back down to where Elaine- a lady i looked up to growing up cause she had 4 kids- was. She finally after me asking more than once said "go on and stop aggravating me". She was talking about back to my room. So i just went to my room. Can't remember what i did when i got in there. But, i do remember as the ambulance got their, they told me to tell her bye as they were taking her out on stretcher. I remember just staring at her wondering what was wrong, and not saying nothing. Well, needless to say, i don't remember getting to see her, they said i was to young to.
Well, i was n study hall in school, and someone came into my class room and said i needed to get my stuff i was leaving. Yeah! i thought my mom is better and n a different room n i could see her; now being i think 3 -4 days later, my dad's birthday, that i was fixing to get to see my mommy. I remember the long ride -which was only bout 6 blocks away - back to my cousins house. My aunt sat me n my two other cousins down in a circle in their living room to tell me the worst news ever. My mom had died. I just went outside n cried n cried.
After that i bc a loner. She was all i knew. She slept w me till right bf she died, she always would hold me on her lap. I wouldn't let her leave me as well. I was spoiled n mean to her, but she knew i loved her. I didn't get my way once n told her i hated her n wish she would die. Wishin she would of busted my but n explained to me what i just said, she never would. She always felt sorry for me and loved me like no other. I was very clinging to my mom.
Well, time passed. My grandad-dad- always worked n so i would just roam the streets playin. I mostly stayed over @ my neighbors house. They became my 2nd family. Dad would usually hand me 20 each day to show his love n so when wandering the streets i could buy me some chips n stuff @ the store.I remember trying to cook for my dad. Fried chicken w shake n bake. I was clueless. My aunt usually cooked for us every night.
His children, my step brothers n sisters hated me. I was a mean child, due to rejection and lack of discipline. They also hated me cause i always fought their children cause they stayed at my house every day taking my toys away from me. Was very selfish. I hate how i acted but i know mom knew i loved her. My cousins grew far from me, very understandable. I didn't apologize to them until later on in life.
I totally understand u 2. It was very painful growing up losing a mom, i lost 2. I only remember my "grandmother". She was my world, i loved her so much. I became at age 12 more quiet. Well, my dad asked me one day if i wanted to go back n live w my real dad, or my sister by adoption. I said no i wanted to live w my dad. I later found out they wanted me because of a monthly check that came to me.
At age 12, i was staying at my adopted sister's house. Was a very normal routine for me. I loved going over there bc they had a pool, yippe right? Well, use to be. One night while my bro in law was tickeling my back, a normal thing for me, i loved it. He went on down, yep he abused me. Every time i went back ther he would. I didn't understand y, but each time i would get more upset. Finally one day, i stood up n told him no. he demanded me remove my underwear, but i refused. After that night, i wouldn't go over there as much.
Well, my dad -grand dad- remarried. Step mom hood. I hated her for years. She was very strict on me, so i thought. Teaching me how to respect my dad n clean house. lol.
Well, they would take trips n they would make me stay at my bro-in-law's house. They didn't have a clue what he would do to me. He told me, at age 13 now to never tell anyone. I didn't.
I then began to turn to the wild side of life. I didn't sleep around thankfully, but i began to smoke, get angry n punch holes in my walls, i became a cutter-felt so good to let out my pain. I was just flat out mean from hurting. My parents didn't know y i was being so mean, my step-mom told my dad to do something w me, like send me off or something. They also threatened to call the police after finding a cigarette butt in my room, oops.
To sum up my life. After about 3 years of Hell on Earth, i met God. I finally became nice to my dad n not throw any more fits to get my way. He as well had a heart attack. My biological dad sat me in his bedroom n told me to be a better kid that i was causing him to have heart attacks. I know i was mean, but he should of said that more differently. I then began to see n feel like my mom's death was my fault to, my next door neighbors child-my BF- told me it was as well. I thought if i wouldn't have been so mean, or if wouldn't have made her keep walking she would still be here. I was causing everyone pain.
It was until after i was married until i saw the truth of my life. I finally let it out about being abused. Wow, that felt good. God sent me someone to help me get free from 7 years of pain of holding it in, not understanding y i couldn't tell anyone. He didn't wanna go to jail. urgh..
My husband was very patient w me. We went through different stages while i got free. When first married i was a perfectionist n would dream every night he would cheat on me. I would cry as well asking him if he thought my dad was going to die. I was very fearful of going to sleep. Dr. put me on med to help me sleep @ night.
About 2 years into our marriage, i became very abusive to my husband. The things i was feeling on the inside of my heart and soul i would call him. I name called him for the next year or so. My amazing husband didn't leave me, just continued to pray n love me. I would always ask him to forgive me, but u know that hurt him.
2001 - after having our first child- i finally got counseling. I began to trust my hubby better. This "woman pastor" was trying to help me get free from my past. Well, she was doing great. Then one day i asked her if she ever looked up to anyone. I told her how much i looked up to Elaine-lady mentioned above. She said no, and started treating me like that wasn't ok, like i was gay or something. I knew i wasn't at that time, but began to ? if i was bc of her reaction. I had remembered how my sister -my bro n laws- wife would continually look in the shower on me and come in the bathroom when i would be changing-regardless of my trying to lock door. That one didn't lock. Needless to say, i didn't know that was a lezbian spirit after me. I began to become more curious as a child n looked n the shower on a family friend. I knew i wasn't gay, but didn't understand y those curiousities were there.
My husband n I got tired of driving such a long distance to get tho their church, so this nice woman asked us if we wanted to live w her until we found an apt. WE did. She was very nice to welcome us in. After a week of being there i noticed one day she was cleaning her table n flaunting er chest in front of me. Disgusted me. I asked her if she like woman n men, her response was yes. I told her well, i don;t like woman like that. All was fine, so i thought.
Long story-lol- bear w me or just delete if u want, hee/hee

Well, about 4 months of attending this "church" the BF of the pastor left the church. The pastor then became very mean n starting becoming a "fasle prophet." She really caused some hurt in our life. WE finally, after God showing us, left that church n moved back to the place we were from. Well, my son was 8 months old now. I began to start having sever panic attacks. I didn't have a clue what they were n couldn't control them. I became bed ridden. Couldn't eat, sleep, or shower without my husband standing by my side. He actually became very angry n didn't understand y i couldn't stop shaking.--
He wasn't mad at me, but he was mad bc he didn't at the time know how to make it stop. He never left my side, or gave up on me. His mother, bc i me continually calling the mental institute to talk me through each panic episode, told him to go ahead n take me up there n leave me. We were now living w her, due to fact that my husband had to work, n i couldn't watch my son. My husband, Brent, didn't take her advice n keep on praying for a miracle. As i was going through God would speak to me here n there. Through TD Jakes-woman thou are loosed- reccomend anyone read this- n Joyce Meyer. The Bible and those 2 were the only things i could focus on. I would pray every day for 2 weeks "God has not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind" I was praying that by faith hoping i would get that sound mind. ---
I was anorexic again for 2nd time in my life. I looked horrible! It was Christmas n i was dopped up on my son's 1st Christmas. Thankfully Brent's mom had me come in the room where they were opening up presents for me to watch my son, Gabe, open presents. My heart hurts to this day knowing i missed his 1st Christmas. But its ok.
After 2 weeks of being bed ridden n waiting on the Paxil to kick n to help my imbalance, i finally began to regain strength n a clearer mind. I realized the fear i was having was from my past. All the hurts, pains, rejections, n abuse. That was the 1st root to the problem. The 2nd was i became very scared n fearful that i was going to become a lezzi. I knew i didn't want to. The Devil put ?s in my mind about my curiousty as a child. I didn't know my identity. Was i or wasn't i was always my fear. I was attending a church @ the time that knew how to pray. Well, one night after an hour n half of a group of ladies praying for me, and the whole church still there in pew praying as well, i began to get more free. I told them my fear n that i didn't want to fear that that i loved my husband. God released peace n my heart that night. I wasn't completely free yet, but began a new journey in life to breaking free n becoming who God was calling me to be. me ...
Continued on next post...... if u aint bored yet, lol....

Joanie - posted on 07/01/2010

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Cat~
First let me say how sorry I am for your loss...my best friend and I are always saying that no matter how bad you have it, someone else always has it worse. She also has suffered a great loss, she had a stillborn at 37 wks. We both say that we "get" how each other feels but will never KNOW how the other truely feels and I have to tell you that as infortunate as it is, it does feel good to know that someone out there really does know how I feel. I always tell myself how ridiculous it is but until you are put in that situation, you can't say anything. I do have an older brother but even he will never know I how I feel, nor will I understand how he feels...it's two totally different relationships. Thank you so much for posting, I too cried at your story, back to my friend and I, we always said someone else always has it worse...I don't know how I would cope had I had 16 yrs with my mom, on one hand you were so fortunate to have her through your early teens yet I feel like you had it worse because you knew her and were old enough to know what was happening...but then again I envy you in that you got to say goodbye...am I making sense? Probably not...I've seen a few psychic mediums to try to feel close to her or just to get a message that she knows that I keep her alive in me and to maybe have some closure yet I've yet to have one blow me away...have you ever seen one?

I hope you know what an amazing person you are! As hard as it was for you to tell your mom that it was ok to go, she needed that and you in a sense saved her. She isn't suffering anymore and you gave her that precious gift. I believe that they held on for us and know with all my heart that I too would hold on for my son as I'm sure you would and would only go knowing that he would be ok, so all we can do now is hold on to their memories and let them live on through us, that's what they would want. I try not to be sad but happy and proud that she was mine and try to be as a good a mother to my baby as she was to me. Which is why I think it's so hard, I remember when we brought him home and holding him during the wee hours and he would stare into my eyes and I swear into my soul and I couldn't help but wonder if her and I shared that too, or when I'm at my wits end and just need that pep talk that I'm doing a good job and need to hear it from her but she's not here. I am fortunate to have a step-mother who loves me uncoditionally and a mother-in-law that has been my rock through my whole pregnancy and beyond. My son was just recently diagnosed with a high functioning form of autism and would not have been able to get through all the tests and such without her.

I hope that I too can be some comfort for you. I can honstly say I know how you feel and think you are an amazing daughter and mother. I am always here if you need to vent as well....thanks again for posting. Take care
~Joanie

Catherine - posted on 06/30/2010

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Hi Joanie wow! if you could see me right now, my eyes are flooded with tears after reading your story. I so get the blame thing ... when my step dad told me my mum was terminally ill (I was 14) it consumed me, I carried this burden which manifested into anger through highschool. Every school holidays she seemed to turn for the worst & so we as a family would spend every day at the hospital, I kept telling myself I would never let her go, I couldnt she was my whole world! It didnt matter what the drs said somehow I made myself believe that I had the power to hold on to her. She physically sufferred for the next 2 years, she lost her hair, her sight on both eyes, she deteriorated. She was a beautiful woman who always took care of herself & it was so hard watching her deteriorate. One night I came home from my then bf's house & my dad told me to sit with her. She was in her bed, she was no longer conscious, her breathing was heavy. I was 16, I still had no idea how bad a state she was in. I laid next to her for about an hour & talked to her for a bit about funny things that had happened at the time. Then I laid there in silence & in my mind I was thinking about her life as I knew it & I had thought about her sufferring. Before I left her room to go to bed, I had looked at her & felt very selfish because everyday I told myself I would never let her go & so for the first time I whispered to her & said mum if you want to go I will let you go. I told her I couldnt bear to watch her suffer like that anymore & that I was ready to let her go. I told her I loved her & got ready for bed. She passed away less than an hour later. For years I blamed myself that If I hadnt said that she would still be here... I know how crazy that sounds but I know you can understand this. And I have missed her everyday since, especially all those special ocassions, but none more so than when I was pregnant & now that I have my beautiful baby boy. I too cried more for her during my pregnancy than I ever have in my life, I felt like I lost her all over again it was unbearable. And sometimes it still is.

As for you feeling horrible for not understanding ... how could you have ?? you were 7 years old! One day when your son reaches this age, you may understand the mind that you would have had when you lost your mum & hopefully you will be kinder on yourself. I dont have any words of comfort to ease your pain of her absence & the pain of needing more than ever as I feel it too & no one can ease this for me either. I only hope that by me, even though a stranger to you, telling you I understand & that you are not alone that it warms your heart even for just a moment. I am here anytime if you need to vent. Take care of yourself & that beautiful baby boy.
Cat

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