still can't believe she's gone

Amy - posted on 07/21/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My mom passed away in August of last year and I switch back and forth between being unable to believe she's gone and being angry and sad about how unfair it all is. When she passed away, I was 8.5 months pregnant with my first baby and her first grandchild. Now every night after my son falls asleep, I hold him and cry and think about how unfair it is that my mom never got to hold him, that he will never know his grandmother and that I don't have my mom to share my experiences with as a mother.

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LaShonda - posted on 02/14/2010

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My mom passed away Christmas Eve 2002, 6 moths after my daughter was born. She had been sick all her life and hated going to the doctor. When she finanlly did go to the doctor it was to late. The cancer she had was spreading fast through her body and she ened up in the hospital two weeks after I had my daughter and then she was in there again in Octor of 2002. And stayed in there for a whole a month and then was put in a nursing home until she died. My mother was not the best mother, ut she did the best that she could do she was a single mother raising a child on her own with no job at all. she did not always buy me the things I neede so I had to get them on my own the best way that I could. She raised me how she was raised and the day she died was the worst day of my life cause my mother was not going to be with me any more I remember the day she died just like it was yesterday. There use to be a time that I was not able to talk about her without crying. Now I can talk about her and not cry. It just gets easier as time goes by, but it still does not fill that void in your life. your mother is the one you can always go to and talk to whenever you have a problem or just to have a conversation with or even talk about your day or get advice on a problem or situation that is bothering you. Sometimes you might just need a shoulder to cry on and your mother is that shoulder. Losing you mother is a terrible thing, but it helps make you stronger and more resposible for your actions. It makes you a stronger person inside and out.

Tiffany - posted on 01/11/2010

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My mother passed away in Oct of 2008, just after I got married. I found out I was pregnant in Nov and it was very hard for me to understand why should couldn't be here for it. She died suddenly so I also felt that anger and sadness. I used to sit in my sons nursery and rock reading books to him before he was born and I can't recall ever getting thru a book without feeling some emotion and getting upset. I would then talk to the ceiling wondering why she couldn't be here when he was born. Everyone always said,"well at least she made it to your wedding", but that wasn't very encouraging. I couldn't imagine not being here now for my child and it has been one of the hardest things to do. Everytime Zach does something new and amazing or when I don't know how to calm him down when he is crying, I reach for the phone wanting to call my mom, but she isn't going to answer. That is when reality sets in and I have to face that she is gone. I look thru pic books with Zach now and show him pics of his grandma and tell him stories about her. I think that is all I can do. I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that you know you are not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to email me! It is hard not having that mother stone there, but with the help of good friends and family, it makes it just a little bit easier!

Talk care,
Tiffany

Sheryl - posted on 12/24/2009

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I can so relate. i am sorry. My mom got to see her grandchildren grow up...she got a second chance on life, and since she is gone all i think about is that she won't see my daughter graduate high school, her married, great grand children!!! So my point is...no matter when we lose them we think about what they will miss and when they are not here for us. I just had surgery, and not to have her with me was the hardest thing ever...she was my rock, my best friend.
I think I grew from it though, and I made it through! All that helps me is to think about the good times we had and the love I got from her...after all I can't get her back, as much as I wish I can!!!
Maybe when you hold your son at night...think of it that there is a piece of her in him, and you are actually hugging her too. I know it is hard, but that is what I would do.
There is not a day that goes by without me missing her, and she has been gone a year and a half (May). It helps to know that thee are others out there that have the same feelings as me...so i thank you for posting

Lori - posted on 12/14/2009

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I understand what you all are going through. My mom passed away 6 years ago when I was 23. I am an only child so it has been really rough for me not having any siblings and I don't have a big family. My daughter will be 2 soon and I also show her pictures of my mom and tell her things about her. I cry all time that I wish I could just talk to her. I think when you are a first time mom you wanna ask your mom all kinds of questions and things they did and I couldn't do that. Right after I had my daughter I had the baby blues and cried all the time, I know my mom would have been right by my side helping me through it all. My husband is great but there is nothing like your mom. My husband sometimes doesn't get why I am so attached to my daughter and I try to tell him that there is no greater bond then a mother and daughter.

Stacey - posted on 12/13/2009

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Amen! My mother has been gone for 2 yrs and 1 month, and it's no easier. My daughter is 4 months old and had a rough start to this life, was in NICU for a month,ect. It's sooo hard not having my mom to talk to, and to know that Juleanna, my daughter won't ever know her kills me inside a little everytime I actually let myself think about it. I had the best parents ever and to have to accept that she will never know them is damn near impossible for me to wrap my head around. All I know is there are 2 things in this life I wish I could have and that's for my parents to know Juleanna, and to just hear my mom tell me that I'm doing a good job. Thats so hard for me. I guess everyone wants their mom to be proud of them and wants to know their doing a good job and they are a good mother. You hear it from others, but it's just not the same.
I do the same thing Amy...hold my little girl and cry for what she'll never have. Then I cry for myself that I don't have her to ask questions to, to share my fears with (cause after all that's the one person in my life I knew would never judge, no matter what) and just dang it, I want my best friend back! Oddly enough, my mothers name was Judy as well.

Jamie - posted on 12/06/2009

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I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I am new to this circle of moms thing. I am thankful to have found this site because i still feel like it was just yesterday that she died. I lost my mom 5 yrs ago. I found out i was 4mos. pregnant one month after she died. I also still feel anger for how unfair it is to have them taken from you when you need them most. I do understand what you are going through and i can tell you that although it hasnt gotten any easier for me i have been able to come to a sort of peace with it. I keep pictures of her by my childrens beds and tell them stories about the things she taught me. Sometimes i can talk about her easily and sometimes i cant even think about her that it doesnt make me cry. I find that the more i can talk and relate to people about it the more it helps me come to terms with it. I dont know if this was helpful or useful but i hope it was.

Amy - posted on 08/18/2009

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Ashley, I'm sorry you lost your mom when you were so young, and I don't think it's weird at all that you show your son pics of your mom. Since my Mom passed away I've added more photos of her around the house b/c I want my son to recognize her (and he's only 10 months :) ). We look at the photos and I tell him that's his Grandma Judy who loved him very much. I feel for you about your relationship with your fiance's mom. My mother-in-law is helpful too, but our relationship can be hard at times. I think having lost my mom makes it harder b/c in a way I resent the time my mother-in-law spends with my son b/c my mom didn't get that chance. I know that's probably wrong of me and I try hard not to let that show, but deep down it's there. I feel this group has been a good outlet for me, so if you need to talk more I'm here.

Ashley - posted on 08/16/2009

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Hi Amy I'm sorry to hear about your mom, my son also will never meet his grandma and it bothers me really bad. My mom passed away almost 6 years ago, I was only 14. I'm now 20 with a 13 month old boy and he's my life. I also wished i could have shared all my wonderful experiences with her (even though she knew all about it after being a mom to 4 kids). But i know you know what i mean. I often find myself very upset about it. He has 1 grandma and thats my fiances mom, BUT her and i dont get along very well, but she helps tremendously. I always wanted him to know his grandma but i have pictures of my mom i show him, and tell him thats his grandma.. Yeah maybe a little wierd since he's only 13 months old but i feel thats the right thing to do. I loved my mom to pieces as many of us, she was the only one i could talk to and now..... I have noone. Anyway I hope to talk to you all some more!

Amy - posted on 07/28/2009

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Jen, thanks for your response. It is helpful to know that there are other moms out there like me. I was so relieved to find this group. My mom too was motivated during her illness by the upcoming birth of her grandbaby. She kept telling her doctors that she needed to be well by October. We just never thought she wouldn't still be with us when my son was born. Things with her health started falling apart really quickly at the end. I'm glad that your mom had a little time with your daughter, although I know that does not make the loss any easier. thanks again for your support.

Jen - posted on 07/22/2009

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I totally hear you. My mom got a little bit of time with my daughter, but she just turned 4 this week. My mom had planned on being here for this b'day (she lived on the East Coast, and we're on the West Coast). My mom died in May, and not a day goes by that I don't absolutely ache for her. She loved sneaking a peek at my daughter while she slept, so now when I go in to check on her at night, I imagine that Mom comes with me, and together we look down at our little sleeping angel. It gives me some peace to think that maybe that's really happening, somehow. I get angry often thinking about the loss my daughter will have, not having such a loving grandmother in her life as she grows up. My mom was 110% devoted to her, and I think it was a primary source of motivation for her to keep fighting her disease. My husband's side has 3 grandmother figures (his mom, his stepmom and a former stepdad's wife), but none of them even come close to my mom in terms of how much they care for my daughter and/or their involvement. My mom & I used to talk all the time about what she wanted to do with her beloved granddaughter, and it's so sad to think that none of it will come true now that she's gone. BUT ... I'm trying to learn to remember the times that we have had, and feel grateful for that. It's hard, though.



I'm really glad you posted your comment. I'm sorry your mom didn't get to meet her adorable grandbaby. But know that there are lots of us out here who share your feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, etc. We're feeling so many losses at once -- loss of our own mom, loss of the guidance we would love to have as we venture into motherhood ourselves, loss of a grandmother for our children.

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