Why I am Motherless

Liz - posted on 04/14/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I love this community. I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one out there that is motherless due to a mother (and I use that term very loosely) that can not mother at all.

The summer between 5th and 6th grade I shattered my wrist when I fell off my bike doing a stunt. Yes, I was a tomboy. I walked around the zoo that night with a shattered wrist in excrutiating pain because it was "parents night" night at the zoo and we got special treatment because we have "adopted" a polar bear. My mother wasn't missing that special treatment for anything. Not even her daughter in excrutiating pain. So, the next morning my wrist was of course about 3 times it's normal size. My father scooped me up and took me to the ER against my mothers wishes. It was shattered and why wasn't I brought in when the accident happened and shame on my parents. Back then they would have not called the authorities over something like this. These days they do. Thank goodness. So a temp cast was put on and off to the ortho the next day. At the ortho my mother would not give permission for them to numb up my wrist before resetting it. Let's just say I almost passed out from that pain. Cast on for almost 4 months. Never lived it down I broke my wrist.

I have stories like this that go on and on and on. They get worse when my parents divorced and my father remarried a bi-polar woman that didn't believe she had a problem and didn't take meds for it. It was a wonderful life as you can imagine for me. My father had custody of me since my mother stated "I never wanted that child I had her for you so you take her." Nice, eh? Well, they ended up passing me back and forth and then I got pregnant at 15 (go figure eh?) while I was at my mothers house. Well, it was abort the baby or be kicked out. I chose kicked out. They chose a home for unwed mothers and to sign away their parental rights of me. I adopted out the baby since I am pro-life to the very core of my being. 3 wonderful years in foster care. Met my 1st husband while I was in foster care. Got married and pregnant and divorced within 18 months because he beat me so badly my mother didn't recognize me. Walked right past me in my hospital room. Asked me what I did to deserve being where I was. Helped ex husband take my son away from me as well. Met my 2nd husband. Lived together for 4 years, got married, had 2 wonderful little girls and we are still married.

Tried to involve my mother in my adult life. Until she began to emotionally abuse me once again. She couldn't physically abuse me this time since I am an adult now with a husband that would make sure she went to jail for a very long time if she hit me. The abuse kept coming until I just stopped contact. She saw both of my youngest girls just one time each. That ended because she would tell my young toddler that she better watch out for me since I will be a bad mommy to her. She looked at my youngest daughter (she is a beautiful young lady with beautiful auburn hair) and said to me that this one will give me problems and she is glad she will and she hopes that my daughter beats the crap out of me for being a bad mother. MMMKAY. Buh bye now lady. You are no longer my mother but my egg donor.

She loved my older half brother and he could do no wrong even tho he did drugs, got DUI's, and got into all sorts of trouble. He was her light and her love. MMMMKAY. You can have him too lady.

My father apologized and asked for my forgiveness for treating me the way he did while I was growing up. We had a very close relationship until he died on 9/24/2004 from cancer. I love him and miss him tremendously. He loved all the kids as well.

I have a happy ending though. I have overcome and I am nothing like my mother at all. My teen girls are wonderful young ladies. They are respectful of themselves and do not have pre marital sex. They do not drink or do drugs. I am disabled from severe rheumatoid arthritis and they take care of me while their father is at work (he works 2nd shift.) They do housework, they cook, they love their niece and nephew. The baby I adopted out found me when she turned 17. She is now 24 and has given us 2 beautiful grandbabies. My son that my mother helped to get taken away from me is now in the Army and we have a relationship as well. Me and my 2nd husband are happily married and deeply in love. 21 years together now. Praise the Lord!

You can overcome. If I can do it anyone can do it. My children will never ever feel the way my parents made me feel. They will know only love and being cherished. YOU CAN OVERCOME!!!

I have many more haunting stories from growing up but the old arthritis keeps me from typing too much at once lol. If you want to know more about me or how I overcame to be the wife and mother I am, just ask me.

Once again I will say this....YOU CAN OVERCOME!!!! It takes a lot of hard work but you can do it. Give your children what they deserve and not what you had.

It is difficult to live without a mother. I had to raise these kids with no one to give me advice. I read books. I went by my gut and instinct. I treated them and still treat them to this day how I would have wanted to be treated. I still wish I could have had a mother. But I am thankful my children will have a mother to go to and in fact our oldest daughter does come to me and not her parents that adopted her and raised her.

The bottom line is this. With or without a mother we can still mother our children. Just a little bit more difficult at times and more lonely at times. Maybe find a woman in your neighborhood that can be a mother figure to you. I have done that before. Some of my friends mothers have become my substitute mothers. I know it isn't the same as the real thing but it was better than nothing.

YOU CAN OVERCOME!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rebecca - posted on 03/02/2011

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Your story is so touching and inspires me. I completely understand how you feel. I have always felt that me not having close relationships with anyone has hurt me in my adult life because I am scared to trust and get hurt and after so long I push people away before they could get too close. I was raised in foster care since I was 8. My mother not a good mom at all. Father non-existant. Never got close to the foster parents. I too want everything for my daughter I never had. An over abundance of love. The knowledge that shes safe and I'll always protect her. Shes 3 and I do everything with her. Shes one of my best friends and my side kick. She looks nothing like me so I cant call her mini me, lol. But thank you for your post....Its nice to know other people have similar issues and they overcame them. Gives me hope...

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Lindsay - posted on 04/13/2013

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I really appreciate your thoughts. I believe it has alot to do with education on the disease of the sickness...without that its hard to read the harsh thoughts. Also everyone is so different when it comes to recovery...some are not fortunate enough to have the strength to do it,or the morals and values it takes to live up to whats in your heart and do you want to live up to it or not? or do some alcoholics/addicts just cant swallow the pain and suffering they have already caused thier family and just keep drinking...ITS A SELFISH SICK DISEASE...JUST LIKE DEABETES...U CANT HELP IT YOU CAN ONLY MANAGE ITJUSTLIKE SOBRIETY.. THAT IS IF U MAKE IT THAT FAR..

Stacey - posted on 11/04/2011

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Hi Liz. Thanks for posing this. I wasnt sure I was in the right group until I saw this. I hate my mother too. She cant be around my kids for the same reasons in addition to alcoholism and drug addiction. My step mom was a piece herself. Its so hard for me to trust or have relationships (really just not hate other women) with other women. I too have used friends moms as a sub mom and it is better than nothing. People hate me for hating my mom, Ive lost friends over it. Good for you and all my love to you, really. The only reason I clicked on this is because I'M a packers fan too! LOL. GO PACK GO! I'd love to know more about you and your life and how you became a successful mom.

Mina - posted on 12/22/2010

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My experience is amazingly close to your's from what I've read. It occurs to me that some "mothers" don't necessarily have the skills to raise children successfully or are unable/unwilling to learn. The children from these familes are resilient, adaptable, and mostly able to understand that the parenting will have to come from oneself. I understand how difficult it can be to learn to do this and how much it hurts. She of all people is supposed to be there. I only hope I can overcome this as well as you have and one day become a successful mum! Thanks very encouraging!

Zara - posted on 07/09/2009

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this made me sick to the stomach!!!! what a BITCH!!!! i was lucky to have parents who loved me my mother died from alcoholism and it was only in the years of her illness that i didnt recognise her and she was abusive!
i would like to praise you for coming out of the other side, it shows how strong you are as a woman! keep strong, i believe you are a wonderful mother (and grandmother) congratulations on your now happy life xxxx

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