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I hate living with bipolar

Tanya - posted on 04/01/2010 ( 32 moms have responded )

1 min im fine and the next im flipping out. It causes probs between me and my husband. Im even taking it out on my kids. I have 1 son that is autistic and very hyper and it drives me crazy. Im on 2 diff meds plus anxiety meds. I feel so bad after i have a mood swing. Im really worried that its going 2 cause me lose my family. I have noticed that the meds im on has helped some but i need some advice on how i can handle my moods better than what im doing. I feel like im all alone and that nobody understands. I feel so bad sometimes that i feel like my family would be better off without me but i knw that they wouldnt be. Does everybody feel like this or is it just me?

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Monica - posted on 05/14/2013

I am new to this but been really struggling so hopefully this site helps....I was diagnosed at a very young age and was newly diagnosed with ptsd bipoar depression and anxiety. After having my daughter almost 6 months ago I was fine then it all snuck up on me and its been horrible for the last month been trying new meds but haven't foynd the right meds its so very frustrating I just want to be me so tired of this trying to be patient but feel so alone my boyfriend trys to understand but all I do is push him away and I am so damn mean sometimes I just hat living like I am at war with myself and it sucks how does anyone stay positive when everything is falling apart ?

Lauralee - posted on 04/13/2013

I'm new to this site. I am bipolar, PTSD and anxiety attacks. Living with Bipolar is so hard, my two daughter's are no longer speaking to me and my youngest had the nerve to go back to her father's life after telling me she hated him making me pay for school. My eldest daughter's husband told me I was not a good mom. I am so depressed I wish I could drift off into a coma. I don't even want to live anymore. My heart aches, I never asked to be bipolar but I am punished for it. I can't even see my grandchildren. What the hell am I living for?? I hate life so much, so tired of it all. Sorry this is not a happy story but neither was my whole life.

Kris - posted on 12/08/2012

That's depression peeking out, talking about your family being better off. I've thought that IDK how many times. At some point or another, everyone, even ones without a mental illness think that. Everybody gets depressed sometimes, it's just bipolar's experience more often, and more severe.

If you're still having mood swings that are causing that much trouble, then it sounds like you're not on the right cocktail. I was diagnosed little over a year and a half ago, and for the first 11 months, I was on one of the world's worst medications. I can't remember what the name is, but it's an antipsychotic, which I don't need. I nagged, and begged, and pleaded for 10 of those 11 months for my psych to change my meds, but he wouldn't. I finally decided to find a different one, so a friend of mine recommended his. And holy crap! He's been a Godsend! he changed my meds around, talked with my husband about bipolar, talks to me not at me, he actually listens to what I have to say, and for me this is the weird part, but I actually feel comfortable enough talking to a man that isn't my husband about menstral problems. I don't even talk to my ob about them lol.

Donna - posted on 10/21/2012

Misty - posted on 01/29/2012

Hi everyone im new on the site im trying to find ways to deal with my bipolar2, depression,anxiety,and then one that reads not otherwise specified whatever that means. I have had issues since before the teen years i cut myself barely missing an important vain. (first and last cut.) Then went to brushing my hair until it hurt. it wasn't until after way after my rape at 13 did my mother try and get me to a dr. . way after meaning between the age of 15 and 16 at 17 I was pretty much on my own. I see my theripist 1xweek also my pys which has me on a cocktail of drugs im always an emotional rollercoster. I currently live with my boyfriend in his 93yr grandpas house bc I take care off him. I have 2 precious girls from a previous marriage where the bio dad wants nothing to do with them and he is in the air force..My oldest which is 7 also is bipolar and deals with depression her cocktail isnt doing the trick either my poor baby is falling but has seen alot in her little life she had to witness the abuse with my ex. SO NO NOONE IS ALONE!!! any advice would be great thanks to all and if I can help by talking to anyone just let me know. Misty

Sharon - posted on 12/20/2011

TRaci: You're right. I confess that there are many days that I don't leave the house. But I am taking a walk if not 2 walks today, Find something that necessitates a comment such as a Toastmaster;s Club. Is there a Connections group or DBSA group in your area. If nothing else, drive to nearest starbucks and emjoy yr favorite drink. And, yes, I don't feel ashamed to put this on the "net" because it's life, I get SSDI, my 27 year old gets SSI and my 52 year old hubby is looking for work. Oh, yea, we're going thru foreclosure. So, I take ambien, celexa, lithium, lorazapam, adderal, lamictal for bipolar, losaran for high BP, something for messed up thyroid. You're right Traci for I have mixed states, too and wholeheartedly agree with you. Separation was hard for me , my 1st husband left me when our daughter was 2 so that was 25 1/2 years ago.. I've been married to my wonderful husband for 21 years and we've had our ups and downs but we love each other. If you have a bike and little ones, suggest taking them for a bike ride with you or too young to pedal, put kid in safe protected child seat right behind you. Hope new year will bring both us happier times, much happier!! I was in hospital in March because kept falling down and blacking out at age 56. TRuly believe it's from police abuse suffered DEc 2010 by cop who chest-butted me.I never touched him.

Sharon - posted on 12/20/2011

Kasey - posted on 10/13/2011

Jamie, I just read your post and I think I know what your talking about. I have got in some trouble too. It's so embareasssing. This is the first time I've evere posted on circle of mom's. If there is a way to chat private, lets chat! How's the baby? I'm random, I know but I'm trying to reach out and find freinds who understand my (kinda crazy) LOL Hope to hear from ya.

Traci - posted on 10/01/2011

I just saw my post from over a year ago. Life isn't better but worse. I'm separated. I'm on pain pills and on a medication roller coaster. Do I risk a lot by putting this on the 'net? Yes. But depression and bi-polar are very real, very hard to deal with and very life altering.

I only wish they could find a cure for it. Sharon mentioned finding a support group but sometimes the last thing you want to do is leave your home, isn't it?

Sharon - posted on 10/01/2011

Find a support group for people living with bipolar in your area. Become a NAMI member. Is there a Connections group in your area?

Sharon - posted on 10/01/2011

Find a support group for people living with bipolar in your area. Become a NAMI member. Is there a Connections group in your area?

Rachel - posted on 09/30/2011

Today I had daunting moment, I felt the unfairness for my children having a bi polar mom. I cried and cried, I can't help but feel I'm failing them. If they had a mom that could be more consistant, always gentle and calm, always wanting to go outside and live life and play with them, but I literally can't be that mom I want to be for them all the time. And it's so important because they are only toddler now, it's so important for them to have that consistancy. I always look around at othe moms and their kids, and mine feel so far behind, and I know it's because of me. It didn't really hit until today that the reasons why I just can't seem to 'get it together' is because I'm bi-polar. I was raised in a family with mental illness, my father and sister have mental illness. We were taught to never let that be an excuse to get in the way of living the life you wanted to. I've always felt proud of this principle, but as much as I try, I know I am affecting my children in a negative way, my husband is bi-polar too, so you can imagine how hard it is as parents. I completely understand.

Wendy - posted on 11/05/2010

I have finally put my mind to rest about having another baby. I spent some time with my friend's baby for a few hours - and after that I knew that I wouldn't be able to deal with another child. I had flashbacks from my postnatal depression - freaking out with a crying baby. Reducing my meds to have a baby has also taken it's toll. I am finally putting my dream of having a daughter behind me. I can carry on with my life now - and put all of me into caring for my son - and me.

Brooke - posted on 11/04/2010

I myself am bi-polar..and havea child with bi-polar, and a child with ADHD... i am so lost and alone, i work so hard at keeping my bi-polar teen together, and helping my 7yo control her ADHD, that i have lost myself.... i journal, i blog, i cry, i just try everything. But most importantly, I see my therapist 1x a week... there i can say what I dread most in this world.... its a tought place to be... the meds work great, butthere is the fall out once in a while, and its so hard to see it comming or control it, or even to stop it all together. I RELY on my anxiety meds when i am having a particulry hard day. sad but i do. Good luck.

Sandra - posted on 11/03/2010

i too am Bipolar... have been for longer than i can remember only i didn't know it then and if i knew then what i know now.. well.... i don't know how id be coz i didn't know then... but i know now... and the more i know the better i become at dealing with my illness... my circle of fiends is small... i keep it that way and i like it that way.. it makes life easier for me.. this small circle consists of people who have proven themselves true friends... very important to bipolars.. people who do not judge.. i am very cautious of everyone outwith my circle... i do not socialise anymore as it only creates unecessary problems, this might not work for everyone but ive done it for so long.. it's normal!... i'm actually scared to go beyond my comfort zone... my children are young adults now and their youth was not without it's problems.. many included me losing all control and eventually the plot just when they least deserved it or needed it.... many years after the fact... they understand my disorder and treat me as much normality as 'per face is required'... my daughter cheekily refers to me as 'her' with the forty faces, 38 of which are on holiday.. but what two are we dealing with today??? i personally jump between hypermania and manic depressive.. and if you ask me to explain what it's like for me... i'd say.... ''white noise''.... and sometimes i have no memory.. i can't remember anything although i know it happened... i scare myself sometimes... and i share the feelings of guilt as the rest of the girls on here.. all of the time... you are not alone.. i hate not knowing which face is going to appear if and when... it's ddebilitating... god bless you and stay strong x x

Wendy - posted on 09/29/2010

Hi there - I hate bipolar too. Sometimes I feel like I don't care about anything and think of going off my meds. Sometimes I get so angry and irritated I want to explode - I go into a crazy "haze". You must be a really amazing mom to deal with an autistic child. I have a son, and I need to remind myself that I am a good mother - and that I am just trying to do my best. We all face challenges when dealing with bipolar. What I found extremely helpful is to regulate sleeping patterns. Go to sleep early enough at the same time every night (I take half a sleeping pill if I can't fall asleep). There is a lot of research on the effect of sleep on bipolar and it is a very important aspect of dealing with it. Good luck - and don't be so hard on yourself

Jamie - posted on 09/27/2010

Shirley,
I have a lot of problems with impulse control. I have been better since I got pregnant though. I have such bad problems with spending that I have put us two months behind on our rent prior to getting pregnant. I also have problems with my emotional control. I can be ok and then something can happen and I completely go off the charts. I do things that could get me arrested, I have been asked to leave public places, I hurt other people verbally. I have an impossible time controlling it and the bad thing is my daughter gets to see me act this way and she knows it is not right but I am afraid for her. What if one of these times I actually get arrested with her with me, what will I do then. I always feel horrible afterwards but at the time when it happens I have no reasoning in my mind. I am just emotions. I know she feels like she has to take care of me sometimes and she should not, this also makes me feel really bad. She is the kid she should not have to take care of me. Right now I am three weeks away from delivery and I am getting more and more depressed as the days go by. I am alone, lonely, sad, and scared. But I can not talk to my husband or children about it - I cry in my sleep and dream horrible dreams that make me feel even worse. I have been relatively happy during this pregnancy - compared to what I normally am and now I feel it coming back everyday. I don't want to be unhappy all the time again. I just want to be happy.

Shirley - posted on 09/27/2010

I completely understand how you feel. It is good to know that we are not alone in this thing and that these feelings ARE normal for us. I have felt like my family would be much better off without me for a long time. I even attempted suicide and had to be institutionalized for a week. I have put my family through so much and I feel so guilty for it. I'm sure my husband feels cheated. He would never say so, but I know he must.
We have 4 kids. There ages are 7, 6,3 and 14 1/2 months. Our oldest has ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, Dyslexia, and he is also Bi-polar. Our 6 year old has ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and is also bi-polar. The younger two haven't been diagnosed with anything.,..yet. There is a lot on my plate without being bi-polar. The bi-polar disorder just makes it all worse. Most of the time I'm on the depressed side of things and when I am manic, I'm not all hyper and happ. I am very irritable and mean.
I have just as much trouble controlling my impulses as I do controlling my emotions.
Does anyone else have problems with impulse control? My impulse problem usually has to do with spending money. I feel this uncontrollable urge to spend money. It has to be on something I don't need. It doesn't have to cost much. It can be just a few dollars but I have to buy something. Does anyone else have those issues?
It's great to be able to compair notes with people who are going through the same things as I am. Thank you all for sharing. God Bless.

Jamie - posted on 09/14/2010

I have felt like this for many years. With the right combination of meds and the right dosage it can get better. But it takes time. I hate being sick. That is something I tell my psy all the time. I hate being this way and I don't understand how to fix it. I just want to be normal or what I consider normal at least. I think a lot of times that my family would be better off without me. I think a lot of times that all I do is cause problems and make them miserable because I am miserable and can not see past it. It is common. I have been living like this sinc before I can remember. I remember being in kindergarten and afraid to go to school cause I thought my family was not going to be there when I got home.

Traci - posted on 07/29/2010

I'm surprised more people haven't responded to this unless they LOVE living with this horrible illness! I doubt it.

I have a 15 month old daughter and have been dealing with depression/bipolar 2 since I was a teenager. While it has affected my life to some degree it never affected my life as much as it has since I got married/had my child (they only took place 9 months apart and I was a monster during my pregnancy so to me they're one and the same).

I've recently been going through a nasty down cycle with a bit of rage built in for some variety. I hate it. Sometimes I think my husband and daughter would be better off living somewhere else so I don't affect her. I feel I've corrupted her genes badly enough and I don't want to corrupt her environment.

I have been under the care of a doctor for about 7 years and am on an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. I've always been an 'analyzer' and know that much of my issues deal with the high amounts of life issues that have been going through but it still can't alleviate the issues.

I hate this illness.

Kim - posted on 05/19/2010

Hi Brenda, you sound realy down, it is hard to except this illness but you need to accept it to deal with it, that's how I deal with it, you do make it through the day though, somehow, we seem to have so much more strength than people without this illness, it is hard when you never know from 1 second to the next what kind of mood you're foing to be in, my children either laugh at me or scatter, because sometimes I really freak myself out, one minute I'm screaming my head off at say another driver, bright red in the face as if I'm about to explode, then from nowhere I get a chuckle and say say something mad like, he/she won't forget to look in his mirror again, then I get fits of laughter come over me, then a few mins go by and I'm back at it again. I shock myself sometimes, are you on meds?? I hope you feel better very soon, I'm sorry I can't do anymore xxx

Brenda - posted on 05/18/2010

This is to Kim Bell. Gf i no wat u mean its nt n e bodys fault but we sure take it out on everyone huh. I hate the fact that i never no from one minute to the next how im gona b. Happy pissy laughen at shit that aint even funny. Do u ever laugh at things like that ? Where say somebody gets a lil boboo n u giggle? I feel like im totally messed up in the head when i do that shit. Im so tired of never noing if im gona make it thru the day . ALL i want is to b normal whatever that is

Brenda - posted on 05/18/2010

Dam im happy to no i aint the only one out there that does that!!! Me n my hubby have alot of trouble thanks to this bipolar crap. I FN HATE IT!!!! It messes with ur hole dam life n prevents u from b n able to function like normal people. If there is one thing i hate about it the most is the fact that u cant control it. I take it out on my kids to and i hate myself 4 it because they dont deserve half the shit... no ...all the shit i put them thru. I feel like a piece of shit worthless mother!!! N u cant explain to a 6 yr old n a 1 yr old that they didnt really do n e thing wrong its just u

Kim - posted on 05/10/2010

I felt the same when I was pregnant, just shows although we have this terrible thing that we ARE still human and that we have feelings for others, probably more than many that don't have this awful illness. Good luck with your new baby and just try to enjoy your family xxx

Melissa - posted on 05/09/2010

I feel like that too sometimes. I am always angry and my mood swings are terrible. I feel so bad for my husband, and being pregnant it makes me worry that i will do the same thing to our baby on the way.

Christina - posted on 04/28/2010

*HUGS* I can totally relate to what your going thru right now. I too am fine one min and the next im outta it and i take it out on my husband and daughter. I have even asked for a divorce from my husband and that turned his world upside down ( he now knows that was just my mood, not literal). My poor daughter thinks mommy doesnt like her no more ( so untrue) and says to everyone, "maybe mommy would be a better person if she took her medicine" bless her little heart i take my meds faithfully now, its just rough. Your not alone in this. I can tell you this everyone here understands so if you need to talk all us ladies are here and we understand completely.

Kim - posted on 04/15/2010

Hi, I've been and still am were you are now and I hate it.
In literally a minute I can change from a happy go lucky person, making everyone else laugh and then for no reason I cannot understand why I am here and everyone around me would be better off without me. I have extreme difficulties telling people how I realy am, I think they hear this so many times it just goes in one ear and out the other so I don't bother. All I can offer you is a hug I'm sorry, I wish I could offer you and others more but how I just don't know. I do know that people would be so hurt and sad if you left, so try and hang on in there xxx

Sharon - posted on 04/10/2010

I feel for you . Thank you for saying you Hate this illness. I hate it, too! Several things: suggest you talk to your psychiatrist and see if Dr. will change your drug cocktail. Also, suggest you see a mental health therapist. And, please see if the local Developmental Disabilities agency will provide you with help for your autistic son. It sounds like you have way too much on your plate. Please find a support group for yourself and please take care of yourself!!! Currently, I take lithium for my bipolar illness. Wish you the best!

Trisha - posted on 04/07/2010

I agree w/the other girls. You def aren't alone and you can always count on this board. I journal too. I come on here alot. In the past year I have started exercising which has helped alot. I started off by taking small walks, sometimes w/the kids and sometimes w/out. If you can get out w/out them, take the opportunity. You also need me time. Now I joined a gym and I actually run. I got all my meds adjusted after several tries and it has helped. Don't get me wrong, I'm definetly not fixed, but the exercising helped. Hang in there. We're all here to support you.

Rebecca - posted on 04/06/2010

Keep yourself on schedule, exercise regularly even if it's just a stroll outside and be sure to get 8 hours of sleep at least. I think you can try to keep the moods at bay.A counselor can be really helpful.Try to make some time for yourself a night out with the girls. You are definately not alone. This is a hard stage but it will get better for you.you hvae my support from Becky

Alexandra - posted on 04/03/2010

146

you are definitely not alone, I am manic depressive and the mood swings can get really out of control. The guilt is overwhelming. Whenever im feeling down or manic i journal and take some time to myself. I get all my emotions out rather than trying to avoid or suppress them and it helps me get over those bumps. Hang in there.

Amber - posted on 04/02/2010

I'm sorry you didn't get any responses before this! I know what you go through. I am a single mom of two, one who is bipolar and the other who is not. I am bipolar myself, and it's damn hard to be stable when I have a twelve year old who is falling apart at the seams right in front of my eyes. I don't have any solutions for you at the moment, unfortunately. I just wanted to let you know that you are totally NOT alone!