Starting to lose it

Constance - posted on 05/07/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I have Bipolar and I wen off meds over three years ago. The problem I have is either the side effects are so severe that I absolutly can't function or I am allergic to the meds. I have done really well. I have been able to keep my cycling under control, not perfect but managable.
I have so much going on right now. I am balancing 4 kids, two of which are disabaled and one that I homeschool. My husband is working in a different state. I am working from home full time and going to school full time.
In general I can handle everything even with my husband not being here but he is the one that keeps adding more and more stress on me. He does have history of quitting his jobs if he thinks it is going to "fix" the problem. My youngest is having more and more problems I found out this week that she has to have another surgery which is going to make it at least 5 maybe more really don't know. I can deal with this it's hard but I can deal. What is mking me want to blow is my husband.When I start to vent he automatically thinks I want a divorce. Our marriage hasn't been thebest in severel years but we do love each other and we do want to make it work. When he acts like this it makes me want to say fuck you if you think I want the divorce hen I will file the paper work tomorrow.
How can I get him to realize that my stress isn't always about him? I am trying to balance everything without cycling into a manic eposode. I really can't afford it I have to be level to take care of me and the kids.

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Sheila - posted on 05/14/2011

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I think your husband needs to educate himself more on Bi-Polar, and needs to realize that people just need to vent! You need more help at home though, I am amazed at what you're doing every day, esp with him being in a different state for work. You should be very proud of yourself, and if he can't understand you're just trying to blow off some steam, then do what you just did come online and post a thread about it. Hopefully just typing it out helped a little.

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Katie - posted on 06/02/2011

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Yipes! First off you sound like you are managing fantastically considering the number of hurdles your facing at the moment. While I don't suffer from bipolar (hypochondriasis and GAD here!) my dad did and growing up I got a front row seat to the torment that this disorder can cause. Your very brave for trying all of the meds and combos that you have, and it seems like you are making a huge effort to be healthy for your kids.
Although I have no real advice for you as I have never been through anything close to what you are going through I can say that one thing I found helped my conditions a lot was changing my diet. Could be that your bipolar is something that cannot be helped by a diet change but if you aren't currently on meds then it at least can't hurt. If your insurance covers it, or if you can afford it you might try a naturopath. I always thought the idea was a little too granola-hippy for me until my best friend started going to school for it. She was coming back with all of this info about allergies and whatnot and some of it actually made a big impact on my day to day life.
Whatever you decide to do I wish you luck with it, I only know how hard it is for me with one child (one one more on the way) to deal with the issues I have, I can't even imagine having a whole boatload of kids and a husband out of state. Good Luck!

Constance - posted on 06/02/2011

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Jane, I am not really all that keen on theripists because it always turns into you need to be on medication. If my mom has backed off of that because she has seen the consequenses of my meds. If I am going to pay someone to listen then I want them to listen and give me the advice of how to cope without medication.

I have completely put everything out there with my husband. I told him that I am going to have friends and I am going to hang out with them. He has friends that he goes with a couple of times a week. I made it very clear that I will not just sit by myself because he is an ass. It has gotten better but we still have a long way to go.

Jane - posted on 06/02/2011

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I go to a psychologist primarily so I can vent. Insurance pays for most of it, and there is no one else to vent to. Most folks I know don't understand how life with a Bipolar person works, and my husband passed away recently after being very ill for several years. So I vent to the psychologist, who offers me concrete solutions with no baggage attached.

Also, have you tried Yoga, Tai Chi, Chi Gung, and/or meditation? These can help stabilize your mood without the use of meds. Choose one and try it. See if you can do it daily as a way to let off stress. If you don't like it try another. For me what works is to get my son ready for school, and then go sit outside and simply enjoy the flowers, the sky, and so on for about 15 minutes, letting my mind float. It really helps me relieve stress.

You also might try educating your husband about Bipolar Disorder. Believe it or not, there is actually a "Bipolar for Dummies" book, and it is a pretty good introduction to the disorder.

And finally, your husband's tendency to quit jobs sounds as if he might be ADHD. Has he ever been evaluated? If he is discovered to have something like that, then meds and a psychologist could help him help himself so the two of you don't put each other under even more stress.

Good luck!

Sheila - posted on 06/02/2011

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I recently made a couple of new mommy friends from meetup.com, you should check it out, I am sure there are lots of ppl in your town/city that are also looking for someone to grab some coffee with during the week, or a meetup at the park where the kids can play while you talk.

Constance - posted on 05/30/2011

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Things today aren't too bad. A little stressful my A/C broke and it is only 100 out today. The kids are fighting about something. I'm ready to throw them in the lake to cool off. Waitng on a couple of my old buddies to come over. I need a nice cold beer and true adult conversation. I haven't had a beer inn monthes. Hopefully everything will go great the rest of the day. The grill is getting hot.

Maria - posted on 05/30/2011

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sweat heart, you are amazing to handle all that. I KNOW I cannot and I also hate the side effects of these stupid medications. When it was only me and my son (7 years ago) no meds were fine, I had control of my environmental situations. Then.... Blended family marriage, wow... I work closely with my doctor on meds, it is hard and I have much empathy for you.

Constance - posted on 05/17/2011

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Oh yeah I almost forgot my oldest broke her arm the other day. Yeah so much fun. LOL

Constance - posted on 05/17/2011

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@Teresa Unfortunatly going to vist him is just not in he cards at this point. I just had to drive t my brother's place 12 hours away. He threw my niece and nephews out of the house. My niece is 19 and my nephews are 15 and 13. My brother is such an asshole. He has his new wife (happens to be a teacher) and 2 new daughters. His new family. No room for the kids I have already raised for 5 years before while he had is vacation in the state pen. When I took custody both my brother and his ex were both awaiting trial. For two totally different reasons but they were both looking at 25 years min. When she got out she never really got her life together and he did, and that is the only reason I allowed him to regain custody an she had visitation. now he has pulled this and they had to change schools. I love them so much and they are my kids too, but I a pissed because now I have to reshape everything in my life.
Now I have so many other challenges day to day and now I have 3 more mouthes to feed, 3 more to educate, and 2 very pissed off and angry teenage boys. It has postponed our trip and my husband can't fly home untill July and even then he will only be here for a couple days. We are making it work and we are communicating better. We are acually talking instead of fighting. So things are improving. It is frustrating at tmes but I will get there.

Teresa - posted on 05/16/2011

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That is hard when you can't find the support you need to help. Is it possible for you to go to your husbands place of work and stay with him for a couple days? Bring the kids and maybe have a picnic somewhere where you can talk.
I understand how hard things can get with kids, work, dealing with the household duties inside and out, but sometimes you just have to sit down, breathe and take a break. Stop and think what is most important in your life right now. Personally, i am a family person. My family will come before my job, friends, bills. They are the most important and i will fight for them. But in order for me to care for them to the best of my ablility I have to make sure i take care of myself first. I would think that would be a good start for you. Take a break. Go have a nice bath, sit outside and enjoy an evening, read a book. Do something you enjoy that will help you relax. Yoga?? Just clearing your mind and your learning to breath will make you see things clearly and relieve the tension on your shoulders. You and your husband should make a date. Even if it is in your backyard. Set a time when he is off and able to go home and stick to it. Talk, cry, but effectively communicate. If both of you can be on the same page and give each other support, even if support means he will cook the meals when he is home, or he will help your children , or whatever you feel would help you out a bit. Remember though, he may be feeling the same stress but in a different way and may not know how to tell you. Ask him what you can do for him in return. It all comes down to if you want something to happen you both are going to have to put out the effort to get it done.
I would also suggest that you need to ask for help. You need to get the "i can handle it" phrase out of your head. It never hurts anyone to ask for help and it could help you stay healthy and perhaps develop a support network (new friends/family). Of course, we are always online to if you need to vent;) Take care

Constance - posted on 05/15/2011

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@ Teresa, I agree that we do need more alone time to work on us, but we have never had too many people we have trusted to watch our kids. Exspecially with our daughters being disabled. My oldest daughter has had great improvement in the last year and she is very protective so I can leave them with someone but still only for short periods of time. In January is the first time since our oldest 15 that my mom has every watched our kids and she lives 30 mins. away. Up until resently we have had no contact with is family. We really only have each other in about 6 years. So it is hard to find that time. His work has always kept him traveling so it is limited.

Constance - posted on 05/15/2011

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@ Sheila, My husband really has done his homework. He just freaks out over the dumbest shit. After I made this post I had a dream that he quit his job again because he its't getting the raise he wants. He is great at his job doesn't miss work, travels when they need him to, and pretty much everything positive to get a raise. His three main supivisors agree with the raise they have put in fifteen request in the past year. Upper management keeps denying it. Normally by now he would have quit by now. When I told him about my dream he really did feel bad. I told him I have to be able to vent without the extra bullshit and I am tired of him always jumping to conclusions. I can't deal with his BS and stupidity. He has been better. Plus he finally is doing something other beening up my ass all the time. It is really nice. Now I just need a friend that is completely sober to go have coffe with a few times a week.
I finally have one other mom who will take my kids for the afternoon to give me a break away from them. Plus I have her 3 everday after school and most of the time on the weekend. But at least she extends the same back to me.
I am finally getting some relief.

Constance - posted on 05/15/2011

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@ Katherine, Here's the list it is really long. Some of the meds I only have used when my anxiety is through the roof.

Lithium Risperidal Zyprexa Neurotin Lithiobid
Limictal Abilify Prozac Celexa Zoloft Paxil
Depakote Clozapine Geodon Effexer Seroquel
Thorazine Topamax Trilepal Invega

These are the three that I take for my anxiety. Which is maybe two o three eposides a week. The doctor rotates my pescriptions so I don't get use to just one.
Valium Ativan Xanax.
I think this all of them. As you can see it is a lot. When ever I have to see a new doctor. I dread giving him the list. That still isn't everything that I am allergic to. It just keeps going. I am frustrated with not being able t finda combitnation that works. I feel like a fucking lab rat. That is why Iwent off meds completely.

Teresa - posted on 05/14/2011

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you and your husband need some time together. If you can get a neighbor or friend/family member to care for your children for a day so you and your husband can be alone that is (in my opinion) where you need to start. Sit him down and communicate. Communication is the key to any relationship and when it doesn't happen then messages get mixed and stress builds... Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are becoming overwelmed and you need to vent to find a solution that will better you and your family. You need to be clear with men especially. Directly say i am feeling stress right now because of....Sometimes men don't understand how women handle stress, mainly because we hide it. We think "I can handle it" and put it on our shoulders until it is piled so high.
Tell him what you want. Tell him what you want from him, ask him what he can do to help. Discuss together what you both can do to help lower your stress, help your family, and make him feel secure in your relationship.

Unfortunately, if you can't commuincate effectively with each other, the issues will always be with you. I give you credit for reaching out before you reach a manic episode...Perhaps talking with a counselor may help as well or show the both of you how to effectively communicate. Hope this helped and didn't sound too preachy.... :) Good luck

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