Why do i want to reach out and talk? But I dont because Im scared.

Laura - posted on 12/30/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have always been the timid one. the one who wasnt allowed to have an opinoin or feelings. I am a single- married mother. My kids father hasnt been in thier life for the past 10 years. I suffered hell on earth while I was with him. Since Jan. 2000 I have been diaognosed with Bi-Polar Axis 1, DID, Depression with suicidal tendencies, ADHD/ ADD. I have 3 children; My boy is 15 yrs old. with Bi-Polar, ADD/ Adhd and explosive bursts of anger; My 13 yr old daughter has Bi-Polar, add/ adhd, ODD, explosive bursts of anger with homisidal tendencies; my 12 yr old daughter is blessed with only add/ adhd. All of us are on meds. I just got back on meds due to depression setting in feelings of worthlessness, starting to feel suicidal. I have been back on meds for the past 3 months. I hate taking meds. I feel soooo inaddiquit. but at the same time I know that if i dont take them I could comit suicide. my biggest fear is commiting suicide and my kids finding me. I am sad and depressed. I honestly feel that if they were somewere else I would finish my life. the sad thing is I am tired of reaching out..........I wanna cry all the time. I dont do it around my kids but i know they know Im depressed. Kids are smart.

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8 Comments

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Katherine - posted on 04/06/2010

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Laura,
are you in counseling or any kind of support groups? I find therapy works for me, at least I can unload. It's difficult having a mental illness on top of an abusive relationship. I am there myself. What meds are you on? Do you have someone to relieve you when you feel overwhelmed? You HAVE to have time to yourself HAVE to. I mean it is vital. I know the feeling of hopelessness, of walking around with a dark cloud over your head, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Where do you live? You really have your hands full and it's ok to ask for help.

Holly - posted on 04/06/2010

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If you are still that depressed then the meds aren't working, I strongly suggest therapy, I know how hard that can be as a single parent with kids, but if you look you will find the way. Find anything that make you happy, a hobby a book whatever, and be there because your kids are going to need you, even if they don't treat you right. Remember kids don't know yet how to deal and depend on you. If you need to talk, then do it. You are safe to do that here and without judgement or us thinking you are inadequate in anyway. We all need help sometimes or even just someone to listen. I hope this has helped and I would be glad to listen anytime. I'm not bipolar but I care for my 17 year old bipolar son by myself.
I wish you the best...

Maria - posted on 02/01/2010

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Are you me with a new husband after the horid experience of previous marriage.

Brooke - posted on 01/27/2010

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Wow i agree, i hope u get courage enuff to get therapy. Its enuff on your plate to deal with you, but to have your kids...well thats a lot!!!!! Meds are necessary hun. No matter how low they make you feel you need them, and no matter how great you feel you need them!!!!!

Rebecca - posted on 01/23/2010

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I have son who has bipolar also. I have had a rough childhood also. I have had bipolar most of my adult life. Was not diagnosed til after my son was born though. You do need to get some help. Just something to get you through this all. I was stubborn and waited til it got bad for my son before I realized we needed more than I could give myself. If you all want to talk to me I am here. I still have the trial and errors with him. Will always have that knowing that bipolar is something of an illness to deal with.

RicaMarie - posted on 01/09/2010

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I am there with you.I had a rather hard childhood. my mother passed away when i was young and non of my family wanted me . i was hopsitalized for suicide for 6 months. my sons father wants nothing to do with him and abused him and allowed him to be abused when he was young. i deal with my son being violent and threating to kill me. i get drepressed all the time due to i am alone all the time ( besides my son ) my other half works out of town alot and when he is home "still is not home" but i am a leo and somehow i dont let my "mental" issuses take me down. i know i have to be strong for my son. even thou he is out of controle most of the time and really hard to deal with. what i sujest for you is counsleing for all of you and to find a close friend you can talk with and who has been there what your going threw. I am offering out my hand as for i am dealing with alot of what your going threw and have learned to controle it with out meds. So feel free to contact me. i am here with open arms to listen, help in anyway i can!

Wendy - posted on 01/07/2010

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I hope you can find enough courage to get counseling for you and your children. They need you to be strong so they too can be strong enough to fight this disease.

I too am guilty of procrastinating! As soon as I finish here, I'm going to get an appointment for my son who is bipolar and almost 12. I know he is on the verge of puberty and the threats of death are already emerging.

Alisha - posted on 01/03/2010

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I am a 22 year old mother of 4, I lost one of my son's to child abuse in 2007, he was 2 an a victim of child abuse. I have had alot of really hard trials in my life, I am bipolar manic depressant, with add/adhd. An am now raising my children on my own. The only reason they don't consider me suicidal is because I know that I am literally all my kids have an if I'm gone they will end up in the system which is the last thing I want. Without my meds I feel like I am going crazy, an I know that I am easier to deal with when I am on them.. When I first started with all of my problems my Dad told me that what is wrong with me isn't my fault but I should do my best to make it better for my kids. I know that its hard but try to find the good things to focus on rather then the bad and having a hobby or something to do that makes you happy. A way to clear your head pretty much. Have you thought about getting professional help for you an the kids? It may help figure out where all the anger comes from an help them channel it in another way.

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