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Am I wrong for not wanting my daughter's birth mother (BM) at her graduation?

Suzanne - posted on 05/18/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My daughter is graduating this week and she wants to invite her birth mother. Our daughter came to us when she was 2 1/2 months old. The birth mother did not have any contact with her again until my daughter asked (at age 4 yrs.) to see the lady who's belly she was in. I contacted her and they met. At that time the B M asked if she could keep in touch and I said yes. She called once and they met one more time. Then when my daughter started middle school she became very good friends with a girl that ended up being her maternal cousin. Then at that time she got back in touch with her B M and occasionally would see her B M when she would sleep over at her cousins. My daughter has been disappointed several times on holidays waiting for that phone call or card. I just feel that this (Graduation) is a time to celebrate all of my daughter's accomplishments in school and in life. I would appreciate ANY feedback on this subject. Especially if you yourself have gone through this very situation.

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J M - posted on 12/30/2012

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This was 2 yrs ago in 2010, wonder how things went?

As you said your daughter wants her there that must be hard for you, but also you say the BM has let her down not sending cards on special occasions etc,what about sending DVD of the Big day to her BM?

Lara - posted on 10/23/2012

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I think in your situation, I would allow it. Your child is on the cusp of adulthood and it truly is her decision. I can understand not wanting to share this ocassion with someone who really has not been actively involved with helping her get there but biologically she has a tie and your daughter has asked this of you. I know it will be difficult but its a sacrifice you will make for your child.

Judi - posted on 06/08/2010

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This is a very hard time for you. The final decision is going to be all your own. My daughter is not old enough to be where you are now, but we think about that day all of the time. My thought on the situation. Let this be your daughters choice. You can't keep her from getting hurt, that's how she learns. You don't want to say no about the BM being around, your daughter has to learn about this relationship all by herself. Your baby girl knows that you are her Mommy, you have given her all of your heart, love and care for 18-19 years. The love and bond that you have will never go away. She will always know where the safe haven is that she can go to when she needs love. The hardest feelings I have had is when my daughter laughs with or hugs her BM. I worry that she has a bond there that I will never have. That is not true. When she really needs love and care she always looks to me to be there, and I am. As an adoptive parent our love is quite different and sometimes challenging. But the concept is the same as all children, if you tell them no then they will be drawn to do it even more. If you let them learn on their own they will come to you when things don't work out. You are truly a wonderful person and I don't envy where you are right now. I know that I too will have to face the same situation down the road. I hope that no matter what you know and feel in your heart that you can celebrate accomplishments no matter who else is around. Please let me know how this turns out. And congratulations!

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