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How to deal with Bilogical mother and husband at the same time?

Estelle - posted on 02/15/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband and i adopted our youngest daughter, but her Biological mom is my step daughter, my husbands daughter. For me its not easy and im very scared, it feels like the BM is looking over my shoulder with everything i do and my husband dont feel that way, how do i make him see how i feel and make him understand how scared i am of his daughter taking the lil one back. he doesnt feel threatened as he is the only father in the house, but to me it feels like there is more than one mother in the house and it is scaring the hell out of me and i get to emotional when i speak to him bout it and sometimes we argue bout it bcoz the BM is his daughter and he believes that she knows whats best for the baby and that she wont take her back when she is done with school and got a job, or is that just part of adopting? How should i handle the situation. I do i convince everyone that i am the best mom for the little one. What should i do. What should i say............ Please anyone advice me as this is eating me!!!

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Jennifer - posted on 03/29/2010

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My mother and father adopted my kids and they keep me informed but let me know straight out forward that while they would be keeping me informed I would have no decision making ability once the adoption was finalized, which if you adopted through the courts 1. She can not take the child back she is your daughter now, and 2. The decisions are yours to make now not your step daughters. I know that it has helped me to know that I can see my children any time I want within reason (not on school nights or after bed time of course) and that I am being kept informed about what is happening in their lives. They can call me anytime the want but they know that Nana and Papa adopted them and they can't live with me anymore, your step daughter will just have to back off, she chose to let you adopt your daughter and should have known what that meant, that you were the sole decision maker and that what you say goes. It is ok to have more than one mother, as long as the bio mom knows that you are the boss and what you say goes, (cuz you are). Good luck and I hope that this helped in some way....

Shanna - posted on 03/11/2010

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If you adopted her through the courts then she can not take her back. Unless she can prove you are an unfit mother. You are her mom. Maybe it would be good to talk with a counselor about this to get your feelings straightened out.

Janelle - posted on 02/26/2010

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the only way to prove your the better mother is to always put the child first. if the bio had best intentions it would be to not mess up structure. stability will always come out on top. my husband and i write letters when the subject is too emotional. we write it when we are upset then go back and proofread when we are calm to make only rational points not emotional. with our bio i was the stepmom. let the bio help with plans and feel like she is contributing even if you are really behind the wheel. simple things like meal plans. friend choices.ect it is tough and it does feel like your constantly being watched. just find ways to be the one runnin the show just let them think they are doin somethin. good luck.

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