just curious...

Dana - posted on 11/29/2008 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I have 3 adopted children. My newest addition is almost 7 mths. old. I have a close relationship with her birthmom. Does anyone else have a relationship with their birthmom? Just curious.

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[deleted account]

3 of our children are adopted, they all haev the same birth parents... we have an "open" adoption which consists of me sending her one letter and current picture 2x a year.  The birth father is not in the picture...  it is very weird for me to say the least. 

H. Ruth - posted on 03/21/2009

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Just an update in our bm situations. Our daughter's bm has moved closer (back into the province) but likely will not contact us before we contact her again, which is likely not to happen. We did stay with our daughter's bio-family last weekend. It was GREAT! Nice to visit with them and to see our daughter and her "tummy-sister" play all weekend.

We also visited with our son's bio-family (who live all together). It was just really great to see and visit for a bit. Especially since we haven't seen them in almost a year.

I hope that your visits this year (if you have any) go really well and that your family/families see how blessed your children are.

Christina - posted on 02/28/2009

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Thanks Annemarie. It makes me feel better knowing someone out there has been in my position and agrees that it's disrespectful and hurtful. I know they have/had issues with the adoption but thought by now they would have come to terms with it. Any suggestions on how to approach it other than just laying down the law? Normally I'm a pretty outspoken person but the bio grandfather just had open heart surgery and isn't doing very well and I don't want to be the cause of a setback. Thanks again for your feedback!

Annemarie - posted on 02/22/2009

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In response to CHristina Potts about b/family calling son by his birth name.....



As an adult adoptee, and adoptive mom iof 6, I have to take issue with the b/famiy refusing to call your son by his name.  It is not only hurtful and disrespectful to you and your husband, but it is harmful to your son.  I would respectfully insist that they refer to him by his name, the name his parents, (you and your husband) have given him.  It says that they do not agree with the adoption, support the aoption and have absolutly no respect for your son.  They are not putting the best interests of him first, and anyone who truly loves a child will be able to out their own issues aside for the better of the child.  And by your allowing it you are sending the message to your chid that you are OK with it, which can be confusing to him. 



We had a semi-open adoption with one of our sons and the b/grandmother was always calling him by his b/name.  We decided it wasn't in his best interest to hear this and so we stopped all contact after asking her to please call him by his "real" name (the one we gave him) and she refused.  (His b/mother has always called him by the name we gave him) He was just about 4 at that time.  He is now 22 and we've talked about it.  He thinks it's just ridiculous that she wouldn't care enough about him as a person to accept him as an adopted child with a new name and family. 



I hope I didn't come across as a pain in the neck!  Thanks

Annemarie - posted on 02/22/2009

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Hi



We have 6 adopted kids all in open adoptions.  We have various levels of "relationships" with the b/families.  It's very complicated to say the least! 

Christina - posted on 02/19/2009

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Our birth mom is also my niece of our 2 year old son. When she and the birth father (who wants nothing to do with our son) signed the consent for adoption, they agreed to a name change. However, her extended family continues to call our son by his birth name. We've had our son since he was 8 months old and he only responds to the name we have given him. As we have only seen her extended family 2 or 3 times, I have chosen to ignore the fact that they use his birth name. But I also feel at some point they need to respect me and my husband enough to use his "proper" name. Any suggestions?

Laura - posted on 02/18/2009

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Our birth mother is my niece.  It can make things very complicated, but she's had the maturity to handle it well.  She and I were actually beginning to connect when she was a teen and now I would say we are even friends.  Yes, complicated and difficult at times, but it is working really well for us.



Our daughter will be 8 years in April so that gives you an idea of the time we've had to get it right.  Communication is key.  Perhaps it's also luck, our family, or something else because while we've had our share of strife, I can see how it could be much worse.

Paula - posted on 02/17/2009

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We have had a relationship with the birth Mom.  Our daughter is 3 1/2 years old.  She has 2 half sisters.  They both know about our daughter.  They have requested to meet her.  We are setting up a meeting soon.  I am a little nervous but think that the more honest I am about this the better. We have told Sierra that she has sisters that live somewhere else.  One is 17 and the other is 10.  Sierra has met the birth mother a couple of times when she was less than 2 but has not had contact recently.

Sally - posted on 01/14/2009

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My sons adoption was open. We have seen the birth family several times. We are mainly close to the bio. grandmother. However the birthmom can see him if she chooses.

H. Ruth - posted on 12/31/2008

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Our daughter's bm is in another province so she has only seen Elisabeth once since she turned two. We have contact with her bio-grandma and aunt.

With our son's bio-fam, they are on facebook and we visit when we can. The agency through which we adopted told us that we only really need to make arrangements for 3 visits per year with pictures and letters in between. We've seen them twice since we took Dean home 16months ago.

I think that even having bio-grandparents included in visits is good especially when there really isn't contact with bm.

[deleted account]

So does the birthmom visit your baby often? We had a visit at 6 months and the grandparents would like to be more involved but the birthmom has been into drugs and partying and would not really be a good influence on our daughter. We've decided to wait until she's older to bring her out to meet them. I hate it for the grandparents, though. They're wonderful people but I can't involve them in our daughter's life and not the birthmom. She doesn't seem to want to be involved much anyway.

H. Ruth - posted on 12/17/2008

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We have two children as well (different bm's) and our relationships with each bm is quite different. Our first adoption relationship is with our daughter's aunt and grandmothers. Her bm moved out of province after a year in the same city (and once a month contact). Our second adoption relationship is actually here on Facebook (lol). We have had a few visit and I just recently sent a huge stack of pictures to our son's bio-family.

Our relationships are not close but they do exist.

Colleen - posted on 12/10/2008

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Yes, we are lucky to have them. We feel it will help with the "no one looks like me?" feelings which will occur.

[deleted account]

We have a good relationship with the birth grandparents but the birth mom lives her life without us in it. We've only had one visit from all of them when our daughter was just a baby. So you adopted 3 children from the same birthmom? Someone asked me the other day if I'd be willing to do that if our birthmom got pregnant again. I said sure!

Colleen - posted on 11/30/2008

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Hello Dana

We have two adopted children what have the same birthmom. We were very fortunate that we have a relationship with the birthmom, both birthdads and extended families. We have a meeting once a year and send letters and pictures twice a year. Our son, now four and a half, is starting to understand who all of these people are. We try to make sure we have a good relationship with all of them. At first we were a little scared, but now it is great.

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