Laura - posted on 02/10/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )
Tips on over coming the hurdle of trust!!
Laura - posted on 02/10/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )
Tips on over coming the hurdle of trust!!
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Morgan - posted on 12/06/2012
CCut and paste in location bar
RAD survivor writes a book
Nadine - posted on 11/24/2012
My daughter has an adopted child with RAD. She was adopted at birth from a drug mom. She is 12, is violent, has attempted to kill her younger brother on 3 occasions,She has threatened to kill her dad, has injured my daughter and other siblings by pulling hair, biting, kicking, etc.
She and her husband are living in separate houses because of the danger. When reported they were told that nothing could be done until someone ends up in the hospital or worse yet. She was adopted from a private agency and the state of Oregon refuses to help them with anything.
Is there anyway they can dissolve this adoption. They cannot afford therapists, foster care, etc. We understand that if they did find a foster parent they would have to pay child support.
Seems so unfair. Would appreciate any help.
Ann - posted on 11/21/2012
My daughter is 19 now. We have had so many issues in the past. Many were only seen by me really because she is wonderful at manipulation. I have recently been reading about RAD children. It fits her perfectly. I adopted her when she was 13. She was neglected by her bio-mom, abused, and just abandoned by the time she was 10. She is my husbands biologically. I adopted her. We had good day, and bad days. Recently, it has gotten worse because she has gotten ahold of her biological mother. Since then, even more anger, distrust, and cruelty is raining down on me. I am thankful I found this site. I called Focus on the Family. They helped give me ideas of books to read, prayed with me, and helped me understand more of what to expect, and what my reaction needs to be. I had always wondered why she was fine with everyone, but no matter what I did, I was the ogre. Now, I know it wasn't me. I think that is what alot of moms in this situation need to know. Its not you. Its them. Try to let it roll off your back. Like an earlier post, they want you to show anger. They want to you to escalate the situation so they don't have the guilt, and can blame you for all the problems that hit them. All we can do is listen. We don't have to agree, just listen. I pray one day, a light will shine, and she will be able to overcome this. Until then. I will be on my knees, where my peace comes from.
Foster - posted on 05/16/2012
We just adopted 2 girls ages 12 and 13. The 13 year-old is being treated for RAD. She attaches to my husband but not to me. She has this fantasy about her bio mom being her hero. She is a very controlling and manipulative girl. We have to set very strong boundaries with her. She never had rules to follow before and doesn't like rules. She's destructive to our home and property. On the other hand, her little sister seems fine, but she never attached to the bio mom. The mom was a meth addict. It is very hard and gets very discouraging at times. We live with the faith that the light will go off in her head one day!
Paulette - posted on 10/16/2011
My oldest adopted daughter is a RAD kid. Some days are worse than others, but I found a book that has really helped us over some of those hurdles. It is called; "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" After reading I was able to relate to her on a whole new level, and we are on our way to bonding. Keep in mind that her anger, though directed at you, is not about you but rather the circumstances that put her/him in a different home.
Cynthia - posted on 03/16/2010
just wanted to add to the list of mom's with RAD kids. Our three tikes have varying degrees of RAD the youngest is practically normal, are middle child is severely attachment disordered and the oldest is classical functioning RAD kid. Had no idea what we were getting into 3 years ago. Now at ages 13, 10 and 9 some days it's hard to keep the faith. Since everyone has transferred their anger onto the adopted mom, there are days I'd like to melt. I know you've all felt this. Nothing can replace a strong support group, husband, family, friends, church. Not having one makes it really hard to stand on your own two feet; Good luck everyone.
Lori - posted on 03/02/2010
Hang in there everyone! It is the battle of the wills. You as parents, must maintain composure when dealing with this. You cannot not let your face show anger. This is what they want (but really they don't) They want to push your buttons. They could not depend on anyone in their past life.(why should they trust to depend on us?) Things are improving here... slowly, but hey, they are improving! Great book to read is The Connect Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Went to her seminar here in WI. Very educational. My daughter now asks me if I am mad at her when she acts out. She never thought of it before. I always tell her I love her and always will, no matter what.
Janelle - posted on 03/02/2010
my husband was diagnosed as a child. he was adopted his adoptive parents gave up. i know it sounds corney but just love em. it has taken 10 years for us to get to a good point. it can and does get better. kids are serching for who they are anyway compile with anything else its tough.getting older and more able to understand is when we started seeing changes. my brother was also adopted and is 13 now we sill struggle but its worth it.
Lori - posted on 02/14/2010
How are you doing? where did you adopt from? I have two bio boys. One daughter from kaz adopted at age 2 1/2 then a daughter from Russia. Adopted at ag 9. delayed. bossy, demanding, defiant, opposistional, control freak. will post more later.
I work in the adoption profession.
RAD therapy/ speech therapy. If speech is not developed, can cause frustration through emotions. delayed in native lang. learning how to process lang/ pragmatics/
Elfi - posted on 10/15/2009
I found theraplay useful with this particularly with a child who was sensitive to touch and did not want to hug.
Barb - posted on 08/29/2009
I just joined so am late on responding to this thread. We have 4 adopted children, now ages 20-26. We first heard of RAD when it was just being discovered or defined. Tips:
Learn everything you can about RAD. Know the symptoms. Be smarter than your child. They will try to con and manipulate. They don't trust. They just don't. Not only that, it's hard to trust them and much of the time, you shouldn't.
Be consistent. We had to hold to our guns about our family "rules." It's hard at the time but I do think it pays in the end.
When they are grown, and still struggle with trust, because if they truly have RAD, they will struggle with trust, be willing to let them go. BUT, always be there and supportive without enabling. Our 26 year old left home after highschool because he didn't like our rules. We helped him find a place to live. Listened to him when he called to talk. We feel like the lines of communication have actually improved as time has gone by. He still struggles with trust but now says he knows coming to live with us was best for him and considers us his REAL parents. It took time, lots of it. But to hear him thank us for adopting him, makes it all worth it. He calls just to talk now, and we still listen, even though we don't always agree with his choices.
This is a lifelong battle. Hang in there!
Diane - posted on 05/07/2009
We adopted 3 little boys all diaognosed with RADs. We found that the most effective intervention for attachment therapy has been Movement therapy. It is designed to get both sides of the brain talking, in doing so it redirects neurotransmitters helping the childs thinking to change. Also,, Dr. Dan Hughes is the leading attachment therapist and he has written several books on re-attachment. they have helped us immeasurably. He travels nationally and gives trainings. If you have a post adoptive support group in your area, suggest that he come and give a training for foster and adoptive parents..
Paula - posted on 04/23/2009
We adopted our 2 children in 2005 from foster care and they are now 8 and 7. Our daughter went through some trauma before we got them. She as been in play therapy since she was 3. She will go up to strangers and hug them and will act as if she doesn't know family. This has been a real issue. We have to reinforce before we go to family gatherings the boundries of what is allowed. She tells everyone she loves them even if she doesn't know them. Again we have to go over the boundries. It has gotten a little better in the last year with her therapy and now because of other issues, she is on meds and it has helped with this issue a little. Each day gets a little better and hopefully will help her in the long run to have normal relationships and be happy which is all we can wish for for our children!
Jill - posted on 04/17/2009
I have an adopted child who we adopted as a toddler who was severly neglected by bmom. My daughter is now 10. We spent several years doing attchment therapy that I assume was simialr to what you are doing. After she stalled getting healthier our therapist suggested that the real issue might be trauma and referred us to another therapist who does EMDR/ trauma therapy. Holy Cow What a differnce it has made. It has given us back our daugher and we are starting to clean up the collateral damage she caused to her siblings and to us. We still deal with the trust thing but it is MUCH better. For example, she is terrified that I am going to cut her when I trim her nails. Please feel free to ask me anything else that might help you. You can go online to emdria.org for more info on emdr. Good luck
Natalie - posted on 02/28/2009
We adopted our oldest when he was 9. He has been diagnosed as RAD. He is going to be 18 in May. Trust is still a huge issue. Our therapist essentially fired us as our son wouldn't talk to him and he had a waiting list... Our son's psychologist told us he is one of the top 5 most difficult kids he works with. This is hard to hear and hard to deal with. We just hope that he is a successful adult in some way. We have come to the point that we know we cannot help someone who will not help themselves. We can just be there to try to help when he needs us.
Laura - posted on 02/25/2009
Thank you for your response. We do have a wonerful Dr. who is helping us, but sometimes it's just comforting to know that we are really not alone in this. The stares you get in public when you must parent your child in an effective way, the looks of pity or disbelief from under-educated educators when your children con, lie, or steal with no remorse. I'm embarrassed to say I have some symptoms of burn out! In the past few days, however, total strangers have appeared, unsolicited, in my professional life who are miraculously children of adoption or work with RAD children...and of course the support from other Mom's. So I choose to re-focus and hop back on the roller coaster! Once again so very nice to hear from you. Laura
Sara - posted on 02/24/2009
I adopted two children from foster care (4 year old and 7 year old) about two years ago. When the kids were placed in our home - we had to set pretty strict boundaries. I think that the RAD in my 4 year old was the opposite of what you are experiencing ....because he would go up to anyone and give them a hug and tell them he loved them (of course we loved it when he did this to us - but strangers in the grocery store weren't quite so understanding). We made the rule that he had to know the person's name before he could give a hug. That rule worked and he has outgrown that stage. As far as the 7 year old...she was a little less trusting of people - not afraid to ask for anything she wanted, but at the same time, pretty reserved and liked to spend time in her room alone and continues to do odd behaviors in order to get attention. The only advice that I can give in this situation is again consistency and continued support to show them that you are in this for the long haul and that you aren't going anywhere and that you love them no matter what. We have gained the trust over the last few years - have a ways to go yet, but are definitely starting to form that bond. Good luck!