Telling your child he/she is adopted or not?

Sarah - posted on 10/26/2012

you have to inform her of being adopted. I always knew my cousins were, made no difference xx

Lara - posted on 10/23/2012

Our son was 5 when adopted so obviously the decision was out of our hands but even when we were looking into adopting a newborn domestically, we always felt our child deserved to know. We planned to be honest and felt that if they always knew there would be no surprises or feelings of deception later on. I agree with Julie. Research shows that this is the healthiest way to be. I understand your fears especially since your adoption is very open and the birth mom is part of your life but research shows that open adoptions are the most successful and children thrive in them. There are some great books on the subject, some even written for young children.

Davonne - posted on 01/28/2012

I guess the adoption process is A LOT different in the States than it is in Canada. We went through the adoption process here in Ontario and as part of that process we had to go through hours and hours of "training" and education on all things adoption...the process, parenting, etc. All of the facilitators were either adopted themselves as infants, practiced adopt law or had adopted. All of them stressed the importance of telling your adopted child/ren about their adoption story as soon as possible in language that they can understand.



Not telling them for fear of rejection from your adopted child/ren is selfish. If you're more concerned about your feelings getting hurt over your future adoptive child/ren's feelings, you probably should think twice about adopting. Like my adoption practitioner (who herself was adopted) told us, adoption is the only way of parenting where the needs of the child are put above and beyond the needs of the parents.



Open adoption is the ONLY way to properly deal with this situation if you want to establish a healthy, happy relationship with your adoptive child.

Jamie - posted on 12/11/2011

I would definitely tell them!

There is a lot of research that has been done on infant adoption that has been surprising the adoption community about the trauma an infant faces after birth and separation of their birth mother: https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:swXJ3ojy9rAJ:www.vivapartnership.com/images/Hidden_Trauma_Part_1_-_A_Look_at_Often_Minimized_Experiences.pdf+&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESg_RgUN3zoYtnSbkdZRAHW4aFq-bL9V3m3VQoC_nkym9oWWlZCw-PHhWp4xCAupDxPpq3MmfizNneqeyELfIqvYfIi7SE51ZFHov6QO2ejiJzhaVJp7bJlA1sOWfELEU4cEc306&sig=AHIEtbR0uAWZV1lIZaYULj39T_ajLdMZ8Q&pli=1

That is the first one that popped up, but there are a lot of other scholarly articles you can find, that suggest the earlier to explain to their children the truth of their origins the more healing it is for them. Even if you think there is nothing wrong.

Adoption is beautiful, but it is different than birth and I think the healthiest families I have been around have respected adoption and treated it like a beautiful melding of families.

That is just my 2cents!

Darlene - posted on 10/04/2011

Im in the process of adopting a child ,ives foster from birth. I have been ponedering the same ?'s on how to tell hi,. Im making him a baby book ALL BAout ME . Im putting his baby pics with his mom and his dad his grandma and us as he looks and as he grows . When he old enough to ask ?'s Im hoing it will make it easier for him to except by seeing these pics earley on darlene

Danielle - posted on 05/11/2011

BEFORE you adopt...you need to get educated on what has been proven to be best for the adopted child...and that is that the child know about their REAL birth and adoption story from day one. Again..as I said..you really risk harming your child by not telling her what is the TRUTH. The last thing we want to do as parents is get caught lying by our children. All three of my children are adopted, and I have 2 stepdaughters, and every single one of them is secure in their position and place in our family...and NONE of them ever feel that they are any less than any other child. If you show your choild that the love you have for them has no biological boundaries...then you will have a wonderful..open and honest relationship with them. And trust me...if the adoption agency or CPs know that your plan is to hide the fact that this child is adopted...that you are robbing them of the truth about the beauty of their own story...they will very likely make iot incredibly difficult for you to adopt.....

Aidra - posted on 05/05/2011

I'm 29 and TTC for oer 4 years now, it doesn't seem like it will happen and so my DH and I are prepareing ourselves for the adoption process. with that said, I am a traditionalist at heart and if i could get away with it I would rather my adopted child never know that they were not my biological child... obviously i am concerned about accidentally letting it slip, or the truth coming out via family members... so it is painfully obvious that i could not curl up in a lie and live happily ever after pretending to be a biological mother. so i do plan on being honest with my future adopted child, but not until they are older... IDK if that would be after college, in their teens, or even from day one... how can you look into the eyes of a child's face that you so desperately wanted to be your own and encourage them to know that they are not yours completely? how do you carefully place such a large adult conversation onto the tiny shoulders of such a fragile child and hope that they understand, and even more so hope that they do not become desensitized to the idea that you are not their BM... but then again how do you lie to them either?

My older sister was told at the age of 16 that our father was not her BF... at the tender age of 7 years old I grasped the severity of the issue, and was deeply concerned that my older sister was not fully related to me, she is still my sis, but that tiny bit of stupid information is a title that will forever hang over my sister until my dying day... and what good did knowing it do? she became depressed, gained 100s of pounds, and felt worthless... she dropped out of highschool, guards her emotions, and never had a single relationship until she reached the age of 35 (now she is living with her first boyfriend) life has not been kind to her, would her life have ended up this way regardless of whether she knew or not? probably... but in all honesty knowing the truth... didn't do one inkling of good for my half sister... or the rest of the family for that matter (my other full sister doesn't get along with our half sister, they have not talked in years)

so, ultimately I think you need to think about what is good for your adopted child... in your particular circumstance, if you decide that you want to tell your adopted daughter that she was adopted thats fine, but you need to tell her who her mother is... it is not fair to grow up knowing that you are adopted, and never knowing that your BM is just a hug away... if thats the case; then i wouldn't tell her at all...

Danie - posted on 02/22/2011

the biggest mistake you can make here Estelle, is not talking about your child's adoption from the very beginning of her life. Each one of my children has known about their special adoption story from the time they were very young. They certainly DO feel like my own children, but I can't rob them of the truth about their birth, and if you do, you will definitely harm the relationship you have with her when she gets older and finds out the truth. If you keep it as positive as possible, it will be a wonderful birth and adoption story for her, that she will cherish and be proud to tell others about. I feel threatened by the fact that my children may one day want to meet their birthmother, because she seriously abused them and almost killed my daughter...and even if it had been an adoption out of more positive situation, I would still have felt threatened..we ALL most likely do...but please realize that YOU are her Mommy hun..NO ONE else can and will EVER take her place..but please...don't keep her very special story away from her and hope that she never finds out...because you will then be faced with a MAJOR crisis, and it will harm your relationship with her, as she will most likely feel like she cannot trust you to be honest with her. Being her adoptive mother does NOT make you any less important...not in ANY way. If this person is still in your child's life, then refer to her as "aunt" or something else, and I would tell her who she is when she's about 3 to 4 years old...otherwise, hiding it from her will become your biggest nightmare.Telling her when she is too old will be too much of a shock for her, and it can seriously damage the way she views herself, and her relationship with others in her life. Whether they are adopted or we birthed them, they are our children, and biology will NOT make her think less of you as her Mommy...trust me....my oldest daughters are 9 and 11, and right now, they have no desire to see their biological mother, and in fact, they are threatened by HER, and I need to consistently assure them that I am their Mommy, and it will be that way forever....

Candace - posted on 11/30/2010

I am not a mother but I am in this exact situation, I am the child involved though. I was adopted by my aunt and uncle at birth..i call them mom and dad...but I am really my uncle (the person i refer to as dad) sister's child. Hence, I am really his niece but to him I am his daughter because they raised me and I agree 100% but I didn't find out any of this until I was 17, I am now 22 so it is still fairly new to me. I only found out because I had suspicions and I asked but the problem was that all ties to my biological mother had been cut off because of tension between her and her brother. Over the past 4 years, this has tormented me with questions as to why, how, things like that. I went from having one sister to having 7 sisters and a brother OVERNIGHT literally. My biological mom (my "aunt") has one other child and my biological dad has 6 other children. I would say to let your child know when she is able to comprehend and understand what you are telling her. I definitely wish I would have known all my life, for the sole purpose of not having all this pain I am dealing with now. It's a touchy situation but it really comes down to what you think is best because ultimately that is something that is only up to you.

Adoption Learning Partners - posted on 08/11/2010

I recommend this course from Adoption Learning Partners: Let's Talk Adoption: A Lifetime of Family Conversations.

This course pulls from the wisdom of adoptive parents, adopted persons and adoption professionals to help parents identify and overcome barriers to talking about adoption.

Adoptive parents will learn to:
Explore their child’s developmental stages and learn strategies for addressing questions at each stage.
Communicate strategies through the analysis of actual parent-child dialogues.
Build a collection of tools for talking about adoption.
Share in the wisdom and experience of adoptive parents, adopted persons and professionals through adoption stories.

http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/...

Judi - posted on 06/08/2010

I have to agree with telling them the truth. My daughter is adopted through family and she sees her BM all of the time. She is only one right now. We talk openly about her being adopted. Just like the Jungle Book. I tell her stories of the baby bear cub that was raised by the turtle family because his mommy had too many babies to care for and wanted him to have the best care possible. I make the stories up to explain to her that there are always situations where other families adopt babies. I know the day will come to tell her who her biological parents are. I will never lie to her. But I will wait for her to ask. My entire family supports this and we asked that they not be the ones to give this information to our daughter. More than anything I let her know that I will always be there for her, I love her, and I have wanted her long before she ever came to me. I feel if I raise her right, give her the love she needs and a wonderful family life. When she meets her BM she will always know that I am here for her. She might want to go spend time with her BM or go somewhere with her or hang out. I don't want to prevent that, I just want her to know that I will be her safe haven always to come back to. Have faith in your love and bond. Nobody can take that from the two of you. Not even the one who carried her. I wish you the best and look forward to years of stories that we share here. It's just the beginning I'm sure there are many rough roads to come. Good luck and God Bless you!

Tonya - posted on 05/11/2010

I was adopted from birth to a loving, wonderful mom. When I was about 13 I had kids telling me I was adopted I asked my mom & at first she said she had me but a short while later she sat down & told me the whole story about how I was adopted & how I was very much loved & wanted . At first I was very angry because I wondered what else she hadn't told me but then I realized as I got older that she had done that because she was afraid that I wouldn't feel the same way towards her. I feel that she is my only mother & I have been blessed to be a part of her life. I now have a son that we adopted from Russia when he was 6 mo. old , 11 yrs. ago & I have told him from a very early age that he was adopted he thinks this is very cool, so I definitely think when the time is right you should tell her, because you don't want her to hear it from someone else. You might be surprised at how better it makes your bond with her by telling her.

Meghan - posted on 04/28/2010

I know many many adopted kids and I AM one too. I always knew I was adopted, it was just something that was accepted as daily life. some of my friends didn't know until later in life, and let me tell you, kids always find out in the teen years if they've never been told before. NOT GOOD! Teens are going through all kinds of hormonal imbalances and identity crises etc. Finding out they were adopted throws them into a more violent identity crisis and MOST of them, when they find out as a teen, NEED to find their BM. (I'm serious, everyone I know who didn't know about being adopted until the teen years reacted this way) My mom(adopted mom) always told me I was adopted b/c my BM wanted a better life for me, which I really actually appreciated later on. It was never a problem for me being adopted, and I never had the overwhelming urge to find my BM. And I didn't have any extra identity crisis as a teen fueled by my not knowing. I have a couple of other friends who ALSO always knew about it...once again...NOT A BIG DEAL.
I have since found my birth mom, and half sister, and half brothers...or rather THEY found ME. We are all happy to know each other, but she's not my MOM... my mom raised me, my dad raised me, my parents were there EVERYDAY through my life. My mom knows my BM found me and that we've talked, and she's completely ok with it. You have to be confident in knowing that regardless of genetics, YOU WILL BE HER MOM.....


BUT I STRONGLY ADVISE TELLING HER!!!! don't make it a HUGE conversation, you can start now by just rambling to her about how you love her and how her birth-giver(use THAT term) loved her too and wanted to give her a better life by giving her to you. trust me...it's better that way :)

Gina - posted on 04/20/2010

I feel a child ALWAYS has the right to know the truth and their history. There is a way to do it and the right timing is everything. It scared me to death when we first adopted our first child. Thank goodness now, and she is only 8, I feel secure enough in our relationship that I'm ok with knowing she will one day probably meet her. I wish I was her ONLY mommy but I'm not. It's not fair to her to keep it from her. I love her enough to tell her. It's only right. Her b-mom gave me the most precious gift I could ever hope for. My daughter has her God given right to know who loved her enough to make that sacrifice. That all being said, I pray I can stay strong when that day comes.

Tina - posted on 04/10/2010

You need to tell her other wise she will grow up thinking something is wrong with her an not knowing what. With the whole family knowing and her not it will come out one day. If she finds out from someone else or finds out as a teenager she will definitly resent you. You need to honest with her from the very beginning.

Andrea - posted on 04/09/2010

We always have acted on the philosophy that it was better to be open about adoption. We felt keeping things a secret might feel like a betrayal or something you were ashamed of when they finally found out they were adopted (because it's bound to happen). We've always tried to express to our son that he is loved that much more because he was adopted. We keep in contact and visit with his birth parents periodically and they can express their love for him too, but he knows they loved him enough to want him to go to a stable family with a mother and father as a forever family. Yours is a tough one though. Having the adoption within the family makes it harder to know what to do, but it sounds like a great thing that you have the BM referring to you as mom etc. The best I can say is just to pray about it. Good luck.

JUDI - posted on 04/08/2010

We adopted my daughter 11months ago. We adopted her within our family. The biological mom is and always will be in our immediate family. We have decided to let her know her entire life that she is adopted. We tried for 13 years to have a baby. God had other plans for us. Samantha is loved so much that one person carried her and let her grow for nine months (I was at every doctors appointment from the time she was a 6week embryo). That teen could have ended that pregnancy but she loved Sam enough to follow through. When she was born she was handed to me in the delivery room and I was given a private room for my husband and I to stay in for the 24 hour wait for tests. The biological mom left as soon as all waivers were signed for Sam to go home with me. The day everything became final in court is documented in Sam's scrapbook. I don't ever want to lie to her about being adopted. We CHOSE her. You can't get much more love than that. She was not a mistake or an accident. I have planned on her my entire life. We do not intend to tell her about her BM until she asks us about her. Then I will not lie. At that point she will know how loved she is and I will have done the best that I can. She will want to spend time with her and ask questions but I am not worried about her wanting someone else as a mom. It will hurt, but the truth is always going to be best. Trust your heart, that's how you got her!!

Jennifer - posted on 03/29/2010

My parents adopted my children just a year ago when they were 4 and 6 I very much support the openness, hey let her know that this is your "tummy mommy" Like Kim said matter of fact tones of voice and rational conversation about it with your child from an early age can really be beneficial. My boys both call me Mommy Jenny and my mom either Nana or Mommy. It helps my boys to know that they can call me anytime and that I am their mommy but I have problems and chose to do what was best for them by letting them live with their nana and papa....Like someone else said, you chose her to be your daughter how can you go wrong with an act of love?

Shanna - posted on 03/11/2010

We have had our daughter since she was 3 weeks old. She is now 6 and she knows she was adopted that she didn't grow in my tummy like her brothers did. She is fine with it all. I have not told her who bio-mom is that I am saving until she is older and is able to understand better. I think it is good for them to know that they are adopted, that they grew in someone elses tummy and that they couldn't take care of her and how you chose her to be your daughter. But save everything else for a later time. Just my opinion though.

Janelle - posted on 03/02/2010

there is nothing wrong with telling your child that hey i love you so much i chose you to be my child. you werent an act of nature but of love. how can you ever go wrong with that. adopted or not there are always questions as kids grow. every child goes through a finding themselves stage. having answers as aposed to not helps. i have seen both sides the telling with love wich worked for my brother and my kids. and the not telling and telling wrong.

Kim - posted on 02/14/2010

Our precious daughter is also adopted. We received her two weeks after birth. Though I always planned to tell her about her adoption, I also sought help in doing it. (I also never want her to think I've lied to her.) The counselor I talked with said that the way the child accepts the adoption story is in direct relation to how the parent talks about it. If the parent is very emotional (understandably, but...) it can be traumatic for the child. So, we talk with our daughter in very matter of fact tones of voices and talk about her life prior to us just like it is normal - which in her life it is. However, in your case, the birth mother must be consulted before her identity is ever revealed to the child, I think. Probably someone who has done an "Open Adoption" would be better to consult than I am. Sorry!

Yvonne - posted on 02/10/2010

Wow, that is a tough one, I agree! I adopted my son as a baby also but through foster care. My dad didn't really want me to tell him that he was adopted but when everyone in the family knows it would be difficult to keep a secret. So, I think telling children is the best idea. I'm not sure about telling your daughter WHO her bio mom is, though. I agree with Julie, speak to a counselor and do some research. Good luck to you!!

Julie - posted on 02/05/2010

My husband and I are in the process of adopting and I know your concerns. I have been doing some reading and research and it does support telling the child. We intend to let it be known from day one and will always encourage our child to ask questions. There are some great children's books that explain adoption too. One is by Jamie Lee Curtis. I can't think of the name off hand, but it is a great story.



My fear of not telling the child is in the future if they found out, I think it would devistate them. I think they would feel lied to and may cause them to distance themselves from the adoptive parents. If it were me who was adopted, but never told, I don't know who I could trust again if I later found out.



Another thing to think about if anything every happens medically, the secret could be exposed then. I don't know if it's worth the risk.



Ultimately, you are the child's mother. Her biological mother only carried her in her belly. You are the one that the child will recognize as mommie no matter what because that is what you are.



I hope this helps. I wish you luck with your decision. Do some research, speak with a counselor about your fears and see what they suggest as to how to handle each situatioin.



God Bless,

Julie