9 year old daughter won't wipe.

Annie - posted on 04/10/2013

I've been having the same issue with my step daughter who will turn 9 in a few months. When she goes #1 she will only wipe with 2 squares of toilet paper if she thinks she won't get caught. When she goes #2 we have told her to make sure she wipes from front to back yet occasionally I catch her wiping back to front. She was told to use toilet paper and get it as clean as she can then to use a baby wipe to double check and make sure she is clean. Every week we still have the issue with a hamper full of dirty panties, or worse, we find out she has not been changing her panties. She needs to be constantly reminded that she must wash her hands after she uses the bathroom. We also have a 2 year old in the house and I feel bad when I tell her not to touch her sister's face or food because I know she's only trying to help but I honestly don't trust where her hands have been and whether or not they are clean.

We have tried having the talk about the health consequences of poor personal hygiene as well as the social consequences when she smells bad but none of that seems to sink in. She makes up excuses and reasons for why she wasn't able to clean herself well.

We have even gone as far as to make her wash the panties to see if it helps her realize how nasty it is but that doesn't get us anywhere either. We started that policy because she thought that we would just throw them away and buy her new panties every week. When we told her that we would not she said she would just ask her mother to buy them for her instead.

My husband has legal and primary custody of my step daughter so she lives with us. I'm not looking forward to the next few years and the approach of puberty and womanly problems, especially if we cannot get the issue resolved with wiping herself clean before then. I will be stuck with the task of having that talk with her.

I do feel a little better knowing that my husband and I are not alone in this matter.

Kiwi - posted on 12/02/2012

I to have this problem it's good to know i'm not alone, my daughter keeps the house spotless and loves her room clean but her body is a different story does anyone know of it been a psychologjcal problem? or is it just a phase? she wont wipe at all 1s and 2s she is 8 but the odour is sickening i've tried to show her and told her she smells which i dont like doing i just don't understand could my have telling her not to let anyone touch her down there have caused this?

Sandy - posted on 11/29/2012

i'm having this issue with my step daughter. Ever since i met her (she had just turned 8) she didn't wipe. I've had many talks with her about the issue. Now it's like here and there she doesn't wipe. Some of my biggest concerns is the fact that she's extremely over weight and i know she will be getting her period soon which makes me all the more concerned because she already smells because she isn't cleaning herself properly. I've discussed UTI's and smelling with her, been so blunt that i told her she smells and have asked her if she smells herself too when she opens her legs (she said yes, and that it's gross).



Another big concern i have with her poor hygiene is that i have a 5 month old that i don't want her touching because i constantly look at her as a germ walking. When i can i tell her to wash her hands. i've explained how sick she can make the baby and even told her that she can kill the baby with her germs if he gets too sick. i hate doing it, but i thought putting fear into it would help, but it doesn't.



When my husband spoke to her mother about it, she replied with "she doesn't do that when she's with me. " Which makes me wonder, is she not paying enough attention to her that this is her cry for attention?



Such a frustrating thing to have to go through. Especially because she isn't my biological daughter and i have a huge fear she's going to get my baby sick :(

Michele - posted on 04/26/2012

Have you tried showing her videos on the impact of not wiping? Sometimes, kids listen to other people who say the same thing that you are saying but it has a greater impact. Or get back to the beginning and let her go to the bathroom with you.

I am having that problem with my 5 year old on both sides of the bathroom issue. So, I am still in the experimenting mode. I wish you much success with the 9 years old.

Julia - posted on 04/25/2012

Here's an update...

After reading link that Denise posted (http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting-K-6...).

I tweaked it a bit to fit a pre-teen girl because checking her could be way more stressful!! (-;

1.) Not focusing on it as much...helps me!

2.) the reward system is something she seemed excited about.

So now I have her sort and wash her own laundry (with supervision). She said she would like the boy shorts underwear and I said if you can show me that in a week that you can have clean underwear I will buy a pack and give you one pair...then we will see how it goes.

3.) I focus on her good grades and the positive things she does!



Her newest thing is when I hear the bathtub running, she is washing herself off. So, I guess she needs a bidet (like they use in Europe)...I'm half joking here.



I'm still cleaning the toilet seats though, ugh!...hopefully this will change soon! (sometimes I have her do it with a little mommy help).



Thank you everyone for reading, advising and being supportive about this embarrassing problem. Parent Power!!



on a side note...I failed to mention, this all started in 3rd grade when the teacher would let the children go potty 1 time a day and it was ONLY after lunch. I strongly disagree with this policy as it caused her to learn to HOLD it in until this time...which resulted in a larger sized problem.



p.s. Other things I had tried...

1.) Mentioning to her "Gee, I sure hope your classmates can't smell you, that would be a bummer."

2.) The wet wipes were temporary she would use them up in one or two days or let them dry out by leaving the lid open. And the body spray (room fragrance, cologne) she would use as a weapon against her brother.

3.) She has had the American Girl book since she was 8 years old. Last week in school they had "the talk" about girls becoming women and this has had a small impact on her. Even though we had that talk already it is reinforced by teachers. They do discuss cleanliness!

Tyandra - posted on 04/24/2012

As terrible of a problem as this is, it's relieving to find out I'm not alone here. My daughter is 10. Same thing as the rest of you: dirty panties and an unwillingness/desire from her to fix the problem. And nothing I've tried so far has worked. I took a peek at the link Denise posted. This will be my next attempt. Others have recommended I have her read the American Girl book "The Care and Keeping of You". None of my sisters or I had this problem growing up. I don't get why our kids don't want to keep themselves clean.
http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-Ameri...

Julia - posted on 04/20/2012

10 1/2 yr old won't wipe either! A enormous source of frustration for my husband and I. We have tried parenting classes, empathy, having her wash her own underwear, round table discussions, body sprays/washes and if it is physical or mental. She will lie and say she does wipe but the stained underwear tell a different story. I've thrown away 20 pairs and stupid me bought her more... she stained those too! I haven't bought any recently but I believe this is a combination problem of growing up. She is also extremely spoiled... and we have difficulties having her clean her room or even pick up after herself. She has chores but usually she will find a way not to do them, her father will do them for her instead of not letting her go outside and play. This has caused problems in our marriage as well, if we do not have a unified front how can the problem be solved! The instructor at our Love and Logic classes said that she is doing it for attention and that she believes my daughter is obsessive compulsive.

Kagisho - posted on 04/03/2012

Try the wet wipe thing, some girly brand and maybe buy her some girly spray, nothing too strong. My girl started having body odour around ten and I had trouble getting her to bathe at least once a day, esp during school holidays. no amount of begging, or yelling or convincing seemed to work; At times I would literally run the bath for her and command her to get in. Then I bought her a teen spray. From then she couldn't wait to bath coz she always looked forward to spraying it on herself. She's 13 noe and she bathes twice a day without any reminders;

Denise - posted on 02/20/2012

Just wanted to post a link to an answer for this problem. Going to try it-I have nothing to lose.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting-K-6...

Isabelle - posted on 02/09/2012

My 9 year old refuses to wipe as well. I am pulling my hair out with all the poopy underwear. She has been to the doctor twice - been examined in stirrups for the rash and peeling skin. I would have thought the embarassment of it would have set her straight. Nope. The doctor asks her "Why won't you wipe?" She just says over and over, "I don't know." We have tried special new underwear, making her wear the old stained ones, rewards, punishment, doing it for her....nothing works. Next is a developmental therapist - to see if she has a brain problem with not only that but these strange crying outbursts. To be fair - her brother also has problems with wiping and flushing. The flushing I blame on the schools with their automatic toilets. I just can't imagine why someone this old would CHOOSE to be smelly and dirty. If anyone has ideas I am OPEN!

Denise - posted on 01/29/2012

Wow, I thought my daughter was the only one. I have done the same as you, Shannon. Telling her she's going to get a UTI and her friends will stop hanging out with her because she stinks, etc. I have had to become very up front to the point of telling her exactly how to wash there when taking a shower, and now am going to wipe for her when she goes next time to show her exactly what she needs to do. I am going to see if the paper is too rough, etc., so she avoids it, or is she just not thorough enough. Hopefully I will get to the bottom of the situation-so to speak. I figure there has to be a reason why she's not doing it or doing it wrong. She might be embarrassed, but she'll get over it and hopefully this will solve the problem.



Best of luck!

Dawn - posted on 10/20/2010

try putting a packet of wet wipes in the bathroom she might enjoy using them instead also reward her every time she does wipe let her colour in a square and earn herself 10p she will soon like the benifits hope this idea helps