ten and spoiled. HELP

Laura - posted on 05/12/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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hey guys i have a ten year old step-daughter. i have been in her life since around her 8th birthday. my hubby and i have custody during the school year, bio-mom has her for the summer and lives across the u.s. my problem is that she is SPOILED. she never had to clean her own room before and mom still cleans her room at her house. she is very lazy, leaves her dishes and garbage whereever she wants, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. etc. i wasn't brought up this way and she is TEN. she should have chores and clean up after herself. we have a daughter who is almsot one and i think its going to be hard to teach her to clean up her own messes and have chores when her big sister doesn't do it. my husband is very lax and she knows how to work him....like when she is supposed to be cleaning her room and she keeps coming out to talk to him until he forgets. or she will say she is done and he takes her word for it. she knows she can get away with it and i have pointed out what she is doing. he is ready to sit down and we are going to make rules chores and consequences but i wanted feedback on what kinds of chores your kids do at this age. we told her once she can do her chores without being reminded ot having to re-do them she will receive an allowance (her response was she doesn't want anything, she can ask mommy or grandma if she wants something) this is not the way i want MY daughter growing up and i think it is unhealthy for her too. she should be learning responsibilty. my parenst were strict, his were not and me and my husband can't decide what to do. anybody wanna chime in?

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Laura - posted on 05/22/2010

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he isn"t completely oblivious...he has noticed alot since i started pointing out. i think he was in the mind set of "she's my baby" and was also blindsided by biomom walking out. he does make them do stuff like hey pick up your backpack, he is a clean freak but he usually ends up doing it all himself. Maddie and i are friends and he usually handles most of the discipline since he's dad and im stepmom. maybe i mispresented that. maddie loves me and i love her. we do alot together. its just a few little things that are hard for me to figure out how to handle. i've never had kids before. i didnt raise her from start to now! so i figured i asked tyhe pros.

Myra - posted on 05/16/2010

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Laura i feel your pain, the big picture is that the 10 year old only is told about these disciplinary chores from you, i found that with my two eldest i would try to instill certain values but they would be contradicted by granny etc. It would be harder in your situation as you aren't mom so sitting down and discussing with them what your'e doing will help her in the long run may not work,my daughter also does the same thing not washing up after herself and every item that reaches her hand reaches her bedroom floor, talking, grounding or rewarding didn't work to get her do the chores so i've made a point where when she wants to do something i make it just as hard for her. We make a deal clean your room and you MAY get what you want. I don't comprehend her behaviour as she's a girl and should take more pride in being clean, in being a lady.Hope this helped, oh also your husband needs to be more focused and on point with her tricks then it'll work better.

Jilmar - posted on 05/14/2010

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I'm sorry you feel that way, but I believe you won't be able to change her ways if your hubby doesn't care. You ask what kind of chores she's supposed to do at 10, but you also mentioned your parents made you do chores, so... what kind of chores did you do at 10? You already know allowance won't make her do her chores, so I believe grounding her would be a better option, not spanking her, but taking away from her what she loves the most, maybe t.v., talking on the phone, computer, music, video games???? You have to know what she loves, because she lives with you the most! You have to acknowledge if she does something good too, like good grades, nice to her sister, etc. Trying to earn respect is not precisely the best way to approach this issue, maybe learning how to get to be her friend instead of her wicked step mom is the solution. She's only 10, you are a grown woman, do the math and you'll be able to find a solution for your problem, by not making it a problem, but a way to learn, teach and love each other. Good luck!!!

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