Erin - posted on 03/27/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
My story is pretty screwed up. I get to go see my sons the weekend after Easter!! YEAH!!! The thing is it is my parents that adopted them. I had till they were 3 and 5, then I got lost to an addiction and asked my parents to help so I could get it together and get clean. When I got clean they told me i sign the adoption papers or never see them again. So, i only had like 60 or so days clean, I was so scared I would never see them again so I signed. Given it took me 3 yrs. to get it together and get clean. I FUCKED UP! Now Have a husband a 3 yr. old and a 1 yr. old. The problem would be my parents force my sons t call me there sister and me to say they are my brothers, if I don't i can't see or talk to them. So, I do even though it kills me. I miss my abaies so much. With out them I would of killed myself when I was in the dark depth of my addiction. i have over 5 years clean now but it kills me to call them my brothers, they are MY sons. What do I tell my childrenI live with now to call them? My parents say they are their uncles and I just can't do that. What do I tell my 3 year old he loves my older sons to death. What do i tell my younger children and even my older and if this is so confusing to me what is it doing to my 4 sons. Oh man do I need help. Why was i such a fuckup? Mom said she prayed to God for sons of her own and look what he gave her but why didit have to be me? Why does God hate me and love her so much more? I am so lost and confused. If I don't play by my parents rule I can't have contact with my sons but this is getting so hard. Sorry i am rambling but I have never talked about any of this with anyone before. Some pain is to deep to talk to people about unless you have been there too.See, I cry way to much. Iam so sorry i was a fuck up but why does this still hurt so bad ? I t has been around 8 years but what do Isay to my sons? Please help. I do know this is all my fault, it waS MY CHOICES THAT BROUGHT THIS ABOUT AND i COULD HAVE DID IT DIFFERENTLY AND IT IS all MY FAULT. i KNOW THIS BUT IT STILL KILLS ME.