How to deal with a daughter and son-in-law who keep you from seeing your grand children.

Wendy - posted on 08/27/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My oldest daughter and her husband are very self serving, they use their children as catalysts to perpetuate their ignorance. I don't have money but have done alot of things for them. The other grandma has an open wallet and has never been disallowed to see the grand children. She is treated totally different by them than I am. I basically am easily dismissed, which is usually after I am not needed any more. My daughter treats me with total disrespect and disregard. I have been told that I am not welcome in their home and I am not allowed to see my grand children. I have not done anything that would warrant this action. I don't believe I should be treated this way. I do not know what to do.

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Mary - posted on 02/04/2014

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It's sad and part of a culture that no longer is connected with generations and I believe a culture of disregarding/ respecting elders.
I have one grandchild I was "allowed" to develop a relationship with for 14 myths before my argumentative and domineering daughter starting using that relationship to pick at me and be rude to me, knowing I needed to bow to stay involved with my grandchild. It's a story I've heard from my friends.
I have decided for my own sanity and harmony, I need to let go and give energy where I'm wanted and feel good about myself. This daughter if mine was always a bright and argumentative child that could be cold. I was hopeful I would be "useful" to her enough to be able to maintain and develop a happy relationship between my grandson and I, but it is going to be restricted and managed according to my daughter's unreasonable nature and it has a cost to my sense of well being. I love and miss him, and I am sure he wonders where grandma went, but I don't have the energy to fight this out.

April - posted on 02/28/2010

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I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am in the same situation. I have two sons and the one son and his wife don't speak to me or allow me to see my granddaughter. They don't accept mail or anything from me. I know that letting go is hard but it is the best thing. I have not seen my granddaughter for over a year now. I continue to pray about it and hope that someday things will get better but it does not do me any good with my health issues to get all worked up about it on a daily basis. My DIL told me she wanted no further contact and I told my son they both need to leave me alone if that is what they want. I leave them alone. I love them all very much. That never stops. I miss them all very much. That never stops. Get a journal a write to your grandchildren. Someday maybe you can give it to them. That way they will know that you were thinking of them. Don't badmouth their parents in the journal. Just write about how it is a nice sunny day and you wish you could take them to the park or something like that. How you remember when they played in the sprinklers etc. Make it fun and light and happy for them. Tell them about yourself too. Things you like to do etc. Keep the faith.

Wendy - posted on 07/03/2010

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As of July 2nd I have not been allowed to see my grandchildren. My daughter and her husband have decided to cut any contact from me including any gifting to the kids.

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Nila H - posted on 09/21/2014

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Hi, it is really sad what a lot of grandparents go through just to see their own kids and grand children. I am a single grand mother and recently retired. I sold my home and my son sold his home. We bought a house where I have my own area in his big house. A mother in law suite.
I am very independent person.
so...being that...
before I took this step I sat down and talked to both, my son and my daughter in law. I told them how I see my next 20 years of life.
First, I love them all dearly. BUT I am not a 24/ 7 babysitter. Not a maid.
Yes I will help them anytime if needed. So we make plans. What day and when they need me or I need them. I ask them if I can take kids out to movies or swimming or any other activity. I travel a lot so I like to take my grand kids. Can't take the youngest one. I respect their rules and regulations with the kids and their home. And at the same time they respect me and my privacy. They don't demand for me to cook, clean or babysit. Sometimes I have to push my son and daughter in law to take time off for themselves.
YES there are times when last minute the plans change. But so far it has been good. Yes sometimes there is a little disappointment on both sides. But that too is rare.and usually we talk it out and always end the matter. Never let it linger. Wrap it up and end that matter. Say sorry and love you. Next day brings new things. I am not a philosopher but it works.
SO WHAT I SAY IS sit down and talk to them.
You have worked your entire life. You brought up your own kids. You love them dearly. You love your grand kids. But now it is time for you to enjoy life with kids and grand kids AT YOUR PACE AND TIME. You can only do so much.
Take care all.

Terry - posted on 05/15/2014

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I am going through the same as you. My daughter and I were always friends but since her son was born things have changed drastically. A lot of situations are being created by my son in law criticizing me to my daughter because he doesnt feel that I react to the baby as he thinks I should. At first it was that I was not exited enough about the baby's birth, then I was expected to look after the baby when my daughter goes back to work from her maternity leave, I have brought up three children ,worked full time since I was 17 and now that I just retired I had no intention to give up my free time, I love my grandson and love to babysit him when needed but I dont want to do it everyday. My daughter tells me that this is ok with them but I can tell there is a lot of resentment and different family situations have been altered drastically through this resentment. The excuses are there everytime I call to see the child and basically I have been told by my son in law that I dont deserve to see the child. My situation is getting similar to yours and as you I am starting to think that maybe its time to let go. I too love him but if I distance myself now that he is little it wont be so hard to get use to not having him in our lives. I love my daughter and cant understand why this change in her personality. She always had an independent strong personality but she is being manipulated by
someone that hates me and is vindictive. I am going through a tough phase of my life dealing with my elderly mother situation right now. I like you do not have the energy to deal with this. Mary in previous listing has a good suggestion regarding the diary. Its a good way to reach our grandchildren in their future so they get to know us and know that they were loved and not forgotten.

Rich And - posted on 03/09/2014

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Our daughter and her husband are neglecting our 3 small grandchildren. They refuse to take our advice, so Children and Youth were called 2x. They did nothing! There is also control ging on in their home from the son-in-law. They refuse counseling, or help for children of any kind. The son-in-law cut us oof from all contact. We don't know what our rights are as grandparents.

Barb - posted on 01/17/2014

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Wendy - so sorry for you. Please fight against any bitterness. Ask God to fight this battle for you and restore the years that have been destroyed. Too much pain and heartache for you to carry so put it at the Lord's feet. Continue to grow and become the best person you can. Help and seve others and seek as much knowledge and wisdom as you can everyday. Keep looking forward - grow in The Lord and you will reap a beautiful and bountiful harvest despite others who treat you wrong. Stay strong and don't allow the pain to overcome you. Great things await for your future if you stay strong today!

Madeleine - posted on 12/13/2013

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The heartache is unbearable, whatever you do you won't have had a relationship with your Grandchild,they won't know you or really understand the depth of heartache bestowed on you by selfish ignorant people who have deprived your Grandchild and you of a most important relationship,using children as weapons should not be allowed.
There should be a Court to decide and rule against this Cruel situation in the child's interest,there will be no way to gain back the little precious moments.

I hope what goes round comes round,but,we don't have any power to do anything.

Madhurendra - posted on 07/07/2013

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Contentment is the best and everlasting solution.
Do not expect, the expectation destroys the happiness.
Go ahead with humble thoughts throughout your existence on this earth.
You will only be then happy and leave this world peacefully.

Madhurendra - posted on 07/07/2013

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Contentment is the best and everlasting solution.
Do not expect, the expectation destroys the happiness.
Go ahead with humble thoughts throughout your existence on this earth.
You will only be then happy and leave this world peacefully.

Margaret - posted on 07/28/2010

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Dear wendy your post made me very sad. have you tried talking to your daughter and explaining how you feel? its could be worth a shot nothing to loose. perhaps they where offended by something that you are not aware of. thry not to blame and seek to understand. i so hope you can resolve this it must be heart breaking. i don't think anyone can just move on from this, its like loosing one of your own children. LOL

Cynthia - posted on 07/03/2010

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Wendy, I just happened onto this community and read your post of Aug 2009. My heart breaks for you. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation. I know that it has been almost a year since your post and I was wondering if anything has changed in your situation. I will certainly say a prayer for you. Please let me know how things are now. Thank you.

Suzanna - posted on 02/21/2010

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I have the same problem with my ex daughter in law not being allowed to see my grandchildren. I know you can get grandparent visition right papers online and all you have to do is pay a filing fee and go to court to get your visitation rights.

Wendy - posted on 11/14/2009

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No. I know someone suggested to "let go", have a hard time with that. I am a single parent, my daughters are all I have. My two grand children are the only ones I have. My youngest daughter, who still lives with me (she will be 17 in March) visits and stays over on occassion at my oldest daughter's house. So I do hear little bits about how my grand kids are. The new reason why I am not allowed to see my grand children is because my oldest daughter said I wasn't a good mom, this was after I had helped her and her husband by staying with them whenever they needed me. I basically put my life on hold to be at their beckon call until I wasn't needed anymore. It is quite hard to not see or even be able to talk to my grand children. I bought presents last month for my grandson's first birthday and presents for my granddaughter which I sent with my youngest daughter who was invited to the birthday party. The presents were returned un-opened so I un-wrapped them and removed a card that was attached with my name on it, then the presents were allowed. I just don't think it should matter who gave the gifts, they are only innocent little kids.

Angel - posted on 10/09/2009

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I feel that the answer here is to let go, and put your attentions toward the grandchildren who do appreciate you....if you have no other grandchildren then, become a foster grandparent to someone who really needs one !

Angel

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