Anyone else have an only child *not* by choice?

Joy - posted on 09/21/2010

I am a mother of one and not by any choice. I just keep miscarrying. I had several miscarriages before my son was born in 2007 and by the time he was born, I was 36. My husband and I recently moved from Florida to NY to his home town and recently I was sitting and talking with the wives of some of his old friends about the fact that my husband and I don't use birth control of any kind and that we aren't "trying" but we also aren't "not trying". They were SHOCKED! One woman reminded me that "Joy, didn't you just turn 39??? Aren't you a little old to be thinking about having another baby???" These women don't know me and they don't know the struggle we went through in order to have our son. They also apparently think that I'm old lol I don't begrudge them their opinions about any of it. But I do understand what it's like to be the mom of one and dream sometimes about having another. My husband and I have both decided that if our Jacob is all we ever have, then our lives will be just perfect because he is our joy. Still not closed off to the possibility of another though...lol Except for the times I remember how hard it was in the begining and how it seems like every stage is the worst stage EVER! LOL

Cyndy - posted on 09/21/2010

I would absolutely loved to have had another child but due to fertility issues and my age.....it is not going to happen. I am most thankful that I have one beautiful son who I am blessed with each day.

So sorry that you were unable to have another child. Did you ever think of adopting or becoming foster parents? I have friends who have tried both and loved it.

Have a blessed day!

Samatha - posted on 09/21/2010

I feel your pain love! My husband I tried for 2 years before having our daughter, and are unable to have anymore.I have a bicornuate uterus. Our daughter was a miracle! I also wanted a larger family.
Question: Ever get the 'I wanna throw up' feeling when yet another friend or relative announces they're pregnant? How do you deal with that?

Fina - posted on 09/21/2010

I would not consider myself to have "chosen" to have an only, even though most people would disagree. See, my grandmother had 8 pregnancies and 7 living children. Before she went through any pregnancies, she was a normal, happy, person. She experienced, what is now understood to be severe post-partum depression after each pregnancy (especially the stillborn boy). Due to the recurrent nature of her PPD, she would live the rest of her life with Bipolar Disorder (this seems to be what happened with Britney Spears, too, for a public example).



After my daughter's birth, I had terrible PPD. After going over my family history with mental illness, everyone involved (doctors, husband, father, etc) agreed that it would be risky for me to have any more children, from a mental health perspective. I had always wanted three children, but not at the expense of my sanity. I know how crazy my grandmother is, and I don't want that life. So, we eventually decided that we wouldn't have anymore children.



So, even though most people see it as us simply "choosing" not to have more, and "choosing" not to try, I don't see it that way. I didn't have any real choice. I wasn't about to risk permanent mental illness. Am I happy with having an only child? Yes. But, it took time to get there. It took time to be able to see my family this way, instead of the family I imagined. It does feel right to me now, to only have her. I couldn't imagine anything else at this point.

Artelia - posted on 09/21/2010

I want more children, but I refuse to have any out of wedlock again. I was a teen mom, and I want more for my children. I am finally in a very promising relationship, so hopefully God will bless me with atleast one more! goodluck to u!

Rebekah - posted on 09/21/2010

I am a mommy of one...I had always imagined I'd have at least two, and had to grieve the dream of having that happen. Different circumstances for me...I don't have health issues, but its due to my husband's feelings about it and the peace of our household. I don't want to talk my spouse into having another, nor deal with the likely resentment and conflict that would follow, so I had to accept that this is my complete family (unless God intervenes and shows me otherwise) and I can make a peace with that and be happy.
I can't tell you how to feel or what to do with your feelings, but for me, I wouldn't want a separate category for me about wanting something that couldn't come true...I want to focus on what I have and celebrate it. That will get me further in resolving those feelings than staying focused on the loss that I feel/felt. I have found other ways to meet the needs I thought I had with wanting another...I make efforts for my son to spend a lot of time with his cousins who are close in age, and they are very much like the sibs he never had. As for my needs, I work in healthcare/therapy, so I do a lot of care-taking in my job. Plus, I would have other opportunities to work with children at church (although I find I don't seek it out...I must have my fill!). And when my son grows up and needs less of my time, I realize that I can channel all that extra time and attention back into my husband, who feels left out much of the time now anyway, and I only have one! What I'm trying to say, is that although it wasn't my original plan to have only one, I know how blessed I am with the one I have and I don't want to live a life of regret. The way out of that is to love the life I have and find other creative ways to meet my needs.
Blessings to you... I hope this helps.

Laura - posted on 09/21/2010

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances. Life can sometimes take choices away from us. I like to think that things happen in our life for a reason, but sometimes that is REALLY hard to understand or believe...

I often thought I would like to have had more kids, but I had pre-existing health issues that made another pregnancy very risky. It wasn't impossible, but the risk factors were much greater after my daughter was born. To me it seemed like I had no choice even though I technically did--I wanted to be a mom to my existing daughter and not risk another pregnancy. The medical bills for such a pregnancy could have bankrupted my husband and me and that wasn't worth it either.

Early on I would get people asking when (not IF, but when!) my husband and I were going to have another child. I would explain that we weren't going to because I had health issues that made that option very risky. Some people would understand immediately and back off the subject. Occassionally someone would insist on pushing the subject, arguing that science and medicine would fix everything and we should have another child as if it were some sort of "duty" on our part. To those folks I would respond "Why? We did it right the first time with our daughter!" Those people would usually drop the subject then. While my experience isn't exactly like yours, many of the moms here have only one child because of pre-existing health concerns. Like me, a pregnancy might be (or have been) possible, but the risk factors were considered too much. Afterall, we all have existing kids that need their moms! I think it was after my daughter turned 4 or 5 that I finally realized that not having another child was a good "choice" and I haven't regreted it since...