How do you accept having an only child when it's not by choice?

Jen - posted on 02/18/2010 ( 62 moms have responded )

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My husband and I had an incredibly hard time when we were trying to have a baby, including two miscarriages. The pregnancy was terrible, the labour was terrible, and then I nearly died when my daughter was a week old. Things just got worse as I suffered severe PTSD, severe PND and severe Anxiety Disorder. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar and epilepsy.

After all of that, we have had to accept that we will most like not have any more kids because we've been through so much already. And also the medication I am on to treat these things are not safe during pregnancy.

In many ways, I'm comfortable with this decision and our family feels complete. But I feel sad just the same when I think that I will never feel another baby squirming in my tummy and will never hold a newborn son or daughter of my own again. And I'm torn between being able to concentrate more on Janaya and her schooling and maybe being able to get a new car sooner, but on the negative side, Janaya wont grow up with a brother or sister to play with and, one day when we pass on or if we get sick or something, she will be on her own to deal with it.

I'm so torn and don't know how to accept it. Is anyone else feeling the same way?

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Me - posted on 08/02/2012

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Having our first child wasn't easy. I had unexplained infertility and was very, very lucky we got pregnant with help after a year. But then we had a traumatic birth experience (apgar 1, non responsive), then 6 weeks later severe RSV and we almost lost him again, then a year of non stop recurrent reactive airway issues. Combine that with high PPA and PPD, marriage on the skids where I was ready to divorce and was seeing THREE therapists (meds, private, and marriage therapists). Non stop fighting with husband. Then it turned around after we started to see how serious our fighting was for our son and how much we loved him. Got on meds, DH got his act togther, we put the love for our son and what is best as a person first. So things turned around and off to the fertility clinic we went.

Diminished ovarian reserve where a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant with own eggs. Results so bad they won't even do IVF on me. We scoffed at it at first thinking baaaahhh they said it was going to be hard the first time.

Then we sat on the decision for a year and I realized, my son is three now and there are still days I can't handle him, work, the house, bills, my mom's illness (she has since passed), my dad (now a depressed widower w/ no friends or other family), and well I'm 41. IF I got pregnant 'fast" I would be pushing 42. Starting nannies, diapers, cost, worries of an infant all over again on top of my son. We are almost done with paying for daycare. To start over again on top of future college contributions for TWO? The risk of recurrance of PPA and PPD, especially when I firmly decided to stay on Prozac--something I did not want to do to a fetus/newborn. So I said forget it more and more. I just made the commitment of going back on birth control this month because I'm sick of my cycle being heavy, off wack, etc.

And you know, it's ok. Am I sad---of course because we wanted to be like eveyrone else---with 2 kids. But you know, not everyone else had PPA, PPD, near divorce, death of a parent (and soon another), financially up and down, liking that we can finally move on with being more social with our son and doing "big kid things" instead of the three naps a day if you're lucky to get any sleep cycle.

I'm not like anyone else and neither is our son and future child. What if it were worse than last time? Even if it was better, a baby means less time with our current child who we LOVE beyond words to the point of we say 'why mess with perfection'. He was a blessing to come to us and I think me not being able to have anymore is a 'sign' that he's all I can handle in life in the happiest, healthiest, most loving form of life. I don't want to be the stressed out mom like my good friend from high school. She now has two and you can just hear the dread and unspoken regret in her voice when her new child screams. I don't want to be that. I WAS that with our son's first year and he was our only one. I missed out on so much the first year with the PPA/PPD that you know, I am making up for a lot. I'm happy our son didn't feel that effect but you know, with a newborn and him, he most certainly would see a very unhappy, anxious, impatient mom.

And I'm ok with being a happy one now. :)

Amy - posted on 11/24/2013

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It's just not fair, it sucks and I can not say anything that would come close to helping you with the pain. Guilt, frustration and sadness are part of your earthly life now yet strength understanding others and empathy are gifts you have been given. Cry about it, be mad about but find happiness each day as you pray, read, and watch your family grow. Serve others and you will find that that emptiness inside is full of something else. I to have only one son and I know the pain that comes from not being able to have more. Don't let it keep you from living life to the fullest. May God bless you every day and know where ever you are you not alone.

Marian - posted on 07/14/2012

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I am a Mom of a single child. Kind of by choice and kind of not. I separated from my ex just after my son's first birthday. It was a hard decision but a necessary one. And one of the factors that I struggled with was the fact that my son could end up an only child. I had always imagined having two children, but now that was up in the air.
After being in a long term relationship, once I was divorced, I was hopeful that maybe children could be a product of this new relationship. But that relationship didn't work either. So, I was back to reconciling having only on child. And when I really thought about it, I decided that the most important thing was that I was a Mom, that I was a Mom to an amazing little person, and that we were both happy and healthy. After putting things into the right perspective I realized I could be okay with not having anymore kids.
I have created a very unique situation for myself and my son. I an a nanny, and I am able to bring my son to work with me. So even though he is an only child, he is part of a sibling group through my work. Not only that he has essentially a second set of parents in his life that love and care about him. Now, I have a very close knit family. My son spends 3 weeks a year with my parents, a week and several holidays with my sister's family and kids, and then we have created a social circle of friends that we consider family. I know that if anything were to happen to me and my ex, that my son would be surrounded by an amazing group of extended family, that he would be loved and cared for almost like I was there with him.
My advice, appreciate what you do have, because it is here live and in color. Make your family more than just the three of you by extending your family net to include close friends. And try and find ways for your daughter to experience sibling like situations.

Ann - posted on 04/13/2010

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We also have an only child - not by choice. And i have the same sadness about my daughter not having siblings and dealing with the exact situations you mentioned. Two things continue to help me through this sadness whenever it hits me (which is fairly often). 1) I look at her as my "miracle baby"...maybe i wasn't even supposed to have 1 child, but i was blessed with one. Many people out there never even get to experience what we've experienced one time in their lives. Because I know i'll never experience this again, i make sure i take the time to treasure every experience and make sure I'm not too busy to enjoy her. 2) A friend told me that just because my daughter would have a sibling, that was no guarantee that they would get along. It's no guarantee that they'll be there for each other later in life or that they'll be friends and help each other as adults. It never occurred to me that she could have a sibling who would only bring her pain and complicate her life rather than enhancing her life - because i get along with my siblings. But there are plenty of adults who don't get along with their siblings. So maybe this is a blessing in disguise - saving her from a horrible relationship. Maybe she would actually be happier without siblings. That gives me comfort.

[deleted account]

Oh my friend, just be grateful for the beautiful little girl you have! As you said, you've been through so much, you have struggled with so much. Having another child won't make things any easier. In fact a second pregnancy might be as bad as the first, do you really want to go through that again? I only have one child, and I did not suffer through such issues as yours. Still, I had a painful time with endometriosis before I was married, and underwent a difficult surgery, but was still able to conceive three years later. After my daughter was born, I too wanted a second child. But my husband and I decided that in our late 30s, we didn't need to have a second child to really feel complete as a family. Yours is a very personal choice--nobody should ever question families about how many children they decide to have. Be happy, be well. Enjoy every moment with your precious child. You don't know what the future will bring, don't try to anticipate whether your daughter will have to take care of you in your old age--that's years away and a lot can happen between now and then. Just live your life, and enjoy.

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Shivani - posted on 06/28/2014

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Hi,

I too am in the same boat, more or less..I have a wonderful 3 year old boy and he is perfect. I am going to be forty in two years time and had a very difficult and expensive pregnancy wherein I almost miscarried twice. And the very thought of going through that emotional and physical turmoil again makes us scared. Also, my husband always wanted an only child, due to the rising cost of studies and healthcare, we believe that we would be able to provide the best of love and best of opportunities (within our budget) if it was only one child. My 3.5 year old boy is a very precious child and showing a genius talent in music and math. So we are focusing on providing whatever opportunities we can for him. In this scenario having a second pregnancy and diverting our resources in terms of time and money towards it is not feasible.
I believe we are here for a purpose, and maybe your purpose is to be the most loving and caring parent to the wonderful child that you have. So, I would suggest to leave your sorrow about not being able to have a second child behind you, and focus on nurturing the gift that you have already been given by god. Sometimes we get so lost in pining for what we cannot have, we lose sight of what we have been given and forget to appreciate our gifts. Your child Janaya will be grown up soon, so focus on giving her the love and time she needs and start enjoying watching her grow, soon she will be grown up and will want to spread her wings, help her grow strong enough to soar high.

Joy'l - posted on 04/28/2014

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Please join our Facebook group- Families With Only Children...F.W.O.C We would love to connect with more families to discuss life with an only child, It would even be great if some of us lived nearby so that we could get to know one another and bond.

Sophia Marie - posted on 11/11/2012

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thank god you got to feel her in your tummy.. lots of women will never get that feeling. and having brothers/sisters dont mean you will be close or loving.

Gina - posted on 08/02/2012

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I can understand your struggle with coming to peace with this decision, because it is not an easy one. I would recomend thinking of all the positive aspects about being the parent of an only child and writing them down, do the same for your child, write down all the positive things that she will enjoy in life as a result of being an only child. Keep this list in a safe and visible place where you can always go back and read it when you are having doubts and need to find some strength. As human beings we always wonder if the grass is greener on the other side, we dwell on what we don't or can't have. Keep in mind that Siblings don't always get along or play together, they don't always stay in touch or even stay in each other's life, they don't always respect and/or love one another, share good memories, learn to share their parent's love without feeling jealousy, resentment, and even hate towards the other sibling.... etc etc etc. What I'm trying to say is, no scenario is perfect in life. No one has a life that is guaranteed to be easy.

I know it's not easy to think that you may never feel another baby kicking in your womb or holding a baby again, but try to think that maintaining yourself in good health is vital, because another pregnancy may lead to serious complications and you don't want to put your life and your child's future in danger. Trust and be at peace with your decision, I think you are being very wise and responsible .



Many parents of only children, come to find the joy of becoming grandparents, think that when your daughter grows up, you may find yourself being a very happy and busy grandma who will be in good health and up to the task or helping her out with her child/children?!

Melissa - posted on 07/14/2012

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Jen,
This so could have benn written by me! We have similar stories only I have non-epileptic seizures after thinking that that they were Epileptic. My husband and I have been going back and forthabout what we should do and we decided to talk to my therapist and fertility doctor and see what he says and go from there. My journey, labor, delivery and recovery were so hard that I wonder if it's smart to go ahead if are doctors say so. I don't want my little guy to be alone when we pass on, I guess e owe it to him to try. I just can't believe how similar our stories are.

Anne - posted on 07/10/2012

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If you have extended family, your daughter can look to her cousins to fill that sibling role in her life. You can also pick a special friend of hers to take along with you on trips and outings. You know what your body can handle and don't want to risk your life to bring another child into the world! My husband and I adopted two children and it has been a blessing. We love lifetime adoption, but not everyone is called by God to do that. Blessings to you and your family.
Anne Marie

Kimberly - posted on 07/09/2012

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While I have a different scenario from you I understand the emotional part of it. I have a 2.5 year old daughter. We also had another daughter born in Oct. last year. The day after she was born I had my tubes tied.
Then in January she died at 3 months old. I want another baby, i really do for not just me, but for my daughter;s sake. But I am old, (38) and we could not make it through another heart break if something happened. So while I have 2, the one that is here will remain an only.

I wish it could be different, but this is how is. I know the feeling.

[deleted account]

I do feel the same way -it is extremely hard. I'm an "older" mom though -almost 42 with a child who just turned four.



However, I have to remember back to the days in my mid thirties when I wasn't even married (married for the first time at close to 37) and how I never understood how people would feel bad about something like this. Here I was with not even a husband and folks were upset with having "only" one kid. I think the thing to do is to be thankful for having ONE child as it is so much more than many people are ever blessed with.



The pain of miscarriages is more than anyone should ever have to bear though and I know that it is a very difficult part of only being able to have one child. I am so sorry.

Chandra - posted on 04/14/2010

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I know where you are coming from. It was impossible for me to carry a baby to term - I have lost 1 to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy (at 13 weeks) and 3 to late 1st trimester or early 2nd trimester miscarriages. The chances of me conceiving and successfully carrying a baby to term are almost 0.

We decided to adopt and it was the best decision we ever made! Our daughter is SOOO much like us - purely by chance - but I couldn't love her any more than I do! I tell people I couldn't have made a baby better myself!!

But the fact is I do mourn the loss of a biological child, and more importantly, a sibling for my daughter. We cannot afford to adopt again - and by the time we could the age difference would make it more like they weren't even siblings.

We try to see it as a blesing. We will be able to give her SOO much more than we would be able to if we had another. She will get a better education, we will be able to travel all over the world with her as she grows up, she is SPOILED by her relatives - because we waited through 7 years of infertility and then 2 years of the adoption process! She has plenty of friends and activities to keep her busy & happy.

Know that Janaya will be okay - by the time you are getting old, sick, or passing on - she will have dear friends, maybe cousins?, and people who she considers family (family is not only blood, more importantly it is WHO we chose to call family!!)

She will be okay - you have time to raise her to make good choices, meet good people & create life-long friendships. To be smart, independent, caring, etc.

Know you are not alone in your misgivings and concerns - I feel the same some days - but life sometimes takes us in a different direction - and we must always use that different path to make the most of our life!!! (((HUGS))))

Deborah K. - posted on 04/13/2010

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I had Ben, my only child at the age of 40, and not getting any younger. I do want another child, but at the same time my fiancee and I are just getting settled and this fall I'm going to school. I know it's a hard decision especially when you're planning on changing careers. On the one hand I feel like having another child right now may be too much to take on, but if I'm going to do it it's either now or never. I'm pretty torn because my fiancee really wants a baby - which would be his first. I don't want to let him down if for any reason I can't get pregnant again. But I do hope everything works out for you and good luck.

Ann - posted on 04/08/2010

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I used to feel that way. Our daughter didn't help either because she would be constantly asking for a brother or sister. Then, she got a little older and saw her friends with younger siblings crying because their new toy was broken by little brother or all her favorite stuffed animals were dirty because little sis decided to have a picnic in the mud with them and she decided being an only child was kind of cool. I don't worry about her being lonely because she has always had a lot of friends to play with and as far as when we get old and sick, I'm hoping she will have a family of her own by then and plenty of other people to help her deal with it. I always dreamed of having a large family, but I feel blessed to have the one child I have. My dreams have changed with my reality, and I have been able to afford much more for my one child than I would have with more and she doesn't have to share toys or my attention with anyone else, except Daddy. :)

ANA - posted on 04/07/2010

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I have only one child (hope by now) and since always died for having another one, but I just don't get pregnant, My husband and I went to the doctor and they say there is nothing wrong with us, Noah is gonna be 4 year in June now, and we never had any king of birth control. I JUST DON'T GET PREGNANT, and is really frustrating, and every month is everything again, the depression, the tears, I try to deal with that, but is really hard, just keep praying to be blessed with a sibling for my son...

Gina - posted on 04/07/2010

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I feel the same way we lost our little girl at 18months and by the grace of GOD we had our little boy but a year after he was born I found out that I had cancer and had a complete hysterctomy. My husband and I wanted more children so bad. My little boy is now 6 and it bothers me even more now.

Kel - posted on 04/06/2010

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My situation is a little bit different. I've miscarried several times over the course of ten years. After trying for so long, my husband and I decided to adopt. We now have a beautiful seven year old daughter and I want desperately to adopt another baby. My husband steadfastly refuses. He says he's too old to raise another child (He's probably right. We are a second family for him. He has a 27 year old daughter and a 25 year old son from his first marriage.) It's really tough to accept. Especially with all these women around me getting pregnant. Three neighbors and one of my husband's nieces...all on their second or third babies...I want to just be happy for them and I am, but I am also horribly jealous. It just doesn't seem fair that having children is coming so easily for them. Then I get angry with my self for being so selfish. Then I tell myself I have a right to be upset because it ISN'T fair. Then I get more angry with myself...It's a vicious cycle. I guess I'm not much help, huh?...lol...If anyone knows any zen techniques that might help, give a shout out.

Melanie - posted on 04/05/2010

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I do feel the same way. I always imagined myself having 2 brothers or 2 sisters to chase around the yard.
I too almost died while birthing and after having my daughter. I developed Congestive Heart Failure during pregnancy. The medication causes unspeakable defects during pregnancy, also.
I am so sorry for what you've been through. I can only imagine that it was about as scary as it was for myself.
I asked my fiance the very question you did. He put it like this. "I would rather have you around for the rest of your life. And have our little girl have you as a mother for the rest of your life, than take the risk of loosing you." He also asked what if the baby survived but I didn't. Would it be worth while for me to give life to a child I may never get to meet? While taking away the mother my daughter adores?
I wanted my daughter to have someone to grow up with.
As far as loosing a parent. My mother was an orphan and I lost my father a month after I turned 17. You realize how strong family bonds are when there is a loss of that magnitude. If anything happened to you your child would not carry the burden alone. Although, I understand your concern.
I have friends with children my daughters age and take her to see them and her cousins as often as I can. It is the best I can do to make up for what my body won't let me provide for her.

[deleted account]

Your story is very familiar. I was diagnosed with bipolar many years ago and that alone was a huge obstacle when it came down to Dan and I discussing children. Once I went off my medication, which wasn't easy for either one of us, and started trying....couldn't get pregnant. So, after two years I went to the Dr and found out that I was unable to have children without medical assistance. OK, I can cope with that...ya, after months of hormone injections and IUIs, finally we conceived Andy James. That wasn't without emotional trauma from the hormones and the stress of not having success for a while.

So, Andy was born, via c section on April 29th- healthy and happy. He had a couple issues as he was stuck in my pelvis, so he ended up with plagiocephaly. We spent the majority of the summer back and forth to Children's Hospital...soooo, the anxiety is back (IS MY SON OK)...he had to sleep in a head cup and have ultrasounds on his hips.

After about 6 months I started showing symptoms that my bipolar had peaked, which was due to my hormones regulating back to "normal", well my normal. I am back on medication and stabilized.

Well, after my rant it comes down to Dan and I deciding that it probably isn't going to happen all over again. Mentally it isn't a great idea (my mental health) and already being 36 1/2, I don't know if I am physically up to going through fertility treatments again.

Am I OK with our decision....I think I have to be.

Elisa - posted on 04/03/2010

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I wasnt able to read all the wonderful posts, but in answer to your question..How do you accept having an only child when it's not by choice is the same if you have a choice. There is alot of acceptance on every level of life. I recently read a book "The Seven Common Sins of Parenting an Only Child" and it will guide you through what you need to focus on as a parent. I happen to find it in the library:) So happy reading and have a great day

Amber - posted on 03/31/2010

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yes, but in my case I haven't been able to get pregant again. I don't know what we're doing wrong. If I can't have another baby my son won't get to have his baby brother or sister that he keeps asking me for. All the other women that were pregant the same time I was now have two babies.

Joan - posted on 03/29/2010

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Being grateful for what you have is hard to do, but neccessary. I also am a Mom of a singleton. He is so bright, happy and well rounded. Honestly I don't know if I could have given as much to him or a sibling if we had more, but I know it would have worked out. I had a personal timeframe and knew when I hit 40 I was done, but really hit me when I turned 41 that my time was over. I have friends that have many children (2, 3 and 4 or 5 too) and they all do it well. I think God gave me what he knew I could handle. When you can accept it then all others will too. My son asked me repeatedly and I always repsonded with we will see, or some other answer when he was young. Around kindergarten I began to share my medical problems which probably were the problem of secondary conception, especially since he was also an IVF baby. He seems to accept it well now and likes being an only child. We have fostered many friendships with same aged children and attempt to stay close with his out-of-state cousins, so he has that closeness with children other than just classmates. Many ppl suggest for us to get a pet (dog or cat), but with the loss of my beloved dog of 16 years I am simply not ready for that commitment. So I would stongly consider developing bonds with extended family or family friends with similar aged kids, and possibly a family pet. Good luck and perhaps adoption and/or fostering children would be a nice way for you to incorporate more into your family. Take care of yourself and find a good friend or counselor to work things out with so you can be your best for your Janaya.

[deleted account]

One day my husbands' grandmother called me on the phone. She was crying and very upset because our son was an only child. Our son was 15 years old at the time. We'd had on average, a miscarriage every couple of years since he was 2. After I'd composed myself :-) I asked him for his thoughts on growing up an only child. I was happy to hear that he had been happy about his situation *most* of the time. The only time it bothered him was in severe weather, when he had no one near his age with whom to play. Since we're in sunny Southern California, that wasn't very often!

I think you need to go through a sort of grieving process before you come out the other side free of all the "if onlies." What you're feeling is natural. And, just because you can't give birth doesn't mean you can't have more kids!

Judy - posted on 03/28/2010

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I WAS 34 WHEN I HAD MY FIRST AND ONLY CHILD. NOTHING WORKED FOR US AFTER I HAD HIM. I HAD A COUPLE MISCARRIAGES AND A TUBAL PREGNANCY. I ALWAYS WANTED ANOTHER CHILD BUT IT JUST WASN'T TO BE. NOW THAT I M GETTING OLDER IT DOES BOTHER ME THAT HE HAS NO BROTHERS OR SISTER FOR HIM AFTER WE ARE GONE. I GUESS WE JUST NEED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR THE ONE WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE.

Jamie - posted on 03/28/2010

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Our son will be 9 in a week and finally this weekend I have let go and gotten rid of all baby clothes etc that I have been holding on to. We tried for another on and off for 7 years while dealing w/ secondary infertility. We had 2 m/c before our son was born but getting pregnant was not an issue then. Now it is. Don't worry about her being alone if something happens to you...first, there is no use borrowing problems that aren't there and secondly, if she has friends and family she will never be truly alone. Concentrate on having a healthy and well adjusted daughter and the rest will answer itself. As for your feelings because of not having another that is a whole other story, be patient with yourself and realize that your health is much more important to your daughter than having a sibling.

Jenny - posted on 03/25/2010

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I TOTALLY HEAR YOU!!! It sounds almost like this was posted by me, I went through a very difficult pregnancy and labor (my son was almost 11 pounds and over 22 inches long, I wasnt lucky enough for my epidural to work! (No c-section either). My husband and his mom are only children and they love it, but I was raised with two siblings, and I feel badly that my concern over money, my nine months of pregnancy outweighs my son having a sibling.

Michelle - posted on 03/25/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. I don't suffer from the health problems you have and for the most part my pregnancy went very smooth but we have had three miscarriages since. We lost our last child on January 20 2010 it was another girl. I do want another child badly but I am so afraid to go through that again but like you I want my daughter to expierience having a brother or sister. I would really consider adoption if they didn't make it so expensive. My husband wants us to try again so I guess we will. Good luck to you on what ever you decide I don't think being a only child would be the end of the world especially where your health is concerned. I think it is more important to have you around than a brother or sister!

[deleted account]

I can sort of relate to what you are going through..There is a lot of guilt with not being able to give your child a sibling. I felt sad for my daughter for quite a long time, but seeing the pros and cons of having an only child and hearing my daughter tell me she's fine with not having a sibling lessened my guilt and made me feel better about it. As long as your child is happy, and knows she/he is loved by you, that is all that matters. I keep reminding myself of the advantages of having one child, and there are many!

Anita - posted on 03/24/2010

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Hi Jen, I think you should just be happy with what youve got. I cudnt have babies & was given the most precious gift ever from my brother, a baby boy! Most woman long for kids & to be without one is the saddest feeling ever..Im glad you got to experience the journey of carrying as I wont know what that is like.

Andrea - posted on 03/20/2010

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Jen, wow you have been through so much. I have to say that I agree with Jaci. It sounds like you have a great little family and at the end of the day thats all that matters. Given what you said about the difficulties you faced in pregnancy and labour, perhaps it isn't a risk worth taking again? We have a beautiful little girl who is nearly two, and although I occasionally wonder whether we made the right decision to stop at one, I am pretty sure that everything will work out for the best and that our daughter will have lots of friends and supports growing up and as an adult. I think to have a good support base is as important as siblings because there are no guarantees that they will even get along. Listen to yourself, please don't let others make you feel bad or tell you what to do. You will know what the right thing to do is. Good luck

Amanda - posted on 03/19/2010

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I knew of a lady and her husband who had a daughter and when she was a few weeks old she was diagnosed with a major heart problem. They told her she would only live a few months but they were able to enjoy her for about 2 yrs. she lived a very hard life and when she died it was very hard on everyone. The parents were told the chance they would have another child the same way was very high so they decided not to have anymore. This bothered the wife because in my religion ( LDS ) we are to have children. Well now they know they can adopt and they will never be pregnant again. SO maybe you can look at adoption a a few yrs or just concentrate on your child you have now. It has to be hard and I will never understand but maybe this will help

Susan - posted on 03/19/2010

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Hi ; After having 3 miscarriages and just one child. A boy 14 years old .You just have to accept sometimes that all you can have. Sometimes your body or your age is the factor.Give your child lots of love enjoy them growing up.It goes so fast. Be social with other children from their school.Meet the parents.Invite kids over to your home. Enroll them in activities. Focus on the one you have. Be happy, that they are happy and healthy. Good Luck

Nadine - posted on 03/18/2010

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I don't know that I will ever completely accept only having 1 child but am thankful every day for the chance to have 1 amazing child! I have 1 living child after being pregnant 4 times. 2 early losses, a daughter at 19 weeks weighing 8 oz and never taking her first breath, and a son at 23w6d weighing 1lb4oz who is now an amazing preschooler! We could try for another child, I have no problem getting pregnant, but we are pretty much guaranteed another preemie. We have been extremely blessed to have our son and being as early as he was he came through with next to no complications! While I am thankful every day for my son some days I am still very angry and sad that I can't just get pregnant and deliver a healthy full-term child, I see other moms do it all the time! But then I think of all the others who will never experience motherhood at all. This may not have been our plan but we have been blessed with 1 child. Take care and reach out for support when u need it, you are not alone!

Daphne - posted on 03/18/2010

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i do sometimes i want to try again and others i dont but I too had a hard time conceiving before I finally gave brth to my miracle baby

Gina - posted on 03/18/2010

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I'm going through the same thing Jen,It took me two years to be able to have my daughter and I had her at 33 weeks, we both almost died but God was looking after us.I have been sick for years ,I've got endometriosis,depression and high blood pressure so I'm more likely to fly to the moon than have another child.Some days the longing for a baby knocks me out,other days I'm able to see how blessed I am to have my daughter shes almost 12 and my whole world..I feel alot of guilt for not giving my girl a sibling but she likes been a only child[maybe because she's spoiled rotten! lol] I take it one day at a time and remind myself even if I dont have the 6 kids I wanted [crazy I know but I wanted a big family] I've got my beauitful girl and God will ease my pain. God bless you Jen remember your not alone.

Angie - posted on 03/17/2010

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I have a 6 year old daughter and she is my only child. It took 9 years and so many different drugs + procdures + depression to have her. I almost died after giving birth to her as well. We tried for another child for a few years after she came to our lives which didn't happen. I am 42 years old this year. I accepted the fact that I am blessed with my little girl and another one is just not going to happen.

I too worry about my daughter being alone and that is the one thing that bothers me the most but I accepted the fact that we are blessed with her. I am so sorry to hear your medical issues and my heart goes out to you. Every time you feel sad about wanting for another child, hug your little girl and tell her how much you love her. Remind yourself that you have the whole world in your hand. Put your energy into loving her that much more. I'll bet your worries and sadness will melt away!

Be strong. Give Janaya a huge hug from me!

Ashley - posted on 03/11/2010

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I am sorry you have had such a difficult time and your struggles are hard to understand because we will never walk in your shoes. But you can still give love to another child if you choose by either Adoption of foster care---which is what we are considering..... Day by day is the only way to go and seek outside objective help--it saved me! HUGS

Beth - posted on 03/10/2010

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yeah, i get it. My child is 7 and a half been trying for seven years. Can't afford to have a child except the natural way. No adoption, no medical intercevntions. Sometimes i'm okay with it, cause my child is great. I do get sad sometimes,too about never experiencing pregancy and having a little one again. I always wanted a big family and just never dreamed this would be an issue. I think that we can better provide for our child since there is only one, but having children was the only thing i ever really wanted to do . I work, but i don't have a career. i never cared about that. Ialways thought the first pregnancy was just practice for the rest of them and that i would learn how to be a mom and be better prepared for the rest of them.

Fawn - posted on 03/08/2010

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I know how you feel, especially about the whole "not by choice" thing. I have one son who is 5, and two future step daughters who are both much older than him. (12 and 11). My son also has two older half brothers and a younger half sister. But he doesn't really even know about them. My son's father gave me HPV during my pregnancy with his son. Thanks to craptastical doctors I had 3 LEEP procedures before I changed docs. My new doctor works for a big university hospital and he's wonderful. He told me that at least 2 of those 3 LEEPs weren't needed and that there is almost nothing left of my cervix. While getting pregnant wouldn't be a problem, carrying to term would be near impossible and would be extremely risky for both me and the child. Basically it could kill us both.

Some days I'm so filled with rage that I just want to march down to that old doc's office and punch him square in the nose. Other days I think that maybe it wasn't so bad, I'm Bipolar and would I really be up to handling more? Its a tough struggle. I love babies and little ones so much. Never thought I was the kind of person who would like kids, until I had my son. Now I love children. All kiddo's are sweet and so innocent! Its hard to not find joy just by being around them. I have to hold myself back from smiling and waving at all the little ones at the store so I don't creep the parents out. I'm thinking of going to school for early childhood stuff so I can get work with little ones.

Nicole - posted on 03/07/2010

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I feel the exact same. My name is Nicole and I only have one son. I have tried for several years and it aint happened. I found out a year ago that I have a nuero-muscular disorder and the medication that I take is harmful so that makes it another reason. But my number one reason is because I have ovarian cyst and endometriosis. My son use to ask if he would have a brother or sister someday and I never knew what to tell him. Now that I have to battle with the disease it makes it harder to think about because my disease can turn deadly for me at any point in my life. All I think about is what and how will he ever get through if something happens to me and it is just him. I know how you feel. I try to stay close to my sisters because they have kids and I think that maybe at least he will have his cousins if nothing else. But hey since my illness my family treats me the same. I dont exist until they need money. How ironic is that for life. I feel what you are going through. Plus I have bi polar disorder but the meds are deadly to me so i cant really treat mine. Hope to talk with you soon. Maybe we can exchanges numbers. I havent met anyone who can say that they know what I going through and really mean it.

Leslie - posted on 02/25/2010

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try out some traditional chinese medicine! they do wonders for balancing the body...it really helps with reproduction, too!

Jennifer - posted on 02/25/2010

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Hi Jen!

I can really sympathize. I got married later in life and had my daughter when I was 35. I didn't have alot of problems during the pregnancy ( at least not until I fell off a ladder at 22 weeks.....long story) then was on bed rest, had a c-section at 37 weeks and counted my blessings that she was healthy. When we decided it was time to give her a sibling I found out I had premature menopause. ( Now full menopause )

There was nothing I could do. No matter what anyone says about how lucky you are to have a child, it doesn't stop you from grieving for the children you can't have. I try not to think about her future except of course to see that she will be provided for. I live for the now. I am glad I decided to be a stay at home Mom and I don't regret it as I would never have had that chance again.

I 've mostly come to terms with our family stucture but still have days when it gets me down. It does make the times I'm ready to tear my hair out over her behaviour easier because I can imagine women who would love to be in my postion and have a child but can't.

Keep smiling! You're not alone in your feelings!

Jennifer

Candice - posted on 02/25/2010

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I do, and I can sympathize...I had to face facts that my body wasn't built for making babies the way God intended. I accept it pretty well, but have those moments here and there...My second baby died at 3 months old, the birth was traumatic as you say. We are celebrating her life this Sunday as it is her death anniversary and I just thank God that I am Christian already. In life we all have hopes and dreams and wishes that can't be realized and it is ok every now and then to be sad about it...but your Janaya will grow well, and you do the best by her she will be your legacy. It is not our responsability to provide our children with cyblings, just love.

Tracy - posted on 02/22/2010

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I kinda have the same situation my little girl has half sister and brothers but they r older and live with their mother I worry bout the same thing but Me and my sister were not raised with our half sister at all no communication and now that we reconnencted with my dad we see her but it is not a sisterly relationship but she has a best friend that she has had for like 10 years and she is like her sister. So that is what I pray for my daughter is to have a best friend thru everything I hope this helps. And it is nice to be able to concentrate on just one it is hard to have to sort your energy out. I have friends who have 4 and 5 kids. and the kids crave mommys energy and it is just not there. I will pray for you to have peace. It is hard to accept not having anymore as the right choice when really you don't have a choice.

Rita - posted on 02/21/2010

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Hi Jen, I sympathize with this very common struggle. I was 34 when I had my son,hard pregnancy, emergency c-section. Now he is two and half, and finances are preventing me from having another. My bio clock is ticking and once he is potty trained, I'll be nearly 40 and not sure I want to start again. My fiancee is 44 and also has an 11 yo daughter. I look at the blessings we have in both the children, and focus on what I am able to give them.





Will's are a great way to handle your final "arrangements" way in advance and paying for it, buying the final resting place and making every arrangement in advance, putting the paper work in a fire proof strong box and making your daughter aware of the key. This will make her life eaiser, when things are diffcult...As for me, I don't totally rule out another child, but unless we hit the lottery in the next 2 years, I'm just going to sigh and revelle in my son and step daughter...Good luck..Take care

Laurel - posted on 02/21/2010

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I went through some of the same emotions. My daughter is an only child, now going on 11. I wanted another, but my husband changed his mind after her birth and didn't want any more. I found I went through times when I wanted another and times I didn't. Now that she's older, I can't imagine having another. Give it time and pour all your love on Janaya. You'll always have times when you feel you missed out on the joy another would bring, but things are the way they are and you can't change it, and as much as your daughter may want a sibling (mine went throuhg it), she needs her mother more.

Tara - posted on 02/21/2010

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We have one son, through a scary crash C-section. I would go for more but the hubby has "middle child syndrome" and wants to make sure our guy has everything. So I have to work on accepting that and maybe become a foster mom.

Antoinette - posted on 02/21/2010

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Wow! Hats off to going through all of that and surviving! I really have empathy for you. I am an only child. My biggest desire was to have at least 2 children. Got married a bit late in life. 2 weeks before our marriage I went off the pill and fell pregnant immediately. Perfect pregnancy. Bit of drama during delivery but my daughter is now 6 years old and an absolute darling. I never went back onto the pill after my daughter was born, however, to date I have not fallen pregnant. My husband and I went for tests approx. 2 years ago and there was no evidence of any physical reason why we couldn't fall pregnant. I'm now 40 but I certainly don't feel it and the longing to have a second child is still with me. Everyone tells me if its meant to be it will happen. Well like I say its 6 years since I had my daughter and nothings happening! We don't have the funds to invest in fertility treatment so there is no hope. And what makes it worse is my daughter also yearns for a sibling. I'm SORRY I can't give you any upbeat news but hopefully knowing that there are others out there who feel the same way may help you deal with it a bit better. All the Best!!!!

[deleted account]

I carried a baby girl 7.5 mos, as her heart beat stopped she was no longer in pain.(Trisomy 18, heart problems, cord problems,all sorts of things) That involved me being very toxically sick, and it was a 36 hr delivery on ptosin/ funeral March 16 of 01. Then I was very sick again(cracked ribs, pnuemonia) had my son in Sept 02 who is now 7 yrs old. He would love another sibling. But the rollercoaster of pain/emotions/not having easy pregnancies, and my rocky relationship with my husband is a large clue to have only one child. Although I was meant to care for more. I am a teacher and hope that I can help in that way there. I just pray that my son will be a loving, smart, caring individual. I feel for all of your life stories. Life is always such a surprise for me... Keep being the best moms you can be.
Keep relying on God. My personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the only true light in all of this.

Scarlett - posted on 02/21/2010

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Jen, first of all, I would like to commend you for surviving all of the things you've been through thus far. I am also a mom of one- not by choice- but I was an only child and am totally ok with only having one. More important, I am a nurse and mental health therapist. You may want to see out a therapist in your area that can help you resolve or reduce your psychiatric symptoms - there are medications on the market for bipolar disorder that can be used during pregnancy. If you have more questions for me, e-mail me directly. Best wishes! Scarlett

Jen - posted on 02/21/2010

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I have to admit that I'm rather teary and emotional at all the comments and stories and support from all of you! And especially the incredible feeling that I've never had before... that I'm not alone, I'm not the only one going through this.

To all of you who have lost a baby or a child under any circumstances, I'm so so so sorry for your loss!!! And I thank you for delving into such a sad area of your life to offer me support. Hearing from each and every one of you means so much to me.

My grandmother asked me last night if I was stopping at just one. I know she was just asking out of curiosity because she knows we've had a hard time, but I felt like I had to explain every single reason for our "decision". Even to the point that I had to tell her it wasn't by choice! She even kept telling me "I dont mean to suggest anythings wrong with it, I just wondered where you were at" etc. And yet I had to keep justifying myself!

And I hate when they say "just" one. Janaya isn't "just" anything. She is my EVERYTHING!!!

Jenna - posted on 02/20/2010

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I'm so sorry that you may not be able to have another baby! I'm struggling with the idea at the moment, although I don't have any medical conditions preventing me, I'm not sure whether I can handle another... Have you considered adopting? I know it's not the same kind of experience, but it's another baby to love, and a sibling for your little one...

Trinea - posted on 02/20/2010

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Dear Jen: I know how you feel. I , too had complications with my pregnancy, including high blood pressure and two seizures during delivery. I felt bad, too about not having more than one, but we decided that it wasn't worth endangering my health. Try not to fret about it, it will only make you feel worse. The way I dealt with it is to surround myself with children, volunteer at an elementary school if you can, and make sure that your child is able to go on as many playdates as possible. Luckily my child(who's now 22) grew up with a lot of cousins whom she is still very close to.

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