How do you cope when everyone else can get pregnant and you can't?

Cathy - posted on 08/06/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Last year my 3 sisters and 4 cousins all had babies. My husband and I had been trying for over 2 years for another. Each announcement brought more tears. I just want to be able to go to family things and feel jealous and heartbroken. I love my son to death. I've been told to get over it and be happy for each of them and that was from my mom and sis. Nice huh? Has anyone else been here and how did you cope?

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Jane - posted on 08/06/2011

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We simply enjoyed other people's babies and set about adopting babies of our own. There is no point in hating them because they have babies, nor is there any point in hating yourself. Your mom and sis really are right - you need to get over it and be happy for each of them.

Instead of being jealous of what they have and you don't, enjoy what you do have - your son, your husband, and your family. It would be a good idea to deliberately think of a good thing in your life each time you are tempted to cry over what you don't have. It is all part of being an adult.

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Kathy - posted on 09/04/2011

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We were trying for 5 years for our first and only child. Even though the family knew that I had had several miscarriages they kept asking why we didn't have any children yet. You just don't know how to respond to the hurt that causes, even though I'm sure they didn't mean to. I did feel heartbroken every time a sister-in-law had a baby, but still wanted to be happy for them. We found a good specialist and after another miscarriage and several operations finally had our girl - who is now 27. Maybe it's just me & my husband, but we felt really blessed and appreciated her even more. She has turned out to be IMHO, and I'm not biased at all, a really great person. :) You just have to not give up hope and remain positive.

I was also told by other drs to relax and not try so hard. My problem wasn't getting pregnant, it was keeping the pregnancy - which was finally solved by finding the right dr.

Sonya - posted on 08/15/2011

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Cathy - my husband and I tried to get pregnant for 4 years and then finally had our first and only child. We haven't been able to get pregnant since and my son is 12 now. But to add insult to injury, my son was born not breathing and his heart was not beating because of medical negligence during his delivery. So he's got severe Cerebral Palsy because of all of this.
We have a ton of family members that have had children since him and all their children have been healthy.
It's been very difficult for me to go to family events and see all these beautiful children running around and playing with their parents and my son is stuck in a wheelchair and is non verbal.
I have spent a lot of time crying about my situation. I don't understand why I was only able to get pregnant once and then it turned out so crappy for us. My heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever really mend.
I guess the point of all this is to tell you that you're blessed to have a healthy child, even if you only have one, and you should enjoy that fact every day. There are some of us that will never hear our child say "mommy" or "i love you", and we'll never get to play games or see our child get married and have children some day, but we just move on with life and take the little victories that we get.

Christy - posted on 08/12/2011

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I went through this same thing!!! I tried for 5 years to get pregnant with my son. Everytime the test came back negitive my heart broke and everytime someone in the family or a friend had another baby I felt like I was dying a little inside. It is very hard to cope expecially when your saposed support group keeps telling you to "stop stressing" and to just "be patient" and "stop trying so hard" !! It all sucks!!!! But I did find that when I least expected it and had my mind on the fact that I had just quit one job, started a new one and bought a house that I ended up pregnant!!! I've only been pregnant one other time since I had my son 9 yrs ago and it didn't keep. I've come to terms with not having anymore but still get that ping of jelousy everytime someone else announces their great news!!!

Lori - posted on 08/09/2011

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Ann---You're NOT too old to have a baby at 40!! My sister-in-law did, and my husband and I adopted at 45! Anyway, I've been where Cathy has been. My husband and I tried for several years to have a baby. A fertility test revealed that I couldn't get pregnant. It was devestating. But there was a happy ending...we adopted our daughter from China! I also wish we could adopt a second daughter, but finances, room in our small house, and age restrictions have closed this door. My daughter has one cousin close to her age, but she lives on the west coast (and we're in NH). We have made up for the lack of sister with several friends. My daughter is good at making friends with other kids and has several friends that she considers 'sisters.' The other girls in our China travel group are our 'China sisters.' I'm encouraging her to see that she can broaden this feeling of family to include more people. It was hard when she was younger, but is getting easier now that she's older.

Lori

Anna - posted on 08/07/2011

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My husband and I married late in life. I just turned 40 a few months ago and he's nearly 50. We have a lovely 7 year old daughter. We wanted another child and have been unsuccessful in our attempts for nearly 6 years now. Adoption is not an option due to my husband's childhood and mental illness (we've looked into it). My daughter has told me frequently over the past 4 years that she wished she had a sister to play with. I tell her each and every time, "So do I sweetie." and then I go on to say "Ask God to give you one." Like you, I feel jealous and heartbroken. All of my cousins that I'm close to have at least 2 children. My daughter is very close to her cousin who is 9 months younger than her...but since her baby brother's arrival a few months ago (on my birthday) the 2 girls haven't been able to spend as much time together and it's been difficult on my daughter...and, once again, I'm hearing that she wants a baby sister...I'd be perfectly happy having another child even though some people would tell me that, at 40, I'm too old.

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