how do you make your kid more self sufficient?

Sally - posted on 03/23/2010

She is still a baby. Not 2, not 3, not 4. A baby. She does need you. Every one of those cries are important to her. Some of these replies are heartless. She is only 13 months old. She is not spoiled, she is worried, hurt, scared, or lonely. She has no idea why Mom is not coming. My goodness people have some compassion. She is still a baby.

MONIQUE - posted on 03/20/2010

You have to start now letting her learn to occupy herself. When she screams make sure there's nothing life-threatening wrong with her and let her scream ,she's spoiled.To break this you have to stick to lettin her cry and she'll figure out it's not working and she'll find toys ,her feet, etc. something to play with, and the crying will eventually cease.Check in on her every few minutes to let her know your around and leave her be!!

Carmen - posted on 03/19/2010

that is absolutely hilarious! Good idea too for new moms to try.

Carmen - posted on 03/19/2010

clara - my son is now 16yrs old so we are way over that time. I'm talking about tantrums thrown by a child only bcz you say no to something they want. It could be candy or a toy, that's what I meant. Not them being in another room & screaming...of course, as a parent you MUST go to c what's going on & diffuse the situation for the child. If it's due to frustration then you help them solve the problem or show them how. Have a great day!

Kelly - posted on 03/18/2010

CLARA: "My husband validates my fears, anger and frustration and this keeps our bond strong.This doesnt change reality for me, it just helps me accept it.
I believe they have tantrums because they cannot communicate, I validate her and then let her be, so that she can accept her reality."
Clara, you said that beautifully!

Katie, I'm sure she might know the difference in those cries, but wouldn't all of those cries merit her attention?

Clara - posted on 03/18/2010

Carmen, dont you sometimes wonder why they have tantrums ?

My husband validates my fears, anger and frustration and this keeps our bond strong.This doesnt change reality for me, it just helps me accept it.

I believe they have tantrums because they cannot communicate, I validate her and then let her be, so that she can accept her reality.

But maybe I am just blessed with a gentle little angel ?

Clara - posted on 03/18/2010

You can`t make a child self sufficient - you can only change it from being a struggle to being rewarding and joyfull.

In another post, you say that it`s better to talk and respect your child ?

The same way you are feeling about having your personal time, the same way she feels about getting your attention. Your both struggling...

You need help, not with being a mother, just time ! Even if some-one just comes to your home for 2-3 hours a day ?
No woman is an island, we need our community of friends and family !

Consider reading the following :

http://www.naomialdort.com/articles8.htm...

Anne - posted on 03/18/2010

Don't all those cries need attention? She's still a little baby and doesn't have emotional maturity. Whatever the reason for it the upset will be genuine. You don't have to give in to tantrums but you can divert them.

Katie - posted on 03/17/2010

Kelly, I guess I was assuming that a mother of a 13-month-old would know by now the difference between her child's "I'm-freaking-out-here" cry or her "I'm-really-hurt" cry or her "I'm-bored-and-lonely" cry.

Kelly - posted on 03/17/2010

Really?!?! Letter cry and scream for an hour? I'm sure that will build LOTS of trust in you.
Sorry for the sarcasm and harsh judgment, but that just seems ridiculous to me.
All you are teaching her is "your going to have to do a lot more than that to get my attention." All that time, she's just going to be thinking "what do I need to do to get Mommy's attention?"
Sure, when my son throws a tantrum, I ignore him, but why cause a tantrum in the 1st place??

I do have a question for you. If you don't come when she cries, how is she going to know what to do when she really needs you? How are you teaching her to get your attention when she is hurt, in trouble, or scared?

Katie - posted on 03/16/2010

Sounds like she has you wrapped around her cute pinkie finger already!!! She is behaving that way because it works for her, she knows as soon as she puffs up like a toad, you'll drop everything and run to her to comfort/calm her. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? I didn't think so.
Here's an idea, make sure she is safe and can't hurt herself, give her some toys or books, and then walk away. Go into the other room & do your thing. When she starts her hissy fit, ignore it. I know that sounds hard & maybe harsh, but if you want to break her habit, you need to let her know that you are not at her beck-and-call 24/7.
As long as she's safe & can't hurt herself, she can scream & cry & throw a fit to beat all, but you DO NOT have to react or respond to her every little behavior.
Sooner or later, she will learn that throwing a fit gets her nothing. She will also learn how to respect your time and needs.
Best of luck to you...

Carmen - posted on 03/16/2010

I completely agree with Shaquim. My son is an only child and he is going to be 17 yrs old next month. As a single working mother I had to undo what my mom would allow for 8 hours during the day while taking care of him. Spend as much time as possible with your child but do not EVER give in to tantrums, by doing that you are telling her "my answer will be no until you throw a tantrum" it will continue and get worse so make sure your no means no and use time outs for really bad tantrums.

Anne - posted on 03/15/2010

I think children become more self sufficient when they are secure enough to be so. They go through a stage called separation anxiety. When they are little babies they don't have much concept of time and don't know when or even if mom is coming back. If you can think back to being a child imagine how upsetting that must be. The more you show her that you will always be around the more confident she will become to break out on her own.

Kelly - posted on 03/14/2010

Melissa, your post about mirroring him and him laughing when you laugh reminded me of "the mirror principle" we use in our house. Basically, we tell our son "If you want me to be nice to you, you have to be nice to me. If you are mean to me, I will be mean too." It has worked beautifully up until a few weeks ago. He now equates me telling him it's time to go (or insert anything he doesn't want to do) with me being "mean" to him, and thus seeing it as an excuse for him to be mean back! Now we have to teach him that if we are "mean" to him, he can make us be nice if he is nice instead of mean, since we mirror him....anyway, that's off topic, I just thought it was cute!

Kelly - posted on 03/14/2010

This is what I did with my son (I worked from home, so I needed time to focus).

I would set him up playing in the living room (or any area of the house where you can move to other rooms and still see him or even just peek out of a door and see him). Blocks, Imaginext, and other "imagination" or building toys work well.

Once he was doing well, I would tell him I would be right back and ask him to build me something really cool. I would walk out of the room for just a few seconds, then come back to see what he had done.

NOTE: The major thing is to come back BEFORE she calls for you. That helps her build trust in you and trust is VERY important. She has to KNOW you will come without her calling, or she won't play by herself b/c she will be too worried about getting your attention.



Play a few more minutes, the excuse yourself again.

Each day extend the amount of time you are gone.

By the 3rd week or so, you should be able to try leaving her to play (always promise to come back) and just walk through the room and acknowledge her.

Once my son was a little older and knew he could count on me to come back to him without having to call for me, I incorporated a timer. This allowed me to stay gone longer. I used a big kitchen timer (so he could see it) and told him I would come back to play with him when the bell rang. I would then set it again and play with him until it rang again. At 1st we set it for 5 minutes away for every 10 minutes playing. Slowly, I extended the time away. By the time he was about 3yrs old, he could play on his own for about 30 minutes, then I would come play with him for about 5 minutes. I agree with some of the other mom's here who say you can't really expect more than 5-10 minutes MAX at this age.



NOTE: This was only during my "working" time--about 3 hours in the morning. I would not recommend doing it all day, as that would probably be a little too little attention for her, but it's convenient when you try to cook dinner at night or want to take a phone call out side of that morning time :)

Catherine - posted on 03/14/2010

At thirteen months I think your expectations are high. You can tell a 6 year old to play by themselves for 20 minutes & get something done. At thirteen months, you get a minute or two at a time where they are engaged with something else. They don't start to get even slightly self sufficient until after potty training.. Even then its a struggle. PLay with her for a minute to get her started & walk away & let her keep going. Might by you a window. good luck!

Melissa - posted on 03/13/2010

My son Zac is 6 and he was the same way. I agree we all should time with our child, but when is enough enough?

You should let your child have their fit, but when that doesn't work try screaming over them. Or if they get on the floor and kick and holler - do the same! When my son was 2, he entered this "mommy pay attention to me right now or I am going to scream and shout; kick and throw" stage. My solution - when he started screaming I would scream too! He would look at me like I was crazy! Then, when I started laughing and he would to. If that wasn't enough I would get down on the floor and throw a tantrum too!!! He would laugh and say "Silly mommy!" I told him that's what he looked like - he would scrunch up his face. (It was so cute! I miss that face!) I would explain to him mommy was doing something and when she was done she would help or play or whatever his heart desired. I know it sounds extreme, but try it. It really works.

Lyndsay - posted on 03/13/2010

I just want to add (after reading one of your replies) that I don't think you should sit and cuddle with your child all day long. I just think that she needs to know that you are going to be available to her sometimes.. I don't think you should coddle or spoil her, and I do agree with you that it's good to foster some independence. But you also want to show her love and affection, and show her that she is important to you too and not just when its convenient.

Lyndsay - posted on 03/13/2010

My son can be like this sometimes, but I just tell him that I'm busy and I will make time for him after. I know you probably are very busy, but sometimes you just have to put aside whatever you're doing and make time for your kid. I'm a full time student and I work 3-11 in a group home, so the only time I get to see my son is for two hours in the morning before school... I really realized that you have to make the best of the time you have. Sometimes work is the priority, but sometimes the child should be too.

Erica - posted on 03/13/2010

I understand what you are saying but i am not in any way, size, shape, or form going to cuddle her all day. I have a personal bubble. My personal space. i need my personal space and i am wantiing to teach my daughter that it is okay to be by yourself. It is okay to play by yourself and it is ok that mommy is not with you all the time. we have our cuddle sessions when she gets up from her naps or trips and gets hurt. Other than that, she will play beside me or something. i refuse to have a spoiled child. I refuse to give her all my attention all day long. I will have my own time and she will figure out that it is nice to have personal time too.

MaryEllen - posted on 03/11/2010

Sweetie, she's a baby! You can't make her stop acting like one! Have you tried stopping what you're doing for a few minutes of cuddling or to get her interested in a toy? You need to distract her BEFORE she gets to the fit-throwing stage. YOU are the one she's going to learn love and trust from. If she can't trust you to fill her needs who can she trust? SHE is a baby and can't do for herself so she NEEDS you.

Shaquim - posted on 03/11/2010

you need to stay strong and let her fall out the reason she does it is because it works it make take a few days but it will work give her something she likes doing and then just walk away i'm not saying abandon her i have a three year old and he is at the point where he gets up in the morning wakes me up then goes downstairs pushes in he tape watch his movie and then when it's done he goes in his room and plays with his toys or reads his books he understands that there is a time for me and him to have fun and time for him to play own his own again just make sure there is nothing around for her to get hurt on and then let her have her fits

Tarika - posted on 03/11/2010

I an going thew the same thing with my 2 1/2 old daughter.. One thing I have figgered out to do is to sit on the floor with her and get her playing with something and than tell her I have to use the bathroom or I going to the kitchen for a min..and each time I would take alittle longer at doing it. So she getting use to playing by herself for alittle bit. It seems to help me.