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How do you prepare your 3yr. old for her father's death?

Mary - posted on 12/05/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

*Orig. post in ... Mom's with older husbands ...

My husband was a fireman at the 9/11 towers, just a few hours after the destruction.
His health is on a rapid decline recently.
Back surg. before we met.
His first heart attack was a month before the birth of our only child.
His second heart attack was the day before our wedding.
He had a biopsy done on his throat this summer that thankfully wasn't cancer.
Next week we find out the results of Bob's stress test (how much heart tissue is damaged since 2nd heart attack) and the PET scan results on Thurs. to see if the mass in his rt. lung cancer.
Sleep apnea is SO bad now, it intensifies with stress and exhaustion. I usually just rub him, or nudge him if I have to, the other night I had to physically wake him up 3 times. His C-Pap machine feels like scuba gear forcing air into your lungs, so he doesn't use it. There is no color in his face when he wakes up in the morning, he is gray if anything.

So, it took me years to find a man I could say... "I could spend the rest of my life with this person."... and I am loosing him.... I met a mountain man who could chop down a tree and build me a home with it, and now he has trouble picking up our daughter some days. I am watching him slip away right in front of me and it is ripping me apart !!! I am so frustrated, scared and angry. I have been trying to keep it together, push it out of my head, focus on Tayen. I have been walking around angry for days, the other day I finally just broke down sobbing during her nap. I don't know what to do.

It may not be right now, we never know what God's plan is. I am just trying to be realistic, the odds are it is going to happen someday. How do I prepare her (myself for that matter) for all this ? How do I make it ok ?!?! How do I look into those beautiful eyes and tell her that Daddy isn't coming home, he is home. Is there a way to do this so that she won't be scarred for life ? How can I help her become emotionally stable enough to LIVE through this. I know many adults, including myself, that show the results of not learning how to process the death of a loved one that we lost in our childhood. I shouldn't be baggage that she carries through her life, it should be an experience that helps her to become an empowered strong woman. How do I teach her what I never learned ?

I picture rocking her through the sleepless nights....

I can't write anymore right now....

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Maura - posted on 12/15/2009

104

Dear Mary, Honestly I'm not that religious but I do think that teaching your child about God (and heaven) will help. You need to do that now, though, not later. Even psychologists say it helps. If you don't belong to any church or faith or are undecided, then teach her something that you can be comfortable with. My daughter and I pray to my mother (whom she never met) and her uncle (who was close to her before he died when she was 4 yrs old) every night and it is comforting to have this memory of them and keep them close in my heart. If my daughter changes her beliefs when she's older that will be okay, but I gave her a way of understanding life and death in positive ways. Sending good vibes and prayers your way to lessen your pain, the stress, and to have many more memorable moments with your family.

Marika - posted on 12/07/2009

Hi. I'm very sad about your lifesituation. I think the main thing is that you just tell the thruth to your child. Children are flexible and they can manage through very difficult things, believe me! It also depends about your religion what you tell to your child. Children are amazingly strong with this kind of difficult things. Ofcourse the child will be sad, but at the same time your child will learn what's the life about: birth, living and death. I haven't been in your situation so i'm not the best person to tell you what to do. Follow your instincts and seek for help, from your friends, relatives or professional. It's important that you are not alone. You should have a possibility to share your feelings with adults so you can cope with your child's sadness.I'm sorry, I think my english is not so good but I just wanted to encourage you somehow! I wish you strength. I send you many loving thoughts!
Marika from Finland

Karen - posted on 12/07/2009

172

I don't have a lot of experience with this, just a lot of compassion for you and your situation. Don't tell your child (when the time comes) that he went to sleep because she might be afraid to sleep, too. Understand that children of that age don't understand the finality of death which is probably a good thing. I think that your faith will help because you can explain that Daddy is in Heaven with the angels which hopefully will be comforting. Knowing 3 y.o.'s memory, there's not a lot of explaining that will probably stick with her. I think just explaining that some Daddys can do things that others can't and that he's sick will be enough for her. She'll figure out special things and games that they can do together which will compensate. Last Winter/Spring my Daughter had foot surgery and was in a wheelchair. DH's Uncle is a double amputee and uses a wheelchair. Well, DD decided that they had to have wheelchair races - she figured out something that the two of them could do together. When the time comes allow people around you to help and follow what your instincts tell you to do. You'll know the best way to handle it with your child based on her temperment and developmental stage. Don't hide things from her, but explain it at her level. {{HUGS}} and prayers for your and your family.

Denise - posted on 12/07/2009

I cannot imagine the stress you are going thru right now , There are lots of wonderful programs to help people deal with situations like this, maybe speaking to a grief counsellor might help you deal with when the time comes. Also you may want to see if your husband would like to make a video diary for your child I have a friend whos wife passed away and she did that for her daughter . I wish you all the best and my prayers are with you and your family God Bless

Rose - posted on 12/06/2009

With great pleasure, Mary, keep in touch.

Michele - posted on 12/06/2009

I am not sure how helpful this will be- but when I was pregnant my mom suddenly passed. The pain and devastation was unreal- but we have to go on for the child(ren). At first it was very difficult for me to speak about my mom when he would ask where his grandma was or wonder why he didnt have one. I was a mess and couldnt help but cry. I felt even more guilty when he would wipe away my tears. But as time went on adn I could deal with it better- it is almost a nice memory- to know that within my son is a love so strong for his grandma that he never met. I hope the best for your husband and that he can recover. Death is never something you can mentally prepare for. I would say dont be afraid to talk about him- or remind her of him. Take lots of pictures - enjoy the good days. For now- my 5 year old tells me that his grandma comes to him in his dreams and hugs and kisses him and that she looks like a cloud and a picture of her face. I wish you & your family the best!

Mary - posted on 12/06/2009

Rose, you are so sweet !!! Thank you, I feel the hug you sent. I will keep in contact with you.

Rose - posted on 12/06/2009

I am so so sorry to read your story, God love you, you have really been given a heavy cross to bear. I live in Ireland and I took a look at the website of a bookshop called Veritas. I found this book, it's called "Are you sad little bear?" and the details are as follows.

Author: Rivett, Rachel

Publisher: MARSTON BOOK SERVICES LTD

ISBN: 0745961371

I think it's a storybook to help a child accept the loss of a loved one. You should be able to order it via the ISBN but if you can't get it please let me know and I'll be happy to obtain it for you. There is another one as follows:

When Someone You Love Has Cancer

Author: Alaric Lewis

Publisher: ABBEY PRESS ($)

ISBN: 9780870293955

Please God you won't need this one.

If you don't mind my giving you advice I think you should press your husband to use the CPAP machine more. My own husband has sleep apnoea and uses one as well although he hates it! Before diagnosis he too was grey in the face, gaining weight and was constantly tired. Once he started using the pump he has improved massively. Disturbed sleep causes a shortage of oxygen and other blood gases which in turn affects all the organs. (This is what the sleep specialist told us). If he's finding the pump too uncomfortable I would suggest going back to the sleep specialist and asking to have it recalibrated. Mal had to do this twice before he found a comfortable rate. He now uses it for a minimum of five hours per night and he is much better after it. He sleeps more peacefully, no snoring and no stopping breathing. In turn this means I'm sleeping better too so we all gain from it. I would strongly urge you to persuade him to start using the pump.

You're obviously under a lot of strain at the moment and it's hardly surprising you're crying and distressed. I hope you have family and friends who will support you during this time. Don't be afraid to ask for help, including from your family doctor. Also, it sounds like you're not getting enough sleep either - that's probably making you feel worse. If your hubby was able to get his sleep patterns regulated you'd get more sleep too which would be a good thing. We'll remember you in our prayers and I wish you the very best for the future. Please keep in touch - I'd be very interested to know how you are getting on.

Warmest regards

Rose