How do you start to let go of your adult child

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Liz - posted on 11/02/2009

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As a single mom also and the mother of an only child, the hardest thing for me has been the changeing dynamics of my daughter's and my realtionship. She graduated highschool early, went to community college for two semesters while she was waiting for her space in Navy boot camp, then she went to Guiam for four years. Now she lives in California and I live in upstate New york. In some ways, she will always be my "little girl" but the thing that I have to accept is that, she is an adult in her own right!
I have to give her as much respect and space as I would give another adult.
This adds a new demension to the realtionship. It is kind of mixed. I miss her terriably-but at the same time, I am proud of the strong, viverbrant and independant young woman she has become. We keep in touch via Facebook, phone and e-mail.
She gets busy sometimes and I have to realize that she has a life of her own to live and she can't always be worrying about what mommy is up to.
I give her all the love and support I can from a distance. I miss her most around this time of year because I am on a fixed income and cannot get out to see her and she being a poor student(money wise that is) can't come to see me.
We are in each others thoughts and hearts all the time though.

Liz - posted on 10/23/2009

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I know what this is like. You have to start slowly and let him/her make their own choices.
Like it or not, we only get to have them as children for a short time.
Our lives revolve around them for what seems to be forever--and then suddenly, we have an young adult.
Help when you can, but accept that this is part of the circle of life.
You are now entering into a new realtionship with them

[deleted account]

Quoting Cindy:

a little bit at a time ... but say more here :) my daughter is now 20 and lives in NYC. she went away to community college away from home but still in CA where we live. it gave us two years to adjust to her being 'away' and independent but close enough that we could help quickly if needed. and to visit when we missed each other.

what's your situation? are you the one having the issue? or is your adult child also having problems detaching?



oh, it's me.........he's been very independent for so many years..I guess it's because I am single parent and he is my only child. I used to insist on his independency, do you believe that??? Maybe I did it at a young age for him, but he has turned out to be a mother's dream...What else could I possibly say. He is an adult, therefore he's entitled to his on life now, and privacy. But I never let him forget that he only has one mother, lol!!! I really think it is because I don't see him as often as I would like to...and to add I am ill, but doing well. Another thing I don't want to bother my son with..so, it was nice that someone replied and we have this little circle of moms..I like it! Thank You, Shelly

[deleted account]

a little bit at a time ... but say more here :) my daughter is now 20 and lives in NYC. she went away to community college away from home but still in CA where we live. it gave us two years to adjust to her being 'away' and independent but close enough that we could help quickly if needed. and to visit when we missed each other.



what's your situation? are you the one having the issue? or is your adult child also having problems detaching?

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Foxtrotter - posted on 03/31/2014

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I think about that sometimes, more lately. I'm also a single parent and my son is still in grade school. In eight years or so he will graduate high school and maybe he'll go off to college, maybe he'll want to go out of state, maybe he'll find a job far away from home. It's hard even just thinking about it and somewhere in the back of my mind a clock is ticking, counting down the years. Right now I drive him to and from school, to soccer practice, to visit friends, he likes to read aloud before bed time and I love to listen, I take him out to eat about once a week, we visit the library where he has a favorite section. I'm going to miss all of that!!!

Debbie - posted on 03/22/2014

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My son is at school at McGill for his first year, (we live in Victoria) he is my only child and I have to say, I do not like this stage of life:( great for him, sucky for me!) I know we are supposed to let to, but I absolutely hate it, just being honest. I long for the days of watching every one of his practices, going to see all his school stuff etc. maybe I'm selfish, just don't like it waaaaa, lol

Susan - posted on 02/10/2014

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I was hoping to find this topic. Two days ago it hit me like a ton of bricks that my 24 year old son is serious about a girl...I was not prepared for the feelings I am having. You know that feeling of someone breaking up with you...? That feeling in your stomach and your heart? That is what I am experiencing. Am I not supposed to?

We have been on our own since he was six months old....we have taken vacations together, attended events together and more and now he is doing this with someone else. Mind you, I have had relationships-just never any that led to getting married. (I was married to his father, however)

Is this normal? Will it go away?
Susan

Cathy - posted on 01/31/2014

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My son is doing the same as yours. He has not done it yet but I am already crying like a baby.

Julie - posted on 10/04/2013

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I am the one having the issues because he was this young man who has changed from 19-21, different friends,different look and not making the best choices right now. I just feel as tho I cant let go .

Pamela Marie - posted on 09/06/2012

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Every single life and family relationship is special and very unique; not one family environment is the same but totally different. Only those involved in the family will understand how to respond to eventual separation. The most important thing is to never use guilt on those involved and know that no matter where our parents, caregivers and children are in the world they are greatly loved and never ever alone.



Everyone's world in this is different, but know that every ending in life means there is the opportunity for a new beginning, to become a whole new person.



Now isn't that exciting.

Victoria - posted on 06/10/2012

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My son is 25 and lives in NYC since he graduated from high school. Now he is at the medical school, so he is away from home for 8 years now. He doesn't want to come home -except Christmases( we live in south and he hates south), and he doesn't feel he has a family here except me. He grew up in a blended family and we had extreme challenges with steps. I go visit him every 5-6 weeks, but it is expensive and I cannot continue to this routine much in the future. He wants me to move close to him like for 1-2 hours away from him (now we are 18 hours away), but it requires miracle to make it true. I miss him very much. He is extremely busy and has a girl friend too. It is good to see him that he is handling his life, but there are also lots of changing in his personality-more distant, less calls and less fun time together. We used to be best friend, because I was kind of single mother in a crazy blended family, because of that y son and I had a very deep friendship, but I feel there is mot much less from this bonding.. Or am I worry for nonsense?

Vickey - posted on 11/02/2009

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Hello Shelly,,it is hard..My daughter is 28 and i dont bellieve I have let go compelety..She lives 2 states away from me..We talk daily ,,some days all day on the computer..I guess just hang in there, talk or see each other every day,,always tell each other you love them before leaving or hanging up the phone...I havent seen my daught er in almost a yr so it is very hard...

[deleted account]

My 22 year old has always been more mature for his age. We were alone from the time he was 3 until he moved out at 20. He spent a lot of time taking care of me when he lived at home, I'm disabled. So having his independence means a lot to him now, and I totally agree with that, I'd just like for him to understand that I still want to have that close relationship, with him. Just a phone call or a short visit every now and then would be very much appreciated.

Carrie - posted on 10/29/2009

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I think about THIS NOW and my son is 16y/o. Impending adulthood is happening too fast, He's a young man with alot of early maturity. I find myself getting more and more depressed at the thought of being alone. I've experienced physical illness and he's been my strength and a big help when I needed it in many other ways. But, I guess I'm fearful of him resenting alot of that and ready to run towards aduthood and be on his own. He makes alot of responsible decisions, but I keep him as close at hand as I can. I guess I'm an advocate for COMMUNICATION and pray we stay close.

Mary - posted on 10/21/2009

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I have asked myself the same question and that definitely isn't easy. I have come to terms with that issue. I am telling myself that I want the best for my child and I do not want to do him an injustice. I want him to learn on his own two feet the way to be a man an maybe one day be an awsome father. You do not want your child to depend on you to the point of not standing on thier own two feet. You had to let go anyway when they went to school, learned how to drive, been with friends, gone to camp or a function with church, school or other organization I'm sure. You have to let go to do that, especially if they will be going to college and needing to go away. Try to visit as much as possible and know that you still have that bond with your child. I know it won't be easy but that is something you have to do for an independent child. Good Luck and God Bless!

Laura - posted on 10/20/2009

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Another who says Never, lol. I'm 40 and been out of the house for 20+ years and my mom still gets upset if we don't at least talk every couple of weeks. And she is still with my dad so it's not like she is alone like a single parent is.

[deleted account]

NEVER, i am 31 and me and my mom are the best of friends,why in life do we have to let go,? give some space but keep them close. and always be there.

Vivian - posted on 10/20/2009

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I guess I failed to mention that I too am a single mother and my son is my only child. Shelly - I know that we will be alright and so will our boys. :-)

Vivian - posted on 10/05/2009

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I agree with Cindy. My son is 19 years old and a freshmen in a college 35 minutes away. Far enough away for him to gain some independence but close enough where I can get to him quickly if he needs me or like she said when we miss each other. Unfortunately, right now I'm the one doing all the missing and he's having the time of his life but I also know he's growing and maturing into the Man I raised him to be. It was hard but I had to trust that I'd done my job and trust that he would take with him all that I instilled in him. But don't get it twisted - it's a struggle every day but it gets easier with each day that passes. I failed to mention that I am also an only child.

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