Ignore your screaming baby???? what is the deal???

Danielle - posted on 03/07/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I am a first time mother to a gorgeous little boy and i understand that people offer their advice for you to get your feet and all... what i don't understand is...The people that say when your baby is crying you are sposed to ignore them for 10 mions! before picking them up n seeing whats wrong..

This i don't understand.. as a mum its my job top protect and take care of my child so why do people give you advice which to me sounds like you are supposed to teach your baby not to cry cause youre not going to listen!? i understand they think its spoiling them but as far as i knew showing a child love and affectuion was not spoiling them...

Does anyone else feel that its not a crime to pick your child up when they scream or am i not understanding the secret rules of motherhood.. i would like to hear everyones opinion.. whether they agree or disagree

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Katie - posted on 03/07/2009

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Quoting Deena:

Actually, research has proven time and time again that it is not possible to spoil a child under 2 years old, and that if you respond to his needs immediately that he is much more likely to feel secure as he grows up. He'll be more confident that you're always going to be there for him and your relationship will be better as a whole. Ignoring your child is just ignorant.



I agree with you Deena - good post!  :)

Kate - posted on 04/04/2009

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i only left my daughter to cry when i had tried everything else. sometimes i think babies dont really understand whats wrong with them. i also believe that in some ways its beneficial, as being constantly there for the child means its alot harder for them to learn to sleep alone.



just because you put a child down on their own doesnt mean they are actually alone, and if people can say its only teaching the children that they are alone, how can they argue that it doesnt spoil them when u continually pick them up?



i think leaving my daughter alone has actually done her some good. she is happy to sleep by herself since she was 6 months, and has only slept in my bed when she is ill. just because i did that, doesnt mean she has become withdrawn and believes she isnt loved! you cant always be there! and sometimes children actually like to be alone! i have a feeling this post wont be widely recieved lol...



but it also depends very much on what type of crying they are doing... if you cant distinguish these cries yet, you will learn. you will learn when they are in pain, have colic, are hungry etc. i never left my daughter hungry... my attempt to leave her was typically because we had fed, changed her, cuddled her etc... and it wasnt making a significant difference...

Gabrielle - posted on 04/01/2009

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I think the waiting 10 minutes is old school. Like putting babies to sleep on their tummies and only feeding them every 4 hours. Yes, eventually your baby is going to have to learn that mommy can't always come right away or fix things right away, but waiting just to wait seems pretty silly to me. People used to believe you could spoil a baby by holding it too much, etc, but they've proved that's nonsense. As you learn your baby's cries, you'll learn what's urgent and what's just fussing, and you can decide for yourself how you will react. My daughter would sometimes cry out in her sleep. I would listen to see if she would cry again before getting up. I would listen at her door. If she settled down by herself, I wouldn't disturb her, I would just go back to bed. But if she kept crying, then I would go in. I wouldn't call that waiting 10 minutes, just helping her learn to soothe herself back to sleep. But if she needed me, I was there.



People will give you lots of advice, and some of it will be old or wrong or just not right for you. You get to decide what you will actually listen to.

Sabrina - posted on 03/29/2009

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If your baby is a newborn, it's good to go to them when they cry. That way, as they get older, they'll only cry if they need you or something is wrong.

Holly - posted on 03/16/2009

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Absolutely pick up your child...it is in no way healthy to ignore them. They NEED something if crying!!! Check out any of Dr Sears books or his web-site. Very good for moms with opinions like ours!!!! He makes a lot of sense too.

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Shareefa - posted on 10/16/2013

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"ignore a screaming baby" controlled crying a method used where after trying to meet the needs of the baby didn't work and cuddling didn't give comfort so the baby is left lying down crying for a few minutes then picked up but if it still isn't calmed is left to cry longer sometimes they fall asleep, but if they don't fall asleep they are picked up and cuddled and then sometimes the cuddle soothes them and they stop crying.

Shareefa - posted on 10/16/2013

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"ignore a screaming baby" under what circumstances was that advice given? I think the main advice given is to attend to your crying baby and that the baby cries to communicate their needs, especially when they are new born.

on the contrary there is a book I recommend to mothers the contented little baby book, she calls herself the baby whisperer and helps parents understand why their baby is crying and what to do to understand the baby she talks to the babies.

and there is another book unfortunately I cant find it, this person isn't as open to reading baby cues, and talked about when babies wouldn't stop crying and she stayed with the families she would practice controlled crying which was used after all other methods of calming the baby failed.

I read to ignore a screaming baby if the parent is really stressed and cant control themselves to leave the room until they calm down.

As far as spoiling that is giving too much of a good thing but isn't about neglecting, ie attend your childs need yes and then have a happy baby and if u always just cuddle your baby all the time while they are happy they might not appreciate the hug but put them down when they don't cry and give them toys sometimes but not all the time that way they enjoy them more. New born babies can't be spoiled but when they are six months try not to spoil even then meet there needs and they are still quite young to be spoled

RB - posted on 01/08/2013

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A lot of self-righteous people on this thread!

The thing I don't understand are the contradictions between everyone's absolute facts and how those manifest into firm black and white conclusions.

"just teaches them that we can't be trusted to be there when he needs us"... but "not spoiling them because they are too young to understand"

no difference in results for older children that have had different strategies, but one strategy is horrible

I saw the word "ignorant", in its various forms thrown around a few times. I personally believe that a mindset of "one-size fits all and that one size is my size" is ignorant.

Dianne - posted on 04/04/2009

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Hi i never left my daughter to cry, its totally absurd to think that if you pick your child up you will spoil it, impossible!! All you will create is a frustrated child and that will cause more problems, in my opinion go to your child when it cries, lift it and comfort it, your child will only be little for a very short space of time.... your child is worth every minute of your time and devotion at any age. Dianne

Kathleen - posted on 03/27/2009

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I get what you're asking - about the 10 minute delay rule. My two cents: 10 minutes? Why not 5 minutes or 20 minutes? If you're going to intentionally scare the bejeesus out of your own child by ensuring they feel alone, why not let the terror continue to build? You know I'm being sarcastic, right? You sound like a perfectly reasonable and sensitive young mom and I know you will become even more confident as you see your baby thrive in a relaxed way because he knows he can count on you. So everyone with "helpful" ideas can drop dead because you already know what you need to know and you are doing great.

Ericka - posted on 03/17/2009

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Quoting Amber:

when they're new it's a guessing game...sometimes babies just need to cry, but i wouldn't just let my son cry unless i've tried feeding, burping, changing, etc....and at 5 months of age you are supposed to let them cry themselves to sleep, and it's the hardest thing to do as a mother, but babies don't really know how to fall asleep on their own without someone there to comfort, which is why they say to do this...i did it, and i cried with him the first two nights, but after that he fell asleep on his own, and has ever since...good luck...it's not ignoring your child if you've done everything in you power...and i'm sure as a mother you can interpret an "i'm angry" cry from an "i'm hurting cry"


who told you that at 5 months old they are "supposed to cry"



this is aweful information :( you need to be trusting your instincts, not doing things because you are 'supposed to'



sorry, just my opinion. babies are not SPOSED to know how to fall asleep and stay asleep on their own. its survival. SIDS is greatly reduced in a child who wakes more often.



chances are, if it makes you cry, its NOT RIGHT. trust your instincts. follow them. they are there for a reason. :( :( :( response = trust.

Ericka - posted on 03/17/2009

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LOVE YOU GIRL!



this is exactly what i spend hours fighting. i wish i cuold get paid for it.



its a HORRIBLE mistake to think that our babies are developmentally able to handle this kind of ignorance.



put simply, if you ignore your child's cries, they learn that they cant trust you to fulfill their needs. you can draw your own conclusions about how they turn out as older children, and adults. some kids can recover, and get past it, but for the most part, look at the world! think of how kids and even adults treat their own parents! they dont listen or trust them at all. and who came up with the idea that its healthy or a good idea for babies to cry? some doctor somewhere with a theory. parents since the beginning of time just followed their instincts about parenting without using the advice of any books or "experts"



YOU GO GIRL! im glad i have a 'partner' who feels the same frustration about crying.



babies should always be responded to. the more you respnd the more connected you become, and you will notice that around a year old (for my son it was 11 months) baby's cries will change, and become less urgent. but until tha time, response is CRUCIAL, not matter the time, place or circumstance.



wow.



i am just so passionate about this. it breaks my heart that somewhere theres a baby being forced to cry alone and helpless in a crib. :(

Darlene - posted on 03/17/2009

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I would not ignore a crying baby - come on - they are babies. Maybe they just need some lovin. It goes so fast those years - dont despair - just love. But I do believe as they get older they can learn to 'play' you so be careful. First 6 months cuddle and love them. After that, start letting them understand why they cry - for a reason, not just to be picked up etc. Like other lady said, let them go a little as they age so they know you wont just pick up on demand. Enjoy :)



 

Wilma - posted on 03/13/2009

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Our son is 9 now but when he was little we had a quick check-list that we would go over in our heads when he would cry. You know the one--is he hungry, is he wet/soiled, etc. Most of it can be answered just by hearing the tone of the cry as each has a distinctive sound to it. Sometimes they do just cry to cry because they want you to pick them up. In that case it's up to you. Let him go for a few minutes and if he's still carrying on pick him up and calm him and then set him back down to see if he starts again. As long as his needs are met it's up to you as far as how to handle the "wants" of being held and cuddled all the time.



Incidentally, I don't buy into the "let the baby cry himself to sleep" bit. We never did it with our son and he slept fine. He had his nights--and still does but then so doesn't everybody. Our feeling was that it just teaches them that we can't be trusted to be there when he needs us. JMO :)

Amber - posted on 03/11/2009

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when they're new it's a guessing game...sometimes babies just need to cry, but i wouldn't just let my son cry unless i've tried feeding, burping, changing, etc....and at 5 months of age you are supposed to let them cry themselves to sleep, and it's the hardest thing to do as a mother, but babies don't really know how to fall asleep on their own without someone there to comfort, which is why they say to do this...i did it, and i cried with him the first two nights, but after that he fell asleep on his own, and has ever since...good luck...it's not ignoring your child if you've done everything in you power...and i'm sure as a mother you can interpret an "i'm angry" cry from an "i'm hurting cry"

Katie - posted on 03/07/2009

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Friendly reminder about advice: People everywhere (here, on the street, family members, etc) will be more than happy to give you their Two Cents worth on parenting, mommyhood, what to do or not do etc...remember...this is only ADVICE...just because it's given, it doesn't need to be taken...considered? maybe. But it's up to you on whether or not you want to practice said advice. You are the mommy. Nobody else is ;) that's your right and title. Don't forget it...and feel comfortable reminding other's about it.   ;)



As for why people tell you/mommys to delay instant gratification...they tell us/you that because it conditions your child (because, yes, they learn from birth on up) to expect to be tended to instantly. Unfortunately, that can't always happen because maybe you're sleeping going to the bathroom, doing dishes, on the phone, driving, etc, etc...so your baby/child will have to wait for a short period of time until you become available.



I'm sure you know your baby's cries better than anyone (ie: hunger, pain, gas, bored, irritated, tired, etc)- so gage your reaction time to the kind of cry your little boy gives you. Yes, it's good idea to teach him that it's not all about him (although, it would be wonderful if it could be)...because if he ever goes to daycare, school, etc...those people won't react the same way and then you'll have one ticked off little boy on your hands and an irritable teacher. ;)  The world isn't going to love our children like we do...no one will. It's a hard lesson to teach them, but a necessary one sometimes (ie: i tell my 3.5year old little boy that he has to learn to put his coat on by himself or wipe his rear end by himself because the people/teachers at school can't/won't/don't have time to help him with it so he has to be a big boy and do it like everyone else- now don't get me wrong, if he's struggling profusely, obviously I help him...but you get what i'm saying, i'm sure ;)  )



You know your baby better than anyone...go with your gut. And remember- you are the mommy...you're the one who has to raise, live and teach that child the things, values and lessons to move forward in life...and you're the one who has to live with the ramifications and outcomes- again, go with your gut. take the advice you find useful from people and leave the rest (on the floor) ;)



Good luck! (hugs)

Deena - posted on 03/07/2009

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Actually, research has proven time and time again that it is not possible to spoil a child under 2 years old, and that if you respond to his needs immediately that he is much more likely to feel secure as he grows up. He'll be more confident that you're always going to be there for him and your relationship will be better as a whole. Ignoring your child is just ignorant.

Danielle - posted on 03/07/2009

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yes i understand that part.. but i mean i have been told (when i can see my child actually in distress from hunger or whatever) that i am supposed to ignore him for a minimum of 10 mins. i do not always pick him up if he is only whinging instead i will talk to him and he usually stops but the other.. is it really supposed to work like that?

Cassie - posted on 03/07/2009

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I believe in picking your child up right away to a degree. If the just woke up from a nap, I believe to be there as soon as you can to greet them; however if they are whining for no reason then let them work it out as long as they are fed, changed and loved there shouldn't be a reason to cry. So really depends on the circumstance.

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