Is having one child selfish?
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Sapphire - posted on 07/31/2010
Oh I just love these questions! No, nothing selfish in the least bit to have an only child. It is selfish to go and have more kids in order to please the general public because they think kids should have sibings! I am very proud and 100% content with our small, but happy family of 3. It's what you make of it. It's how you parent your child, whether you have 1 child, or a dozen! All the best to moms of just 1 :-)
Melissa - posted on 07/31/2010
hi everyone, my husband and i didn't want more kids were were happy with just having one...then we starting thinking about having another one (daughter was about 5 at this point)...so we started trying and now we can't have anymore naturally, so we got refferred to a fertility centre... we went to the first appointment ($260) and NOW we have choosen not to go thought with it all (personal choice)... We are now hapy with just having an Only child, however if we do naturally get preggy then so be it..... I'm so much happier now that we know what we want to do and i don't call it selfish to not want another child, i call it a life choice!!!!!!! if more people only had one child then maybe we would'nt feel pressured to have more. Good Luck to everyone!!!
Megan - posted on 07/27/2010
I don't think so at all. I have one and I intend to keep it that way. Its hard enough sometimes to provide for 1 I can't imagine worrying about more. Just got mine potty trained and so happy I don't have to worry about spending money on diapers anymore. (Thats just 1 example) I feel I will have more time to spend and devote to him. I know my husband kind of wants one more but he agrees that is easier with one.
Michelle - posted on 07/27/2010
No way! Having a sibling is no guarantee of future togetherness (read any advice columns for unhappy and/or estranged siblings). Having a special needs child I think having another just to fulfill a desire on my part for two would be selfish (I actually don't have that burning desire, just theorizing). If you're spending thousands of $ and all your spare time getting the first what they need, what is left for the 2nd child? And if you work to give equal shares, are you then cheating your first out of what they need?
Amy - posted on 09/10/2010
NO and don't let anyone tell you otherwise - I come from a long line of very well adapted only children - my daughter, me and my mom. I think it is how it should be - focus on one! I have tons of family and friends contantly bugging us about another and saying that she is goin got be lonely, estranged, etc - BULL!!
Kristi - posted on 08/25/2010
I wouldn't say it is selfish but I suppose it depends on your reasoning. I think the parents on that show where they keep having more and more are the ones who are selfish... 19 & counting! That's ridiculous! At least your children will actually have a chance to be a kid! :)
Shelia - posted on 08/25/2010
I don't think it is selfish to have just one child. My husband and I wanted to have another one. With our son and his medical needs and the economy the way it is we have choosen to have only one child. For those who try to tell you it's selfish tell them they are welcomed to have more children. :) ONLY you know what is best for your family.
Emma Louise - posted on 08/23/2010
NO WAY!!!! for years we where trying for a baby , then we decided to get the help we needed, after nearly 2years of painful treatment i fell pregnant we were over the moon!!! sadly it wasnt meant to be.We had to try again and my beautiful son was the result. After all the pain tears and heart ache he was worth the wait however i really dont want to put my family through that again!!! so no its not selfish and 3 is the magic number :) xxx
Angie - posted on 08/22/2010
Of course not! I have only one child and due to complacations during that birth I can't have anymore babies:( So my dream of 3 children was crushed. So if Kaylee being an only child is selfish then what kind of world do we live in?!
Besides these days me and my husband wouldn't be able to afford more children. As you know they are not cheap to raise...and mine is only 3 months!!
Sue - posted on 08/19/2010
I did not choose for my son to be an only child, but that's just the way it has worked out. We tried for many years to conceive, and we finally did with the help of a lot of medical intervention. Our son was born when I was 44. We had two frozen embryos, which we transferred last summer when I was 46; I miscarried. That's it for us. It's not our choice, but it is what it is.
I am sure my son will prefer that we had not remained childless altogether given we could just have one--or he wouldn't be here! =)
My husband is an only--and he never minded. We plan to make sure our son has a busy, well-rounded, friendship-filled life, much as my husband's was growing up. There's nothing selfish about that!
Something else to think about: I was devastated when I miscarried our last chance to give our son a sibling. And my husband told me to never let our son think he wasn't enough. That has really stuck with me.
Mukta - posted on 08/17/2010
yes i do agree its physical, mental, financial and emotional afford-ability..If it suits with ur terms then only go for second child. our craving for another child may lead to a stressful decision to all..to parents and to the child as well.
Sibongile - posted on 08/17/2010
I dont think its selfish having one child as it is expensive to raise a child,i mean i have a friend who has 4 Kids expecting the 5th one soon and she and her boyfriend dont work,i think that is selfish to keep bringing kids into this world that you cant provide for,i'd rather have one and be able to provide than have 5 and struggle.
Veronica - posted on 08/15/2010
I use to think it was selfish to have only 1 child,but I feel now that she is 10 we have a great relationship..She does not have to share my attention with anyone...Its important and Ibeing the older child in my family I know I was not the favorite and I dont think thats fair...Parents try not to pick a favorite but it always happens....My daughter is my favorite and she is happy with our relationship.
I do not think it is selfish. I can't have anymore and I really do not have the desire to have another due to taking care of my son who has a disability. I would feel like I was not putting enough time and effort into raising another since I spend most my time focusing on my son.
Mukta - posted on 08/11/2010
i don't know. even i am confused abt it. I am a working mom. work hard for my career. sometimes i feel my daughter should have a sibling but then i am afraid of my career. whether i ll be comfortable taking break of 2 to 3 yrs again ? don't know.
Lucy - posted on 08/09/2010
Hi, its not selfish but i wouldn't advice on that through experience, i was an only child of a single mum who passed on last yr. she was more than a mum to me coz she was my sister and a friend now is when i feel the impact coz there somethings u need to talk to someone but u cant, now that am single too with one boy I intend to have another so he wont be lonely like me in future......so its ur choice
KYSHA - posted on 08/08/2010
NO IT'S NOT. I LOOK AT IT LIKE THIS I'M ONLY GONNA TAKE ON WHAT I CAN HANDLE OR AFFORD. MY CHILD IS 8 AND WHEN SHE THINKS ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE A SIBLING SHE THINKS OF ALL THE STUFF SHE WOULD HAVE TO GIVE UP. SHE JUST SAYS THAT GIVES HER MORE REASONS TO MAKE HAVE ALOT OF FRIENDS.
Oh hell no it not selfish, i have a 9month old and all i get is WHEN IS THE NEXT ONE? and when i say i dont want anymore i get oh thats selfish or he needs a friend to play with, his going to be lonely..... pppfffffft he has plenty of friends, he learns to share at pre-school, he spends nearly every weekend with his neices and nephews and he is def not going to be spoiled all the time. Im very very happy with our little family THE 3 AMIGOS, and i really dont think my son will hate me if i dont give him a brother or sister. What i do think is selfish is if you do have more then one and you cant afford to or you just have another child so you can stay at home. Sorry babbling a little lol. NO ITS NOT SELFISH xxxx
Samantha - posted on 08/08/2010
I don't think so, I got my tubes tied right after my first and only was born and I don't regret it one bit. I want to provide he with the best opportunities in life and I think the choice was a good one. We fill her time with other children like her cousins and children's activities to fill the need for kids her age. But I believe she will turn out just find as a only child.
Steph - posted on 08/08/2010
I don't think so although I didn't want just one. Each couple must make their own decisions about how many kids to have.
I wanted 12, dh wanted 2 we thought about 4 or 5 but the infertility said- HAHA! We have 1 living child and 9 losses. Does it make us selfish that we kept trying? NO!
Just as having only 1 child is not selfish
Amanda - posted on 08/04/2010
Heck no!!!! And whoever told you that is crazy. I have only one child, and there will not be another one due to some health reasons. I'm okay with that, and so is my husband. We have felt the pressure from in-laws since my husband is the last boy with the Gibson name, but as I said, due to health reasons another baby isn't possible. I don't believe any of those people that tell me she'll grow up with "loner" issues. My husband is an only child, was valedictorian and all that, so it's environment and parenting more than anything. It's YOUR decision, and you know the ins and outs of why you chose that decision.
Cyndi - posted on 08/03/2010
Absolutely not!!! My doctors told me that having my son almost killed me and that the next child would probably. It would be more selfish for me to have another child and die during the process leaving my husband to raise our son and possibly the other child on his own. I know lots of people who have had only one child and they seem to be well adjusted independent children.
Kirsten Veronica - posted on 08/02/2010
Okay first of all, is "selfish" always a BAD thing? No. It means taking care of one's SELF. And that is vital for maintaining life. Eating is selfish, drinking is selfish, breathing is selfish, and choosing the right family model for you, is selfish, in a wonderfully nurturing and caring way.
Second of all, I'm an environmental conservationist and will say "7 BILLION people" and growing is outrageous. I've been a believer in zero population growth since I was a teenager.
And just because it's timely, I just heard an interview on NPR that discussed this issue and they said that studies have shown "only" children to be more confident and sometimes more successful then their multiples counterparts because they get so much individual support. I can tell you that my almost 1-year-old only is independent, outgoing, social and delightful and I'm completely in love with her. I actually keep feeling that if I got pregnant again I would be doing HER a disservice.
Long story short, do what you feel is right and what you can manage and if that is one child, then good for you, enjoy your special unique bond.
Bethany - posted on 08/01/2010
Absolutely not. I think it is actually worse on you and the second child if you have them when you really weren't sure you wanted another one. My husband and I spoil our son, but it's fun and I like not having to make sure I am fair for both children. I am one of 6 siblings and we group up very close, but everything had to be equal and fair. Very frustrating for my parents. It is how you raise that child that counts. You can spoil them and teach them how to give back to others at the same time.
Cheryl - posted on 08/01/2010
I dont think its selfish; people always suggest that I have more. I am a 1st time mother, in my mid 30's and my son is 9 months old. Ive always wanted a child/ren but was told that I couldnt have any, so he's my lil Blessing. Personally, I want him to have my undivided attention, so I like it just being him and I, do what's best for you. After all, youre the 1 whos going to have to raise the child/ren
Sapphire - posted on 08/01/2010
Quoting Laura- "Remember the old "School House Rock" videos? I'm thinking of the one that taught multiples of 3. The refrain from the song is "Three is a magic number" and it featured a mom, dad and child!"
I'm into numerology and 3 IS my "life number". I don't want to mess that up ;-) OK, I do say that in fun, but for some reason the number 3 seems to be a number that is constantly making itself known in my life over the past several years!
In all honesty, I truly do not want anymore kids and I am unashamed to say that. In Oct. 2008 I knew the pregnancy symptons and I was actually grateful that my body miscarried again. I know that sounds selfish, but it would be more selfish to bring a child into this world if I really was not in the right frame of mind to want the baby. I still feel that way should there be another unplanned pregnancy.
Kathie - posted on 07/31/2010
NO I do not think it is selfish to have one child- I have one because we were unable to have more- and do I wish I could have another - on some days yes- I felf for a very long time that our family was not complete- but than I look at my daughter (she's 5 1/2) and I ask myself do I want my children 6 years apart- not really- is she lonely- sometimes- but she has cousins and her friends- my brother and I no longer speak so having a sibling does not neccesarily mean that they will be close in adulthood. I also look at the cost of daycare- and that we are able to do more things not having to pay double daycare. I love my family of 3- if we had another child- awesome but I am at peace with my only.
Angela - posted on 07/31/2010
Like Paula, we also adopted as an older couple. I am 45 and have a 21 month old son. Sometimes I feel guilty that he will be an only child, but I think it's more because society "thinks" we should have more. My husband and I have two siblings each and we are not close with any of them. I make sure my son has plenty of interaction with other children through playgroups and playdates. It was so helpful to read everyone's comments because I am feeling much more at peace with our decision to be a family of 3. I truly don't think I have the energy for another at my age!
Linda - posted on 07/31/2010
I have a only child.I was 35 when I had her,my husband was 42 and had 2 grown sons.So we were alittle shocked.But I love her to bits....I just worry that with her being alone(not having siblings closer to her age) that she'll be lonely.Right now she's 2 1/2 and she clings to me because she is bored and lonely.She loves being with other kids and I'm scared she always feels alone.I had 2 brothers and we stuck together during our abusive childhood.I kinda want her to have that but I'm not having anymore children,so I do feel selfish.
But everyones life is different,so you have to do whats best for you.
Laura - posted on 07/31/2010
That's a very good question--it all depends on one's perspective! There may be individual cases where having only one child could be considered "selfish" and then there may be cases where having multiple kids could be considered selfish. Or maybe it's a little of both.
My husband and I chose to only have one (a daughter) because of pre-existing health concerns with me being pregnant at an older age. Some people have told me I was selfish for choosing NOT to have more kids! That is their perspective. I don't think so (my perspective!) becuase I chose to not take extra risks with my health so that I could be a living, breathing mother to my existing child. I don't find that selfish at all! Again, perspective...
Natalie - posted on 07/31/2010
i was 36 and had never had a child so i didnt think i could have kids so when i fell preg i was totally shocked.
i got rid of the ex at 5mths preg cos he was bad for us. i spent from week 30 in hosp and had emerg csection to deliver her at 36 weeks and because she was so little she also spent 6 weeks in hosp.
while i love her with all my heart and i myself had a lonely only childhood, its not fair to put my family through the possibility that something like that may happen again.
i was asked when i was going to have another and i couldnt beleive it. what happens if i have to spend more then 6 weeks in hosp? are my parents willing to give up work to look after my girl while im in hosp??
also what about the poor families who have tried for years to conceive and have lost children to miscarriage and have been given the blessing of 1 healthy child?
people who make comments about how only children are spoilt are just jealous because they have the wild and unruly kids while we "only childers" have happy, confident, active kids.
while my girl is nearly 4 she still earns her things. if she keeps her toy room clean for a week she can have a new toy or piece of clothes. she is not spoilt but she is well taken care of.
next time someone makes a comment about being selfish, stick out your tongue and blow them a raspberry!!
My husband have gone back and forth on whether another child is the right decision for almost two years. We are feeling that one is enough, but I still have my days were I feel bad that my is the only child. Esme thanks for reminding me that he has lots of cousin's and one day (he's three) he will have plenty of friends. I have a sibiling and we are not close, although we are in contact more often now, we have never been close. I think one is enough and now I will let this go and move on. Thanks everyone
Tracy - posted on 07/30/2010
I personally don't think it is selfish at all. Particularly when you didn't think you could have one in the first place. My little girl is all the more special for knowing that she is a miracle in the first place. I would feel selfish to want that twice x
Paula - posted on 07/30/2010
It is not selfish and it depends on your situation. We adopted as an older couple and don't have energy for more than 1. At times I wish he had siblings, but most of the time it's fine. The only thing that drives me crazy is other people's comments such as, "I can tell he's an "only".
Shaquim - posted on 07/29/2010
I get asked all the time to have another child but the way i look at it is my son is 4 he is very independent and mostly everything from learning to walk to talking even potty training was very easy and i just dont think the second one will be so easy i love being a mother but i also love the fact that there is only one i see the stress having more brings to other moms and i refuse to end up that way
Esme - posted on 07/28/2010
only if you think it is !
I have one child.
I never thought I'd only have one and I never thought I'd be separated when he was only 6 weeks old. I had the opportunity as a healthy young woman to have more, but I was not financially or emotionally in the right place. My son is now 15 and enjoys the benefits of being the only kid. He gets plenty and has to share none of it - lol.
He has cousins he adores and many friends and other family.
My answer to your question is ABSOLUTELY , AND THE BEST SELFISH DECISION I EVER MADE FOR MYSELF AND MY SON. :)
Thank you very much ladies for your responds. Melinda you are so right about what societal "norm". Michelle and Megan i agree with you and it has made me feel so much better. My Husband is and only child and so is his mom and they both say they were happy as on only child. I have a brother and we are not that close so you are to right Michelle about having a sibling doesn't bring closeness. My friend said that if you have one child they will be come spoilt.
Melinda - posted on 07/28/2010
I think it is problematic if we even pose such a question. Why would having one child even be considered selfish? It is only because the societal "norm" is to have more than one child. Capitalist societies require consumers and since we are not producing yet another consumer by only having one child, we are considered selfish? The logic is all backwards. In any case, we are extremely happy with our daughter and it really comes down to a personal decision, not a societal condemnation.
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