looking for advice

Iysha - posted on 11/12/2010

I would suggest counseling. My SILs are going to be 14 and 11 this month and have been going to counseling because of their parents' devorce. It is really bad between their mom and dad. I have talked to both of them and they both think they dont need it, but I can see it helps them to talk to someone that isnt on either side of the situation. The older one thinks counseling is lame because it takes a couple hours out of her day and she has "more important things to do with her life." and the youngest one (after hearing I had gont to counseling and that all kinds of people go just to talk and get things out that they cant always tell mom, dad or friends) likes it and actually reminds her parents when she has an appointment. lol.

Pauline - posted on 11/04/2010

I am in the same situation but my daughter's 2yrs now.....she has become very defensive and violent as she was very close to the daddy. Am not sure if its the terrible 2 stage or if she's acting out her frustrations. I was told to just give her extra attention and love....dnt knw if this will work on a 10yr old but i can see improvements. I also know this isnt easy on u so be strong. Its been six months for me.

Michelle - posted on 10/22/2010

If your ex really is doing this, you need to have a conversation with him and fast. The worst possible thing is for bad-mouthing of the "other side" to occur. That is the one thing we try VERY hard not to do. Even when angry at each other we try very hard to say "mommy is angry with daddy" not "your daddy is the most inconsiderate.....". If your ex isn't responsive, someone who can get to him needs to get this through his head that it is the worst thing he can do for your child.
Now that said, if someone in your family IS on drugs that you'/your ex are aware of it might not hurt to be honest that "Uncle David" has a problem but stress that does not mean EVERYONE does drugs.

Melody - posted on 10/21/2010

Hi Jamie, I'm sorry that your ex is putting negative thoughts into your daughters head. I really isn't fair to her! It does sound like the new situation is affecting her if her sadness correlates with the divorce and its hard to watch your child hurt. My son goes through the same thing on a weekly basis, he gets very depressed when its time to go to his Dads house. I find that he has developed anxiety as well over it. We have decided to have him talk to someone for a few reasons. Your daughters school may have little known programs available that are free of charge, in my sons school there is a program called social skills prevention or SPI. It is not a therapy type setting but rather a place where my boy can go to talk about his feelings etc. Topics of discussion are divorce, bullying etc. It takes place once a week. We also put him in sports, which I think helps him to alleviate some of that nervous, sad energy through physical activity. You know your daughter best, 10 is a sensitive age and I think if you have any inclination that you should take action, you probably should. Good luck.

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2010

Hi! I am so sorry that you are going through this. I, being a child of a divorced family (I was 11 when it happened) was put in to counseling and it really helped me. The only thing I really did not agree with was that my mom had them put me on Prozac at that age. It was a new drug and rarely used on children at that time. So, please, do not put her on meds! It was a horrible experience for me to be on anti-depressants. Just to know that I was taking those made me feel ten times worse. It did not help, at all.

I agree with the counseling thing. Also, maybe have some mom/daughter alone time and see if she will open up to you. Have a girl's afternoon/night out and maybe that will help lift her spirits. I hope you are doing ok. I am sure this is a very difficult time for you. Sending a hug your way.

Jess

Jade - posted on 10/19/2010

try to have a few hours where you and our ex are together with her doing something if possible its hard but it may help her realise that yous are still her parents and can get on

Jodi - posted on 10/16/2010

I don't think anybody has mentioned this yet... so here goes:



What does the daughter say about mom and her entire family does drugs? Is this the true issue that is bothering her? Or is it something deeper? Children of that age probably do not have the words/experience to express what is going on internally, especially in a new situation like this.



It is going to be much easier for the parents to settle back into the swing of life than it will be for the children. You have to understand that your child's foundation of living has just been ripped from beneath her ten months ago. She has to go through the grieving process like everybody else. Part of that process is denial. I remember going through it when my parents got divorced. I prayed so hard every single night that my daddy would come back home and stay for good. I felt like if my brothers and I could just be good enough, dad would want to come home again. It was my wish on every star, in every prayer at night, in every birthday wish... and since my dad had cheated on my mom, I had the added 'luxury' of pining for my daddy's time because every time he picked us up, SHE was in the way (this is the view point from me as a child).



But the worst was the uncertainty of tomorrow. Because everything I knew and believed to be true? Had just come crashing down and shattered to pieces before my very eyes... and life as I knew it, was no more. This can leave a child feeling very uncertain, unsafe, insecure, and just... lost.



In light of that, they need time to adjust to having had the foundation ripped from beneath them. The foundation of everything they ever knew and believed to be true has just been taken away. The very foundation of the entire existence and being and everything that made them feel safe? Gone. When this happens, the child needs his/her parents more than EVER!!



A child is not going to be prepared to deal with seeing the parents with another 'significant other' so soon. Exposing the child to a new relationship in such a short time-frame is really not fair to the child.



At this point in time, your daughter needs you and dad to be there for her, to show her that the world is still safe. That you're still a family, even if you're living in different homes. That mom and dad are still there for and love her. She needs your undivided attention. And being exposed to a new boyfriend or girlfriend at this point in time counter-productive to that goal. It also may be a destraction for you, taking away from the time that the child that needs you deserves. I'm not saying don't date. I'm just saying think twice about exposing your child to the person you date SO SOON!! Have "your time" when she is at dad's.



She needs time to adjust. Her whole world has been uprooted. And not only has she had her entire foundation of being ripped from beneath her, she also now doesn't really have a "home", so to speak. While you (& dad) get to remain steady and solid in your own home and sleep in the same bed all the time, she doesn't. She is forced to go back and forth to a different home, and to sleep in a different bed each week. I can only imagine how that would feel, but I can't imagine how it would feel to a child that is already dealing with enough upheavil in her life and is already in dyer need of stability. I am *so* glad my parents didn't do that to me.



Bear in mind, I do not stand in judgement, I am just saying.. consider all that your daughter is going through, and its no suprise that she may be having a difficult time coping. How can she have any sense of stability at this point in her life? She doesn't even get to sleep in her "own bed" for two weeks straight. This is all so new and so abrupt for her that she needs more time before she is overwhelmed with so much to deal with. She needs to be able to feel safe and secure again. With that security comes knowing that both parents love her, NOT being disturbed or destracted by how mom or dad dislikes the other, lots of attention and TIME with both parents when she's at either's house, lots of questions on how she is doing, how her day went, what happened at lunch, who's her new best friend? How does she feel about moving back and for every other week? Wouldn't it just be nice to sleep in one bed all the time? Even if she could see dad (or mom) just as much? And in the least, when she's at dad's, she needs a nightly phone call from mom. When she's at mom's, she needs a nightly phone call from dad. Again, it gives that sense of stability that both parents are a constant in her life no matter what place she is at. Same with her clothes, school bags, socks, shoes, etc. Hopefully she is allowed to take them back and forth freely... it gives her a sense of stability and freedom.



I speak from experience, not a place of judgment. Both as a child of divorced parents, and as a divorced mother. When I got divorced, I didn't expose my child to the person I dated for that very same reason. My mom took that approach. My dad didn't. I felt safer with mom. She still dated, but when we were at my dad's.



I won't lie. It SUCKED! But my daughter came first. Period. And we did not do the every other week parenting so my dating life was very limited lol.



My whole point? If it were me, I would focus on my child right now, and on how to successfully co-parent. That would be my SOLE focus until my daughter were stabilized and feeling secure. At least while she was at home (having someone over when she's at dad's is a different story; that's not exposing her to it). Until she felt comfortable and safe with the world again. Until she felt like she could open up to me about things. Introducing new relationships into the mix of what is already going on only serves to destract from the things that need undivided attention. If dad knows you are dating in front of her, or vice-versa, it adds unnecessary tension and places road-blocks to successful co-parenting communication because, again, this is all still so new for all of you. You ALL need time to adjust. You and Dad need time to adjust as successful co-parents the same as child needs time to adjust to the huge life changes. Adding any other person to that mix strains the co-parenting relationship more. The key factors here are timing, focus, and adjustment. It's easy to want to question the child about the other person. If the child isn't exposed to the 'significant other', then it just removes that issue from the equation altogther, keeping what's important at the forefront (your child's adjustment to the situation and well-being).



I personally don't think that having dad "apologize" to child is good enough. I think that mom and dad need to discuss it first, and come to an agreement to co-parent and put child first. Then dad needs to understand that a child may envision each parent as an extenion of him/herself (the family). So when one badmouths the other, s/he will "feel the burn" too, so to speak. In the very least, the child will feel pressured to agree or 'take sides'. Mom may want to give dad the benefit of the doubt... perhaps his actions are due to legitimate lack of knowledge of the consequences to the child's emotional state. Surely dad loves child enough that he would never intentionally hurt her. So keep in mind that he probably doesn't understand it is hurting her. Get on a divorce forum. Search the internet. Buy a book. This topic is bound to be in every one because it is an important topic for the child's well-being.



Once dad understands this (and feels better about co-parenting because mom has given him the benefit of the doubt), then mom and dad should unit and both sit down together and explain to daughter that it was wrong for dad to talk this way about mom, that it came from a place of anger, and it was wrong. The child needs to understand that much, to be fair. It's one thing to say "I'm sorry". It's another to say "that was wrong". In some cases, both are warranted, but a child never learns what is right or wrong if we don't explain it to them, even when we do something that's wrong. Admitting the wrong-doing validates the child's feelings, and in turn, gives that child the skills to trust his or her own judgment and emotions. A skill that is a necessity for success as an adult.



I could be way out in left field on some of this... but I can only speak (and share) from my own experiences. There are always two sides to every story and the only person that really knows are the ones that are fully involved.



One thing is true: You may be divorced, but you are still co-parenting. That doesn't change. I have a favorite saying. It goes like this: "The BEST gift you can give your family... is your time"



Good bless and best of luck to you.

Brandy - posted on 10/15/2010

it wouldnt hurt for her to see someone

JAMIE - posted on 10/15/2010

thanks to all of you..All of your information and point of views is very helpful..Now i just need to put them in play...

Laura - posted on 10/15/2010

Good advice so far. Communication is going to be your best tool--both with your daughter and with your ex. You are very observant, too, in recognizing some of the symptoms of depression. Depression is a normal emotional response to upsetting events in our life so don't be too quick to chalk this up as a chronic condition, especially since this emotion seems directly linked to the divorce. While counceling is an excellent idea, you might try doing a little parental therapy first to gain some insight into what is going on. This can give you a better understanding if professional counceling is neccessary. This is where that communication tool comes in!

Schedule a "date" with your daughter where the two of you can spend some quiet time to talk. A meal out is a good start. Start by letting her know that you have some concerns about her and this is an oportunity to share feelings and thoughts openly and honestly. give the discussion some ground rules: No name-calling, don't "blame" anyone, and use "I" statements to express thoughts and feelings. Reassure her that she won't get into trouble for being honest! Let her know what you have heard (without casting blame toward her father!) and that you are concerned about her regarding what she heard. Give her an oportunity to respond. Ask her what she thinks about the statement and how it made her feel. I know this is hard, but try to keep comments about your ex neutral (that is, nothing negative)--he is your daughter's father and she loves him and is probably dealing with confusion over his statement more than anything. You may know he's behaving spiteful and vindictively, but your daughter doesn't need to HEAR that from you. Couch your words as neutrally as possible while discussing him. Remember, she is in the middle between two people she loves and you don't need to confuse her anymore than she probably is after hearing his comments. You are lending her an ear so that she can, hopefully, share with you some of her feelings and thoughts on this issue. After having this conversation you will have more information which will make the decision to seek professional help (or not) easier.

Next, after the conversation with your daughter, have that talk with your ex. Let him know in no uncertain terms, that speaking ill of you or your family is causing your (as in both of you) daughter emotional harm! Let him know that you do not speak ill of him or his family around your daughter and that you EXPECT the same consideration. While you can't make him do this, you can suggest that he apologize for his comments to your daughter since it hurt her feelings. You might also point out that such comments and behavior speak more loudly about him than it ever could about you and your daughter knows this! Just remember that you have no control over his behavior--you can only control your own reactions and you want to model positive behavior for your daughter.

Finally, it's good that your daughter trusts grandma and can share with her. There is one caution with this however, and that is about possible issues of "confidentiality" that may need to be shared with you. You need to make it clear to both your daughter and grandma that if anything is disclosed in their conversations with regards to her safety (mental or physical) or could be a legal issue then you MUST know! No secrets regarding those things! Other than those points, you will respect their privacy. That is one reason why open communication with the parent is so important. I hope this helps and good luck to you!

Teresa - posted on 10/15/2010

This is a tough situation and my heart goes out to you and your daughter. One thing us as adults and parents need to realize is that kids have there own way of coping with things. Some lash out and like in your case your daughter has withdrawn. 10 months may seem long to you but to her it my seem like yesterday. Between having her parents divorce and then hearing her father bad talk your family may be to much. If she has confided in her grandma than she could be the one to help you to help her get past what really is bothering her. I think it goes deeper than her father making those senseless remarks. You really need to work hard to spend time with her and slowly work your way to open her up first. If you cant make a breakthrough then try counseling. You most definitely need to talk to her Dad and let him know that telling her those negative things are unacceptable and they are hurting her. I know how it is when you have to confront an ex about things such as this so try to keep it cool. If you can you should suggest he apologize to her and maybe you to can work together to help her get pass whatever there is bothering her. You are in my prayers

Dora - posted on 10/14/2010

I would definitely recommend counseling. Also speak to your ex. Whatever happened between you two should stay between you two. He should not be involving your daughter. Doesn't he realize he is doing damage to her psychologically? I really feel for you and her and hope everything gets better. If he doesn't stop mentally torturing her then I would also get the courts involved again. It is not fair to you or her.