Need Help??

Natalie - posted on 02/13/2009

What a gorgeous little one she is too Shannon! The toughest thing as a Mum is that we can't help our children to fit in. It's a right of passage, part of being a child & something they need to find their own way through, no matter how painful for us. Don't feel guilty, as you're right - it bothers you more than it bothers her. I found the thing to do with my daughter was to have a friend over to our house & invite their Mum too. This way I got to know the Mum & child & to see if they were a good fit with us. At first I ONLY ever invited ONE child at a time because there is no one else to compete with - it's just two lovely little girls sharing time. Maybe plan an activity - I love art so I always had something art & crafty for the girls to do so that by the time the one who was over left they had something to take home. Do this with a few different little girls until you can find a nice little group of friends for your daughter. My Mother always told me it wasn't me who chose my friends, but her, & now as a Mum I understand this. I have encouraged my daughter to spend time with little girls that are giving, kind & thoughtful & kept her clear of gossipy, nasty little girls & we've formed a tight circle of beautiful people around us. Psychologically speaking kids don't have a predispositioned need to have a best friend & will thrive just as well with a few friends. I didn't have a best friend until my early twenties but I still had a full circle of wonderful friends growing up. I just never really leaned toward just one as my "best friend". You're not depriving your daughter of anything though - you sound like you are a wonderful Mum full of love & hope for your daughter. It doesn't matter the age or stage all good Mums are always worried about something I say. My hubby says that sometimes I worry about things before they come up but I just like to identify things that I think may be issues before we get there because then I can have a plan in place if it's needed! Good Luck!

Krystie - posted on 02/12/2009

Hi Shannon, I have an only son who is 11 and the best friend issue is a big one.  We are military so its always seems like when he finds that friend - we move!  I try not to obsess, but it is hard when you feel guilty about it. 

What we had the most success is two things:

 1. The more I went out, it was easier to find the friends.  I've never had much luck enrolling him in groups (4H, boy scouts, art classes) because it was too focused on the activity.  But when we did mom/child activities I took the lead to make friends with other moms and then that helped the kids to get along.

2. This is harder,  but we've always encouraged our son to be outgoing even though he is on the shy side.  I told him, find a person at recess and just say "hi, I'm _____ - do you want to play?"  There are the jerky kids, but he has made the most friends this way.  You do have to pre-warn them that some kids will say no, but to ignore them and find someone else.

Good luck!

Kerri - posted on 02/12/2009

Hi Shannon, I can totally relate to your situation iI too have  a 9 year old daughter who is having the exact same problem at school. i am finding that since she has been an only child all this time she had developes a strong personality that some of the children just don't really appreciate. i often feel that maybe she is misssing out by not having a sibling but just do not know if that will ever be a possibilty for her because my husband has had some medical issues and is afraid to have another child in case something happens to him. My only advice would be not to worry too much about her having that "best friend" it will come when she finds that child who will totoally appreciater her for her. that is where i am at right now. And anyway these girls are so fickle these days who is friends today is not the same girls who are friends tomm.

Cheyenne - posted on 02/12/2009

Hello, I have an eight year old daughter (turning 9 in April). My husband feels he is too old to have more children (he turns 50 this year), but we certainly don't feel like our daughter is deprived of anything. After all she has two parents who deeply love her & each other, wonderful family values & morals based on our christian beliefs & of course all the other necessities of life. We are however in the process of finding a puppy or older dog from a shelter that will give her a buddy to play with & a sense of responsibility (lucky we ALL love animals). Also since our daughter loves dancing we are encouraging her to follow her dreams by allowing her to do ballet, jazz & tap. As she has been involved in dance concerts at the end of 2007 & 2008 this has boosted her confidence. Friends come & go, I wouldn't worry if my daughter didn't have a best friend; as long as she is sociable, polite, honest, sharing etc. I actually encourage my daughter to befriend all the girls in her year at school & not just click to one. Your daughter sounds like a very lucky little girl to have a mum who loves her so much. Maybe you could help her explore an interest of hers; sport, music, dance etc...help her to follow her dreams. All the best, Chey

Samantha - posted on 02/11/2009

I wish I had the perfect answer for you Shannon.....Try not to feel guilty, I know its hard..maybe you could encourage your daughter to become involved in school; activities such as playing an instrument, a sport, the choir, something she is interested in that she would have things in common with other students about...At the most extreme a birthday party or sleepover where she couldinvite some of her classmates to could create an opportunity for a closer bond with a classmate?

I can tell that you are a great mum and would do anything to see your daughter happy, don't let this fear that you have let her down by not having another child get you down..as long as she is happy and secure at home what else could she need...it can be a positive thing that she doesn't have just one best friend because then she is more open to other children and their ideas and conversations??

Good luck, I only wish I could have been more helpful

xoxo