no Christmas presents from my parents for my baby

Renee - posted on 04/21/2012

thank you Ruby, that is so sad that you are going through this too. My husband has left us for good the day before Valentines Day this year. So, we rarely see him or his family. He spends about 45-1hour a week if that with our toddler, Natilee. It kills me that he chose to live with his mom and brother and walk out on our family as we have NO other family here and are five hours away. I took a trip to see my family for my little ones bday the end of March. My dad still isnt close to her, my aunts and cousins and grandma are, my mom is now but my brother and sister could care less. Its like we have no one from either side. I sit here day in and out, as i am finishing my teaching degree online while she is at home with me. We have dance class and she goes to mothers day out program twice a week so we are around other ppl. Just hard to put on a smile and make friends when im so upset at her father and our families. oh well. there could be worse of things to live with. at least he is paying our bills for the time being until our lease is up in july. then i dont know whats to happen though he said he can help some until i get on my feet. i just live day to tday now.

Ruby - posted on 04/20/2012

my not me. I hate typos!

Ruby - posted on 04/20/2012

I'm in a similar situation, only it's my son's paternal grandparents. They don't purchase him any presents or spend much time with him. It's definitely got worse since his aunty (their second son's partner) had a baby boy and now she's about to give birth to a baby girl (there are a lot of boys in their family) and it's like my son doesn't even exist. They are ALWAYS talking about the new baby girl and giving attention to their 2 year old grandson. They spend an outrageous amount of money on the 2 year old and the baby girl. She has a wardrobe worth over $2000 and she isn't even born yet. It's insane. So these children are spoilt with possessions and quality time and my poor son is neglected and ignored. It's such obvious favouritism and blatantly rude and unfair. Their mother is a spoilt B%&*ch who gets everything she wants and now it seems so too do her two children.

My advice would be to encourage quality time with your baby and Mother so that she feels like it's special time and that she's an important family member and greatly appreciated. Perhaps you could make a special trip to visit your parents or invite them to visit you. She is more than likely upset about your baby's father and that you moved so far away. I find that grandparents in close proximity tend to give more than those who live a long distance away. It's almost like more time spent more money spent.

I agree that it's great advice to teach your baby to offer to play with other children. I'm sure your baby's life can be filled with adults and children who care and love to play/spend time.

My partner's parents despise me, fill his head with lies and are just horrible people. They used to be nicer before the new girlfriend and childbarer forced her way onto the scene and had everyone wrapped around her finger. I think they are neglecting my son both financially and emotionally to spite me and because they don't want me with their son. They basically have told him they want me to die and him to have relationships and children with other women. On the other hand my parents are fantasic, kind, supportive, pleasant etc so at least on me side of the family there are decent grandparents.

Some grandmothers just choose to be distant. bitter and unkind. In doing so they are missing out on a beautiful grandchild. I think you need to decide whether you want to encourage her and pull her in closer or also distance yourself, your partner and baby.

It's a sad situation and I know what you're going through. All the best!

Julia - posted on 02/09/2012

So many great posts,its really all been said. You have to have a talk with your mom very candidly, then explain if she is not willing to change, yo have to move on. I know someone in a similar situation, they just don't bring her up and go on as if she is not in their lives, cause she is not. She is not acting like an adult and if she wants to keep at it, she can do it alone. Don't let her bad judgement rule you. Take charge and say good bye, after giving her one more chance. don't send pics, don't update her, that will just be painful to you each time you don't get a response and your child will end up understanding and hurting. I teach my daughter if another child doesn't want to play with her, offer them to play with you, then move on and play with friends who are willing. The other will hopefully come around when they see how lonely they are. You need to do the same with your mother, no matter how it may hurt, for your happiness and your daughter's, its not worth playing games. good luck

M - posted on 01/27/2012

From what you've said, it sounds like your mom IS really hurt and angry about you and your daughter moving away (and perhaps she is also worried that you are with your ex-husband - maybe because she thinks you both will get hurt?).. but she is going about this all wrong! It makes it look like she wants to have nothing to do with you or your child and if she really loves you both, she needs to know how that looks and feels to both of you (at 21 months, a child can sense when something is wrong). She is essentially acting out her hurt and anger on her grandchild and your daughter does not deserve that - no child does! I can't imagine her mindset on pushing you both away so badly and I'm really sorry you both are going through this. If she is hurt that you all have moved so far, the last thing she should be doing is making it harder to get close. I agree strongly that you need to sit down with her one-on-one to speak intimately about what is going on and why. Tell her how important she is and how important this is to you. I strongly believe in family unity and problems like these can affect things so badly on down the line. If it doesn't have to result in that, all the better. I hope and pray that things work out positively for you and your family.

Teri - posted on 01/26/2012

As hurtful as it might be it is there loss. Turn their bad behavior into a learning opportunity for your child. Teach her that not everyone shows love or feels love the same way, and that her self worth should never be rooted in the way others treat or don't treat her. Take it from some one who's grandmother gave very conditional love and played a lot of games for a lot of years, it can hurt, but it can teach you to love and value yourself more deeply.

Lizl - posted on 01/11/2012

I have had the same issues with my mother to a large extent, so i can relate. The only advice I can give is to move on. I am not meaning to cut your mom out of your life, but simply to move past her short comings and hurtful behaviour. I long ago made a decision to either close the door on my mom or accept her as she is and make the best of the scraps there is left. Let's face it... your mom is not going to change. It is up to you whether or not you are going to let her hurt you and baby this way. I had a meltdown one day and told my mom exactly what i thought of her behaviour and we did not speak for months. But at the end blood is thicker and we speak now, but we avoid the problem areas. I have forgiven her for being as she is (she will never change) and in return have saved myself a lot of pain. Now I just work with what i get. My eldest is now 14 and she still avoids him and i do not push the issue anymore either. I now have a 2y/0 who is getting the same treatment and the hurt started all over again, but again, it is a choice.... you have your life. Your kids. Your home. concentrate on that. I make every effort to slip into every conversation we have how happy we are, how great the kids are... and she has mellowed over time. I think they just need time to deal with things their own way. And you need to understand that their shortfalls should not be your pain.

I too have a sister, older, who just had a baby, and mom dotes over them (buys xmas pressies, visits them, has sleepovers, even changes the baby's nappies!!!, etc).... so the cycle is never-ending, but I refuse to let that get to me. It is a conscious decision not to let her hurt me or my family.

I don't know if this helps, but you are not alone, but you can change how you react to things and start protecting yourself and your heart. Be strong.

Laurie - posted on 01/09/2012

Money is simply an excuse. There are clearly deeper issues here. It sounds like your mom is withholding her affection for your child in order to punish you. As much as it hurts, i would focus on loving your child the best way you can and try not to worry too much about them, unless you think you can directly confront them on their behavior. Your daughter does not realize that they didn't send her anything this Christmas, but for future Christmases, I might try to think of things you can try to explain to her that people show love in different ways and its not always through presents. It stinks to have to be the one to make all the effort in a relationship. Trust me, I was in that situation. You just have to decide if its worth it to put up with their crap or walk away. What would you tell your best friend to do if she were in your situation?

Kendra - posted on 01/09/2012

You are not alone. I know it hurts. My parents have yet to make a visit to see my son, nonetheless mail Christmas gifts. Even though I live 8hrs away, I still cannot understand not receiving one visit from them in nearly five years. Their excuse is finances. This would be excusable, however I visited them sometime back in November. My mom told me she is getting a new suv, while my dad was doing a full rennovation on the first floor of his home. Go figure. Anywho, I learned a long time ago that as long as my child has the unconditonal love and support we provide him he doesn't need anything else. The only thing I suggest is talking to your mother, because it may stem deeper than Christmas presents. My son's grandparents have no excuses whatsoever.

Renee - posted on 12/30/2011

i just dont think she likes my exhusband that i am back with and i moved five hours away from her. she said it hurt when i moved away with my daughter.

Paulette - posted on 12/30/2011

It sounds like your mom is having some serious issues with you. I hope you get it out in the open soon. This will effect your daughter..how sad!. Is there something that happened between you and your mom to upset her?

Renee - posted on 12/28/2011

oh michelle, i totally agree. we made presents this year to vive to the homeless sheltera nd childrens home. so i didnt meant to make it come off as no presents was the only thing i was upset about. no there is no quality time. they dont come to see us as we live five hrs away. i went back home in july and my mom was leaving for a vacation with my little sister the same night i was driving in though i told her about it a month in advacne so i went to see my grandma,my dads mom. then i was going to stay a week before christmas and she told me they didnt have much room in their new house to go stay at my grandmas and she come spend the afternoon. so quality time is the best thing and thats why im upset that she doesnt make a trip out to see us when my dad would pay for the trip. then as far as littl things in the mail, i just tought maybe something from my mom.

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2011

Your little girl will not know anything about the lack of presents she will only know what you show as a result of this "problem". Do they spend quality time with your child? I believe that is a gift that is far greater than christmas gifts. I think it is important to show your daughter the true meaning of Christmas as soon as possible. Be blessed.

Paulette - posted on 12/28/2011

Then I think what's needed is you telling them how it makes you feel. Do they show love in other ways? Calls? Don't let them dismiss it so simply...tell them how it makes you feel and how not connecting with their grandchild could have a negative effect on all.

Renee - posted on 12/28/2011

thank you. theylive five hours away. when i last asked why, she always tells me she doesnt have the money. but for a littl card or a pack of stickers?? i mean it doesnt cost much. my husbands other kids live outa state and we send them little cards and gifts every month. so that they know we love them.

Paulette - posted on 12/28/2011

I would definitely have a serious sit down with them. Ask what the reason is for this unusual behavior. First I would let them know how I feel, then ask your questions. The truth may hurt, so be prepared for that. Then all you can do is keep loving your baby like no bodies business. I hope for the best outcome for you.