Second child to keep husband happy????

Zhanna - posted on 06/18/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi, my daughter is 5 this October and up till about 2 months ago I’d felt that I had to have at least one more child. My husband has always said that he’d have as many as possible :) and I felt ‘obliged’ to ‘produce’ at least two. I never thought much of it, just knew the second one was in our plans. I am 36 now, so I also started getting worried if I’m leaving it too late (possibility of genetic problems, etc), yet not being able to actually start trying. I then decided to look into myself and understand why thinking about having another child makes me feel scared, unhappy, heavy in a way, something that HAS to be done. It is not the way to plan for a child, I thought. I found many reasons why I felt that way. One of the issues was my pregnancy – it was very hard, I felt broken, it took me a lot of time to recover after giving birth and I suffered throughout the whole experience immensely. Then, I love my daughter SO SO SO much, she fills up every particle of my existence with such joy, I feel NOTHING lacking in my life. I admire people who can share and give enough love and attention to multiple children, but I have no excess of love, time, attention or money to think that someone else is needed in my life to benefit from it. I do not want my daughter to be deprived of my attention while I am attending to other child’s needs. I have two younger sisters myself, I had very little time to play when I was a child – had to help looking after them, and even though I love them dearly, I don’t think my childhood was filled up with as much fun and lightness as it should have been. The dilemma stays – joy of siblings or joy of mother’s undivided love and attention. This is for each individual to decide. My biggest problem is of a different kind – when I told my husband that I would like us to at least CONSIDER having only one, he got extremely upset, he acted like if I’d told him I was cheating on him, didn’t talk to me for a day. He calmed down later, said I must do what is better for me as it is my life and my body, but I can see and I know how unhappy he is. Should I have another one just to keep him happy?? And will not having the second child actually brake our family?

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AmyBith - posted on 06/22/2009

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i agree with sharon. you are definitely soul searching and trying to listen to yourself, but this isn't just about you. you're in a family and you need to work this out together. imagine your husbands point of view. he'd been dreaming of another child, it had to hurt to hear you say you didn't share that dream. you have already had one child so you are not too old to take some time and think this through. also it seems like your childhood experience is affecting your decision. you don't have to create the same scenario for your daughter. especially since there would be an age gap. they would have plenty of their own interests and time with you and your husband. and you have plenty of love for more than one based on the way you describe your daughter. and maybe she would like a sibling. have you asked her?

also, it's have your first child after 35 that causes most of the medical issues.

be blessed.

[deleted account]

You wrote such pure emotion, I started to get teary-eyed. Don't ever feel obligated to bring more children into this world if there is any thoguht of hesitation. You may end up resenting that baby, hating your husband, tearing apart your marriage, suffering deep depression, and even affecting the relationship you have with your daughter. This is a very senstivie issue between you & your husband, and it's a topic that needs to be discussed more than once. His reaction to your feelings was less than understanding. You might even consider a few sessions with a marriage counselor becasue your hsband cannot validate your feelings and desire for just the one child. Your own words are filled with sadness, and I fear that this issue will escalate until you really reach a breaking point. {{{HUGS}}}

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Julie - posted on 06/26/2009

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Zhanna, you have a right to say, "One is enough" and have that view appreciated and respected by your husband. He might not be ready to let go of his dream just yet or he might just need a little longer to finally accept your wishes and make this decision ok with himself too. He needs to accept that it is ok to give up his dream of having more children. But so what? We all have to give up some dreams in life at one point or another - and face what the reality of life really serves us. That's just life, and as women (who normally do the lions share of raising the children) - we usually 'get' that notion, a lot quicker than men do, but some never really catch on. This is often as good as it gets, you know?! He might have to just accept that in time. I agree with the last lady. I think if you had another baby primarily for his sake, I think you would feel a lot of resentment towards him, especially when things go wrong, eg. like baby gets sick and you're up all night with bub while he is snoring his head off, since he has to go to work in the morning, etc. It's possible you might even resent the baby itself. A baby needs to come into a world where it is really wanted, even longed for, in order for both of its parents to be able to care for it without any resentment, whatsoever.



What would happen if you both decided to put a time frame on your talks about parenthood for the second time around? A make or break for a new baby year... What if, for example, you decided to take one more year to chew on the idea of having another baby and consider your feelings and also whether things change over the course of a year. Then after a year if you still feel you don't want another child then you will know that it is time to stop talking about it anymore and to make the decision that one child is more than enough... By the way, don't listen to those 'over 35 pregnancy doomsdayers' - you don't need to take on any more pressure than you're already under.

Zhanna - posted on 06/26/2009

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Thank you so much for your advice ladies, you've looked profoundly into the issue, and I feel less lonely with it. I will indeed talk to my husband and to a third party, to get our prospectives right. Thank you once again!

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