Struggling with decision to have an only child - thoughts?

Rachael - posted on 06/07/2012

Having one child is a fantastic lifestyle choice, it will certainly help with any financial pressure to stick with one. When I do the grocery shopping every week, I am amazed at how bigger families manage, its so insanely expensive ( I am in Australia ).The key is to make sure your little one socialises and you don't put too much pressure on them as they get older. My boy is 7 and I find I need to step back sometimes and give him some space or not be as strict with his routiine and homework etc - A lot of focused attention. If you do stick with this decision, embrace it and remember during challenging times (when you question yourself) that it is what is right for you and you made this decision for a reason. Best of luck.

Beth - posted on 04/03/2012

I was 36 when my daughter, and so was my husband. He wanted another child, but I didn't give it any thought because of my unpleaseant experiences with my siblings growing up. and subconsiously, I didn't want that for my daughter as well. The concerns we both had with having another child were #1 - our age - the older you get, the riskier it is to have a healthier child, #2 - mine and my husband's family history of mental illness - with each child you have, the risk of each one developing a mental illness increases. We also had concerns about our daughter being a child of older parents and how it would affect her, about our financial future (both of which turned out to not be issues at all). There is no rule that says a child has to have a sibling. My husband also had unpleasant memories growing up with his sister. In fact, I hear a lot of stories about sibling rivalry and teasing and being ignored by siblings. My daughter is happy and if she had a sibling, would that make her happy, or miserable? If it isn't broken, don't fix it.

Supriya - posted on 03/29/2012

Jennifer..ur post ..thanks although for your the pros n cons you've broght into notice..but it again puts mums like me into dilemma...I would like to discuss with you and with other grown ups who were the single child...ALTHOUGH I DONT HAVE AN OPTION TO GO FOR THE SECOND ONE...still I want to convince my inner self as I dont want to stay with the guilt of depriving my angel of a sib...I'll put my part as an individual thread and request you wonderful ladies to pour in your vies and support!!

Jennifer - posted on 03/29/2012

As an only child myself, my first instinct when someone is contemplating having only one child is -"NO! Don't do it!" Yes, there are many benefits to being an only child (the attention & unshared love of parents, more options financially, one pregnancy--a good thing if pregnancy didn't go well the first time...)....and there are downfalls...just as there is for having multiple children. In the end, you just have to do what you feel is best for YOUR family. :) I've seen many posts from those who have been happy with being an only child and I just wanted to give you the side of a person who is not happy with that decision. I am a mother of 4 children (yes, I'm in a "mother of only children" community...i want to be reminded of the benefits of being an only child..I've had a hard time lately with my status as an only child). I love having a big family....with all of it's stress and patience-testing. I see my children interacting (and, yes, that includes fighting) and I see what I missed. I know many people can't possibly see how they can love another child as much as they love their first. It's not like we're given a specific amount of love and we have to share that love as we have more children...the love just grows with each child you have. Each of my children has been my "favorite"...and that changes from day to day. I see my husband with his siblings and I hear how much a couple of them hated each other and now they are actually friends...yes, they complain about each other and what they do and I have to tell you that we probably wouldn't interact much with my brother-in-law's family if we weren't related...he ran with the Hell's Angels and there are drugs and other things that are popping up in their family (completely opposite of what we have in our home). And, yes, you can have friends that are as close as family (we do), but there is a special link in families. My friends were very important to me, but, you aren't connected in a way that you are with your family. Life brings challenges and another child WILL bring more challenges...honestly, it just helps you grow as a person...as a parent. I remember the first arguement I had with a boyfriend...his response to me was, "Jen...fight doesn't equal break up...people argue and they make up." We didn't argue in my home. If I'd had a younger sibling bothering me...I probably would have gained that knowledge & experience. Many of my friends are shocked to know i'm an only child. I'm not a perfectionist, I'm not selfish and I interact just fine socially.....secret is...I've worked hard to do these things. I hate sharing (but I'm a giving person by nature so that hasn't been too hard), I AM kind of a perfectionist and I find that I don't have the social skills that others who had a lot of interaction with others. I do well on my own...but, having 4 children, I find that my not being alone is a large part of the stress I feel. If you do have only one child...be sure to have plenty of opporunities for social interactions. Play groups, have bbqs at your house with friends, if they have cousins nearby...have them play A LOT.....I probably would have had a much different experience had I had social parents. We weren't around family...they both worked to support us...they didn't have a lot of friends. As they get older, I know I am the ONLY one to care for them. With you older, that is something you need to think about. It's a big responsibility and although in families with multiple children there may only be one to care for the parents...it's more of a choice than a forced option. I love my parents and I will absolutely care for them...but, it would be nice to have someone else who can help out. Also, when they are gone....I feel alone as an only child...it will be devastating to me to lose the only 2 people I have in MY family. Sorry for the long post....just really wanted you to have the perspective of a somewhat well-adjusted only-child who longs for siblings.

Ash - posted on 03/13/2012

I've struggled with the same very difficult decision for long, I am only 25yo, husband is 38 and we have a 4yo son but we don't think we want more kids, we love our son and we don't want to deprve him of siblings but it honestly just isn't a good enough reason to have another kid. You can't deicde for another child based on rational things, it's just somethig you want or not, if another child will bring many challenges then why put your family through that? Besides your baby is 5 freaking months old!!! Sooo young! Instead of thinking of another baby enjoy the one you have now!! You have no idea how fast the 1st year goes and you never get it back!

Trelanie - posted on 03/13/2012

i can agree that my pregnancy was not the easiest as for most of the pregnancy i was sick and could barely eat fruit without vomiting...once my daughter was born she had issues with gas and was very colicky along with suffering from gastric reflux disease...it hasnt been the easiest as i am a single parent and also suffered from some mild depression as well..alot of my friends ask will i have another child and sad to say i think i am happy with just having one..many feel as if she needs a sibling but i do not agree on this because she already has a godsister among cousins who are around her same age that she can grow up with..my mom was the only child and was fine because she also had cousins who were like sisters and brothers to her...having other kids is fine however, i would be the one at the end of the day taking care of them lol not my friends....at the end of the day tho the decision is yours..good luck in your decision:)

Casey - posted on 03/12/2012

I had a difficult pregnancy, and a horrid first two years with my beautiful girl whom I wanted very much, she had reflux and I suffered from post partum depression. I know that if it had been easier on my body and it hadn't been so 'traumatic?' seems to strong a word I woulda popped out another one asap so she did have a sibling. However, that isn't the case, and she is now seven with two cousins who are like her brothers. I feel if you are agonizing over the decision, then you may already know what you want to do. At the end of your life, when you look back - would you wish that you had at least tried? If the answer is yes there's your answer. :)

Supriya - posted on 03/09/2012

I am 32 and husband is almost 35 and we have a 5 yr old...We too had exactly same concerns as yours and moreover I have been under medication since last 2 yrs..another few mths and I already feel so worn out..After medication my body would need few mths to come back to all normal...And husband says..no problem will give a warning beforehand as didn't my brain TB ;-(. Knowing that my treatment is gonna be over soon..people..relatives around have started pushing me..and I know I just cannot bear that ..Since Sam is born I just haven't been well..I cannot ruin my health all the more..I wanna be a healthy happy mum to my daughter...Who guarantees she'll get along well with her sib..and if there's a second one..we'll keep earning n saving till we turn 60...No way!! Is that what we got married for. Healthy parents and happy parents and happy parents means happy family!!

Amy - posted on 02/10/2012

I am 40 with an 11 year old only. I feel very blessed to even have my son. It took me and my hubby 7 years to get him. He is a 3rd time In-Vitro baby so we knew this would be very special. He is our miracle baby for sure. We tried In-Vitro 5 times, 2 miscarriages, and by the time we got done trying no more money for adoption, etc. My husband was home with him the first 5 months of his life due to job loss, back surgery, so was great. I entered him into Day Care just for the social part of it. He is 11 now and has so many friends he really does not miss that brother or sister, because frankly he has 9 adopted, not legally, brothers and sisters older and younger that he claims and they claim him. I don't regret 1 minute of having an only. Very special indeed.

Mid30's Mom - posted on 02/09/2012

Hi Julia,



Thanks for your response and I totally agree that we can include our little babes in activities with other kids, and don't disagree. Adoption isn't for us, but also agree that it is a great option for parents who want a second. However, I do think your view of risking my health or the baby's health with getting pregnant again is a tad extreme. We can't predict everything that happens with pregnancy and while the risks at age 38 or older are indeed real risks, most mothers do go on to have healthy babies, as was mine born at 37 years old. That being said, I would not have a kid at 40 either. But your points are well taken - with one child, we can devote more resources to their life and still fill it with a lot of love and companionship. Thanks again!

Julia - posted on 02/09/2012

I noticed my friends with 2 or more have a lot more stress and just because you have another doesn't mean they'll like each other. Especially not all the time. They will fight and argue, want the bigger half, blame each other etc. We joined play groups like My Gym and The Little Gym, our community center offers a tumble class for little ones and parents that we took. Its a great way to meet others and set up play dates. We also walked our neighborhood a lot, went to local parks, the library, malls with kid areas to meet others. When you go on vacation, let them invite a friend. you can always get a dog, lol. adoption is also a wonderful choice, or foster kids for an adoption down the road. I know families that have done both and they are so happy! Otherwise, you are risking your health, the babies health, and leaving your current child and hubby with no mother/wife. I am about your age and that is so not worth the risk and in the end, it can be a little selfish (not to say you are) if you end up hurting yourself or a new little bundle. There are so many kids that need your love, offer it to them and enjoy what you are already blessed with. Catch up on your bills, make a great college plan for you little one and be happy with your wonderful life as is. good luck!

Mid30's Mom - posted on 02/09/2012

Thanks for the replies. While this decision still agonizes me, I it is nice to know there are many families who enjoy parenting an only child.

Deanna - posted on 02/08/2012

I totally understand where you're coming from. My son is 11 now, but really, from Day 1 I knew I didn't want any more kids. I just didn't. I never had the desire to. I was 30 when I had Quinn, and my husband was 42...12 years difference. He didn't want to be in his 60's with a kid in high school. To my surprise, A LOT of people told us NOT to have another one and to just spoil the one we have...and that is what we've decided to do, and I don't regret it one bit. My parents and sister, however, were pretty upset with our decision. Quinn has the best of all worlds. He can go out and play with his friends, hang out with his cousins, and then he can come home and get away from it all. We do spoil him, but he has always been thankful for what we give him, and he takes good care of everything. He's very well mannered, which is a requirement. He's much more mature than the average 11 year old. Yes, there are going to be disadvantages for him, as me and my husband age, but hopefully by that time, he will be married and have his own family. We asked Quinn many, many times if he wanted a sibling, and he always said NO. Smart kid, if you ask me. You do need to take your age in consideration. I say be thankful to the Lord for your blessing and live happily ever after.

Tisa - posted on 01/27/2012

Hi there, My husnabd and I are only 27 and 28 and we have decided to just have one for the same reasons you mention above. We dont want to have to put our goals aside for more children, we are so happy and blessed with our first (we think she is just perfect :) that we dont feel the need to have more. I know a few only children and it is 50/50 as to whether they like it or not. Muych of it depends of their friendships (do they have very close friends?) and on the ages of their cousins and family memebers. My daughter will be an only child but that doesnt mean she will be lonely. I will play with her and we will nurture her friendships as she gets older. We have lots of playgroup friends her age and I try to socialise as much as possible for her sake as well as mine. My husband and I both have a sister and we do not get along with them at all. I will never go to my sister for advice or help and she only comes to me when she wants somthing which I hate. So having a sibling does not guarantee that they will love each other. It is a very personal decision and if you truly want more children and are prepared financially to work longer and maybe do without some things (eg holidays) then it would be a wonderful thing for your family, however if you decide it is not right for you it will also be a wonderful thing for your family. Good luck with your decision!