traumatic childbirth

Maura - posted on 03/04/2010

Like the other moms above, I can sooo relate. Time heals all things. Like one of the other mothers I wrote it all down. Not for anyone to read, just to get all the painful stuff out, including my anger. I also tried to console myself with frequent reminders that had I lived in the past or in a third world country without modern medicine, myself or my daughter might not have lived (although one of the problems was a nasty doctor followed later by a nasty nurse). Try not to dwell on the birth and focus on the now. Like so many other things in life, we just don't have control. Regret is an unproductive emotion. Take some comfort in knowing many mothers have had a lousy experience and slowly move on. Good luck

Melanie - posted on 03/02/2010

I think maybe first you need to accept that it is okay to feel the way you are feeling about it, I also had a traumatic childbirth with things that went wrong that I feel could have been prevented by fault of the doctor. My daughter is 4 1/2 and I'm still not over it, but I have just had to realize I cannot go back in time and accept this as a learning experience. Whenever I do have another child, I feel there are choices I can make to do whatever I can to have the birth I want. It sounds like you did that with this one, so just know it's okay to feel upset about it when you think of it because it was something out of your control and to be happy for your child coming out healthy because there are so many complications that could have arisen had you not gone the route that finally brought him into this world. Having a degree in psychology, some of what you said sounds like you have some feelings that could best be worked through with a counselor that can help you understand that it was not your fault and that everything happens for a reason. I hope this helps...feel free to even contact me because I know what you're feeling! :)

Brenda - posted on 02/27/2010

You had a terrible experience, and it's one that never gets very much validation. I had an emergency c-section with my son (almost 21 years ago!) and I still recall the feelings I was left with afterwards. I had planned a natural birth, no drugs...etc. I ended up with pitocin because the labor was not advancing. Then it was monitors, and lots of examinations....ugh. After 17 hrs of hard labor (and days of contractions of 20 minutes or less), my sons heart rate went down and they did an emergency c-sect. He had maconium aspiration(he had a bowl movement in utero) and they whisked him away after he made a brief appearance to his mommy. I didn't see him for the next 4 hrs. This was not what I had planned! And like you, it took me some time to work my way through it. I tried talking to my mother, but she told me that a c-sect was not considered major surgery.(WHAT???!!) My mother has never been a validating person. What I did was READ everything I could. Ofcourse with no internet back then, my options were limited. I finally ran across an article that told me simple acceptance was my answer. Yes, it was a traumatic birth, and it didn't go the way I wanted. And baby was traumatized as well, and I'm left with a 7 inch scar and physical and emotional pain. All this is true. But life goes on, and baby is here and healthy today. The birth is in the past, nothing anyone can do to change it. But be grateful that both baby and mommy are going to be fine! This wasn't always the case with traumatic births in the past.

My next birth was a scheduled C-sect of my now 6 yr old daughter. It may not have been the birth of my dreams, but it was wonderful. Wonderful husband present and talking me through it. Wonderful doctor. Her big brother was in the next room waiting with my wonderful mother-in-law.

Sometimes things don't happen according to our plans. It's okay to grieve what you wanted, but in the end, it all worked out because you have your precious baby. It doesn't matter how he got here, you only have TODAY to give him all the love he needs. Yesterday is in the past.

Bethany - posted on 02/25/2010

reading and hearing about other people's trauma doesn't really go far in helping a person with psychological issues relating to their child's birth. It helps a little bit to see that they're a part of a huge population of people whose births were traumatic and difficult and out of their control and dissapointing and whatever, but it takes a definate decision to forgive themselves and providence and God and the doctors and midwives and who ever else is haunting their thoughts and turn around and move forward, and stop looking back and replaying it over and over.

If you want a list, check out the caesarian question posted on the February 09 babies community and the over a thousand answers.

So, if it helps, we accept that the birth is what it took to get the little one started, and it's the life that keeps them going. I wrote all about my pregnancy and labour and Charlotte's birth and her first months in a book, and now I add to it when I think to, or she does something I want to remember. That was helpful. She's 1 now.

I also make a point of no longer jumping at the chance to tell people about my labour, especially pregnant women and women who have just gone through labour, but really, everyone. That part of my life is finished. Charlotte is here, and I'm here, let's get on with it. If someone directly asks me to tell them about my labour, I will, but that will very very rarely happen, otherwise, I keep my mouth shut and my ears open. If they want to know, they can read the book.

As for C sections being considered cheating, tell em to stop being so ignorant, they're making a fool of themselves. There is nothing easy about suffering from seven separate wounds, If anything is easy, it's natural birth.

Angela - posted on 02/24/2010

I went thru 20 hours of unbearable labor and then had an emergency c section. I couldn't hold my son on my own for 2 weeks. I felt a lot of sadness over this. I felt like I missed out on the conection with my son by not holding him immediatly. I think I spent more time holding and kissing him over the next several months trying to make up for it. I also felt scared. I came so close to loosing him and he came so close to loosing me. That is the main reason that I haven't had anymore children. The only guilt I felt was that I was scared during the labor when things were going wrong. I felt so emotionally connected to my son that I beleive he could feel my fear. I also felt alone, because none of my friends had had similar experiences. They all had vaginal births and treated me as if I had cheated when I had actually been through a lot more than any of them. Labor and c section plus a terrible recovery including a second surgery. Bumb deal let me tell you. But a year later my sister went thru some of what I went thru with the labor and c section. We have found a lot of comfort in eachother. It helps to have someone to talk to who has been thru it. Others really can't understand. Ask around. I am sure that someone will know someone in your area who will talk with you. Talking helps, it releases the pain. Good luck. ~ Angela