Who has the right?

Fern - posted on 12/27/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi ladies,



I'm just curious to see what your opinions would be about who has the right to make the choice of having another child or not in a relationship.



I'll use my family as an example:



Me and my fiance have a little girl who is 14 months, after i had her i felt like i would like another one, my fiance on the other hand has made it clear that he doesn't want another child. At first i found this quite difficult to come to terms with as i'm only 23 and felt like i had just made all my eggs redundant (probably stupid i know) but now 14 months have past and i feel pretty much fine about it, things feel cosy and i like the way life is, i'm enjoying working towards making a better future for our little girl. Even if my fiance did end up saying that we could try for another baby i would only want to if he was 100%, our little girl was concieved with love and with both of us wanting a baby, if we were to have another one that's how i would want that baby to be concieved, not just due to one of us giving in.



So in your opinion if one person wants a child and another doesn't where is the even ground? How would you compromise?



Fern

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6 Comments

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Lisa - posted on 01/13/2010

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There is no comprmise, period..... You cannot come to a decision without someone feeling as though they were not heard. You CAN wait to see if he comes around, and if he doesnt make a choice from there.

Catherine - posted on 12/29/2009

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Looks like everyone pretty much agrees: you both need to be on board. Your child is only 14 months old, you are just beginning. This labor of love you currently have is a great time to make your home life solid for your child AND to have you and your man adjust to your new roles. My daughter, now 18 and just started college this year, has told me 2 times that she wanted a sibling. 1. so the sibling could keep the dad busier so she could have even more time one on one with me; 2. someone to do some stuff with when all of her friends are busy. We just stayed with 1, and looking back cannot imagine the level of stress having to work full time, now single, and raising more than one child. Trust me, the thing I learned this year: it doesn't end when they are 18. Enjoy what you have going and YOU be pro-active on the birth control until he is ready.

Susie - posted on 12/28/2009

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Have you thought of sponcering a child, one around where you live? I know its so not the same as haveing your own, but you still will get the joy of helping a child grow, touching that childs life more then you know. Then your husband can be happy with the fact that you still have the one together. Its just a thought,hope it helps.

I wouldnt dear have another child without knowing my man is with me on it, reason being, is I didnt want to have a child till I was 29, and was married at 18, and guess what happend? I had a bouncing baby girl at the age of 19, then divorced at 20. Oh and her dad, is a dead beat. So yeah take your time you are still young, and his mind might change as he watches your baby grow!!

Magen - posted on 12/27/2009

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I agree with Shelley if you are not both on board there will be resentment. It is obviously quite easy for you to get pregnant if you want to if you are still intimate which I can only assume you are. But if he is not ready he will feel betrayed and rightfully so. Also if you have now decided you aren't ready for more and he changes his mind he should be just as supportive of you wanting to wait as you are of him now. My husband and I actually went back and forth for a few years when we got married. Me being ready and him not, then him being ready and me not. Back and forth we went until one day he said he was ready and I was too. Then we had our son and it was great. I am glad we waited until we were on the same page. I also have a friend who's wife got pregnant after he told her he wasn't ready for another one and he resents her for it. You have one beautiful child enjoy your time with her you may discover she's all you need. Good luck.



p.s. I don't think you should "let nature take its course" because natures course is pregnancy and if your not both ready it won't be the happy time it was with your daughter it will be miserable.

Amelia - posted on 12/27/2009

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Hello!

In response, I would just take 1 day at a time, and just let mother of nature happen. What ever is meant for you guys will happen. Just keep on communicating as you are, and keep loving each other unconditionally and have faith that everything will be fine!

Shelley - posted on 12/27/2009

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First off, I am no therapist. You have been engaged for 14 months, how long have the two of you been together? Are you getting married soon? If you really want another child, you both have to be on board with that. If one of you is not, it can have a life altering effect on both of you.



I am married for 31 years, I have one child and am sorry that I didn't have another. Unfortunately, my husband didn't want anymore, and I did not want to just get pregnant, my marriage was too important to me. My daughter is 16 now and is a well adjusted person. She is smart, she is graduating a year early from HS and will be going to college. We had always said that we would rather have one and give her everything then to have more and to struggle day to day. Some people would object to the way I think. They may think it is selfish, but if there is just one of you who does not want another child, then it is not a good idea to have one. It can only hurt the family. I hope this helps. But remember, this is the way I feel, not the way everyone else does.

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