Why do people alsway ask when is the next one coming along?

Elizabeth - posted on 04/09/2009

My daughter is 10 and  I constantly get the question, "when are you having another one?"  and I simply say "My husband and I are doing nothing to stop it".

Mary - posted on 03/22/2009

I had a car accident in Jan of this year and fractured my neck in the accident.  My mother took my DD and myself to the McDonald's with the playground, right after the car accident and one of the other mothers looked at me and asked when I was going to have another.  Hello, I can't move my neck or take care of my child by myself now why would I want to bring another life into a situation like this.

Michelle - posted on 03/22/2009

YES MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS DO ME THE SAME WAY. IT IS VERY ANNOYING.. SO I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM.

Christina - posted on 03/20/2009

I was an only child and i thought it was great. I couldn't imagine sharing the loving relationship i have with my daughter (now 1 1/2) with another child too! That's what nieces and nephews are for. The world is entirely overpopulated as is.--i wish others would stop trying to contribute to the problem.

Salena - posted on 03/20/2009

It is annoying! Then they get all why not? I tell them we are not having any more children because of a medical condition. Plus our daughter was two months early and a nightmare pregnancy.

Amanda - posted on 03/18/2009

I am new to this group but was so happy to finally find something directed at mothers that are happy with just one child!  I get so tired of the same questions that I am sure all of you get hounded with constantly.  My DH and I live in Eastern Kentucky so apparently we are suppose to have a pack of children according to our culture! LOL! However we are content with just one at this time and I HATE explaining that to people and for a while I replied with rude rhetorical questions because I wanted them to feel some of what I did but I have out grown that and have since started replying with "And you want to know because..." very sweetly,  and that really gets people!  They have absolutely nothing to come back with!

My mother in law recently passed away and at the funeral people started asking is when we were going to start trying again. Like we could replace her with a new baby!  It was so disgusting for lack of better words!  So I applaud all of you and am so grateful that I can talk with other Moms that feel like me!

Wilma - posted on 03/18/2009

I've been enjoying reading through all the responses here. I am an only child as well. You'll love this, Kirsty: In my baby book there is a card that my mother received from the hospital (this was back in 1965) inviting her back for her next one. LOL She never went back but I went there when Sean was born. I got to talking to one of the nurses on the surgery ward and it turns out that her mother had been a nurse on the OB ward starting in the early 1960s so it's possible that her mother was one of my mother's nurses. I thought that was pretty cool. (I was in the hospital for a week--2 days in ICU, 3 days on the surgical ward and 2 days on the OB ward. Sean was in the NICU for 11 days.)

As far as responses, I learned a great response from hearing my mother say it when I was young. If somebody asked if I was her only one she would say, "Yep! One and Done!" and that usually cut them off because they didn't expect it. If people push me I will tell them "We feel it's more important for our son to have his mother alive than to have a sibling." That really shuts them up. My husband's favorite responses were always, "They're not potato chips. It is possible to be satisfied with just one" or "We got the one we wanted the first time." Nobody has asked about a second one in a long time. Every now and then somebody will ask if he's my only one which is fine because I could have others that just weren't with us at the moment. I just say yes and that's that. He's 9 now so I think it does die down--or else we just aren't around a lot of pushy people. Sean doesn't care. One time somebody asked him if he wanted a brother or sister and he said, "Nope. In our house things come in ones--one Dad, one Mom, one kid, one fish. That's how it's supposed to be." Did I mention I have a great son? *grin*

As far as family comments we don't have any family around here any more since my MIL and my parents have all passed away. The only thing my MIL ever said to me was before we were even expecting Sean. She said, "I don't want to put my nose into your business. Your children are your business. The only advice that I want to give you is that if you decide to have more than one you will probably want to think about having them close together. My four that lived (her first two died within hours of birth) were so spread out that I was raising children for 40 years and I think you probably don't want to do that." That was truly all she ever said to me--well, that and "Please don't get creative when you name the child" because we had some creative animal names over the years. LOL

Sorry this is so long but I had read all the posts in the thread and was kind of hitting on some of the comments that were made in many of them.

Kirsty - posted on 03/18/2009

Hi, im quite new here now. My daughter is 20 months so i've been getting the question a lot. I think everyone presumes once you've had a child you want to have another. I know i definately don't want to, i had a very rough pregnancy and found it extremely annoying that when i booked out of hospital the day Elyssa was born, they said see you in a few years. I think plenty of people find it incredibly annoying, but even if you say i'm busy with this one or we're not having anymore...whatever you say they still always seem to ask.

Ericka - posted on 03/17/2009

yes. it is annoying.

what we say a lot is that we are too busy enjoying one right now! other things could be along the lines of you want to only have one kid in diapers at a time, and that means you have to be sure your girl is trained well enough to not regress when baby comes (this is VERY common in kids who recently learned potty training)

just stay calm and always stand up for your feelings. "we are fine with one" "we are having too much fun right now" "we want to wait a while" even "we might look into adopting in the future" - even if they arent complete truths, it doesnt matter - for the general public its really not their business anyway. :D

Dona - posted on 02/27/2009

I live in Indonesia - south east asia. It happen to me too.

Heather - posted on 02/25/2009

My daughter is almost 8 now and I still get this very annoying question.

Heather - posted on 02/25/2009

My daughter is almost 8 now and I still get this very annoying question.

Paula - posted on 02/23/2009

it is annoying. i get the most comments about the "Whens" from my mother and her boyfriend. They love having the grandkids over (my one and his daughter's two bratlings). Eventually my mom got the picture and stopped asking me straight up. now she just hints at it.

the worst is my husband though. I had alot of complications with my c-section and REALLY REALLY don't want to go through all that again. My recovery was long and painful, and i couldn't even get out of bed to take care of my daughter, it was heartbreaking.

before we had Kaeley people would ask when we were having kids, my response was "why? i have cats" now when people ask when i'm having another  i respond with "does my husband count?"

Gina - posted on 02/23/2009

AMEN!!!

Gina - posted on 02/23/2009

I agree wholeheartedly. I believe most of these comments come from ignorance. I am happy with what God allowed for my life. It did take a while to make peace with it because of all the surrounding voices and opinions, but then my mother in law told me that if one is all I was meant to have, then having more would not be right for my life anyway....she just helped me realize that one was all that was meant for me and since then I've had peace with it and have been able to look at people with loud opinions as foolish.

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2009

Hi Jen....I like your response "I stopped at perfection". Will have to try that one in the future. Just hope my DD isn't acting up at the time!  LOL  Thnx for sharing...

Jen - posted on 02/22/2009

I find it very annoying ! My daughter is almost 2 & it's gotten worse with time. I get people trying to guilt me by saying I'll make her lonely. I almost actually was going to try even though, I love being a mom of one! Yes, the pressure from others can be that strong! I'm glad I decided to stand my ground & stay firm with my decision. I like to be able to give her the undivided time and attention she deserves. My husband & his sister were 16 yrs. apart(he's like an only) and he is the most kind & giving person I know,more than others I know w/ sibs. I recently heard an excellent response to "why only one?" that I plan to use in the future, just say,I stopped at perfection!!

Juli - posted on 02/22/2009

Our son is 8.  My husband crushed his spinal cord when our son was only 2 and we still get asked.  I started telling people that I have enough to deal with without adding another childto my stress.  I feel sometimes like our son gets neglected because Dad can't shoot hoops with him and similar things.  I would have to do most of the work myself until the baby was 5 or so.  My hubby can get around with a cane, but uses a wheelchair a lot of the time.  I can't understand why people still ask us when he is sitting there in a flipping wheelchair and our 8 year old son is perfectly well adjusted.  He has some social interaction issues, but he is really a great kid!  I can't handle another!

Jodie - posted on 02/20/2009

it is annoying, people will say you cant just have one, well why not, it cost money for kids, and I dont think i should have to struggle for the sake of my daughter having a sibling,  even if i had the money one is all i every wanted i am tired and stress with one by the end of the day having more i think you would find me huddled in the corner crying by the end of the day some days lol lol i have been blessed with one beautiful, healthy  child and i dont see any reason to push my luck so to speak ty for listening

Julia - posted on 02/20/2009

Hi. Like a lot of moms here, I am new. I understand everything that you are all saying. My son is 11 now and since I had him, I have had 4 miscarriages. I hate it when people ask me, don't you still want to try? NO. I am 36 and am very happy with my life. I can't say I haven't tried, but it's not what God had planned for me. I accept it, I just wish everyone else would too.

Megan - posted on 02/20/2009

I am so happy to see others find this annoying. We wer e trying for over 2 1/2 years for a second child only to find out that our beautiful daughter is a medical miracle. It has been hurtful to have even strangers ask why we don't have any more children & worse to have family harp on why we don't have any more children. I have started answering very honestly in hopes of people realizing just how inappropriate it is to ask.

Erica - posted on 02/19/2009

Gosh, i thought i was alone in this topic, lol. Oh how I dread this question everytime we go to family gatherings. My grandmother is in her late 80's and she keeps telling me that she wants to be alive to see and meet the next one. We were planning on having another one this year but now this economic situation has screwed up our plans. But honeslty i'm so happy with the one i have, i really cant imagine going through the whole baby crying diaper changing thing. I'm so spoiled with the fact my lil 8 year old is so independent. We'll see.

Jennifer - posted on 02/18/2009

I get that question all of the time and it gets more and more annoying. My mother calls me on the phone and asks are you pregnant yet all of the time. I do want another child because my daughter is now 4 and she wants a little sister. I just get more and more frustrated every time I hear the question LOL.

Gina - posted on 02/18/2009

I had the same issue. I wasn't supposed to have children at all, so my one son was a miracle for us. We could not have anymore after him. I actually had one lady tell me I was a bad mother because I wasn't giving my son a sibling....so I told her that I couldn't have more...boy, her story changed quickly! She then told me I should be glad for the one I could have. It's VERY annoying...wish people would mind their business or at least come straight out and ask why we don't have more. I'd be happy to tell them.

Cori - posted on 02/18/2009

It no longer bothers me.  It was family that got to me the most but after I reminded them how I experienced PPD and still suffering from depression they backed off.

For those who judge us as being selfish don't know what we give to our daughter.  She is given all the opportunities to build relationships with others even if it they are not sleeping under the same roof.  To those people who judge us, its a pity you're so closed minded because people like you don't get to swim with us in our pool, the one we put in for our only child.  :P

Samantha - posted on 02/18/2009

I find it really annoying all I seen to get off people is when are you having the next one, or so and so is trying to get pregnant again already cos they have a child same age as my son!!!  I had a difficult pregnancy and horrible birth and don't even wanna think about having to go through that again.  You do get guilt tripped and pressured into thinking you should have another baby, like people have said you get the negative comments about how spoilt your child will be if they don't have any sibilings and how selfish you are for not having anymore!!!

Amanda - posted on 02/18/2009

My son is now 4 and this started the day after he was born.  I had a very difficult pregnancy and an emergency c-section.  So I finally got to the point that I would start to ask them equally uncomfortable questions until I think word spread not to ask about more kids.  I am so happy and blessed to have my son that I'm not willing to share myself with another child as horrible as that may sound.  I am so glad that I found this group everyone was making sound as though he was going to be the last only child left on the planet!

Vivian - posted on 02/17/2009

Hi, my name is Vivian. I live in Utah with my husband and five year old son. I was asked for the longest time when I was going to have another child. My husband and I wanted another child but nothing ever happened. So when people would ask I just started to tell them that we cant have anymore. Most people finally stopped asking.

Stephanie - posted on 02/17/2009

I find the smart aleck response stops them in their tracks. "No way I'm having another! You have no idea what I went through for this one!" or "Because I think the world would be better if it were run by only children." Learn the names of a few famous and successful onlies and tell them all about how great it is to have and be an only. This works better if you are an only child yourself, of course.

Any other smart aleck responses you can think of?

Teira - posted on 02/14/2009

It is annoying, no matter how many times you say I'm only having one, they just keep asking. What's the deal? If you want multiple children, good for you but i know what I want for my life and my childs, so deal with it.

Lorna - posted on 02/13/2009

Well people always thinks that one is lonely and true they need playmates, companionship when parents gets old but people ask this questions just simply for the sake of asking. Cos when you explains why you didn't have or some reasons you can't have or any other valid reasons, they will normally have no choice but to agree with you ain't it? After all its our life they talking about.....Haha anyway so long as our child is healthy & happy no matter how many it does not matter right?

Sherry - posted on 02/13/2009

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this. I have one daughter who is soon to be 8 and it has almost finally stopped but it annoyed me to no end every time. I think it's definitely an international thing!

Sherry in NJ

ShaLinda - posted on 02/13/2009

I find it very annoying! I am small (4'9") but my husband is not (6'4") and our son was an average sized baby for an average sized woman, but large for me. After discussing it with our OBGyn we made the decision for health reasons (mine and any baby's) to not have any more children. However, people still won't stop asking when the next one is coming and our son is now 4 years old!



Any suggestions on how to make them stop?

ShaLinda

Gillian - posted on 02/13/2009

Hello, I live in Cape Town, South Africa, my son is from my first marriage. It took him about 2 years to get used to his stepdad and I think it was a wise decision not to have another one after getting married again. I also had to adapt to managing my time between a new husband and a clingy child. We have now settled into a peaceful and happy routine. My son has play dates with his friends and having more than one child in the house is hectic sometimes so I'm grateful that I have only one. I can also sleep more!

Bisa - posted on 02/12/2009

Wow! What really annoys me is I am a single mom and people ask "So when are you going to have the next one?" I generally answer "Ummm when I get married...you know its not easy doing it by yourself." Even after saying that some will still try to convince me to have another one asap! It will always shock me.

Marshalee - posted on 02/12/2009

yes i find this very annoying i have been told iam waiting too long because i should not have them too far apart

Melissa - posted on 02/12/2009

Stephanie...I'm an only child too. My DH is the youngest of 4 (all boys). When I was little I used to want to "be like everyone else" and have sibs, but as I got older it didn't matter. Actually, I had more opportunities to do things being an only.

Besides, as adults, when my MIL needed someone to take care of her after her cancer diagnosis, NONE of my brother-in-laws even offered her assistance. It was my hubby & me who took her into our home and cared for her until she died. We were the one's probably least able to do this w/ an 18mo. old, but it was a huge blessing for all of us!!! My hubby stated many times, it doesn't matter how many sibs u have...sometimes there is only 1 who steps up to the plate for "family matters".

Emma - posted on 02/12/2009

good for you. put them in their place. before i had kids when i was trying, everyone was like the whole time "so how many kids do you have?" and at one point my husband jokingly said i should turn round and reply "none. i hate kids...especially yours"

Stephanie - posted on 02/12/2009

I am an only child also. My Mom says I would sometimes get asked if I wanted a little brother or sister. According to my mother I would tell people that I didn't want any other siblings because they would mess with my stuff!

I wonder if only children feel bad if they constantly hear the question about why they don't have more sibs. I didn't but maybe that depends on the attitude of the parents.

Emma - posted on 02/12/2009

yes I do actually!!! very annoying. We started late (36 and 41) and now I've been told my FSH is high and it could be difficult. The first pregnancy was very hard emotionally on me (as they kept freaking me out with all sorts of possible scenarios) and I'm not sure if I want to/can go through it again. Mind you before we had kids everyone was like "so how many kids do you have"? People should just stop being so damned insensitive.

Tina - posted on 02/12/2009

I was lucky to get my first! He's awesome. Unable to have another, which is really annoying when others ask when's the next. I actually was told, you don't know what it's like to be a "true" parent until you have at least two! RUDE!

Jade - posted on 02/12/2009

My partner and I weren't supposed to be able to have children so we thank our lucky stars everyday for the one we have! He's 3 1/2 now and although we would love another, it's just not very likely! I'm asked all the time 'so when's the next one....' or 'don't leave it too late for the next....' or 'don't you want anymore then...?' Not only is it very rude, but it can also be quite upsetting at times!

Robyn - posted on 02/11/2009

It used to bother me, but then I realized, it's just a very typical question that people ask without putting a lot of thought into it.

Like, when you're in highschool, people ask, what are you going to do when you finish high school, or when you're dating someone, when are you going to get married, and when you're married, the next day, they're asking you when you're going to conceive a child, etc.  Most people are pretty simple and the only reason they ask is they are interested in you.

We made a conscious decision to just have one and when people ask, I just say, no, I love my little 3 person family.  We don't need any more.  and finally, everyone knows and they stop asking. 

The only one that keeps asking is my little girl!  She asks me to go to the people store and buy her a sister!

Mandi - posted on 02/11/2009

Quoting Melissa:

Quoting Christa:

I find it extremely annoying but I have learned to take it in stride.  I am very direct now.  I kind of feel that it is like asking a heavy woman how many weeks is she.  You just don't do that!! It is very rude, especially with all of the medical problems that women face today. I wont be having another child... it is not because I dont want too.. I cant.  So we have decided to make sure that my daughter has everything she needs in the future.  Our focus is on the wonderful gift we already have.

Christa - I totally agree w/ you on your comments. I have resorted to being direct as well with people. I have PCOS and we were very blessed to have our daughter. She's everything to us.  

I will agree with both ladies. My daughter will be four next week and I get it all the time, especially now that my sister in laws (yes two) have just had one and the other is expecting her second. I also get the don't you want her to grow up with someone to play, especially since we are on a farm and don't have any neighbors or a park down the road. I have found being direct and blunt is the best way to go. I can't have anymore and have gone down the miscarriage road and have decided that if I am supposed to have another it will happen. If not at least I was honoured with one miracle baby. Focus on the one that you have and giving it the best opportunities available, be the best mom you can.

Amy - posted on 02/10/2009

YES! I get this all the time, from friends to perfect strangers. I was just reading through the replies and it is so nice to hear other moms talking about the same things that I am feeling. The thing that annoys me the most is when people ask me, and I say that I don't really want another one, they give me this knowing smile and say "oh you'll change your mind". Is there something wrong with loving your child so much that you don't want to share your attention?

Kaitie - posted on 02/10/2009

My bachelor degree is in psychology so I have a really long answer for that ... hehehe. However I'll spare you the long answer and just give you the readers digest version :) Basically every species main goal is to procreate - so for humans it's a natural instinct for society to encourage more babies, it's kind of a survival skill.



It is super annoying ... but most people don't even know why the ask when the next one is coming a long. But the long and short of it is ... it's a natural instinct so there is your useless piece of information for the day :) lol

Jocelyn - posted on 02/09/2009

When people ask when the next one is coming, I just smile really big and say NEVER the one I have is perfect so I don't need to try again. That usually shuts them down.

Jill - posted on 02/05/2009

Hehe you should try having an only child while hubby is serving in the military. I get looked at like I have three heads because we only have one kid. Its even worse for the ladies I know that don't have children at all. I just don't understand why its anyone's buisness how many kids I choose to have. My daughter is 8 and doing just fine with out siblings.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2009

I also find this extremely annoying and rude.  I don't understand why total strangers feel the need to know why I only have one child.  Our son is 10yrs old and my husband and I have been dealing with "secondary infertility" issues for the past 8 or so years.  We would love another child, but it doesnt' look like that is in the cards for us.  We are so very grateful for our one beautiful child and he is blessing enough.  I would welcome a second child with open arms but I don't feel that I need to explain my situation to people that are basically strangers. 

Nicole - posted on 02/04/2009

People sometimes don't see that having one is hard work. Just as hard sometimes as someone with two or more. With me I was my daughters constant companion. I was her playmate. We moved alot with my DH work and when you don't know anyone you do everything with them and that gets tiring sometimes. I remember when my daughter had her first friend over. They went off and played and I did not know what to do. I kept checking on them. My Mom always told me you are always oncall when you have two sometimes they will play with eachother. With one its always you.