YOu have one, you want another He definately does not.... how do/did you cope?

Jennifer - posted on 08/10/2009

My husband and I had been married for 14 years, he had a vasectomy before we married and I had a 4 yr old when we met and she was just 6 when we married. I always wanted more children, but I don't know... I guess I didn't really believe we'd last! We had a rocky first year, but we've been solid since then. I Made a deal with him early on that when Tya was 18 I'd be 37 and young 'enough' to have another. I didn't nag him, but I never let him think I was entirely content not having another. When I was 38 I saw a darling toddler in a pizza place and cried for a week. Finally we talked. I had organized my thoughts and marshalled my arguments.



One each is still zpg

Children are Fun and we're proven good parents.

we'd have a brilliant lively child



there was more in this vein, he was used to blowing off these kinds of persuasions. However, I'd realized that in truth that if he kept me from having another child that I'd resent him forever. I told him that, not in a mean way, just as a simple truth. And more esoterically, I talked about the dream I had in my first pregnancy where I had two daughters with several years btwn them (not 20!) and there was stress, but it all worked out. I told him that I felt is was my destiny to have 2 children.



Somehow the combination of lifetime resentment and destiny turned him around. He agreed to look into having a child. I was open to adoption or fostering, but strangely enough he felt that if he was going to raise a child it would have to be His. whatever. I'm glad, she's perfect.



I went home that night and indulged in an orgy of googling. Found that after all that time his only option was MESA, that we'd have to do IVF, and even ICSI. It was expensive. We got pregnant on our second try. Our big conversation was in the first week of January, the pregnacy was confirmed in July.



I think he was afraid I'd leave him if he didn't agree to this, but I never said that and I hadn't even thought it.



Outcome: we have a wonderful little girl and we're ALL very happy. Yes, there's less money now, less security, but it's not That bad. :) We still have LOADS more than I did as a teen mother on AFDC.



So, I guess I didn't deal with it well. Ironically and sadly I've had another woman who's tried repeatedly to get pregnant With IVF burst into tears after seeing my toddler. :( It's hard... I felt so much empathy and compassion for her, but I still didn't know what to say and I'm sure I didn't really say anything that helped.



I joke that I've had two only children, back to back.



My eldest daughter LOVED being an only child. Just freaking Loved it, she saw her best friend lose time and attention when her mom had another child and decided that she didn't need any sibs. She actually whined a bit when I told her I was finally going to try! But even she adores her sister, she babysits and buys her surprises and treats. :)



I'm not sure I've been any help, but I felt our experiences were a bit similar, so I shared my experience with you.



Best wishes,

Jennifer

Delva - posted on 08/07/2009

I know how you feel! My situation is slightly different, I am divorced and now together with my first love from over 18 years ago. He has NO children and I have a wonderful almost 4 year old. He loves and is great with my son and will and has done everything for him as his own but refuses to have any personally. Im 32 and he is 35 and I would love to have 1 more. His theory is unless he makes over 250K then it's too much of a financial burden and he would and does love to buy things for my son but he knows if we split that's it. Im even scared to bring it up to him at this point. He is a great man but also loves our adult time and wants to travel and feels a child would hinder that for us (which it would) with my son gtg older it's easier to travel and such, but I really want 1 more, JUST 1